Status Report
I'm soooooo sorry that I haven't updated in over 2 months.
Honestly, I have tried to write. I don't know if it's writer's block or not, but I can't seem to focus long enough to do so. I can blame Netflix (has anyone seen Bones or Arrow? No? Watch them now.) but honestly, I can't. The truth is that I've been focusing almost completely on my gender. I've started to think that I might be FTM. I've started going by male pronouns and bought a binder, but I haven't made any decisions regarding surgery or hormones. It's been... difficult. My sleeping patterns are off, I've almost made myself physically sick over the anxiety, and I've officially come out to my immediate family. Every time I sit down to write out the chapter, I find myself either unfocused and distracted enough to research FTM related things or uncomfortable with writing something so far from where I currently am with myself.
If it's not yet obvious, I tend to fill my stories with my own experiences in an attempt to come to peace with them, or at least make some sense of them. I'm afraid that I might have to introduce an ftm character in order to continue with FAC anytime soon. Seeing as how all five members of TVXQ are already male, Ahn is aromantic and very comfortable in her womanly parts, Changju, Heechul, Hangeng, Junho and Seukcheon are male, and Boa is also quite confy in her womanhood, I have no main characters or secondary characters that would fit the bill. Even if I introduced another character (one already based in reality, such as a sibling of one of the boys) I can't be certain that it'll be enough. The level of anxiety I'm feeling about the matter can't be placated by a character who's only mentioned every third or fourth chapter, and I feel that it's much too late in the story to add another main character. Ahn is lucky that she even made the cut for main character status, something that only happened because she's aromantic and has the hots for Yunho.
It's frustrating, because I love FAC, and I have every intention of finishing it, but I don't think there's any way I can shape it into what I need right now. I might have to write an entirely new fic to placate my current emotions. And what about if I decide to transition? I'm not going to be able to get through that without writing about it. I'm just... lost right now.
This isn't an appology to you all, though I do apologize for making you wait, especially with the development in Yunho's and Changmin's relationship; I know how many of you are anxious to see how the story will continue with that new bit. This is more an apology to myself. The Stage it Out Loud series is my baby, my pride and joy, and my heart and soul. If I can't find a way to intruduce this development in my life, my impending transition, into this story that has everything I've ever gone through in it, I have failed. This isn't just an interest, like medeival heirarchy (a HoMin fic theme I have yet to finish cuz I haven't touched it since the Phillipines) or rape victimology (Woes of the Unwated), etc. This is going to change my life, and I owe it to myself to share it in the way I'm most comfortable. But as of right now... I can't. I have no idea how to.
I'll figure it out. I always do. But until then, the wait will continue. I apologize for that.
Honestly, I have tried to write. I don't know if it's writer's block or not, but I can't seem to focus long enough to do so. I can blame Netflix (has anyone seen Bones or Arrow? No? Watch them now.) but honestly, I can't. The truth is that I've been focusing almost completely on my gender. I've started to think that I might be FTM. I've started going by male pronouns and bought a binder, but I haven't made any decisions regarding surgery or hormones. It's been... difficult. My sleeping patterns are off, I've almost made myself physically sick over the anxiety, and I've officially come out to my immediate family. Every time I sit down to write out the chapter, I find myself either unfocused and distracted enough to research FTM related things or uncomfortable with writing something so far from where I currently am with myself.
If it's not yet obvious, I tend to fill my stories with my own experiences in an attempt to come to peace with them, or at least make some sense of them. I'm afraid that I might have to introduce an ftm character in order to continue with FAC anytime soon. Seeing as how all five members of TVXQ are already male, Ahn is aromantic and very comfortable in her womanly parts, Changju, Heechul, Hangeng, Junho and Seukcheon are male, and Boa is also quite confy in her womanhood, I have no main characters or secondary characters that would fit the bill. Even if I introduced another character (one already based in reality, such as a sibling of one of the boys) I can't be certain that it'll be enough. The level of anxiety I'm feeling about the matter can't be placated by a character who's only mentioned every third or fourth chapter, and I feel that it's much too late in the story to add another main character. Ahn is lucky that she even made the cut for main character status, something that only happened because she's aromantic and has the hots for Yunho.
It's frustrating, because I love FAC, and I have every intention of finishing it, but I don't think there's any way I can shape it into what I need right now. I might have to write an entirely new fic to placate my current emotions. And what about if I decide to transition? I'm not going to be able to get through that without writing about it. I'm just... lost right now.
This isn't an appology to you all, though I do apologize for making you wait, especially with the development in Yunho's and Changmin's relationship; I know how many of you are anxious to see how the story will continue with that new bit. This is more an apology to myself. The Stage it Out Loud series is my baby, my pride and joy, and my heart and soul. If I can't find a way to intruduce this development in my life, my impending transition, into this story that has everything I've ever gone through in it, I have failed. This isn't just an interest, like medeival heirarchy (a HoMin fic theme I have yet to finish cuz I haven't touched it since the Phillipines) or rape victimology (Woes of the Unwated), etc. This is going to change my life, and I owe it to myself to share it in the way I'm most comfortable. But as of right now... I can't. I have no idea how to.
I'll figure it out. I always do. But until then, the wait will continue. I apologize for that.