(no subject)
late nights after sobering up from a day of drinking always make me crave expelling thoughts into the void. and porn. here we go!
i'm in connecticut once again, visiting the family i sometimes loathe but mostly love. the massive distance between us at most times is probably a huge reason for that particular balance of emotions. i have genuinely loved my time back here though; despite being the most broke i've been in years, the snow, and some family drama, it's been quite lovely to see so many familiar faces. not so much with the familiar places...
with living so far away for such a long time now, i've been able to gray out a lot of bad memories and bad feelings associated with this place. coming back always brings them right back to the forefront of my mind. they make me uneasy. the tight, winding roads, the massive hills, the old houses and overpopulated towns. they make me remember the awful, awkward teenager i was, how miserable it was, how hopeless i felt. it used to be overwhelming, but it's become more of a yardstick for growth. no matter how hard it is to see that way, sometimes.
but the familiar faces! as soon as i got to the airport at midnight on christmas eve, i was anxious for them, i searched restlessly for my sister and our friend sheila's faces. i needed them more than water for my parched throat. i turned around and walked back from baggage claim, and there they were, with a big hand-made sign (made from taped-together notebook paper and sharpie, fucking awesome) and huge smiles.
all of the loneliness that sat on my shoulders through the whole trip, whispering its doubts and worries into my head, fled immediately and i rushed up and hugged them both so tight i'm pretty sure their spines popped. kelsey cried, and i kept my manly facade well enough to not shed tears.
until later that night, at my dad's christmas party. i saw my brother kyle and i couldn't stop myself. he's still the brightest ray of sunshine in my life. his smile is infectious and his laugh makes me happy in a way nothing else does. i've missed him so, so much. no amount of steel could keep the tears from going, and i hugged him and kissed his face for over five minutes. he looked at me like i was an idiot, but i don't care.
to be continued. tired.
i'm in connecticut once again, visiting the family i sometimes loathe but mostly love. the massive distance between us at most times is probably a huge reason for that particular balance of emotions. i have genuinely loved my time back here though; despite being the most broke i've been in years, the snow, and some family drama, it's been quite lovely to see so many familiar faces. not so much with the familiar places...
with living so far away for such a long time now, i've been able to gray out a lot of bad memories and bad feelings associated with this place. coming back always brings them right back to the forefront of my mind. they make me uneasy. the tight, winding roads, the massive hills, the old houses and overpopulated towns. they make me remember the awful, awkward teenager i was, how miserable it was, how hopeless i felt. it used to be overwhelming, but it's become more of a yardstick for growth. no matter how hard it is to see that way, sometimes.
but the familiar faces! as soon as i got to the airport at midnight on christmas eve, i was anxious for them, i searched restlessly for my sister and our friend sheila's faces. i needed them more than water for my parched throat. i turned around and walked back from baggage claim, and there they were, with a big hand-made sign (made from taped-together notebook paper and sharpie, fucking awesome) and huge smiles.
all of the loneliness that sat on my shoulders through the whole trip, whispering its doubts and worries into my head, fled immediately and i rushed up and hugged them both so tight i'm pretty sure their spines popped. kelsey cried, and i kept my manly facade well enough to not shed tears.
until later that night, at my dad's christmas party. i saw my brother kyle and i couldn't stop myself. he's still the brightest ray of sunshine in my life. his smile is infectious and his laugh makes me happy in a way nothing else does. i've missed him so, so much. no amount of steel could keep the tears from going, and i hugged him and kissed his face for over five minutes. he looked at me like i was an idiot, but i don't care.
to be continued. tired.