(no subject)
Last night as I was sitting eating my carefully measured Puffins cereal and my extra carefully measured soymilk with all the calories calculated and accounted for, my brother asked when I was getting help. It was the first time he had really acknowledged it.
When I woke up this morning, I drank a Diet Pepsi. And then another one in some strange hope that it would make my stomach feel better. For the past two days, whatever I put in it, hurts it.
Today, I had to get a friend from work a birthday present for his 21st birthday.
But first of course, I had to work out. And in order for me to work out, I had to eat something. So I ate my carefully measured on my food scale puffed kamut cereal and poured on the carefully measured soy milk. On my walk, I hit two grocery stores. I looked and looked and looked. I picked up things I couldn't imagine eating now. When I realized the stuff I'd never eat were things that I used to love and not all that bad for me.
After I got home from the walk, I set out. I went to Cost Plus World Market. I got him a gift which probably only should have taken a couple minutes but instead took many minutes because I had to carefully study the food section. I'm ashamed to say that I looked at all their food.
On my way home, I stopped at Costco to look at CDs and DVDs. I got a Diet Coke (which I refilled three times) and looked around. I didn't touch any of the samples. Even though, I wanted to, I didn't. Even though, they had some stuff that I had wanted to try for a while, I didn't. I wanted to get frozen yogurt but sometime after I got weighed and was up, I decided that I no longer eat frozen yogurt. Even if I want to.
Then I went to Trader Joe's because I wanted some Miso soup and cheese. Of course, I looked around there for a long time as well. I actually picked up the free sample of meatless chicken nuggets and BBQ sauce, carried it around for a while, and then after picking it up to eat it, threw it in the trash can instead.
I was tired, so I came home. I carefully weighed my salad lettuce and the right amount of fat free cheese and salad dressing and called it lunch. I wanted some grapes so I looked up the calorie content and factored that into my day. Then planned my dinner and after dinner food based on all the calorie information I could find.
And now I'm sitting here.
And this is what I've been doing everyday for a while now.
I realized something while I was in Costco today. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to count calories in my head. Points was fine but I don't even count points anymore. Its calories. I don't want to not buy myself a frozen yogurt. I don't want to miss out on samples when I go to Costco. I don't want to go to bed calculating calories for the next day. I don't want to stay home from doing fun things because it *may* involve food.
But I can't stop by myself. I need help.
I don't like this life. At all. And I don't know how I got here.
I'm almost excited about the possibility of getting help when I get home. I don't want to feel crazy anymore. Because even though, half my brain knows that its okay to eat X-amount, the other part just won't buy it. I feel crazy. This IS crazy.
Everynight I tell myself the next day I'm going to "fill in the blank here". Whether it be not count calories or points or it be eat so many calories or points or whatever. I hardly ever meet it. Ever.
This is my life. I can't wait to start a new one.
When I woke up this morning, I drank a Diet Pepsi. And then another one in some strange hope that it would make my stomach feel better. For the past two days, whatever I put in it, hurts it.
Today, I had to get a friend from work a birthday present for his 21st birthday.
But first of course, I had to work out. And in order for me to work out, I had to eat something. So I ate my carefully measured on my food scale puffed kamut cereal and poured on the carefully measured soy milk. On my walk, I hit two grocery stores. I looked and looked and looked. I picked up things I couldn't imagine eating now. When I realized the stuff I'd never eat were things that I used to love and not all that bad for me.
After I got home from the walk, I set out. I went to Cost Plus World Market. I got him a gift which probably only should have taken a couple minutes but instead took many minutes because I had to carefully study the food section. I'm ashamed to say that I looked at all their food.
On my way home, I stopped at Costco to look at CDs and DVDs. I got a Diet Coke (which I refilled three times) and looked around. I didn't touch any of the samples. Even though, I wanted to, I didn't. Even though, they had some stuff that I had wanted to try for a while, I didn't. I wanted to get frozen yogurt but sometime after I got weighed and was up, I decided that I no longer eat frozen yogurt. Even if I want to.
Then I went to Trader Joe's because I wanted some Miso soup and cheese. Of course, I looked around there for a long time as well. I actually picked up the free sample of meatless chicken nuggets and BBQ sauce, carried it around for a while, and then after picking it up to eat it, threw it in the trash can instead.
I was tired, so I came home. I carefully weighed my salad lettuce and the right amount of fat free cheese and salad dressing and called it lunch. I wanted some grapes so I looked up the calorie content and factored that into my day. Then planned my dinner and after dinner food based on all the calorie information I could find.
And now I'm sitting here.
And this is what I've been doing everyday for a while now.
I realized something while I was in Costco today. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to count calories in my head. Points was fine but I don't even count points anymore. Its calories. I don't want to not buy myself a frozen yogurt. I don't want to miss out on samples when I go to Costco. I don't want to go to bed calculating calories for the next day. I don't want to stay home from doing fun things because it *may* involve food.
But I can't stop by myself. I need help.
I don't like this life. At all. And I don't know how I got here.
I'm almost excited about the possibility of getting help when I get home. I don't want to feel crazy anymore. Because even though, half my brain knows that its okay to eat X-amount, the other part just won't buy it. I feel crazy. This IS crazy.
Everynight I tell myself the next day I'm going to "fill in the blank here". Whether it be not count calories or points or it be eat so many calories or points or whatever. I hardly ever meet it. Ever.
This is my life. I can't wait to start a new one.