Television: Quotes from The Hollowmen episode "A Time For Talk"
I mentioned yesterday that I was watching the Australian political satire series The Hollowmen. I was rewatching episode 3, "A Time For Talk" that was the fascinating episode that deals with how the Central Policy Unit deals with an international crisis - attempting to balance "popularity" with the public by having the PM look "tough" and care about human rights while at the same time not offending a major trading partner and neighbour.
I should point out that the show isn't having a go at Indonesia so much as having a go at Australian foreign policy and the general wussiness and hypocrisy displayed by the Australian government in such matters. There's a similar episode called "A Waste of Energy" in season 2 about the efforts taken not to offend China when the PM accidentally says he'll discuss emission standards with China.
Some of the dialogue from "A Time For Talk" is solid gold, so here it is beneath the cut :)
From the beginning of the episode:
Tony: What's happened?
Murph: Haven't you heard?
Tony: (panicked) Oh, shit. Not another Cabinet leak?
Murph: No, there's been a massacre in Indonesia
Tony: (relieved) Oh, thank god for that.
Murph and Nick look a bit taken aback by Tony's response. Yet again, we see that all Tony cares about is political mileage and making the PM look good.
Murph is an interesting character because unlike Tony he does have a conscience and he does have an awareness of what is right and what is wrong - but he still does his job, which is to make the PM look good. Sometimes it bothers me that although he gives commentary - he doesn't fight hard for what he believes is right.
A bit later in the episode:
Tony: What's happened?
Murph: OK, armed milita have moved into West Papua. They're attacking villages. There are reports of indiscriminate violence.
Tony: Has this just come in overnight?
Murph: Yep
Tony: Just happened?
Murph: Yes. Like an hour ago.
Tony: How many dead?
Murph: Uh, it's too early. Reports are a little sketchy, but there have been casualties, Tone.
Tony: (looks concerned) Gotta say I'm concerned
Murph: You think it might escalate?
Tony: (blankly) What do you mean?
Murph: You said you were concerned
Tony: Yeah - about our response. Government's gonna have to make a statement, but this is Indonesia, boys - we've gotta get this one right. All right, y ou're gonna have to speak to PM&C (Department of Prime Minister & Cabinet), and the Undersecretary for Foreign Affairs... Defence, we need a summary from them, and they need to have spoken to DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) and coordinated that. Latest from the embassy and give Mel a heads up.
Murph: Done
Tony: Are we forgetting anyone?
Nick: Prime Minister
Tony: OK, Prime Minister - his plane touches down in 50 minutes. So we'll need a summary for him
Murph: OK, no worries
Then later, during the meeting with the Department of Prime Minister & Cabinet, we have our first hilarious glimpse into the insane world of diplomacy and words.
Tony: [The PM] has informed me that he wants to send a clear and unequivocal message that this form of aggression will not be tolerated. Phillip?
Phillip: Thanks, Tony. Can I just say that that's the view of the department as well?
Tony: Thank you
Phillip: Now Warren's spoken to his opposite number at DFAT
Warren: They're as shocked as we are and they believe we need to be strong in our response.
Tony: Good
Warren: I've rarely seen them this worked up
Tony: It's understandable
Warren: They believe we should begin ...
Tony: Yep?
Warren: ... by asking for restraint
Tony: Uh huh? (Tony and Murph look expectant as if there should be more. Then when there is nothing more, Murph looks at Tony quizically who asks) That's it?
Warren: Yeah, they're pretty worked up
Tony: OK, so we're asking Indonesia to exercise restraint
Murph looks a bit disgusted by PM&C's recommendation.
Warren: (looks very concerned) I wouldn't say Indonesia.
Tony: Sorry?
Warren: I wouldn't say Indonesian.
Tony: But they are Indonesian
Phillip: Yes, but I wouldn't be pointing that out
Tony: (as Murph looks more disgusted) I think they're aware of it
Warren: It's more just a general request for all nations in the general region to show general restraint
Phillip: In general
Tony: Murph?
Murph: I'm not sure that's quite the clear and unequivocal message you're looking for
Tony: Well we are demanding restraint
Warren: (corrects him) Asking
Tony: Sorry, asking for restraint. We're still asking them ...
Murph: What if we wanted something a little more unequivocal than merely just asking for restraint?
Warren: Well we could call on all nations to show restraint.
Murph: Could we call on Indonesia?
Warren: (looking uncertain) Call on Indonesia to look restraint?
Phillip: I'd be careful there, Warren
Warren: Yeah, you could be right
Phillip: I'd probably just leave it at asking in general
Tony: (to Murph) Happy? (Murph looks unhappy) Thank you, Warren. Thank you. Sorry to get you in so early.
Phillip: No, not at all
Warren: That's fine
Murph: No it's not
Tony: I thought you said you were happy!
Murph: Nine killed!
Tony: Well, not about that
Murph: I just think we might need to go a little further than ...
Tony: Further than "ask"?
Murph: Probably. Just in light of, you know, all the people being killed.
Tony: Yeah, they get it. They get it, Murph.
Murph: If we were to go further than "ask" ... what would be the next step?
Warren: Well, I guess we'd strongly call for restraint.
Murph: Could we "demand" it?
Warren: No, you only demand restraint in very specific circumstances.
Murph: If, for example, WE were being invaded
Warren: Yes, definitely there... uh .. you were joking!
Phillip: You got me, too. Can I just warn you about the Indonesian sense of humour? It's probably not quite tuned into that ...
Tony: Anyway, say we do "strongly" call for restraint - and I'm not saying we do, Warren - what if even after that they don't listen to us?
Warren: Well, now you're at a fork in the road.
Tony: Right
Warren: You can either call on the leadership to show restraint, which is pretty direct, of you can actually go the physical route.
Tony: Ah
Warren: And send in ... you know - a delegation
Murph and Tony look gobsmacked
Murph: To do what?
Warren (looking at them as if they are dumb) To call for restraint
Phillip: but - with a person physically there.
Tony: (looking at Murph) Happy?
They walk away.
Murph: (still incredulous) Jesus
Tony: We've gotta make a decision, though
Murph: Are you asking, demanding or calling?
Tony: See in another situation, I'd laugh at that
Mel: Good news
Murph: The troops have pulled out
Mel: There are no pictures
Tony: Oh, you beauty. None? There's no pictures of the violence whatsoever?
Later on, they brief Ian on the proposed statement to the media.
Ian: We urge Indonesia to show restraint
Tony: You think that's going too far?
Ian: No, I reckon the PM would approve of that. Though we are using the word "urge"
Murph: Yeah, it has been ok'd by the department
Ian: Yeah, but you're using it with "Indonesia" and "restraint"
Tony: We have gone too far, haven't we?
Ian: But then people have been killed
Tony: Not that many, but that's not just calling for restraint - that's urging!
Ian: It's what we need to say. It's a clear, unequivocal message. Yep.
Tony: OK, so are we decided? Yeah? When that press gallery bell goes off, we've urged. Yeah?
The press and the opposition savage the PM, alleging that he is having a soft reaction. That he is spineless and kowtowing to a powerful neighbour. Things get increasingly tense notwithstanding the an official statement out of Jakarta that it's a renegade unit operating without their authority. Later on, Defence comes to brief the unit and a sheepish general explains the situation.
General: Well the situation is deteriorating. We are now looking at a series of controlled attacks on about six villages by non-uniformed militia.
Tony: And the unofficial situation?
General: Well we are fairly certain that they are government-sanctioned troops
Murph: How can you tell?
General: Well, we trained most of them ... the operation and the tactical manoeuvres are fairly distinctive. They've done quite a good job actually - uh, no disrespect to the casualties
Murph: No, I'm sure there's none taken
Phillip: Still a credit to your training
As there are more deaths, the unit tries to urge Phillip and Warren to permit them to do more than just "urge" for restraint.
Ian: We've all seen what's going on. Clearly we have to respond to this latest series of attacks.
Phillip: Clearly
Warren: Absolutely
Ian: And make no mistake, gentlemen - the Prime Minister is determined to take action.
Tony: He wants to ramp this thing up
Phillip: Understood. The time for talk is over
Ian: Good. What's the alternative?
Warren: A clear call for dialogue
Murph, Ian and Tony stare blankly.
Nick: All right, I'll be first. Uh - what's the difference?
Phillip: (looks puzzled at the question) Hmm?
Tony: The difference between "talk" and "dialogue".
Phillip: Oh, ok. I'm with you - Warren?
Warren: Well - "talk" is a unilateral declaration of a position, whereas "dialogue" is a two-way exchange of views leading, hopefully, to mutual understanding.
Murph: Can't we just call the Ambassador in and get this sorted...
Phillip: (holding up a hand restrainingly) Whoah!
Warren: That sort of action could be seen as very inflammatory
Ian: What were you suggesting?
Phillip: If it's going to be dialogue, then the obvious forum is the AIHRD.
Warren: Yep, that's the forum. Right up their alley.
Nick: Me again. The ...?
Phillip: Australian-Indonesian Human Rights Dialogue
Warren: It's a bilateral forum between the two countries designed to handle exactly this sort of crisis.
Phillip: I mean they don't get a lot of press but when it comes to hammering out these sorts of issues, they are a very formidable organisation
Nick: Right. And what would they do?
Phillip: Have dialogue
Nick: Right. But then what?
Phillip: (puzzled) Sorry Nick, I'm not sure I'm with you
Murph: Do they actually achieve anything, Phil?
Warren: Well, at their last meeting, there were six separate human rights discussion points agenda-ed. 4 went on to be tabled, 3 of which are the subject of ongoing bilateral exchange, one resulting in an official communique.
Phillip: And have you read that in the press?
The head of media begs Murph to give her something to give the press but he has nothing for her.
Mel: After 36 hours the best we can do is announce a meeting?
Murph: We can't actually announce it, not until we've got a bilateral agreement to make it an agenda item
Nick gets sent along to speak to a member of the Australian-Indonesian Human Rights Dialogue to see if they can use the AIHRD to resolve the current problem.
Member: The issue of human rights in West Papua has been an agenda item at every dialogue.
Nick: And what's been the outcome?
Member: Obviously talks. Lot of back and forward. Lot of ups and downs. Uh, but just recently we managed, after a lot of false dawns to finally reach an agreement.
Nick: Which is?
Member: Well, of March this year, we've agreed to disagree.
Nick: Well done
Member: Thank you
Warren: Congratulations to all
Nick: It's great that the talks have been so fruitful, it's just that in light of what's been happening, the Prime Minister was hoping for something a little more concrete. Something he could point to.
Member: We feel that issues such as this are always best addressed through a process aimed at mutual understanding. Now, don't get me wrong, our talks can get pretty robust.
Nick: (irony barely masked) I can imagine
Warren: You should read the communiques
Member: It's really all about an exchange of positions, isn't it? Their views, our views ...
Nick: So if we want to bring both sides together and address what's going on in West Papua,
Member: Ah yes, agenda item one
Nick: ... with a clear view to action ...
Member: Uh ... red flag.
Warren: I have to agree
Nick: (grimly) Right
Member: We could go to dialogue with a view to further dialogue leading to action ... perhaps ... No, even that's jumping too many steps
Nick: I'll come back a step. When it comes to reaching agreement
Member: (corrects him) "Broad consensus"
Nick: are there points - ?
Member: (corrects him) "agenda items"
Nick: ... which result in something enforceable?
Member: (looks blank) Uh ...?
Nick: You follow me?
Member: No
Nick: Like a treaty or a pact?
Member: Ah, interesting. Yeah. I guess we've never got that far but it's always something we could raise at our next planning meeting.
Nick: (witheringly) You'll raise it?
Member: Well I can't guarantee that it will get on the agenda, but ..
Warren: Understood
Nick looks very flabbergasted
Member: But if the PM's behind it, we've got a very good chance
Nick: And when's your next meeting?
Member: Ah where are we?
Warren: The 16th
Member: Oh - well that's August
Warren: That's next year of course
Nick looks even more flabbergasted
Murph goes to speak to a friend, begging him for advice. He wants to know if they can go for sanctions. His friend urges him not to go down that route, that sanctions were only ever used on soft targets like Zimbabwe or North Korea. The government would be insane to impose sanctions against people they actually need. When Murph suggests trying to suspend military training, his friend says that this would be seen as provocative. Murphy is outraged and demands: "Provocative to stop training the very people who are carrying out the attacks?"
In the end, his friend suggests that if he wants to go down the sanctions route, it should be for an item that both sides know is meaningless and so a sanction doesn't actually matter. Like a sanction against palm oil or something. Murph returns to the unit.
Murph: Nick, how'd you go
Nick: Great, I think we should have this mess sorted out by 2012
Murph: Shit
Nick: You?
Murph: Sanctions
Nick: You're kidding
Murph: Low level. Tony's putting it to the PM's now ...
Later, Murph goes for his update from Tony on the sanctions situation.
Murph: Palm oil?
Tony: No no, that turned out to be more complicated than it seemed. Orchids.
Murph: Orchids? Refusing to buy orchids
Tony: Or sell them. I can't quite remember which one it was. It's actually a range of horticultural products. Orchids is the one that stuck in my mind. Anyway, no trade in ... whatever until the situation in West Papua is resolved.
Murph: All right. Well, I guess that's something, huh?
But then later after the Cabinet meeting, Murph finds out that even low-level sanctions against orchids have been vetoed...
Murph: So, how'd it go?
Ian: Well, everyone was appalled.
Tony: Absolutely. 32 dead now, so it's an absolute tragedy.
Murph: And the PM raised the idea of sanctions?
Ian: He put the case for direct action very forcibly.
Tony: Well, a couple of issues did pop up. Turns out flowers are a little more complicated than they first appeared.
Murph: So - wait a minute - sanctions are opposed?
Tony & Ian: No no, not opposed
Tony: No, it's just that ...
Ian: The Minister for Agriculture thought it might send a mixed signal.
Tony: He was a little concerned, yeah.
Ian: Then the Trade Minister pointed out the number of mining jobs that might be ... jeopardised.
Tony: Education ...
Ian: ... clearly ramifications there. Foreign students.
Tony: Huge deal now, Murph.
Ian: And then immigration chimed in.
Tony: Bang!
Ian: Oh they're concerned about our cooperation with border control.
Tony: Very delicate issue now. Then the Attorney-General started to wind up on it. Defence got ...they came in off the long run, didn't they, Ian?
Ian: Anyway, Cabinet feel that to mix trade with human rights would be unhelpful.
Murph: It might be helpful to the West Papuans, Ian
Ian: Would it?
Tony: Would it? Put a couple of orchid sellers out of business, crush the little fella?
Murph: What - so no one was in favour?
Tony: Errrr... sport
Ian: Oh yeah. The minister for sport thought there was a principle involved.
Tony: He was very passionate.
Ian: He suggested boycotting the Pan Asian Games.
Tony: Although it turns out we don't actually compete. I think he was confusing it with the Pan Pacs.
Murph: So where does that leave us?
Ian: Well the Prime Minister is absolutely clear. We still have to strengthen our position.
*
The episode was funny - but frightening in how true it was. I can't think of how often the Australian government is forced to take a soft approach towards sensitive issues because of the economics involved. I realise that it's part of their job and that the economics is also tied to the fact that decisions affect the lives of Australians - but it is a little disconcerting to consider the degree of compromise that exists.
I should point out that the show isn't having a go at Indonesia so much as having a go at Australian foreign policy and the general wussiness and hypocrisy displayed by the Australian government in such matters. There's a similar episode called "A Waste of Energy" in season 2 about the efforts taken not to offend China when the PM accidentally says he'll discuss emission standards with China.
Some of the dialogue from "A Time For Talk" is solid gold, so here it is beneath the cut :)
From the beginning of the episode:
Tony: What's happened?
Murph: Haven't you heard?
Tony: (panicked) Oh, shit. Not another Cabinet leak?
Murph: No, there's been a massacre in Indonesia
Tony: (relieved) Oh, thank god for that.
Murph and Nick look a bit taken aback by Tony's response. Yet again, we see that all Tony cares about is political mileage and making the PM look good.
Murph is an interesting character because unlike Tony he does have a conscience and he does have an awareness of what is right and what is wrong - but he still does his job, which is to make the PM look good. Sometimes it bothers me that although he gives commentary - he doesn't fight hard for what he believes is right.
A bit later in the episode:
Tony: What's happened?
Murph: OK, armed milita have moved into West Papua. They're attacking villages. There are reports of indiscriminate violence.
Tony: Has this just come in overnight?
Murph: Yep
Tony: Just happened?
Murph: Yes. Like an hour ago.
Tony: How many dead?
Murph: Uh, it's too early. Reports are a little sketchy, but there have been casualties, Tone.
Tony: (looks concerned) Gotta say I'm concerned
Murph: You think it might escalate?
Tony: (blankly) What do you mean?
Murph: You said you were concerned
Tony: Yeah - about our response. Government's gonna have to make a statement, but this is Indonesia, boys - we've gotta get this one right. All right, y ou're gonna have to speak to PM&C (Department of Prime Minister & Cabinet), and the Undersecretary for Foreign Affairs... Defence, we need a summary from them, and they need to have spoken to DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) and coordinated that. Latest from the embassy and give Mel a heads up.
Murph: Done
Tony: Are we forgetting anyone?
Nick: Prime Minister
Tony: OK, Prime Minister - his plane touches down in 50 minutes. So we'll need a summary for him
Murph: OK, no worries
Then later, during the meeting with the Department of Prime Minister & Cabinet, we have our first hilarious glimpse into the insane world of diplomacy and words.
Tony: [The PM] has informed me that he wants to send a clear and unequivocal message that this form of aggression will not be tolerated. Phillip?
Phillip: Thanks, Tony. Can I just say that that's the view of the department as well?
Tony: Thank you
Phillip: Now Warren's spoken to his opposite number at DFAT
Warren: They're as shocked as we are and they believe we need to be strong in our response.
Tony: Good
Warren: I've rarely seen them this worked up
Tony: It's understandable
Warren: They believe we should begin ...
Tony: Yep?
Warren: ... by asking for restraint
Tony: Uh huh? (Tony and Murph look expectant as if there should be more. Then when there is nothing more, Murph looks at Tony quizically who asks) That's it?
Warren: Yeah, they're pretty worked up
Tony: OK, so we're asking Indonesia to exercise restraint
Murph looks a bit disgusted by PM&C's recommendation.
Warren: (looks very concerned) I wouldn't say Indonesia.
Tony: Sorry?
Warren: I wouldn't say Indonesian.
Tony: But they are Indonesian
Phillip: Yes, but I wouldn't be pointing that out
Tony: (as Murph looks more disgusted) I think they're aware of it
Warren: It's more just a general request for all nations in the general region to show general restraint
Phillip: In general
Tony: Murph?
Murph: I'm not sure that's quite the clear and unequivocal message you're looking for
Tony: Well we are demanding restraint
Warren: (corrects him) Asking
Tony: Sorry, asking for restraint. We're still asking them ...
Murph: What if we wanted something a little more unequivocal than merely just asking for restraint?
Warren: Well we could call on all nations to show restraint.
Murph: Could we call on Indonesia?
Warren: (looking uncertain) Call on Indonesia to look restraint?
Phillip: I'd be careful there, Warren
Warren: Yeah, you could be right
Phillip: I'd probably just leave it at asking in general
Tony: (to Murph) Happy? (Murph looks unhappy) Thank you, Warren. Thank you. Sorry to get you in so early.
Phillip: No, not at all
Warren: That's fine
Murph: No it's not
Tony: I thought you said you were happy!
Murph: Nine killed!
Tony: Well, not about that
Murph: I just think we might need to go a little further than ...
Tony: Further than "ask"?
Murph: Probably. Just in light of, you know, all the people being killed.
Tony: Yeah, they get it. They get it, Murph.
Murph: If we were to go further than "ask" ... what would be the next step?
Warren: Well, I guess we'd strongly call for restraint.
Murph: Could we "demand" it?
Warren: No, you only demand restraint in very specific circumstances.
Murph: If, for example, WE were being invaded
Warren: Yes, definitely there... uh .. you were joking!
Phillip: You got me, too. Can I just warn you about the Indonesian sense of humour? It's probably not quite tuned into that ...
Tony: Anyway, say we do "strongly" call for restraint - and I'm not saying we do, Warren - what if even after that they don't listen to us?
Warren: Well, now you're at a fork in the road.
Tony: Right
Warren: You can either call on the leadership to show restraint, which is pretty direct, of you can actually go the physical route.
Tony: Ah
Warren: And send in ... you know - a delegation
Murph and Tony look gobsmacked
Murph: To do what?
Warren (looking at them as if they are dumb) To call for restraint
Phillip: but - with a person physically there.
Tony: (looking at Murph) Happy?
They walk away.
Murph: (still incredulous) Jesus
Tony: We've gotta make a decision, though
Murph: Are you asking, demanding or calling?
Tony: See in another situation, I'd laugh at that
Mel: Good news
Murph: The troops have pulled out
Mel: There are no pictures
Tony: Oh, you beauty. None? There's no pictures of the violence whatsoever?
Later on, they brief Ian on the proposed statement to the media.
Ian: We urge Indonesia to show restraint
Tony: You think that's going too far?
Ian: No, I reckon the PM would approve of that. Though we are using the word "urge"
Murph: Yeah, it has been ok'd by the department
Ian: Yeah, but you're using it with "Indonesia" and "restraint"
Tony: We have gone too far, haven't we?
Ian: But then people have been killed
Tony: Not that many, but that's not just calling for restraint - that's urging!
Ian: It's what we need to say. It's a clear, unequivocal message. Yep.
Tony: OK, so are we decided? Yeah? When that press gallery bell goes off, we've urged. Yeah?
The press and the opposition savage the PM, alleging that he is having a soft reaction. That he is spineless and kowtowing to a powerful neighbour. Things get increasingly tense notwithstanding the an official statement out of Jakarta that it's a renegade unit operating without their authority. Later on, Defence comes to brief the unit and a sheepish general explains the situation.
General: Well the situation is deteriorating. We are now looking at a series of controlled attacks on about six villages by non-uniformed militia.
Tony: And the unofficial situation?
General: Well we are fairly certain that they are government-sanctioned troops
Murph: How can you tell?
General: Well, we trained most of them ... the operation and the tactical manoeuvres are fairly distinctive. They've done quite a good job actually - uh, no disrespect to the casualties
Murph: No, I'm sure there's none taken
Phillip: Still a credit to your training
As there are more deaths, the unit tries to urge Phillip and Warren to permit them to do more than just "urge" for restraint.
Ian: We've all seen what's going on. Clearly we have to respond to this latest series of attacks.
Phillip: Clearly
Warren: Absolutely
Ian: And make no mistake, gentlemen - the Prime Minister is determined to take action.
Tony: He wants to ramp this thing up
Phillip: Understood. The time for talk is over
Ian: Good. What's the alternative?
Warren: A clear call for dialogue
Murph, Ian and Tony stare blankly.
Nick: All right, I'll be first. Uh - what's the difference?
Phillip: (looks puzzled at the question) Hmm?
Tony: The difference between "talk" and "dialogue".
Phillip: Oh, ok. I'm with you - Warren?
Warren: Well - "talk" is a unilateral declaration of a position, whereas "dialogue" is a two-way exchange of views leading, hopefully, to mutual understanding.
Murph: Can't we just call the Ambassador in and get this sorted...
Phillip: (holding up a hand restrainingly) Whoah!
Warren: That sort of action could be seen as very inflammatory
Ian: What were you suggesting?
Phillip: If it's going to be dialogue, then the obvious forum is the AIHRD.
Warren: Yep, that's the forum. Right up their alley.
Nick: Me again. The ...?
Phillip: Australian-Indonesian Human Rights Dialogue
Warren: It's a bilateral forum between the two countries designed to handle exactly this sort of crisis.
Phillip: I mean they don't get a lot of press but when it comes to hammering out these sorts of issues, they are a very formidable organisation
Nick: Right. And what would they do?
Phillip: Have dialogue
Nick: Right. But then what?
Phillip: (puzzled) Sorry Nick, I'm not sure I'm with you
Murph: Do they actually achieve anything, Phil?
Warren: Well, at their last meeting, there were six separate human rights discussion points agenda-ed. 4 went on to be tabled, 3 of which are the subject of ongoing bilateral exchange, one resulting in an official communique.
Phillip: And have you read that in the press?
The head of media begs Murph to give her something to give the press but he has nothing for her.
Mel: After 36 hours the best we can do is announce a meeting?
Murph: We can't actually announce it, not until we've got a bilateral agreement to make it an agenda item
Nick gets sent along to speak to a member of the Australian-Indonesian Human Rights Dialogue to see if they can use the AIHRD to resolve the current problem.
Member: The issue of human rights in West Papua has been an agenda item at every dialogue.
Nick: And what's been the outcome?
Member: Obviously talks. Lot of back and forward. Lot of ups and downs. Uh, but just recently we managed, after a lot of false dawns to finally reach an agreement.
Nick: Which is?
Member: Well, of March this year, we've agreed to disagree.
Nick: Well done
Member: Thank you
Warren: Congratulations to all
Nick: It's great that the talks have been so fruitful, it's just that in light of what's been happening, the Prime Minister was hoping for something a little more concrete. Something he could point to.
Member: We feel that issues such as this are always best addressed through a process aimed at mutual understanding. Now, don't get me wrong, our talks can get pretty robust.
Nick: (irony barely masked) I can imagine
Warren: You should read the communiques
Member: It's really all about an exchange of positions, isn't it? Their views, our views ...
Nick: So if we want to bring both sides together and address what's going on in West Papua,
Member: Ah yes, agenda item one
Nick: ... with a clear view to action ...
Member: Uh ... red flag.
Warren: I have to agree
Nick: (grimly) Right
Member: We could go to dialogue with a view to further dialogue leading to action ... perhaps ... No, even that's jumping too many steps
Nick: I'll come back a step. When it comes to reaching agreement
Member: (corrects him) "Broad consensus"
Nick: are there points - ?
Member: (corrects him) "agenda items"
Nick: ... which result in something enforceable?
Member: (looks blank) Uh ...?
Nick: You follow me?
Member: No
Nick: Like a treaty or a pact?
Member: Ah, interesting. Yeah. I guess we've never got that far but it's always something we could raise at our next planning meeting.
Nick: (witheringly) You'll raise it?
Member: Well I can't guarantee that it will get on the agenda, but ..
Warren: Understood
Nick looks very flabbergasted
Member: But if the PM's behind it, we've got a very good chance
Nick: And when's your next meeting?
Member: Ah where are we?
Warren: The 16th
Member: Oh - well that's August
Warren: That's next year of course
Nick looks even more flabbergasted
Murph goes to speak to a friend, begging him for advice. He wants to know if they can go for sanctions. His friend urges him not to go down that route, that sanctions were only ever used on soft targets like Zimbabwe or North Korea. The government would be insane to impose sanctions against people they actually need. When Murph suggests trying to suspend military training, his friend says that this would be seen as provocative. Murphy is outraged and demands: "Provocative to stop training the very people who are carrying out the attacks?"
In the end, his friend suggests that if he wants to go down the sanctions route, it should be for an item that both sides know is meaningless and so a sanction doesn't actually matter. Like a sanction against palm oil or something. Murph returns to the unit.
Murph: Nick, how'd you go
Nick: Great, I think we should have this mess sorted out by 2012
Murph: Shit
Nick: You?
Murph: Sanctions
Nick: You're kidding
Murph: Low level. Tony's putting it to the PM's now ...
Later, Murph goes for his update from Tony on the sanctions situation.
Murph: Palm oil?
Tony: No no, that turned out to be more complicated than it seemed. Orchids.
Murph: Orchids? Refusing to buy orchids
Tony: Or sell them. I can't quite remember which one it was. It's actually a range of horticultural products. Orchids is the one that stuck in my mind. Anyway, no trade in ... whatever until the situation in West Papua is resolved.
Murph: All right. Well, I guess that's something, huh?
But then later after the Cabinet meeting, Murph finds out that even low-level sanctions against orchids have been vetoed...
Murph: So, how'd it go?
Ian: Well, everyone was appalled.
Tony: Absolutely. 32 dead now, so it's an absolute tragedy.
Murph: And the PM raised the idea of sanctions?
Ian: He put the case for direct action very forcibly.
Tony: Well, a couple of issues did pop up. Turns out flowers are a little more complicated than they first appeared.
Murph: So - wait a minute - sanctions are opposed?
Tony & Ian: No no, not opposed
Tony: No, it's just that ...
Ian: The Minister for Agriculture thought it might send a mixed signal.
Tony: He was a little concerned, yeah.
Ian: Then the Trade Minister pointed out the number of mining jobs that might be ... jeopardised.
Tony: Education ...
Ian: ... clearly ramifications there. Foreign students.
Tony: Huge deal now, Murph.
Ian: And then immigration chimed in.
Tony: Bang!
Ian: Oh they're concerned about our cooperation with border control.
Tony: Very delicate issue now. Then the Attorney-General started to wind up on it. Defence got ...they came in off the long run, didn't they, Ian?
Ian: Anyway, Cabinet feel that to mix trade with human rights would be unhelpful.
Murph: It might be helpful to the West Papuans, Ian
Ian: Would it?
Tony: Would it? Put a couple of orchid sellers out of business, crush the little fella?
Murph: What - so no one was in favour?
Tony: Errrr... sport
Ian: Oh yeah. The minister for sport thought there was a principle involved.
Tony: He was very passionate.
Ian: He suggested boycotting the Pan Asian Games.
Tony: Although it turns out we don't actually compete. I think he was confusing it with the Pan Pacs.
Murph: So where does that leave us?
Ian: Well the Prime Minister is absolutely clear. We still have to strengthen our position.
*
The episode was funny - but frightening in how true it was. I can't think of how often the Australian government is forced to take a soft approach towards sensitive issues because of the economics involved. I realise that it's part of their job and that the economics is also tied to the fact that decisions affect the lives of Australians - but it is a little disconcerting to consider the degree of compromise that exists.