Trust
Somehow I have not noticed that I've let my mind anesthetize itself to pain recently. Recently meaning the last six months.
Nothing ventured => nothing gained.
And I've realized that I haven't ventured much in a long, long time.
I think this process of calcification probably began during my period of unemployment and temporary homelessness. The severe necessity of holding my emotional state together had this "hardening" effect. I build a shell. It held me together at the time. I learned to be self-sufficient. To not need anything outside of myself. I even stopped eating for a while there.
I realize now that it was really just a heaping assload of distrust. Distrust in the world to provide for me. Distrust in people to act emotionally consistently. Distrust in the way that things have a way of working out.
And I didn't notice when it never stopped....
I used to live so intensely. I heart sung in joy and writhed in pain all the time. It hasn't done either for a while now. And that bothers me.
It's clear that I've swung too far.
The line between crushing with weight and evaporating from disinterest probably isn't a very fine one. It just feels like it right now.
It's amazing. Clobbering down this one aspect of my personality allowed me to survive and function fairly well. I went through all the motions of living a cheerful, happy, normal Evan existence. I got a job, got in school, got my life back on track. But my heart neither sings nor feels pain. Just this odd metallic constraint.
The few times that I've gotten excited lately and went to open up the door to the wrought iron cage that is my heart, that door was almost immediately slammed closed.
Today is "Let's Be Grateful For Non-Bitter Ex-Lover's Day" for helping me realize this tonight.
Trust.
Coming soon to an Evan near you.
Nothing ventured => nothing gained.
And I've realized that I haven't ventured much in a long, long time.
I think this process of calcification probably began during my period of unemployment and temporary homelessness. The severe necessity of holding my emotional state together had this "hardening" effect. I build a shell. It held me together at the time. I learned to be self-sufficient. To not need anything outside of myself. I even stopped eating for a while there.
I realize now that it was really just a heaping assload of distrust. Distrust in the world to provide for me. Distrust in people to act emotionally consistently. Distrust in the way that things have a way of working out.
And I didn't notice when it never stopped....
I used to live so intensely. I heart sung in joy and writhed in pain all the time. It hasn't done either for a while now. And that bothers me.
It's clear that I've swung too far.
The line between crushing with weight and evaporating from disinterest probably isn't a very fine one. It just feels like it right now.
It's amazing. Clobbering down this one aspect of my personality allowed me to survive and function fairly well. I went through all the motions of living a cheerful, happy, normal Evan existence. I got a job, got in school, got my life back on track. But my heart neither sings nor feels pain. Just this odd metallic constraint.
The few times that I've gotten excited lately and went to open up the door to the wrought iron cage that is my heart, that door was almost immediately slammed closed.
Today is "Let's Be Grateful For Non-Bitter Ex-Lover's Day" for helping me realize this tonight.
Trust.
Coming soon to an Evan near you.