Forward and Counting
Title: Forward and Counting [Part 3 of the Stage it Out Loud series; 1: No More Secrets and 2: Intermission]
Pairing: YunJae; YooMin
Length: 8/50
Genre: Romance; Humor; Angst
Warning(s): Homophobia, Cursing, Suicidal thoughts, Drug addiction, HIV mentions, Anxiety disorder, Self harm, Prostitution, Violence, Bashing, Depression
Rating: NC17 / PG15
Disclaimer: Seriously?
Summary: Out of a loop and into the future, how can TVXQ survive a shift in cultures and societal viewpoints as they move back home to brave the uncertain waters that are their Korean careers? Jaejoong can't exactly focus on the bleakness of their work, however, if he is too distracted by the bleakness of their home. Yunho and Changmin, though now separate, find it difficult to distance their bond, Yoochun knows the lack of argument in his and Changmin's relationship is unhealthy, and Jaejoong wonders how he and Yunho will fair the rocky undertones of their dysfunctional relationship. And what of Junsu? What of their families?
00 | 01 | 02 | 03: PG15 / NC17 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Wait... what?” Jaejoong steps off the elevator, pressing his phone firmer against his ear.
“Queerplatonic relationship,” Yunho repeats on the other line. He sounds way too happy to be saying the words. “It's a platonic relationship.”
“Isn't that just friendship?” Jaejoong asks. Changju moves into his line of sight, and Jaejoong raises a hand to still him.
“Well, it's committed,” Yunho says, “and a little more intimate, I think. Changmin can explain it better.”
“No,” Jaejoong says. “Absolutely not.”
“I'm not asking your permission,” Yunho replies
Jaejoong frowns. He lowers his phone, looking at Changju. “I'm sorry, sir, this can't wait.”
Changju nods. “Of course.” He gestures at his door. “Use my office. It'll give you more privacy.”
Jaejoong nods in thanks and hurries into the room, raising his phone again to his ear. “What do you mean you're not asking my permission?” he asks.
“I mean it isn't up to you,” Yunho says. He's infuriatingly calm. “This is between me and Changmin and it's completely separate from what you and I have. I was hoping you'd understand that.”
“Understand what?” Jaejoong asks. He begins pacing in front of Changju's desk. “Exactly how intimate is this supposed to be?”
“Not any more intimate than you and Yoochun are comfortable with,” Yunho says. “The relationship is a go no matter what, but we're still going to respect the boundaries of those involved.”
“But I'm not comfortable with this at all,” Jaejoong says.
“You barely know what it means,” Yunho argues. “So forgive me if I don't take your opinion seriously until you do.”
“It's a relationship,” Jaejoong says.
“Relationship doesn't always mean romantic relationship.” Yunho sighs. “I'm not fighting with you over the phone. Junsu's coming home this afternoon. I want the five of us to sit down and discuss what this means and how everyone will be affected. A mass googling session.”
“If you won't listen to me now, how do you think tonight will go?” Jaejoong asks. “Is my opinion valid or not?”
“Of course it is, Jae-yah,” Yunho says, “but until we're all more knowledgable on the concept, I don't really trust your opinion. Hell, I hardly even trust mine. If after everything is clear you still don't like the idea, then I'll listen. I can't promise that it'll go your way, though.”
Jaejoong stills. His response comes slowly. “You'd choose him over me?” he asks.
He can almost hear the eye-roll Yunho is giving him. “He's not more important to me than you are,” Yunho says levelly. “But you're not more important to me than he is. I love you both equally. In different ways, but equally. I'm not telling you to respect that. I'm just hoping you will.”
Jaejoong can't respond to that. He doesn't have to.
“We'll talk later,” Yunho says. “And no matter how angry you are, show up for the discussion tonight.”
Jaejoong mutters something in affirmation before hanging up the phone. He brings his hands to his face, wipes the moisture from his eyes* just as a light knock sounds on the door. He turns to open it.
“You okay?” Changju asks as he enters.
Jaejoong spots Ahn watching them from her desk.
“Yeah,” he says, forcing a smile. “Just fine.” Just fucking fine.
~
“Is this polyamory?” Yoochun asks as he follows behind Changmin with the shopping cart.
Changmin places a bushel of bananas in the basket. “If you characterize polyamory as having multiple romantic, sexual partners, then no. If you characterize it as having multiple partners that you are committed to but love in separate ways, then yes.”
“I meant the first way,” Yoochun says.
Changmin smiles at him. “Then no.”
Yoochun nods. “And you won't be having sex?”
“No,” Changmin says, turning down the bread aisle. “We know you and Jaejoong-hyung would be uncomfortable with that.”
“Yeah, thanks,” Yoochun says, wheeling the cart forward. He stops it in front of Changmin. “And kissing?”
“It's out if you and Jaejoong say so,” Changmin replies. He drops two loaves of bread beside the bananas. “But we'd like to be able to at least peck.”
“I'm not... against the idea,” Yoochun says.
“Well, you have until tonight to decide what you don't want us doing,” Changmin says with another smile. “I'm just happy that you're taking this so well.”
Yoochun shrugs. “Well, you seem happy about it, and I like you happy. I'm just worried that this might lead you back to the relationship you and Yunho had before. You know, your friends-with-benefits situation. I want you two to be going into this relationship with all the right intentions, no lies or shadiness going on.”
Changmin's smile withers. “While I understand your concern, there's just one point I want to make clear.”
Yoochun nods. “Of course.”
“Call what Yunho and I had friends-with-benefits again,” Changmin says, “and I will break up with you.”
Yoochun swallows. “Um...”
“It may have been rocky and unhealthy,” Changmin tells him softly, mindful of those shopping in the aisles beside theirs, “but it was intimate and very legitimate. I asked him for this shift in our friendship because I miss the intimacy, not so much the physical nature of the relationship. He agreed to this non-romantic, non-sexual relationship, so I assume he feels the same. If you're afraid I'll cheat on you with him, that's separate from that. If Yunho and I were to become sexual again any time in the future, that's separate from that. Our previous relationship changed the way I see him; it doesn't dictate any of my future relationships or any of my personal choices. It happened; it's done. It was a unique experience. Yunho and I could never return to that. Not if we were sexual. Not if we were romantic. It's not something to fear, but it's not something to forget. Do you understand?”
Yoochun doubts he has a choice in understanding. After a moment, he says, “I'm sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” Changmin says, turning away.
Yoochun hurries after him with the cart in tow.
~
“I leave for three days,” Junsu mutters as he exits his brother's house, reading Yunho's email from his phone.
“Drama?” Junho asks from behind him.
“Someone's bound to make it dramatic,” Junsu says. He takes his bag from his brother. “Thanks for letting me stay here. I needed it.”
“As if I'd kick you out,” Junho replies with a snort. “I just wish you'd tell me what's going on over there.”
Junsu smiles apologetically. “I'm afraid that's confidential.”
“Uh huh.” Junho opens the trunk of Junsu's car.
Junsu throws the bag inside.
“At least you got to eat,” Junho says. “You were fucking skinny.”
“It's the diet,” Junsu says for the fourth time. “And I've been working out.”
Junho grabs Junsu's arm and squeezes. “Then why are you losing muscle?” he asks.
Junsu grimaces when he's released. All amusement is gone from between them.
Junho rolls his eyes and hugs him. Junsu hugs back.
“Just stay grounded, okay?” Junho asks.
Junsu nods. “I'll try,” he mumbles into Junho's shoulder. “I promise.”
~
“He's not as good of a leader as you, I'd say,” Changju says as he rifles through his file cabinet, “but he has his good points.”
Jaejoong nods, raising his water glass to his lips. He mentally thumbs over his history as JYJ's leader and Yunho's as TVXQ's and he concludes that Yunho is correct: Changju does have a crush on him.
“But unlike your Japanese manager,” Changju continues, “I'm not going to continue to treat you as the leader when you're not.” He finds the folder he's searching for and rolls his chair back behind his desk. “I was wondering if you'd like to do a solo gig,” he says.
“You mean like a performance?” Jaejoong asks.
“No. Yunho would kill me if I asked you something like that without discussing it first with him.” Changju hands him the folder. “I want you to attend an Ally conference.”
Jaejoong sets down his glass and opens the folder. “By myself?” he asks.
“You get a plus one,” Changju says, “but essentially yes. None of the other band members are to accompany you.”
“Not even Yunho?” Jaejoong asks.
“Not even Yunho,” Changju replies.
“I'm not sure about this.” Jaejoong leafs through the pages in front of him. Invitation, dress code, conference pass... “I'm horrible at public speaking,” he says. “I say things I'm not supposed to, I stutter, I have absolutely no filter...” Jesus, just because he's working on it doesn't mean he's cured.
“It's more of a panel than an individual press conference,” Changju says. “And I trust Yunho to give you pointers on what not to say.”
“Why me?” Jaejoong asks.
“Because you're the only real ally among the five of you,” Changju replies. He pulls a debut photo of TVXQ from a file already resting on his desk, and Jaejoong looks at it reluctantly.
“Yunho and Changmin are gay,” Changju says, crossing out the two with a penned X. “They could be considered allies-they're role models, and with Ahn's help they'll soon be beacons of hope for millions of closeted Koreans-but the definition of ally we're looking for here is a straight person who supports the community.
“Yoochun is involved with Changmin in some fashion. So he's out, too.” He crosses out Yoochun's image.
“That leaves you and Junsu. We don't even need to discuss why Junsu isn't considered supportive.”
Jaejoong cringes as Junsu's image is marked through and his own is left unmarred at the photo's center.
“And that leaves you.” Changju drops his pen. “Now, whether you're straight or not, I don't care, and I'd prefer if you kept it to yourself if you aren't. But one of you has to go.”
Jaejoong tears his eyes away from himself. “Can I discuss it with Yunho first?” he asks quietly.
“No.” Changju leans forward. “Will you do it?”
Jaejoong sighs inwardly. “Yes.”
“Good!” Changju rises from his seat. “I'm late for a meeting, but you can stay as long as you'd like. Take the folder with you when you go. Oh!” He pauses in the doorway. “Do you have an idea for your date?”
It's already been established that Yunho isn't an option. Jaejoong shakes his head.
“Ah.” Changju leans out of the office. “Ahn! Come here a moment!”
Jaejoong rises immediately. “Wait, sir, I don't know about-”
Ahn appears in the doorway. “Yes, sir?”
Changju eases her inside with a hand on the small of her back. “How would you like to attend a formal conference?” he asks.
Ahn's eyes narrow suspiciously. “With whom?” Her eyes fall on Jaejoong.
Jaejoong freezes under her stare.
“Oh, no,” she says. “I don't get paid enough for this.”
Jaejoong frowns at the insult.
“He doesn't have anyone else to take,” Changju argues gently.
“There's probably a reason for that,” Ahn says.
Jaejoong flushes. “If you have a problem with me-”
“I am really late,” Changju says, speaking over the both of them. “So can I at least get an answer as to whether you're going together or not?”
Jaejoong quirks an eyebrow at Ahn.
Ahn crosses her arms. “Fine.”
“Great,” Changju says, grabbing the knob of the open door. “I leave you kids to settle your differences.”
With that, he closes the door, and Jaejoong and Ahn are swallowed in silence.
~
“So he said yes?” Yunho asks. He nods in thanks as the bartender sets his glass of scotch on a napkin.
Heechul throws back another shot of tequila before answering. “I don't know. It was more of a maybe.”
“What were Hangeng's precise words?” Yunho asks gently, placing a hand on Heechul's shoulder.
Heechul sighs. “`We'll discuss this in person next weekend. I have a few days off.'” He signals for the bartender to pour him another. “I'm so nervous I could puke. I have puked.”
“He's flying over from China on his own holiday,” Yunho says. “I'd say that's a good sign.”
“I'm not ready to see him,” Heechul says.
Yunho smiles. “I doubt anything bad will come out of this.”
“`We'll discuss this in person,'” Heechul repeats. “Completely neutral language there. No sign that he wants a relationship.”
“It's still no sign that he doesn't,” Yunho says, leaning closer. He sips at his scotch before adding, “And relationships are full of neutral language.”
Heechul empties his glass again. He looks thoughtfully at Yunho a moment before resting his head on Yunho's shoulder. “Can I ask you something?” he asks.
“I told the bartender that you just broke up with a girl and you need to get over it,” Yunho replies. “He's seen you in here before so he shouldn't read into us being all touchy. You're touchy with everyone.”
“No, that's not it,” Heechul says. “But thank you. What I want to ask is: Have you ever confessed to a guy who you were almost completely sure was straight?”
Yunho frowns. He didn't confess to Jaejoong until he was reasonably sure his feelings were returned. The same was true for all his exes. “The only one I can think of is Seokjin,” he says after a moment, and his heart aches briefly. “My first love.”
“What did he say?” Heechul asks.
Yunho ponders the memory. “He had sex with me.”
Heechul scoffs and shoves off of Yunho's side. “That's disgusting. Why do I ask you anything?”
Yunho smiles apologetically when someone clears their throat from behind them.
It's Boa. She hops onto the stool on Yunho's other side and kisses him on the cheek.
Heechul whines at the sight of her and swallows another shot.
Boa frowns at him. “Girl problems?” she asks Yunho.
Yunho nods.
“He's been complaining about them all week.” Boa rifles through her purse. “Scotch on the rocks,” she tells the bartender.
“What kind?” he asks.
She nods at Yunho's glass. “His kind.”
The bartender nods and takes down a glass.
“So,” Yunho says, throwing an arm around Boa's shoulders. “What are your troubles?”
Boa looks at him. “I don't have any. You do.”
Yunho winces and removes his arm.
“You know what I'm here about,” Boa says.
“Oh,” Yunho says sardonically, “could it be about seeing the lot of Super Junior?”
“Fate worse than death,” Heechul mutters into his drink.
“It's your band,” Boa reminds him, then tells Yunho, “It would do your relationship with them some good.”
“I told you,” Yunho says, “your problem isn't with me. It's Changmin who would rather poke out his eye and hand it to you.”
“Gross,” Boa says. “Can't you talk to him?”
“No,” Yunho says.
Boa glares at him.
Yunho sighs. “Look, you weren't there-”
“He didn't mean what he said,” Boa says over him.
Heechul snorts. He leans forward to look past Yunho at Boa. “To hell he didn't,” he says. “That shit doesn't just fall out of someone's mouth at random.”
Yunho grimaces. He rubs Heechul's back in an attempt to calm him.
Boa ignores Heechul. “He's sorry,” she says to Yunho. “He really is.”
“Then why isn't he the one apologizing to us?” Yunho asks.
“Because he's embarrassed,” Boa says.
“Because he isn't sorry,” Heechul cuts back in. His shot glass is near breaking in his grasp. “And if you knew what he said word for word you wouldn't be so quick to defend him.”
“Heechul, please,” Boa says, “you're drunk.” She looks at Yunho. “Leeteuk is stubborn. You know that.”
“So is Changmin,” Yunho says. “As is Heechul.” He shakes his head when the bartender comes over to pour Heechul another shot and the man gets the hint, putting away the tequila. “If Leeteuk wants Changmin's forgiveness, he's going to have to apologize to him personally,” Yunho says to Boa, “and even then Changmin might not forgive him.”
“I wouldn't,” Heechul says.
“Heechul.” Boa is close to shouting. “Stay out of this.”
It's the last straw; the glass shatters in Heechul's hand.
~
Jaejoong mirrors Ahn's pose, crossed arms and all. “Is there a problem?” he asks.
Ahn sighs. “No. I just don't want to be responsible for you.” She uncrosses her arms. “Or any of your bandmates, for that matter.”
Jaejoong tilts his head. “Is that a homophobic sentiment?” he asks.
Ahn's eyes widen. “No.” She crosses the room and slides behind Changju's desk. She retrieves the file from which Changju pulled the photo. “Here,” she says, handing Jaejoong a stack of newspaper and magazine clippings.
Jaejoong sits back down in front of the desk, glancing over the headlines. His heart sinks. “Oh,” he says.
Ahn nods, sitting in Changju's chair. “I don't think you realize how incredible it is that you are even still relevant.”
“And you don't want to be associated with us...” Jaejoong pauses at the article about his one-night-stand with Kairi. He skims it and grimaces at its harshness. So that's why Yunho was so upset, he thinks.
“I'm forced to associate with all of our clients,” Ahn says, “so not exactly. I just don't want to make worse an already delicate situation. You're in the spotlight right now. Yunho and Changmin are single, and you've already been written up in the paper as homophobic and sleeping with a random girl to prove your heterosexuality. If we go to this conference together, there will be questions.”
“So... do I go alone?” Jaejoong asks.
“Well, no,” Ahn says. “It would probably be better for the headlines, but are you really comfortable with speaking to a crowd about LGBTQA issues?”
Jaejoong shakes his head.
“Yunho told me that you're trying to train yourself out of certain habits,” Ahn says.
Jaejoong meets her gaze. “How much did he tell you about that?” he asks.
“Just that,” Ahn says, “and that we should continue treating you with kid gloves until you explicitly say not to.”
Jaejoong relaxes. “Smart.”
“So you need an escort,” Ahn says.
“And you and Yunho are really the two best choices,” Jaejoong says, returning his attention to the news clippings.
“I guess,” Ahn says.
“You two are really similar,” Jaejoong continues absently.
Ahn doesn't seem convinced. If anything, she looks mortified. “Uh huh.” She tilts her head. “Are you a masochist, by any chance?” she asks.
Jaejoong's eyes snap up to meet hers, his cheeks burning. “What?”
Ahn rolls her eyes. “Don't be gross. I'm talking about the clippings.”
“Oh.” Jaejoong looks at them. “I just haven't read any of the articles.”
“That's sixty percent of Yunho's job,” Ahn says, leaning forward. “And zero percent of yours. Here.” She takes them from him and hands back the last few. “These are more recent. They're less critical.”
Jaejoong smiles. “Thank you. Can I keep them?”
“No.” Ahn frowns. “I could make copies, if you'd like.”
“No, that's fine,” Jaejoong says, embarrassed. What little this woman has in common with Yunho is throwing him off. “So have we decided on the conference?”
“I already promised Changju I'd go,” Ahn says, leaning back in the chair. “But we need a game plan.”
Jaejoong nods. “I don't think I'd be much help with that.”
“No,” Ahn agrees, “I think I'll have to swallow my pride and work with Yunho on this one.”
Jaejoong's brow furrows. He wonders what she means, but he doesn't pry. “I'll just go, then,” he says. “I have some errands to run before I get home.”
Ahn doesn't rise with him. She watches as he drops the clippings on the desk.
Jaejoong hesitates before picking up the marked photo of TVXQ. He slips it and the conference folder into his bag.
Ahn drums her fingers on the armrest of Changju's chair. “Start thinking about what you'd like to wear. I'll come by tomorrow afternoon and we can go shopping.”
Jaejoong smiles. “Sounds good. I'll let Yunho know.”
“You do that,” Ahn says.
Jaejoong moves for the door.
“I'll make copies,” Ahn says, stopping him. “Of the clippings. I'll keep them on file for when you come next.”
Jaejoong nods. “Thank you.”
They part with a wave each.
~
“Where is Yunho?” Yoochun asks, closing the door.
“Out, I guess,” Changmin replies. He carries the bags of groceries into the kitchen.
“He'll be home for the discussion, won't he?” Yoochun asks, shuffling in after him.
“I'm assuming,” Changmin says. He begins unloading the groceries.
Yoochun moves to help.
“How do you think Jaejoong is taking Yunho's and my decision?” Changmin asks, head in the fridge.
Yoochun shrugs. “My guess is: not well, but he may surprise us. He's trying to change his character, so...”
Changmin sighs as he opens another bag.
“Problem?” Yoochun asks.
“I just want everyone to take it well,” Changmin says quietly.
“In time, baby,” Yoochun says, touching Changmin's shoulder. He steps toward the pantry.
“You're not threatened by it, are you?” Changmin asks.
Yoochun pauses before placing the sugar and coffee creamer on the shelf. “I guess. If I were being honest.”
Changmin looks at him. “You didn't mention that earlier.”
“I'm being supportive,” Yoochun says. He closes the pantry and places his hands on Changmin's shoulders. “I'm sure once all of our questions are answered and everyone's boundaries are out on the table we'll be a lot more comfortable with the arrangement.”
Changmin grimaces. “You should feel comfortable with showing me your emotions.”
Yoochun shrugs. “We started dating yesterday. If this came about when we'd been together for a few months, then I might be more upset. I like that this happened now. I can get used to it while getting used to you. Like an aspect of our relationship that will always be there.”
“Another man?” Changmin asks skeptically.
“With whom you are neither romantic nor sexual,” Yoochun points out. “I won't say that I'm completely comfortable, but it's also not really my business. Not when you're already respecting my boundaries by not being too intimate with him.”
Changmin nods, turning back to the groceries.
Yoochun watches him. “You know, it goes both ways. The emotions thing.”
Changmin quirks an eyebrow at him.
“You should feel comfortable,” Yoochun clarifies. “With showing me your emotions.”
Changmin looks confused. “What are you talking about?”
Yoochun sighs. “Nothing. Never mind.” He also returns to the groceries.
There's a tingling of keys, then the sound of the front door opening, and then Junsu's voice calls, “Hey!”
“In here,” Changmin calls back.
Junsu enters the kitchen. “Hey.” He hugs Changmin, then Yoochun. “Been a while.”
“It has,” Changmin agrees. “How was your vacation?”
“Great, thank you,” Junsu says.
“And how's your brother?” Yoochun asks.
“Still my knight in shining armor,” Junsu says, smiling. “And speaking of-” He looks at Changmin. “-I hear that you have two knights now?
Changmin blushes. “Yeah. Yoochun and I are dating.”
“Since yesterday,” Yoochun adds.
Junsu smiles. “That was bound to happen eventually,” he says.
“And he's friend-dating Yunho-hyung,” Yoochun says. “Yunho wants us all to sit down and talk about it when he and Jaejoong get back.”
Changmin nods. “Yeah, Junsu-hyung, about that-I have a feeling Jaejoong is going to be really upset, so in case we're only answering his questions instead of yours and Yoochun's, I want to explain things a little beforehand.”
“You don't have to explain it to me,” Junsu says.
“Hyung, just let me.” Changmin clears his throat. “This doesn't mean that Yunho and I are getting back together or that we'll be having sex-”
“Changmin-ah,” Junsu says, “you don't have to do that. Yunho explained everything in his email.”
Changmin blinks. “And you get it?” he asks.
Junsu laughs. “I have a twin. Of course I get it.” He moves to fix himself a cup of coffee.
Yoochun hands him a mug. He smiles at Changmin, who still looks confused. “There's an old Japanese fable,” Yoochun says, “that twins are star-crossed lovers who committed suicide together in a past life.”
Junsu nods. “And where was it that we read that soul mates don't always come to us as lovers, but in friendship, too?”
Changmin finally smiles. “Junsu-hyung, I love you.”
“Careful,” Junsu says. “You don't need three boyfriends.”
Changmin and Yoochun laugh.
~
Yunho slides off his stool and encloses Heechul's hand in the hem of his shirt. Boa joins them at Heechul's other side. The bartender replaces Yunho's shirt with a clean rag, and in the exchange they see the damage done to Heechul's skin. Shards of glass have imbedded themselves into dozens of small cuts across his palm. The injury is superficial, but the blood is no less shocking. Heechul looks stunned most of all.
Boa calls him a ride. Leeteuk shows up.
Yunho's heart bleeds at the sight of Heechul climbing into the passenger seat of Leeteuk's car, but he betrays nothing in his expression. Boa is beside him, and she doesn't know Heechul's secret.
“That was scary,” Boa says. She's offered to walk him home.
Yunho turns toward the apartment building.
“I wonder what got into him,” Boa continues, walking at his side.
Yunho plays dumb. “Maybe he hasn't forgiven Leeteuk for what he said, either,” he says.
“He didn't say it to him, though,” Boa says.
Yunho shrugs. “You don't have to be gay to find homophobia unforgivable,” he explains. “Jaejoong is straight and he'd break anyone's nose for saying something so hurtful.”
Boa is quiet a moment, then asks, “What did he say?”
Yunho doesn't reply.
“I mean, I know what he said. Vaguely.” Boa fidgets with the strap of her purse. “He said he told you something homophobic and he probably shouldn't have. He regrets it. He was drunk.”
“But that makes it worse,” Yunho says. “He's not a mean drunk, you know that. He's an honest drunk. So that makes it worse.”
“So tell me what he said,” Boa says, glancing at him. “Verbatim.”
Yunho shakes his head. “It's not important.”
“I want to know,” Boa says. “I want to know whose side I'm on.”
“Then don't pick sides,” Yunho says.
“Yunho...” Boa admonishes.
They reach Yunho's building, but Boa's cab has yet to arrive, so he waits with her. “It's not something that should be repeated,” he tells her. “I'm not going to to spread that around.”
Boa sighs. “So what do we do about it?” she asks.
“We aren't going to do anything,” Yunho says.
Boa nods. “I get it. I won't ask you to see him anymore.”
“Thank you,” Yunho says, smiling.
Boa's cab arrives, then, and Yunho opens the door for her.
Boa kisses him on the cheek. “See you around,” she says.
“You'll text me,” he replies.
Boa rolls her eyes and steps into the cab.
Yunho sees her off before heading into the building. He lets his mind wander back to that night five months ago. He and Changmin sat together on the love seat, hands clenched as Leeteuk stood over them reeking of alcohol. He had only arrived at the party once he'd had a few drinks elsewhere, Yunho remembers, and that was hours before the fateful outburst.
Yunho doesn't dwell on the effect Leeteuk's anger had on him or his ex, however; he thinks of Heechul standing at the snack table, growing smaller and smaller with every degrading word Leeteuk threw at the couple.
How painful that must have been. To have your leader insult and delegitimize every part of your being. And it is every part of Heechul's being. His homosexuality is his only secret, the only part of himself that he loathes. Yunho hopes that by confessing to Hangeng, Heechul is moving toward a kind of peace.
Yunho can't say much for peace, though. His homosexuality is what he hates most, as well.
It's with that thought that he reaches the apartment, and he lets himself in, locking that blaring truth in the back of his mind where it belongs.
Changmin pokes his head out of the kitchen. “Hey.”
Yunho smiles at him. “Hey.”
“Jaejoong-hyung isn't with you?” Changmin asks.
“He had a meeting with Changju,” Yunho says. He toes out of his shoes. “He's not happy.”
“I assumed he wouldn't be,” Changmin says. He frowns. “Do you think he'll want us to just be friends?”
“I told him that after we talk we'll all be more informed,” Yunho says. “I think everyone needs to calm down until then.”
“Right,” Changmin says. “Sorry.”
Yunho shrugs.
“I just worry,” Changmin says. “What if he's completely against it?”
“Then we'll talk about it,” Yunho says. “Like I said, calm down.”
“Who needs to calm down?” Yoochun asks, stepping out of the kitchen. Junsu follows close behind.
Yunho moves forward to give Junsu a hug. “Everyone,” he replies over Junsu's shoulder. “Jaejoong is confused and pissed to high hell and Changmin thinks he'll reject him.”
Yoochun grimaces. “Yeah. Jaejoong can be hard headed.”
“There's still a chance he won't accept the idea even after he calms down,” Changmin says. “I don't want to make him feel threatened.”
“We'll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Yoochun says.
Junsu nods. “He may get it, anyway.”
“Even if he doesn't,” Yunho says, “I don't want anyone blaming themselves for any problems that may arise.”
Yoochun looks at him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I don't want any of the three of you butting in if Jaejoong and I fight or-God forbid-break up.”
Changmin stares at him. “I don't want you breaking up over me.”
“Excuse you,” Yunho says, giving him a pointed look. “A bit full of ourselves today, are we?”
Changmin's face falls. “Excuse you. Who do you think Jaejoong's going to get angry at?”
“Jaejoong is stubborn,” Yunho says, “but not petty. If we break up tonight, it has nothing to do with you. Jaejoong's anger is one hundred percent directed at me.”
“But-”
The door slams. All four of them stare as Jaejoong pulls off his shoes.
“I'm not breaking up with anyone,” he mutters, glaring at Yunho.
~
Immediately, the other three turn and return to the kitchen, leaving the couple to themselves.
Yunho remains where he is. “I'm sorry about today,” he says. “Heechul was with me when I called and he said I sounded like a douche. That wasn't my intention.”
Jaejoong sighs as he hangs his bag on the hall tree. “You always sound like a douche when we fight, so I'm used to it.”
Yunho smiles sheepishly. “We do have awful fights, don't we?”
Jaejoong doesn't return the smile. He crosses his arms. “I just want to make it known that my feelings are valid and I have a say in this relationship.”
“Yes,” Yunho agrees.
“And when I have an opinion,” Jaejoong continues, “no matter how misguided it may be, I expect it to be respected.”
Yunho nods. “Yes,” he repeats. “I'll do my best to get better. I'm used to talking to you as your leader, not as your boyfriend. The shift is a little greater than I expected.”
“Is that your excuse?” Jaejoong asks calmly.
“No,” Yunho says. “I'll give you reasons for my actions, but that doesn't mean I expect you to excuse them. It's your choice whether you forgive me or not. Our relationship is going to change a lot of things, Jaejoong-ah, and one of them is that you're going to see the worst in me. I hope you'll forgive me for that and see me through it, but I don't demand it. I'll never demand anything of you.”
Jaejoong sighs and lowers his gaze. “What's this talk of us breaking up, then?” he asks.
“I have no intention of breaking up with you,” Yunho says. “You might want to break up with me after the discussion, though.”
“Because of this thing with Changmin,” Jaejoong says, glancing into the kitchen.
“Yeah,” Yunho says, rubbing his neck. “I won't go into details since we're about to start talking about it anyway. But if after the discussion you don't feel comfortable in this type of situation, there's not really much we can do. Your boundaries are your boundaries.”
“So you won't compromise on this?” Jaejoong asks.
“We'll compromise to a point,” Yunho says, “like with how intimate we are or whether we can go out on friend-dates or whatever, but whether Changmin and I are Super Friends or just best friends, I don't think anything would really change. I'll always be fond of him, Jaejoong, and I'm not willing to cut him out of my life. That's not a compromise, in my opinion.”
Jaejoong nods thoughtfully.
“But let's talk later,” Yunho says. Yoochun, Changmin, and Junsu have migrated to the living room, and Yunho takes Jaejoong's hand. “Let's just discuss for now.”
When they enter the living room, Jaejoong is taken aside again, but this time by Yoochun. Yunho releases his hand and sits beside Changmin on the sofa. They don't even look at each other, just silently pick at the bowls of snacks laid out across the coffee table. Junsu adds another to the assortment before sitting in one of the armchairs.
“What is it?” Jaejoong asks Yoochun.
“Yunho told us not to meddle,” Yoochun says quietly. “But have you calmed down?”
“A little,” Jaejoong says. “Still not sure how I feel about this, though.”
“It's not cheating,” Yoochun says.
“Depends on how you define cheating,” Jaejoong counters. “You're sure taking this well.”
Yoochun shrugs. “I'd rather they have a relationship with clearly defined boundaries than just go around not sure if how they're acting or feeling is disloyal to us. And I don't want Changmin hiding stuff like this from me. I want him to be completely honest.”
“But you don't come first for him,” Jaejoong points out.
“Neither does Yunho-hyung,” Yoochun says. “We're both his first priority.”
“So you're sharing,” Jaejoong translates.
“Hyung,” Yoochun say, frowning. “It's not like they're having sex and making out. They just want time together. Look at them.” He points at Changmin leaning in to whisper in Yunho's ear; Yunho proceeds to nod and explain the details on the shirt he's wearing*. “They just love each other. Not in the way that they love us, with the romance and the sex. They don't need that. That's okay with me. As long as they don't cross that line, I respect them and trust them to keep their promises. Even Yunho with that libido of his.”
Jaejoong tries not to smile at that.
“I'm only saying this because I like how happy you are with Yunho,” Yoochun says. “I don't think you want to break up with him before you even know how this will affect your relationship, if it does at all.”
Jaejoong nods. “Let's sit down,” he says. “I think we're getting ahead of ourselves here.”
Yoochun nods, face brightening. He takes the second armchair. Jaejoong moves for the sofa.
Yunho smiles shyly up at him. “Which side?” he asks.
Even before Jaejoong replies, Changmin is making room for him to sit in between them. Jaejoong smiles at him stiffly before instead nudging Yunho to sit in the space Changmin has cleared. He sits on Yunho's other side.
Still, Changmin is squished, and he moves to the floor, where he opens his laptop. “So,” he says, stealing something from a bowl, “what's the first question?”
“Why am I here?” Junsu asks before either Yoochun or Jaejoong can open their mouths.
“Because you live here and we love you,” Yunho replies.
“It doesn't concern me,” Junsu says. “Of all your relationships, this has to be the one I'm most comfortable with.”
“Do you have any boundaries?” Changmin asks. “This is your home, too.”
Junsu shakes his head. “As long as the lot of you aren't having orgies while I'm home-”
Yoochun nearly chokes on an M'n'M. He coughs violently when he recovers.
“No one is having orgies with anyone,” Yunho says loudly.
“I think sex is something we should discuss, though,” Jaejoong says.
Yoochun nods.
“We won't be having sex,” Changmin says.
“You say that,” Jaejoong says, “but do you want to have sex?”
Changmin grimaces; Yunho wiggles his hand in a noncommittal motion.
“That's not an answer,” Jaejoong says, picking a snack from the assortment.
“It's not a want want,” Yunho says. He taps Changmin's shoulder. “You can explain it better.”
Changmin throws him an annoyed look. “It's more of an intimacy thing,” he explains. “Not so much sexual attraction. The closeness would be nice, but we don't need it. At least that's how I feel.”
“Me, too,” Yunho says with a nod. He looks at Jaejoong. “It's not that I want him like I want you. Just something that would be cool, but nothing that's going to be a problem. Like a nice lamp in an already well-lit room. It's nice but not necessary.”
Jaejoong nods, relaxing. “As long as I don't have to worry about you getting drunk and tearing each other's-”
“Wait a minute, hyung,” Changmin says to Jaejoong, then glares at Yunho. “Did you just compare sex with me to a lamp?”
Yunho coughs. “Well...”
Yoochun tsks. “Hesitating...”
“You're an asshole,” Changmin says to Yunho.
“Something we can agree on,” Jaejoong says, clinking his coffee mug with Changmin's.
“Anyway,” Yunho says, waving dismissively, “does anyone consider that cheating?”
“I do,” Junsu pipes in. “But I'm not sure if my opinion counts in this area.”
Yunho looks at him helplessly.
“I don't consider thinking cheating,” Jaejoong says, smirking at Junsu. “I think about having sex with a lot of people, but that doesn't mean I intend on acting on any of those urges. As long as y'all keep your dicks to yourselves.”
Junsu sighs. “Can we please use PG-13 language while the straight guy is in the room?”
Yunho nods. “Let's all be respectful with our language, guys,” he says.
Yoochun seems to be hesitating. “... I consider thinking cheating,” he says finally.
Changmin looks at him.
“But I don't take what you just described as cheating,” Yoochun continues. “It's not that you have a strong urge to have sex with each other. I can trust you to hang out alone and not lose your control because there isn't anything to control.”
Changmin smiles and takes his hand. “Thank you,” he says.
Yoochun smiles back. He looks at Jaejoong. “We do need to talk about kissing, though.”
“You want to kiss?” Jaejoong asks Yunho.
“Intimacy,” Yunho says. “Just pecking.”
“No,” Jaejoong says. He sips at his coffee. “If there's any mouth to mouth going on one of you better be dying.”
Yunho and Changmin exchange glances.
Yunho sets his mug on the coffee table. “Then we have to confess something.”
Jaejoong stands up. “You already kissed, didn't you,” he says with a sigh.
“It was a peck,” Yunho explains. He remains seated, though he fidgets. “After we decided on this thing.”
“Our emotions got the better of us,” Changmin says.
“No, don't explain it,” Jaejoong says, stepping around the coffee table.
“Hyung,” Yoochun says.
“No,” Jaejoong says. He begins to pace in front of the television. “Let me walk it off.”
“Jaejoong-ah,” Yunho says, “if you consider this cheating, you can be mad about it all you want.”
“Yunho, thank you, but I'm a grown-ass man,” Jaejoong says mid-pace, looking at the wall ahead of him. “I think I can decide when I need to be angry and when I need to calm down.”
Yunho nods and closes his mouth.
“It wasn't about attraction, hyung,” Changmin says quietly. “It was just triumphant. Like soccer players winning a match.”
“Babe,” Yoochun says, squeezing his hand, “I don't think he wants to hear from you.”
“I'm not mad at Changmin,” Jaejoong says. “I'm hardly even mad at Yunho.” It's a stale kind of anger; angry it happened, is all.
Junsu speaks up again once everyone's been silent for half a minute. “Why all the analogies?” he asks no one is particular. “The lamp, the soccer players.”
“Because Yoochun and I have no idea what they're talking about,” Jaejoong says. He sighs again, turns toward toward the couch. “Okay,” he says. “I've decided. Before, I was mad because I didn't get it. I still don't, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.”
“About?” Yunho asks.
“That what you're saying is true,” Jaejoong says. “Just because I haven't experienced something like this doesn't mean it doesn't exist.”
“Thank you,” Yunho says.
Changmin nods emphatically.
Jaejoong merely sits back down and takes Yunho's hand into his own. “No handholding,” he says after a moment.
“Check,” Yunho says, leaning into him.
“No kisses on the cheek,” Yoochun says.
“Okay,” Changmin says.
“No bathing or sleeping together,” Jaejoong says.
“Why the hell would we bathe together?” Changmin asks, wrinkling his nose.
“I don't know,” Jaejoong says. The last of his anger dissipates, and he blushes. “I used to do that with my friends when we were younger.”
“Exactly how young?” Yunho asks.
Jaejoong blushes harder. “Well, what other things are common in these... Super Friendships?” he asks.
“Don't avoid the question,” Yunho says, smirking now. “Was this before or after puberty?”
“Super Friendships?” Changmin asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Yunho's words,” Jaejoong says, still red-faced, “not mine.”
“Less of a mouthful,” Yunho says when Changmin looks at him. “But no seriously,” he says to Jaejoong. “How old were these other boys?”
“Could you let it go?” Jaejoong asks.
“If you two are going to flirt, go away,” Changmin says. He opens the browser on his laptop. “I'll find a relationship checklist that we can go through.”
“I'm not flirting,” Jaejoong says. “He's just trying to rile me up.”
“And it's not working at all,” Yoochun replies sarcastically. He looks over Changmin's shoulder. “You should probably also look up some couples in media that can be interpreted as queerplatonic.”
“Good idea,” Changmin says.
“I can think of a few off the top of my head,” Junsu supplies. “Sherlock and Watson.”
“Frasier and Niles,” Yunho adds. “They were brothers, though.”
“So are me and Junho,” Junsu says. He pauses, then says, “Will and Grace.”
“Wayne and Wally in that book you were reading yesterday,” Yoochun says to Changmin*.
Jaejoong smiles as they continue naming dynamic duos. He rests his chin on Yunho's shoulder.
An hour later, the discussion is over. Junsu is helping Changmin clear the coffee table and Yoochun is using Changmin's computer for something of his own.
Jaejoong leans in to whisper in Yunho's ear. “I'm going to my room for a bit. Have to do something.”
Yunho nods. “I'll be in after you in a few.”
Jaejoong leaves him and heads down the hall. He grabs his bag from the hall tree before moving for his room. There, he empties its contents onto his bed. He takes the debut photo from the pile first and studies it a moment before clipping it over his desk. He then picks up the conference folder and sits on the edge of his bed.
Super Friendships and interpersonal relationships aside, this is what deserves Jaejoong's full attention at the moment. He flips through the paperwork.
How in god's name is he going to pull this off, he wonders. Even with Ahn at his side, he's going to make a fool of himself. Especially with Ahn at his side; the reporters are going to have a field day.
He recalls Ahn's request that he give his attire some thought and he pulls the dress code sheet to the front of the stack. Black tie. He sighs.
A knock sounds on the door.
“Come in,” he says.
Yunho steps inside and closes the door behind him. “What's that?” he asks, nodding at the folder.
“I have been invited to attend an Ally conference,” Jaejoong tells him with mock enthusiasm.
“Invited or forced?” Yunho asks. He sits beside Jaejoong.
Jaejoong sets the folder aside.
“So?” Yunho asks.
“I'm not breaking up with you,” Jaejoong replies. “At least not for a few weeks. I'll see how this goes.”
Yunho looks genuinely relieved.
Jaejoong looks at him a while before going on. “You don't have to assume that I'm always going to be the bad guy,” he says.
“Being uncomfortable with your boyfriend not putting you before everyone else in his life wouldn't make you the bad guy,” Yunho says, taking his hand. “In most circles, it makes me the bad guy. It's expected in our modern society.”
“In our modern society?” Jaejoong parrots. “I don't need a sociology lesson.”
Yunho nods. “Then I won't give you one. I'll just tell you that going into this thing with Changmin was in no way an easy decision on my part. I told him that you would be fine with it right out, but secretly I was almost certain you wouldn't be. I knew that this could potentially end our relationship.”
Jaejoong looks at their hands. “Then why did you agree to it?” he asks.
“Because Changmin is important to me,” Yunho says. “You are, too, don't get me wrong, but if Changmin and I were to continue on without a label, we'd just be tiptoeing around each other, not sure if we could do things like hang out, go places one-on-one, even talk by ourselves without it seeming like we're cheating in some way. I don't want to feel guilty about wanting to spend time with him, so I chose not to feel guilty about it. You have boundaries, and if you wanted to end things because you don't feel comfortable having a partner who's committed to another person in addition to you, that's completely understandable. But you're not the only one in this relationship. I am, too, and I also have boundaries. One is and probably always will be that I don't want to sever this bond that Changmin and I have fed and matured over the years. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get to such a fucked up place with him, and I'm not willing to let that go. Losing you would break my heart, but my feelings also matter. If we weren't compatible on this front, there would be nothing we could do.”
Jaejoong nods along to Yunho's explanation. “Okay,” he says, “I get that. This gives you... a direction to go in with Changmin. But I just want a promise that if anyone's feelings start shifting toward the romantic or the sexual, you'll tell me.”
Yunho hums. “Of course. I also want to promise that I'll do whatever I can to keep my relationship with Changmin separate from my relationship with you, meaning I won't let it interfere with us. That doesn't mean that ours comes first, or that it's secondary. Just whoever I have plans with at the time has my attention. I won't cancel with you because he wants me to and I won't cancel with him because you want me to. When I'm with you, I'm with you. However, I'll need a promise from you that you'll let that happen. Everyone needs to give some breathing room, including me, so our relationship doesn't interfere with mine and Changmin's, either.”
“Yunho,” Jaejoong interrupts, “I promise. We just spent an hour on this.”
Yunho deflates. “Right.”
“Honestly,” Jaejoong says, “I was more upset with how you handled our argument this morning than with the arrangement.”
“Yeah,” Yunho says weakly.
“If this relationship is going to work, you're going to have to stop treating me like a child.” Jaejoong grabs the conference folder and holds it in front of him with both hands. “This I need to be babied on. Us I do not.”
“I'm sorry,” Yunho says.
“You don't have to apologize,” Jaejoong says. “I'm not angry anymore. I just want you to know that that's not okay.”
“I find it difficult to tell the difference between when I'm treating you like an adult and when I'm being an asshole for assuming you understand something that you don't,” Yunho says.
“That's fine,” Jaejoong replies. “Assume all you want. But when I disagree, don't just sweep my feelings under the rug and roll your eyes at me like I'm just being childish.”
Yunho frowns. “How would you like me to handle the situation when you get angry and I have no idea why?”
“Do what adults do to adults that are being irrational,” Jaejoong says. “Tell me to calm my shit so we can discuss it like intelligent human beings.”
Yunho smiles.
Jaejoong smiles back.
“Okay,” Yunho says. “I can try that.”
“Cool,” Jaejoong says. “And I'll continue telling you when you're being an asshole.”
Yunho laughs. “So tell me about this conference.”
“Later.” Jaejoong tosses the folder onto his desk. “Tell me why you were with Heechul.”
Yunho's smile fades. “Oh. That's a long story. Well, so he called me around eight...”
Jaejoong smiles and nods as Yunho relates his day's story, reacting to every amusing and sorrowful moment appropriately, and he feels happy. He has no idea where this will lead, but at the moment, he feels happy. And that's enough for now.
* The moisture in Jaejoong's eyes: I usually let readers take what they will from my writing, but this is something that is misinterpreted by literally everyone-including me-so I'll explain. Some people cry when they get overly excited. Anger, fear, anxiety... I do it, my friends do it. Jaejoong strikes me as someone who would, as well. When he's talking on the phone with Yunho and nearly crying, he's upset and angry. So please don't mistake his tears for heartbreak, because that's not where the tears are coming from.
* Changmin whispering in Yunho's ear: In case it isn't obvious, Changmin is complimenting Yunho on his shirt.
* Wayne and Wally: The book referred to here is Annabel by Kathleen Winter. Beautiful story and writing.
A/N: I have officially sacrificed 2 chapters to the QPR. Ugh. And I want to say something here about Junsu: It might look like he's completely fine with everything now, but he's still in the bargaining stage of his journey. He still has depression before he gets to acceptance. Just in case you didn't have enough to be anxious about in your life. Also, sorry about the cheesy ending, but I had no idea how to end it. Maybe I'll think of something by the time I edit this chapter.
I want to add another thing: Calm down. Your recent comments have given me major anxiety and while I don't want to say something like “get off my lawn,” I want to remind everyone that this is my safe space and I reserve the right to friend-lock this story. I encourage everyone with reservations about the QPR (queerplatonic relationship) to keep reading for a couple chapters to see how this affects the story (and it doesn't; it's mentioned twice more in the entire fic). If it turns out that this fic is no longer your cup of tea, kindly stop reading. However, if I keep getting such angry comments and messages, I'm friend-locking and de-friending any friends who choose to be so blatantly disrespectful. I seriously considered disabling comments on this chap, but I'm giving y'all the benefit of the doubt here and leaving comments open.
I'll listen to opinions on anything else in this chapter, but I wrote the QPR as my own platonic partnership, with how Yunho and Changmin feel for each other as a translation of how I feel for my platonic partner and how she hopefully feels about me. If you attack it, it's too close to home, too personal. Please try to understand.
Pairing: YunJae; YooMin
Length: 8/50
Genre: Romance; Humor; Angst
Warning(s): Homophobia, Cursing, Suicidal thoughts, Drug addiction, HIV mentions, Anxiety disorder, Self harm, Prostitution, Violence, Bashing, Depression
Rating: NC17 / PG15
Disclaimer: Seriously?
Summary: Out of a loop and into the future, how can TVXQ survive a shift in cultures and societal viewpoints as they move back home to brave the uncertain waters that are their Korean careers? Jaejoong can't exactly focus on the bleakness of their work, however, if he is too distracted by the bleakness of their home. Yunho and Changmin, though now separate, find it difficult to distance their bond, Yoochun knows the lack of argument in his and Changmin's relationship is unhealthy, and Jaejoong wonders how he and Yunho will fair the rocky undertones of their dysfunctional relationship. And what of Junsu? What of their families?
00 | 01 | 02 | 03: PG15 / NC17 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07
CHAPTER EIGHT
“Wait... what?” Jaejoong steps off the elevator, pressing his phone firmer against his ear.
“Queerplatonic relationship,” Yunho repeats on the other line. He sounds way too happy to be saying the words. “It's a platonic relationship.”
“Isn't that just friendship?” Jaejoong asks. Changju moves into his line of sight, and Jaejoong raises a hand to still him.
“Well, it's committed,” Yunho says, “and a little more intimate, I think. Changmin can explain it better.”
“No,” Jaejoong says. “Absolutely not.”
“I'm not asking your permission,” Yunho replies
Jaejoong frowns. He lowers his phone, looking at Changju. “I'm sorry, sir, this can't wait.”
Changju nods. “Of course.” He gestures at his door. “Use my office. It'll give you more privacy.”
Jaejoong nods in thanks and hurries into the room, raising his phone again to his ear. “What do you mean you're not asking my permission?” he asks.
“I mean it isn't up to you,” Yunho says. He's infuriatingly calm. “This is between me and Changmin and it's completely separate from what you and I have. I was hoping you'd understand that.”
“Understand what?” Jaejoong asks. He begins pacing in front of Changju's desk. “Exactly how intimate is this supposed to be?”
“Not any more intimate than you and Yoochun are comfortable with,” Yunho says. “The relationship is a go no matter what, but we're still going to respect the boundaries of those involved.”
“But I'm not comfortable with this at all,” Jaejoong says.
“You barely know what it means,” Yunho argues. “So forgive me if I don't take your opinion seriously until you do.”
“It's a relationship,” Jaejoong says.
“Relationship doesn't always mean romantic relationship.” Yunho sighs. “I'm not fighting with you over the phone. Junsu's coming home this afternoon. I want the five of us to sit down and discuss what this means and how everyone will be affected. A mass googling session.”
“If you won't listen to me now, how do you think tonight will go?” Jaejoong asks. “Is my opinion valid or not?”
“Of course it is, Jae-yah,” Yunho says, “but until we're all more knowledgable on the concept, I don't really trust your opinion. Hell, I hardly even trust mine. If after everything is clear you still don't like the idea, then I'll listen. I can't promise that it'll go your way, though.”
Jaejoong stills. His response comes slowly. “You'd choose him over me?” he asks.
He can almost hear the eye-roll Yunho is giving him. “He's not more important to me than you are,” Yunho says levelly. “But you're not more important to me than he is. I love you both equally. In different ways, but equally. I'm not telling you to respect that. I'm just hoping you will.”
Jaejoong can't respond to that. He doesn't have to.
“We'll talk later,” Yunho says. “And no matter how angry you are, show up for the discussion tonight.”
Jaejoong mutters something in affirmation before hanging up the phone. He brings his hands to his face, wipes the moisture from his eyes* just as a light knock sounds on the door. He turns to open it.
“You okay?” Changju asks as he enters.
Jaejoong spots Ahn watching them from her desk.
“Yeah,” he says, forcing a smile. “Just fine.” Just fucking fine.
~
“Is this polyamory?” Yoochun asks as he follows behind Changmin with the shopping cart.
Changmin places a bushel of bananas in the basket. “If you characterize polyamory as having multiple romantic, sexual partners, then no. If you characterize it as having multiple partners that you are committed to but love in separate ways, then yes.”
“I meant the first way,” Yoochun says.
Changmin smiles at him. “Then no.”
Yoochun nods. “And you won't be having sex?”
“No,” Changmin says, turning down the bread aisle. “We know you and Jaejoong-hyung would be uncomfortable with that.”
“Yeah, thanks,” Yoochun says, wheeling the cart forward. He stops it in front of Changmin. “And kissing?”
“It's out if you and Jaejoong say so,” Changmin replies. He drops two loaves of bread beside the bananas. “But we'd like to be able to at least peck.”
“I'm not... against the idea,” Yoochun says.
“Well, you have until tonight to decide what you don't want us doing,” Changmin says with another smile. “I'm just happy that you're taking this so well.”
Yoochun shrugs. “Well, you seem happy about it, and I like you happy. I'm just worried that this might lead you back to the relationship you and Yunho had before. You know, your friends-with-benefits situation. I want you two to be going into this relationship with all the right intentions, no lies or shadiness going on.”
Changmin's smile withers. “While I understand your concern, there's just one point I want to make clear.”
Yoochun nods. “Of course.”
“Call what Yunho and I had friends-with-benefits again,” Changmin says, “and I will break up with you.”
Yoochun swallows. “Um...”
“It may have been rocky and unhealthy,” Changmin tells him softly, mindful of those shopping in the aisles beside theirs, “but it was intimate and very legitimate. I asked him for this shift in our friendship because I miss the intimacy, not so much the physical nature of the relationship. He agreed to this non-romantic, non-sexual relationship, so I assume he feels the same. If you're afraid I'll cheat on you with him, that's separate from that. If Yunho and I were to become sexual again any time in the future, that's separate from that. Our previous relationship changed the way I see him; it doesn't dictate any of my future relationships or any of my personal choices. It happened; it's done. It was a unique experience. Yunho and I could never return to that. Not if we were sexual. Not if we were romantic. It's not something to fear, but it's not something to forget. Do you understand?”
Yoochun doubts he has a choice in understanding. After a moment, he says, “I'm sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” Changmin says, turning away.
Yoochun hurries after him with the cart in tow.
~
“I leave for three days,” Junsu mutters as he exits his brother's house, reading Yunho's email from his phone.
“Drama?” Junho asks from behind him.
“Someone's bound to make it dramatic,” Junsu says. He takes his bag from his brother. “Thanks for letting me stay here. I needed it.”
“As if I'd kick you out,” Junho replies with a snort. “I just wish you'd tell me what's going on over there.”
Junsu smiles apologetically. “I'm afraid that's confidential.”
“Uh huh.” Junho opens the trunk of Junsu's car.
Junsu throws the bag inside.
“At least you got to eat,” Junho says. “You were fucking skinny.”
“It's the diet,” Junsu says for the fourth time. “And I've been working out.”
Junho grabs Junsu's arm and squeezes. “Then why are you losing muscle?” he asks.
Junsu grimaces when he's released. All amusement is gone from between them.
Junho rolls his eyes and hugs him. Junsu hugs back.
“Just stay grounded, okay?” Junho asks.
Junsu nods. “I'll try,” he mumbles into Junho's shoulder. “I promise.”
~
“He's not as good of a leader as you, I'd say,” Changju says as he rifles through his file cabinet, “but he has his good points.”
Jaejoong nods, raising his water glass to his lips. He mentally thumbs over his history as JYJ's leader and Yunho's as TVXQ's and he concludes that Yunho is correct: Changju does have a crush on him.
“But unlike your Japanese manager,” Changju continues, “I'm not going to continue to treat you as the leader when you're not.” He finds the folder he's searching for and rolls his chair back behind his desk. “I was wondering if you'd like to do a solo gig,” he says.
“You mean like a performance?” Jaejoong asks.
“No. Yunho would kill me if I asked you something like that without discussing it first with him.” Changju hands him the folder. “I want you to attend an Ally conference.”
Jaejoong sets down his glass and opens the folder. “By myself?” he asks.
“You get a plus one,” Changju says, “but essentially yes. None of the other band members are to accompany you.”
“Not even Yunho?” Jaejoong asks.
“Not even Yunho,” Changju replies.
“I'm not sure about this.” Jaejoong leafs through the pages in front of him. Invitation, dress code, conference pass... “I'm horrible at public speaking,” he says. “I say things I'm not supposed to, I stutter, I have absolutely no filter...” Jesus, just because he's working on it doesn't mean he's cured.
“It's more of a panel than an individual press conference,” Changju says. “And I trust Yunho to give you pointers on what not to say.”
“Why me?” Jaejoong asks.
“Because you're the only real ally among the five of you,” Changju replies. He pulls a debut photo of TVXQ from a file already resting on his desk, and Jaejoong looks at it reluctantly.
“Yunho and Changmin are gay,” Changju says, crossing out the two with a penned X. “They could be considered allies-they're role models, and with Ahn's help they'll soon be beacons of hope for millions of closeted Koreans-but the definition of ally we're looking for here is a straight person who supports the community.
“Yoochun is involved with Changmin in some fashion. So he's out, too.” He crosses out Yoochun's image.
“That leaves you and Junsu. We don't even need to discuss why Junsu isn't considered supportive.”
Jaejoong cringes as Junsu's image is marked through and his own is left unmarred at the photo's center.
“And that leaves you.” Changju drops his pen. “Now, whether you're straight or not, I don't care, and I'd prefer if you kept it to yourself if you aren't. But one of you has to go.”
Jaejoong tears his eyes away from himself. “Can I discuss it with Yunho first?” he asks quietly.
“No.” Changju leans forward. “Will you do it?”
Jaejoong sighs inwardly. “Yes.”
“Good!” Changju rises from his seat. “I'm late for a meeting, but you can stay as long as you'd like. Take the folder with you when you go. Oh!” He pauses in the doorway. “Do you have an idea for your date?”
It's already been established that Yunho isn't an option. Jaejoong shakes his head.
“Ah.” Changju leans out of the office. “Ahn! Come here a moment!”
Jaejoong rises immediately. “Wait, sir, I don't know about-”
Ahn appears in the doorway. “Yes, sir?”
Changju eases her inside with a hand on the small of her back. “How would you like to attend a formal conference?” he asks.
Ahn's eyes narrow suspiciously. “With whom?” Her eyes fall on Jaejoong.
Jaejoong freezes under her stare.
“Oh, no,” she says. “I don't get paid enough for this.”
Jaejoong frowns at the insult.
“He doesn't have anyone else to take,” Changju argues gently.
“There's probably a reason for that,” Ahn says.
Jaejoong flushes. “If you have a problem with me-”
“I am really late,” Changju says, speaking over the both of them. “So can I at least get an answer as to whether you're going together or not?”
Jaejoong quirks an eyebrow at Ahn.
Ahn crosses her arms. “Fine.”
“Great,” Changju says, grabbing the knob of the open door. “I leave you kids to settle your differences.”
With that, he closes the door, and Jaejoong and Ahn are swallowed in silence.
~
“So he said yes?” Yunho asks. He nods in thanks as the bartender sets his glass of scotch on a napkin.
Heechul throws back another shot of tequila before answering. “I don't know. It was more of a maybe.”
“What were Hangeng's precise words?” Yunho asks gently, placing a hand on Heechul's shoulder.
Heechul sighs. “`We'll discuss this in person next weekend. I have a few days off.'” He signals for the bartender to pour him another. “I'm so nervous I could puke. I have puked.”
“He's flying over from China on his own holiday,” Yunho says. “I'd say that's a good sign.”
“I'm not ready to see him,” Heechul says.
Yunho smiles. “I doubt anything bad will come out of this.”
“`We'll discuss this in person,'” Heechul repeats. “Completely neutral language there. No sign that he wants a relationship.”
“It's still no sign that he doesn't,” Yunho says, leaning closer. He sips at his scotch before adding, “And relationships are full of neutral language.”
Heechul empties his glass again. He looks thoughtfully at Yunho a moment before resting his head on Yunho's shoulder. “Can I ask you something?” he asks.
“I told the bartender that you just broke up with a girl and you need to get over it,” Yunho replies. “He's seen you in here before so he shouldn't read into us being all touchy. You're touchy with everyone.”
“No, that's not it,” Heechul says. “But thank you. What I want to ask is: Have you ever confessed to a guy who you were almost completely sure was straight?”
Yunho frowns. He didn't confess to Jaejoong until he was reasonably sure his feelings were returned. The same was true for all his exes. “The only one I can think of is Seokjin,” he says after a moment, and his heart aches briefly. “My first love.”
“What did he say?” Heechul asks.
Yunho ponders the memory. “He had sex with me.”
Heechul scoffs and shoves off of Yunho's side. “That's disgusting. Why do I ask you anything?”
Yunho smiles apologetically when someone clears their throat from behind them.
It's Boa. She hops onto the stool on Yunho's other side and kisses him on the cheek.
Heechul whines at the sight of her and swallows another shot.
Boa frowns at him. “Girl problems?” she asks Yunho.
Yunho nods.
“He's been complaining about them all week.” Boa rifles through her purse. “Scotch on the rocks,” she tells the bartender.
“What kind?” he asks.
She nods at Yunho's glass. “His kind.”
The bartender nods and takes down a glass.
“So,” Yunho says, throwing an arm around Boa's shoulders. “What are your troubles?”
Boa looks at him. “I don't have any. You do.”
Yunho winces and removes his arm.
“You know what I'm here about,” Boa says.
“Oh,” Yunho says sardonically, “could it be about seeing the lot of Super Junior?”
“Fate worse than death,” Heechul mutters into his drink.
“It's your band,” Boa reminds him, then tells Yunho, “It would do your relationship with them some good.”
“I told you,” Yunho says, “your problem isn't with me. It's Changmin who would rather poke out his eye and hand it to you.”
“Gross,” Boa says. “Can't you talk to him?”
“No,” Yunho says.
Boa glares at him.
Yunho sighs. “Look, you weren't there-”
“He didn't mean what he said,” Boa says over him.
Heechul snorts. He leans forward to look past Yunho at Boa. “To hell he didn't,” he says. “That shit doesn't just fall out of someone's mouth at random.”
Yunho grimaces. He rubs Heechul's back in an attempt to calm him.
Boa ignores Heechul. “He's sorry,” she says to Yunho. “He really is.”
“Then why isn't he the one apologizing to us?” Yunho asks.
“Because he's embarrassed,” Boa says.
“Because he isn't sorry,” Heechul cuts back in. His shot glass is near breaking in his grasp. “And if you knew what he said word for word you wouldn't be so quick to defend him.”
“Heechul, please,” Boa says, “you're drunk.” She looks at Yunho. “Leeteuk is stubborn. You know that.”
“So is Changmin,” Yunho says. “As is Heechul.” He shakes his head when the bartender comes over to pour Heechul another shot and the man gets the hint, putting away the tequila. “If Leeteuk wants Changmin's forgiveness, he's going to have to apologize to him personally,” Yunho says to Boa, “and even then Changmin might not forgive him.”
“I wouldn't,” Heechul says.
“Heechul.” Boa is close to shouting. “Stay out of this.”
It's the last straw; the glass shatters in Heechul's hand.
~
Jaejoong mirrors Ahn's pose, crossed arms and all. “Is there a problem?” he asks.
Ahn sighs. “No. I just don't want to be responsible for you.” She uncrosses her arms. “Or any of your bandmates, for that matter.”
Jaejoong tilts his head. “Is that a homophobic sentiment?” he asks.
Ahn's eyes widen. “No.” She crosses the room and slides behind Changju's desk. She retrieves the file from which Changju pulled the photo. “Here,” she says, handing Jaejoong a stack of newspaper and magazine clippings.
Jaejoong sits back down in front of the desk, glancing over the headlines. His heart sinks. “Oh,” he says.
Ahn nods, sitting in Changju's chair. “I don't think you realize how incredible it is that you are even still relevant.”
“And you don't want to be associated with us...” Jaejoong pauses at the article about his one-night-stand with Kairi. He skims it and grimaces at its harshness. So that's why Yunho was so upset, he thinks.
“I'm forced to associate with all of our clients,” Ahn says, “so not exactly. I just don't want to make worse an already delicate situation. You're in the spotlight right now. Yunho and Changmin are single, and you've already been written up in the paper as homophobic and sleeping with a random girl to prove your heterosexuality. If we go to this conference together, there will be questions.”
“So... do I go alone?” Jaejoong asks.
“Well, no,” Ahn says. “It would probably be better for the headlines, but are you really comfortable with speaking to a crowd about LGBTQA issues?”
Jaejoong shakes his head.
“Yunho told me that you're trying to train yourself out of certain habits,” Ahn says.
Jaejoong meets her gaze. “How much did he tell you about that?” he asks.
“Just that,” Ahn says, “and that we should continue treating you with kid gloves until you explicitly say not to.”
Jaejoong relaxes. “Smart.”
“So you need an escort,” Ahn says.
“And you and Yunho are really the two best choices,” Jaejoong says, returning his attention to the news clippings.
“I guess,” Ahn says.
“You two are really similar,” Jaejoong continues absently.
Ahn doesn't seem convinced. If anything, she looks mortified. “Uh huh.” She tilts her head. “Are you a masochist, by any chance?” she asks.
Jaejoong's eyes snap up to meet hers, his cheeks burning. “What?”
Ahn rolls her eyes. “Don't be gross. I'm talking about the clippings.”
“Oh.” Jaejoong looks at them. “I just haven't read any of the articles.”
“That's sixty percent of Yunho's job,” Ahn says, leaning forward. “And zero percent of yours. Here.” She takes them from him and hands back the last few. “These are more recent. They're less critical.”
Jaejoong smiles. “Thank you. Can I keep them?”
“No.” Ahn frowns. “I could make copies, if you'd like.”
“No, that's fine,” Jaejoong says, embarrassed. What little this woman has in common with Yunho is throwing him off. “So have we decided on the conference?”
“I already promised Changju I'd go,” Ahn says, leaning back in the chair. “But we need a game plan.”
Jaejoong nods. “I don't think I'd be much help with that.”
“No,” Ahn agrees, “I think I'll have to swallow my pride and work with Yunho on this one.”
Jaejoong's brow furrows. He wonders what she means, but he doesn't pry. “I'll just go, then,” he says. “I have some errands to run before I get home.”
Ahn doesn't rise with him. She watches as he drops the clippings on the desk.
Jaejoong hesitates before picking up the marked photo of TVXQ. He slips it and the conference folder into his bag.
Ahn drums her fingers on the armrest of Changju's chair. “Start thinking about what you'd like to wear. I'll come by tomorrow afternoon and we can go shopping.”
Jaejoong smiles. “Sounds good. I'll let Yunho know.”
“You do that,” Ahn says.
Jaejoong moves for the door.
“I'll make copies,” Ahn says, stopping him. “Of the clippings. I'll keep them on file for when you come next.”
Jaejoong nods. “Thank you.”
They part with a wave each.
~
“Where is Yunho?” Yoochun asks, closing the door.
“Out, I guess,” Changmin replies. He carries the bags of groceries into the kitchen.
“He'll be home for the discussion, won't he?” Yoochun asks, shuffling in after him.
“I'm assuming,” Changmin says. He begins unloading the groceries.
Yoochun moves to help.
“How do you think Jaejoong is taking Yunho's and my decision?” Changmin asks, head in the fridge.
Yoochun shrugs. “My guess is: not well, but he may surprise us. He's trying to change his character, so...”
Changmin sighs as he opens another bag.
“Problem?” Yoochun asks.
“I just want everyone to take it well,” Changmin says quietly.
“In time, baby,” Yoochun says, touching Changmin's shoulder. He steps toward the pantry.
“You're not threatened by it, are you?” Changmin asks.
Yoochun pauses before placing the sugar and coffee creamer on the shelf. “I guess. If I were being honest.”
Changmin looks at him. “You didn't mention that earlier.”
“I'm being supportive,” Yoochun says. He closes the pantry and places his hands on Changmin's shoulders. “I'm sure once all of our questions are answered and everyone's boundaries are out on the table we'll be a lot more comfortable with the arrangement.”
Changmin grimaces. “You should feel comfortable with showing me your emotions.”
Yoochun shrugs. “We started dating yesterday. If this came about when we'd been together for a few months, then I might be more upset. I like that this happened now. I can get used to it while getting used to you. Like an aspect of our relationship that will always be there.”
“Another man?” Changmin asks skeptically.
“With whom you are neither romantic nor sexual,” Yoochun points out. “I won't say that I'm completely comfortable, but it's also not really my business. Not when you're already respecting my boundaries by not being too intimate with him.”
Changmin nods, turning back to the groceries.
Yoochun watches him. “You know, it goes both ways. The emotions thing.”
Changmin quirks an eyebrow at him.
“You should feel comfortable,” Yoochun clarifies. “With showing me your emotions.”
Changmin looks confused. “What are you talking about?”
Yoochun sighs. “Nothing. Never mind.” He also returns to the groceries.
There's a tingling of keys, then the sound of the front door opening, and then Junsu's voice calls, “Hey!”
“In here,” Changmin calls back.
Junsu enters the kitchen. “Hey.” He hugs Changmin, then Yoochun. “Been a while.”
“It has,” Changmin agrees. “How was your vacation?”
“Great, thank you,” Junsu says.
“And how's your brother?” Yoochun asks.
“Still my knight in shining armor,” Junsu says, smiling. “And speaking of-” He looks at Changmin. “-I hear that you have two knights now?
Changmin blushes. “Yeah. Yoochun and I are dating.”
“Since yesterday,” Yoochun adds.
Junsu smiles. “That was bound to happen eventually,” he says.
“And he's friend-dating Yunho-hyung,” Yoochun says. “Yunho wants us all to sit down and talk about it when he and Jaejoong get back.”
Changmin nods. “Yeah, Junsu-hyung, about that-I have a feeling Jaejoong is going to be really upset, so in case we're only answering his questions instead of yours and Yoochun's, I want to explain things a little beforehand.”
“You don't have to explain it to me,” Junsu says.
“Hyung, just let me.” Changmin clears his throat. “This doesn't mean that Yunho and I are getting back together or that we'll be having sex-”
“Changmin-ah,” Junsu says, “you don't have to do that. Yunho explained everything in his email.”
Changmin blinks. “And you get it?” he asks.
Junsu laughs. “I have a twin. Of course I get it.” He moves to fix himself a cup of coffee.
Yoochun hands him a mug. He smiles at Changmin, who still looks confused. “There's an old Japanese fable,” Yoochun says, “that twins are star-crossed lovers who committed suicide together in a past life.”
Junsu nods. “And where was it that we read that soul mates don't always come to us as lovers, but in friendship, too?”
Changmin finally smiles. “Junsu-hyung, I love you.”
“Careful,” Junsu says. “You don't need three boyfriends.”
Changmin and Yoochun laugh.
~
Yunho slides off his stool and encloses Heechul's hand in the hem of his shirt. Boa joins them at Heechul's other side. The bartender replaces Yunho's shirt with a clean rag, and in the exchange they see the damage done to Heechul's skin. Shards of glass have imbedded themselves into dozens of small cuts across his palm. The injury is superficial, but the blood is no less shocking. Heechul looks stunned most of all.
Boa calls him a ride. Leeteuk shows up.
Yunho's heart bleeds at the sight of Heechul climbing into the passenger seat of Leeteuk's car, but he betrays nothing in his expression. Boa is beside him, and she doesn't know Heechul's secret.
“That was scary,” Boa says. She's offered to walk him home.
Yunho turns toward the apartment building.
“I wonder what got into him,” Boa continues, walking at his side.
Yunho plays dumb. “Maybe he hasn't forgiven Leeteuk for what he said, either,” he says.
“He didn't say it to him, though,” Boa says.
Yunho shrugs. “You don't have to be gay to find homophobia unforgivable,” he explains. “Jaejoong is straight and he'd break anyone's nose for saying something so hurtful.”
Boa is quiet a moment, then asks, “What did he say?”
Yunho doesn't reply.
“I mean, I know what he said. Vaguely.” Boa fidgets with the strap of her purse. “He said he told you something homophobic and he probably shouldn't have. He regrets it. He was drunk.”
“But that makes it worse,” Yunho says. “He's not a mean drunk, you know that. He's an honest drunk. So that makes it worse.”
“So tell me what he said,” Boa says, glancing at him. “Verbatim.”
Yunho shakes his head. “It's not important.”
“I want to know,” Boa says. “I want to know whose side I'm on.”
“Then don't pick sides,” Yunho says.
“Yunho...” Boa admonishes.
They reach Yunho's building, but Boa's cab has yet to arrive, so he waits with her. “It's not something that should be repeated,” he tells her. “I'm not going to to spread that around.”
Boa sighs. “So what do we do about it?” she asks.
“We aren't going to do anything,” Yunho says.
Boa nods. “I get it. I won't ask you to see him anymore.”
“Thank you,” Yunho says, smiling.
Boa's cab arrives, then, and Yunho opens the door for her.
Boa kisses him on the cheek. “See you around,” she says.
“You'll text me,” he replies.
Boa rolls her eyes and steps into the cab.
Yunho sees her off before heading into the building. He lets his mind wander back to that night five months ago. He and Changmin sat together on the love seat, hands clenched as Leeteuk stood over them reeking of alcohol. He had only arrived at the party once he'd had a few drinks elsewhere, Yunho remembers, and that was hours before the fateful outburst.
Yunho doesn't dwell on the effect Leeteuk's anger had on him or his ex, however; he thinks of Heechul standing at the snack table, growing smaller and smaller with every degrading word Leeteuk threw at the couple.
How painful that must have been. To have your leader insult and delegitimize every part of your being. And it is every part of Heechul's being. His homosexuality is his only secret, the only part of himself that he loathes. Yunho hopes that by confessing to Hangeng, Heechul is moving toward a kind of peace.
Yunho can't say much for peace, though. His homosexuality is what he hates most, as well.
It's with that thought that he reaches the apartment, and he lets himself in, locking that blaring truth in the back of his mind where it belongs.
Changmin pokes his head out of the kitchen. “Hey.”
Yunho smiles at him. “Hey.”
“Jaejoong-hyung isn't with you?” Changmin asks.
“He had a meeting with Changju,” Yunho says. He toes out of his shoes. “He's not happy.”
“I assumed he wouldn't be,” Changmin says. He frowns. “Do you think he'll want us to just be friends?”
“I told him that after we talk we'll all be more informed,” Yunho says. “I think everyone needs to calm down until then.”
“Right,” Changmin says. “Sorry.”
Yunho shrugs.
“I just worry,” Changmin says. “What if he's completely against it?”
“Then we'll talk about it,” Yunho says. “Like I said, calm down.”
“Who needs to calm down?” Yoochun asks, stepping out of the kitchen. Junsu follows close behind.
Yunho moves forward to give Junsu a hug. “Everyone,” he replies over Junsu's shoulder. “Jaejoong is confused and pissed to high hell and Changmin thinks he'll reject him.”
Yoochun grimaces. “Yeah. Jaejoong can be hard headed.”
“There's still a chance he won't accept the idea even after he calms down,” Changmin says. “I don't want to make him feel threatened.”
“We'll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Yoochun says.
Junsu nods. “He may get it, anyway.”
“Even if he doesn't,” Yunho says, “I don't want anyone blaming themselves for any problems that may arise.”
Yoochun looks at him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean I don't want any of the three of you butting in if Jaejoong and I fight or-God forbid-break up.”
Changmin stares at him. “I don't want you breaking up over me.”
“Excuse you,” Yunho says, giving him a pointed look. “A bit full of ourselves today, are we?”
Changmin's face falls. “Excuse you. Who do you think Jaejoong's going to get angry at?”
“Jaejoong is stubborn,” Yunho says, “but not petty. If we break up tonight, it has nothing to do with you. Jaejoong's anger is one hundred percent directed at me.”
“But-”
The door slams. All four of them stare as Jaejoong pulls off his shoes.
“I'm not breaking up with anyone,” he mutters, glaring at Yunho.
~
Immediately, the other three turn and return to the kitchen, leaving the couple to themselves.
Yunho remains where he is. “I'm sorry about today,” he says. “Heechul was with me when I called and he said I sounded like a douche. That wasn't my intention.”
Jaejoong sighs as he hangs his bag on the hall tree. “You always sound like a douche when we fight, so I'm used to it.”
Yunho smiles sheepishly. “We do have awful fights, don't we?”
Jaejoong doesn't return the smile. He crosses his arms. “I just want to make it known that my feelings are valid and I have a say in this relationship.”
“Yes,” Yunho agrees.
“And when I have an opinion,” Jaejoong continues, “no matter how misguided it may be, I expect it to be respected.”
Yunho nods. “Yes,” he repeats. “I'll do my best to get better. I'm used to talking to you as your leader, not as your boyfriend. The shift is a little greater than I expected.”
“Is that your excuse?” Jaejoong asks calmly.
“No,” Yunho says. “I'll give you reasons for my actions, but that doesn't mean I expect you to excuse them. It's your choice whether you forgive me or not. Our relationship is going to change a lot of things, Jaejoong-ah, and one of them is that you're going to see the worst in me. I hope you'll forgive me for that and see me through it, but I don't demand it. I'll never demand anything of you.”
Jaejoong sighs and lowers his gaze. “What's this talk of us breaking up, then?” he asks.
“I have no intention of breaking up with you,” Yunho says. “You might want to break up with me after the discussion, though.”
“Because of this thing with Changmin,” Jaejoong says, glancing into the kitchen.
“Yeah,” Yunho says, rubbing his neck. “I won't go into details since we're about to start talking about it anyway. But if after the discussion you don't feel comfortable in this type of situation, there's not really much we can do. Your boundaries are your boundaries.”
“So you won't compromise on this?” Jaejoong asks.
“We'll compromise to a point,” Yunho says, “like with how intimate we are or whether we can go out on friend-dates or whatever, but whether Changmin and I are Super Friends or just best friends, I don't think anything would really change. I'll always be fond of him, Jaejoong, and I'm not willing to cut him out of my life. That's not a compromise, in my opinion.”
Jaejoong nods thoughtfully.
“But let's talk later,” Yunho says. Yoochun, Changmin, and Junsu have migrated to the living room, and Yunho takes Jaejoong's hand. “Let's just discuss for now.”
When they enter the living room, Jaejoong is taken aside again, but this time by Yoochun. Yunho releases his hand and sits beside Changmin on the sofa. They don't even look at each other, just silently pick at the bowls of snacks laid out across the coffee table. Junsu adds another to the assortment before sitting in one of the armchairs.
“What is it?” Jaejoong asks Yoochun.
“Yunho told us not to meddle,” Yoochun says quietly. “But have you calmed down?”
“A little,” Jaejoong says. “Still not sure how I feel about this, though.”
“It's not cheating,” Yoochun says.
“Depends on how you define cheating,” Jaejoong counters. “You're sure taking this well.”
Yoochun shrugs. “I'd rather they have a relationship with clearly defined boundaries than just go around not sure if how they're acting or feeling is disloyal to us. And I don't want Changmin hiding stuff like this from me. I want him to be completely honest.”
“But you don't come first for him,” Jaejoong points out.
“Neither does Yunho-hyung,” Yoochun says. “We're both his first priority.”
“So you're sharing,” Jaejoong translates.
“Hyung,” Yoochun say, frowning. “It's not like they're having sex and making out. They just want time together. Look at them.” He points at Changmin leaning in to whisper in Yunho's ear; Yunho proceeds to nod and explain the details on the shirt he's wearing*. “They just love each other. Not in the way that they love us, with the romance and the sex. They don't need that. That's okay with me. As long as they don't cross that line, I respect them and trust them to keep their promises. Even Yunho with that libido of his.”
Jaejoong tries not to smile at that.
“I'm only saying this because I like how happy you are with Yunho,” Yoochun says. “I don't think you want to break up with him before you even know how this will affect your relationship, if it does at all.”
Jaejoong nods. “Let's sit down,” he says. “I think we're getting ahead of ourselves here.”
Yoochun nods, face brightening. He takes the second armchair. Jaejoong moves for the sofa.
Yunho smiles shyly up at him. “Which side?” he asks.
Even before Jaejoong replies, Changmin is making room for him to sit in between them. Jaejoong smiles at him stiffly before instead nudging Yunho to sit in the space Changmin has cleared. He sits on Yunho's other side.
Still, Changmin is squished, and he moves to the floor, where he opens his laptop. “So,” he says, stealing something from a bowl, “what's the first question?”
“Why am I here?” Junsu asks before either Yoochun or Jaejoong can open their mouths.
“Because you live here and we love you,” Yunho replies.
“It doesn't concern me,” Junsu says. “Of all your relationships, this has to be the one I'm most comfortable with.”
“Do you have any boundaries?” Changmin asks. “This is your home, too.”
Junsu shakes his head. “As long as the lot of you aren't having orgies while I'm home-”
Yoochun nearly chokes on an M'n'M. He coughs violently when he recovers.
“No one is having orgies with anyone,” Yunho says loudly.
“I think sex is something we should discuss, though,” Jaejoong says.
Yoochun nods.
“We won't be having sex,” Changmin says.
“You say that,” Jaejoong says, “but do you want to have sex?”
Changmin grimaces; Yunho wiggles his hand in a noncommittal motion.
“That's not an answer,” Jaejoong says, picking a snack from the assortment.
“It's not a want want,” Yunho says. He taps Changmin's shoulder. “You can explain it better.”
Changmin throws him an annoyed look. “It's more of an intimacy thing,” he explains. “Not so much sexual attraction. The closeness would be nice, but we don't need it. At least that's how I feel.”
“Me, too,” Yunho says with a nod. He looks at Jaejoong. “It's not that I want him like I want you. Just something that would be cool, but nothing that's going to be a problem. Like a nice lamp in an already well-lit room. It's nice but not necessary.”
Jaejoong nods, relaxing. “As long as I don't have to worry about you getting drunk and tearing each other's-”
“Wait a minute, hyung,” Changmin says to Jaejoong, then glares at Yunho. “Did you just compare sex with me to a lamp?”
Yunho coughs. “Well...”
Yoochun tsks. “Hesitating...”
“You're an asshole,” Changmin says to Yunho.
“Something we can agree on,” Jaejoong says, clinking his coffee mug with Changmin's.
“Anyway,” Yunho says, waving dismissively, “does anyone consider that cheating?”
“I do,” Junsu pipes in. “But I'm not sure if my opinion counts in this area.”
Yunho looks at him helplessly.
“I don't consider thinking cheating,” Jaejoong says, smirking at Junsu. “I think about having sex with a lot of people, but that doesn't mean I intend on acting on any of those urges. As long as y'all keep your dicks to yourselves.”
Junsu sighs. “Can we please use PG-13 language while the straight guy is in the room?”
Yunho nods. “Let's all be respectful with our language, guys,” he says.
Yoochun seems to be hesitating. “... I consider thinking cheating,” he says finally.
Changmin looks at him.
“But I don't take what you just described as cheating,” Yoochun continues. “It's not that you have a strong urge to have sex with each other. I can trust you to hang out alone and not lose your control because there isn't anything to control.”
Changmin smiles and takes his hand. “Thank you,” he says.
Yoochun smiles back. He looks at Jaejoong. “We do need to talk about kissing, though.”
“You want to kiss?” Jaejoong asks Yunho.
“Intimacy,” Yunho says. “Just pecking.”
“No,” Jaejoong says. He sips at his coffee. “If there's any mouth to mouth going on one of you better be dying.”
Yunho and Changmin exchange glances.
Yunho sets his mug on the coffee table. “Then we have to confess something.”
Jaejoong stands up. “You already kissed, didn't you,” he says with a sigh.
“It was a peck,” Yunho explains. He remains seated, though he fidgets. “After we decided on this thing.”
“Our emotions got the better of us,” Changmin says.
“No, don't explain it,” Jaejoong says, stepping around the coffee table.
“Hyung,” Yoochun says.
“No,” Jaejoong says. He begins to pace in front of the television. “Let me walk it off.”
“Jaejoong-ah,” Yunho says, “if you consider this cheating, you can be mad about it all you want.”
“Yunho, thank you, but I'm a grown-ass man,” Jaejoong says mid-pace, looking at the wall ahead of him. “I think I can decide when I need to be angry and when I need to calm down.”
Yunho nods and closes his mouth.
“It wasn't about attraction, hyung,” Changmin says quietly. “It was just triumphant. Like soccer players winning a match.”
“Babe,” Yoochun says, squeezing his hand, “I don't think he wants to hear from you.”
“I'm not mad at Changmin,” Jaejoong says. “I'm hardly even mad at Yunho.” It's a stale kind of anger; angry it happened, is all.
Junsu speaks up again once everyone's been silent for half a minute. “Why all the analogies?” he asks no one is particular. “The lamp, the soccer players.”
“Because Yoochun and I have no idea what they're talking about,” Jaejoong says. He sighs again, turns toward toward the couch. “Okay,” he says. “I've decided. Before, I was mad because I didn't get it. I still don't, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.”
“About?” Yunho asks.
“That what you're saying is true,” Jaejoong says. “Just because I haven't experienced something like this doesn't mean it doesn't exist.”
“Thank you,” Yunho says.
Changmin nods emphatically.
Jaejoong merely sits back down and takes Yunho's hand into his own. “No handholding,” he says after a moment.
“Check,” Yunho says, leaning into him.
“No kisses on the cheek,” Yoochun says.
“Okay,” Changmin says.
“No bathing or sleeping together,” Jaejoong says.
“Why the hell would we bathe together?” Changmin asks, wrinkling his nose.
“I don't know,” Jaejoong says. The last of his anger dissipates, and he blushes. “I used to do that with my friends when we were younger.”
“Exactly how young?” Yunho asks.
Jaejoong blushes harder. “Well, what other things are common in these... Super Friendships?” he asks.
“Don't avoid the question,” Yunho says, smirking now. “Was this before or after puberty?”
“Super Friendships?” Changmin asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Yunho's words,” Jaejoong says, still red-faced, “not mine.”
“Less of a mouthful,” Yunho says when Changmin looks at him. “But no seriously,” he says to Jaejoong. “How old were these other boys?”
“Could you let it go?” Jaejoong asks.
“If you two are going to flirt, go away,” Changmin says. He opens the browser on his laptop. “I'll find a relationship checklist that we can go through.”
“I'm not flirting,” Jaejoong says. “He's just trying to rile me up.”
“And it's not working at all,” Yoochun replies sarcastically. He looks over Changmin's shoulder. “You should probably also look up some couples in media that can be interpreted as queerplatonic.”
“Good idea,” Changmin says.
“I can think of a few off the top of my head,” Junsu supplies. “Sherlock and Watson.”
“Frasier and Niles,” Yunho adds. “They were brothers, though.”
“So are me and Junho,” Junsu says. He pauses, then says, “Will and Grace.”
“Wayne and Wally in that book you were reading yesterday,” Yoochun says to Changmin*.
Jaejoong smiles as they continue naming dynamic duos. He rests his chin on Yunho's shoulder.
An hour later, the discussion is over. Junsu is helping Changmin clear the coffee table and Yoochun is using Changmin's computer for something of his own.
Jaejoong leans in to whisper in Yunho's ear. “I'm going to my room for a bit. Have to do something.”
Yunho nods. “I'll be in after you in a few.”
Jaejoong leaves him and heads down the hall. He grabs his bag from the hall tree before moving for his room. There, he empties its contents onto his bed. He takes the debut photo from the pile first and studies it a moment before clipping it over his desk. He then picks up the conference folder and sits on the edge of his bed.
Super Friendships and interpersonal relationships aside, this is what deserves Jaejoong's full attention at the moment. He flips through the paperwork.
How in god's name is he going to pull this off, he wonders. Even with Ahn at his side, he's going to make a fool of himself. Especially with Ahn at his side; the reporters are going to have a field day.
He recalls Ahn's request that he give his attire some thought and he pulls the dress code sheet to the front of the stack. Black tie. He sighs.
A knock sounds on the door.
“Come in,” he says.
Yunho steps inside and closes the door behind him. “What's that?” he asks, nodding at the folder.
“I have been invited to attend an Ally conference,” Jaejoong tells him with mock enthusiasm.
“Invited or forced?” Yunho asks. He sits beside Jaejoong.
Jaejoong sets the folder aside.
“So?” Yunho asks.
“I'm not breaking up with you,” Jaejoong replies. “At least not for a few weeks. I'll see how this goes.”
Yunho looks genuinely relieved.
Jaejoong looks at him a while before going on. “You don't have to assume that I'm always going to be the bad guy,” he says.
“Being uncomfortable with your boyfriend not putting you before everyone else in his life wouldn't make you the bad guy,” Yunho says, taking his hand. “In most circles, it makes me the bad guy. It's expected in our modern society.”
“In our modern society?” Jaejoong parrots. “I don't need a sociology lesson.”
Yunho nods. “Then I won't give you one. I'll just tell you that going into this thing with Changmin was in no way an easy decision on my part. I told him that you would be fine with it right out, but secretly I was almost certain you wouldn't be. I knew that this could potentially end our relationship.”
Jaejoong looks at their hands. “Then why did you agree to it?” he asks.
“Because Changmin is important to me,” Yunho says. “You are, too, don't get me wrong, but if Changmin and I were to continue on without a label, we'd just be tiptoeing around each other, not sure if we could do things like hang out, go places one-on-one, even talk by ourselves without it seeming like we're cheating in some way. I don't want to feel guilty about wanting to spend time with him, so I chose not to feel guilty about it. You have boundaries, and if you wanted to end things because you don't feel comfortable having a partner who's committed to another person in addition to you, that's completely understandable. But you're not the only one in this relationship. I am, too, and I also have boundaries. One is and probably always will be that I don't want to sever this bond that Changmin and I have fed and matured over the years. It took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get to such a fucked up place with him, and I'm not willing to let that go. Losing you would break my heart, but my feelings also matter. If we weren't compatible on this front, there would be nothing we could do.”
Jaejoong nods along to Yunho's explanation. “Okay,” he says, “I get that. This gives you... a direction to go in with Changmin. But I just want a promise that if anyone's feelings start shifting toward the romantic or the sexual, you'll tell me.”
Yunho hums. “Of course. I also want to promise that I'll do whatever I can to keep my relationship with Changmin separate from my relationship with you, meaning I won't let it interfere with us. That doesn't mean that ours comes first, or that it's secondary. Just whoever I have plans with at the time has my attention. I won't cancel with you because he wants me to and I won't cancel with him because you want me to. When I'm with you, I'm with you. However, I'll need a promise from you that you'll let that happen. Everyone needs to give some breathing room, including me, so our relationship doesn't interfere with mine and Changmin's, either.”
“Yunho,” Jaejoong interrupts, “I promise. We just spent an hour on this.”
Yunho deflates. “Right.”
“Honestly,” Jaejoong says, “I was more upset with how you handled our argument this morning than with the arrangement.”
“Yeah,” Yunho says weakly.
“If this relationship is going to work, you're going to have to stop treating me like a child.” Jaejoong grabs the conference folder and holds it in front of him with both hands. “This I need to be babied on. Us I do not.”
“I'm sorry,” Yunho says.
“You don't have to apologize,” Jaejoong says. “I'm not angry anymore. I just want you to know that that's not okay.”
“I find it difficult to tell the difference between when I'm treating you like an adult and when I'm being an asshole for assuming you understand something that you don't,” Yunho says.
“That's fine,” Jaejoong replies. “Assume all you want. But when I disagree, don't just sweep my feelings under the rug and roll your eyes at me like I'm just being childish.”
Yunho frowns. “How would you like me to handle the situation when you get angry and I have no idea why?”
“Do what adults do to adults that are being irrational,” Jaejoong says. “Tell me to calm my shit so we can discuss it like intelligent human beings.”
Yunho smiles.
Jaejoong smiles back.
“Okay,” Yunho says. “I can try that.”
“Cool,” Jaejoong says. “And I'll continue telling you when you're being an asshole.”
Yunho laughs. “So tell me about this conference.”
“Later.” Jaejoong tosses the folder onto his desk. “Tell me why you were with Heechul.”
Yunho's smile fades. “Oh. That's a long story. Well, so he called me around eight...”
Jaejoong smiles and nods as Yunho relates his day's story, reacting to every amusing and sorrowful moment appropriately, and he feels happy. He has no idea where this will lead, but at the moment, he feels happy. And that's enough for now.
* The moisture in Jaejoong's eyes: I usually let readers take what they will from my writing, but this is something that is misinterpreted by literally everyone-including me-so I'll explain. Some people cry when they get overly excited. Anger, fear, anxiety... I do it, my friends do it. Jaejoong strikes me as someone who would, as well. When he's talking on the phone with Yunho and nearly crying, he's upset and angry. So please don't mistake his tears for heartbreak, because that's not where the tears are coming from.
* Changmin whispering in Yunho's ear: In case it isn't obvious, Changmin is complimenting Yunho on his shirt.
* Wayne and Wally: The book referred to here is Annabel by Kathleen Winter. Beautiful story and writing.
A/N: I have officially sacrificed 2 chapters to the QPR. Ugh. And I want to say something here about Junsu: It might look like he's completely fine with everything now, but he's still in the bargaining stage of his journey. He still has depression before he gets to acceptance. Just in case you didn't have enough to be anxious about in your life. Also, sorry about the cheesy ending, but I had no idea how to end it. Maybe I'll think of something by the time I edit this chapter.
I want to add another thing: Calm down. Your recent comments have given me major anxiety and while I don't want to say something like “get off my lawn,” I want to remind everyone that this is my safe space and I reserve the right to friend-lock this story. I encourage everyone with reservations about the QPR (queerplatonic relationship) to keep reading for a couple chapters to see how this affects the story (and it doesn't; it's mentioned twice more in the entire fic). If it turns out that this fic is no longer your cup of tea, kindly stop reading. However, if I keep getting such angry comments and messages, I'm friend-locking and de-friending any friends who choose to be so blatantly disrespectful. I seriously considered disabling comments on this chap, but I'm giving y'all the benefit of the doubt here and leaving comments open.
I'll listen to opinions on anything else in this chapter, but I wrote the QPR as my own platonic partnership, with how Yunho and Changmin feel for each other as a translation of how I feel for my platonic partner and how she hopefully feels about me. If you attack it, it's too close to home, too personal. Please try to understand.