The Intermission (part 2)
Part 1: Here
Part 2
2007
He's pretty. Not as pretty as Jaejoong, and nowhere close to Seokjin, but he's pretty in a cute, nineteen-year-old way. The moment their eyes meet, Yunho knows he wants him.
That's when he realizes that this probably isn't a phase.
The boy recognizes Yunho's attraction but second-guesses it. “I'm sorry,” he says, cheeks reddening. “I didn't mean to trip you, Yunho-ssi, I-”
“Your name?” Yunho asks, reckless. This passion is something he hasn't felt since Seokjin.
The boy grows shy, and Yunho's desire leaps up his spine. “Jiyun,” he says. “Lee Jiyun.”
Yunho drops his eyes to the photo-book in Jiyun's hands. “Who do you want to sign that?” he asks.
Jiyun glances at the book distractedly. “Oh,” he says. “Jaejoong-ssi...” He looks at Yunho. “If that isn't a problem. I can wait in line.”
Jaejoong. That isn't surprising. Yunho nods and glances over his shoulder at TVXQ's table, his four members grinning through grit teeth at the masses upon masses of the fan-meet's turn-out. Jaejoong, as the center of attention, looks like the only one actually enjoying himself.
Yunho turns back to Jiyun. “Want to meet him?”
Jiyun's eyes nearly bug out of his head.
The innocence raises Yunho's impatience.
Ignoring the boy's surprise, Yunho grab's Jiyun's wrist and leads him back to the table. Changmin turns first, then Yoochun, then Junsu, all curious at the strange boy's presence. Changmin appears more interested in Yunho's hold on Jiyun's wrist, but Yunho ignores him, too.
Jaejoong finishes his batch of autographs, and Yunho taps him on the shoulder. Jaejoong turns, eyes landing instantly on Jiyun. “Oh, hi,” he says, smiling. He looks at Yunho. “And this is...?”
“A fan,” Yunho says. He touches a hand to Jiyun's lower back and ushers him forward. “Lee Jiyun, meet Hero Jaejoong. Jaejoong, this is Jiyun. He'd like your autograph.”
Jiyun blanches. “Um-” He coughs. “Hello, Jaejoong-hyung.”
Jaejoong beams. “Hello, Jiyun-ah.”
Jiyun nearly faints on the spot.
Afterward, when Jiyun's book is signed and Jiyun has said more than three words to his idol, Yunho leads him away, out to Jiyun's ride. They stop when the car starts and its driver, Jiyun's sister, begins to spaz at the sight of Yunho standing beside her baby brother.
Jiyun looks at Yunho, fidgeting. “Thank you for that,” he says.
Yunho shrugs. “It was my pleasure.”
“But, no,” Jiyun says. He steps closer. “I really owe you one.”
Yunho considers that, looking him over. A PRIDE pin on the strap of his backpack. A rainbow wristband supporting his left wrist. Lots and lots of eyeliner. It's as if Santa Clause is rewarding Yunho for his celibacy.
“Then let me take you to dinner tomorrow night,” Yunho says.
*
Changmin slams into the bathroom, Yunho and Yoochun hot on his heels.
“It's not that big of a deal,” Yoochun says, but he looks guilty.
Changmin's sure the millions of girls a year that are assaulted the same way share those sentiments. “Get out,” is all he can really say, though. When Yoochun hesitates, surprised at Changmin's animosity, Changmin yells it again. “Get out, now!”
Yoochun looks at Yunho for guidance.
Changmin eyes Yunho in the mirror's reflection.
Yunho leans against the counter at Changmin's side. He nods at Yoochun.
Yoochun glances at Changmin a last time before obliging. The restroom door closes with slow swings.
“Are you okay?” Yunho asks when they're alone.
Changmin doesn't answer.
Yunho pushes off of the counter.
Changmin places a hand on Yunho's chest.
Yunho relaxes back into place.
The look in Yunho's eyes sets Changmin off. It isn't his confusion or his concern, it's the underlying emotion, the terror twinkling beneath everything else. The understanding of being used.
Changmin's act forfeits momentarily. “You get it, right?” he asks. “You know why this is so stupid. Why this is so... so inconsiderate and...”
Yunho frowns.
Changmin licks his lips. He gestures widely. “You, of all people,” he says, “understand why I'm so pissed. Why I have a right to be.”
Yunho doesn't follow, obviously, but he does nod.
Changmin lets free a bitter laugh, egged on by Yunho's confusion. “Just because it doesn't affect him,” he whispers incredulously, “he does this. Just because he isn't...” His fingers curl into the front of Yunho's shirt. “Just assuming that boys feel nothing for other boys.”
Something registers in Yunho's look. A hand closes over Changmin's, and Yunho pries it gently from his shirt. He holds it.
There's a security that comes with the gesture. Changmin is warmed by it.
“I doubt Jaejoong has had much experience with homosexuality,” Yunho tells him, every ounce the collected leader.
Changmin's anger fades.
“At our age, we just want attention.” Yunho squeezes Changmin's hand. “He was just being an ass to get a laugh out of the rest of us.”
Changmin shakes his head. “If I was a girl-”
“But you're not,” Yunho says.
Changmin looks at their hands.
“It's horrible,” Yunho says. “But it's... it's something that happens.”
“It's just a kiss,” Changmin whispers.
“That's all it takes,” Yunho replies.
When they finally make it out of the public restroom, dignities repaired and pretenses resumed, it's with a better understanding of each other, and Changmin catches a glimpse, though he'll later forget it, of what they would become in the years ahead.
*
2008
“Yunho, I'm not sure I can do this.”
Yunho glances away from the road to give Hanwoo a curious look. “Don't worry,” he says. “She'll like you.”
“That's not the problem,” Hanwoo says, then he pauses. “At least, it wasn't until now. Oh my god, she is going to hate me.”
Yunho squeezes Hanwoo's knee. “She'll love you,” he says, smiling. “Hopefully not as much as I do, though.”
Hanwoo's lip twitches in an effort to smile.
Yunho taps a finger on the steering wheel.
“I'm an anti-fan,” Hanwoo whispers. “I can't stand Jaejoong. Does she like Jaejoong?”
“She loves Jaejoong,” Yunho replies. “Hanwoo-yah, she'll love you. Just give her a chance.”
“But that's not it,” Hanwoo says. “Yunho, I... I think I'm going to be sick.”
Yunho pulls over to the side of the road, and Hanwoo spills out of the car. Yunho unbuckles and follows him to the median.
Hanwoo is crouched low to the ground, face in his hands. Yunho rubs a hand up and down his back. “Baby,” he soothes.
Hanwoo shakes his head. “I can't do this, Yunho,” he murmurs into his knees. “I just...” He raises his head when Yunho lowers to the ground. “I mean, your sister can't want someone like me for you. She wants you to be happy, raise a family.”
“We've only been dating for three and a half months,” Yunho reminds him.
Hanwoo tsks. “Yunho, I-My mother. She would never approve.”
Yunho drops his eyes.
“She wants grandchildren,” Hanwoo continues, “and I know we can have a family, but it'll be hard, and she wants a daughter-in-law. She wants what's best for me, and you're-” He stops.
Yunho rises to his feet.
“Yunho,” Hanwoo says, pushing off of the pavement.
“And I'm not what's best for you,” Yunho translates.
“Yunho, I love you,” Hanwoo says. “You know that, but it'll be hard, and I don't think I'll be able to do it if my family-”
“My sister will be fine,” Yunho says.
“But it's not what she wants for you,” Hanwoo says. “I just think that-”
“`We should break up?'” Yunho finishes.
Hanwoo is silent. A car zooms past them.
Yunho thinks for the first time that he might not like women at all.
*
When Yunho tells Changmin that he isn't gay, Changmin's chest nearly snaps in two. He isn't sure why; he's over his crush on the cool, formidable leader. It hurts, though. Low in his gut.
Yunho blinks at him from the other side of the cab. The driver turns up the radio to either provide them with some measure of privacy or drown them out.
“Why do you look so surprised?” Yunho asks with a shrug. “I'm really not. I just act cutesy on stage because I have no idea what else they want from me.” He looks out his window. “You have to give them something, you know?”
That rubs Changmin the wrong way. He brings his hands into his lap, eyebrows furrowing. “There's nothing wrong with it.”
Yunho's head snaps back to look at him. “I never said there was.”
“I know how religious you are,” Changmin says.
“It has nothing to do with that,” Yunho says. “There's nothing wrong with it, like you said.”
His face says differently, however, and Changmin clucks his tongue. It's only in his nature. He can't not argue when offered the opportunity. “Don't say things that you don't believe.”
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho looks appalled. “Don't tell me what I believe and what I don't. It's okay to be gay.”
“As long as they don't rub it in anyone's face, right?” Changmin asks through clenched teeth. “As long as they stay in their place?”
“Changmin-ah!”
It's the first time Changmin has ever discussed his sexuality. He isn't sure why he's discussing it now.
Yunho tugs at Changmin's sleeve. “Changmin-ah,” he calls, “look at me.”
Changmin looks out his window.
“All I said is that I'm straight,” Yunho says, frowning. “Why are you so mad?”
Because I'm not, Changmin replies mentally. He snorts.
He escapes when Yunho is paying the fare. He skips the elevator and takes the stares two at a time, and when Yunho knocks on his bedroom door two minutes after he closes it, Changmin simply slides to the floor.
He isn't sure why he raised the issue at all. Thinking Yunho's gay, knowing Yunho's gay; what does it matter?
He clenches at his chest as a foreign feeling washes over him.
Maybe he didn't want to know if Yunho is really gay or not. Maybe... Changmin finally wanted to tell someone that he is.
*
By the time Yunho realizes Jaejoong is his one and only, he's miles past the point of no return. He thought that Jaejoong's willfulness-his naiveté, his closed-mindedness-would be enough to turn Yunho off, but that only did the trick for the first five and a half years.
Yunho sighs, because Jaejoong is cooking, and he's going on and on about some S.M. drama-“and I know I'm not supposed to get involved, but if she'd just look at things from his side”-and Yunho wants him probably more than he wanted Jiyun, almost as much as he wanted Seokjin, and Jaejoong is one part off-limits, two parts Yunho's most innocent crush ever, but now Jaejoong is rubbing his nose and smiling at Yunho sheepishly, because in his excitement, Jaejoong walked square into a wall.
Well, fuck, Yunho concludes.
*
2009
Changmin is dying inside. She's nice and sweet and meets all of his mother's expectations, but Changmin just knows he's going to burst into tears at any moment, because the date is going too well. She looks hopeful, like he might be the one, and he's not. He's really not.
“What's your favorite Disney movie, Changmin-ssi?” she asks, because they've wandered onto the topic of American film, which they both happen to adore.
“That's a tough one,” he says. “Hercules, probably. Or Mulan.” He doesn't mention the wet dream he had about Hercules when he was twelve.
Her eyes widen. “I love Mulan!” She leans forward eagerly. “Oliver and Company is another one, though it's a bit obscure.”
Changmin's fork stops halfway to his mouth. “You know about Oliver and Company?”
She nods. “It's such a shame that it doesn't have the recognition of some of the others. It's message is so good, though.” She meets his gaze. “How about you, Changmin-ssi?”
Changmin knows that she only keeps saying his name so he'll ask her to drop the ssi. “I agree,” he says. He considers bringing up the feeling of being able to relate to a cat among dogs, but he dismisses the idea. The last thing they need is to bond over a tragic backstory that they'll definitely have in common. “I always loved that dog,” he says instead.
“Who wouldn't?” she asks, laughing. “It's Billy Joel!”
Changmin smiles into his wine glass. His mother has definitely done her research. This woman is pretty, well-read, well-spoken, well-rounded, and possesses enough wit to keep Changmin entertained for hours. It's not enough, though. Changmin just can't see it working out.
“Now, Queen,” she says, and Changmin freezes. She doesn't notice. “What's your favorite song? And, yes, there's a right answer.”
Changmin sees his chance. He wills himself to say “We Are the Champions,” just like everyone else, but he's a singer, and he could do without Freddie Mercury visiting him all Freddie Cruegar style in his bed tonight. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” he says, the most obvious thing in the world, and she flails a little in her seat.
“Correct!” she chirps.
Fuck me, Changmin curses privately.
“Changmin-ah.”
Changmin glances away from her at the new voice.
There Yoochun is, all designer clothing and white teeth, and Changmin is blinded a little by the sheer power of his charm.
Changmin pulls off his glasses; they've just fogged up, he's sure. “Hyung,” he says. “What are you doing here?”
“Nothing much,” Yoochun says, and he winks at Changmin's date.
She blushes.
A Yoochun fan. Changmin bites back a groan; they even have that in common.
“Afternoon, Yoochun-ssi,” she murmurs, breathless.
Changmin stares at her.
“Afternoon,” Yoochun says. He looks at Changmin. “I need to speak with you about something Yunho said.” His eyes lock with hers. “Mind if I borrow him a moment?”
“Oh, no,” she says.
Changmin slides out of his seat. “What is it?” he asks when they're out of earshot of the table. “What did Yunho say?”
Yoochun smiles at him. “No clue. Coffee?”
Changmin frowns.
Yoochun gets into line at the bar.
“Wait, hyung, I'm...” Changmin moves up the line with him. “I'm not really certain what's happening right now.”
Yoochun's smile doesn't budge. “Yeah, just keep looking at me like that,” he says, chuckling. “That wrinkle on your forehead makes this look like a real serious conversation.”
“What?” Changmin asks.
They reach the head of the line. “Caramel macchiato,” Yoochun tells the barista-slash-bartender. “I just thought you needed a break,” he says to Changmin as he rifles through his wallet. “You looked like you were having the date of your life.”
“Is that sarcasm?” Changmin asks, frown deepening.
“No, you did,” Yoochun says. He hands over the bills, then steps aside to wait for his drink, moving Changmin along with him. “But you, how should I say...” He gives Changmin a thoughtful look. “When you didn't look completely thrilled, you looked like you were going to cry.”
Changmin's face hardens into a look of complete horror.
Yoochun's face falls. “Kind of like that, yeah.” He places a hand on Changmin's shoulder. “Dude, breath. If you cry, I cry, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.”
Changmin forces a laugh at that. “Do you think she saw?” he asks.
“No,” Yoochun says. He sighs when the barista calls out his coffee. “What's the problem, man?”
Changmin knows she's watching their exchange. He turns his back on her, obstructing her view of Yoochun's profile. “She's perfect,” he says.
Yoochun sips at his macchiato. “Just not your kind of perfect?” he asks.
Not even close. Changmin shakes his head.
Yoochun pushes onto his tip-toes to look at her from over Changmin's shoulder.
Changmin glances at her, as well.
She waves at them patiently.
They wave back.
“Do you think she likes me?” Yoochun asks.
Changmin turns back to him. “Is that even a question?”
Yoochun laughs. “Maybe I could persuade her off your hands.”
“You'd do that?” Changmin asks, surprised.
“Of course,” Yoochun says. “And it's not like it's completely selfless. She is cute.”
“She is,” Changmin whispers, looking at her again.
“But not your kind of cute,” Yoochun reminds him.
Changmin laughs. “Are you really trying to help, or are you just taking advantage of the situation?”
Yoochun shrugs. “Call me an opportunist,” he says. He takes another sip of his coffee before handing the cup to Changmin. “Here, I'm on wooing mode now.”
Changmin takes the drink. “Oh, so you weren't when you came in?” he asks, teasing.
Yoochun merely winks and steps away, in full Casanova mode, and the jealousy hits like an anvil to a coyote.
Changmin tries not to drop the macchiato. Oh, dear god, no.
*
The suitcases are packed, the boxes are on the truck, and Yoochun is crying. Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu are now ready to leave and become JYJ.
Yunho watches them, firmly ignoring the dreadful stab of nausea chipping away at his insides.
Junsu won't let Changmin go. “Are you sure you'll be okay with just Yunho?” he's asking.
Changmin looks uncomfortable with Junsu's fingers curled around his forearm. He's nodding and mumbling, but he's so angry, and he looks at Yunho.
Yunho moves in and takes Changmin's other hand. “We'll be fine,” he says.
Changmin presses closer.
“But neither of you really cook,” Junsu argues, stressed wrinkles clawing at the corners of his eyes. He doesn't want to leave Changmin behind.
Yunho knows it's too late for that.
Yoochun tries to wipe his eyes and manage a modicum composure, but his tears will not subside, and he gives up, throwing his arms around Changmin, then Yunho. Changmin stiffens under the embrace. Yunho squeezes Yoochun back.
Jaejoong is decidedly stoic, but after he hugs Changmin, he falls to pieces in Yunho's arms. Yunho holds him close, secretly wanting to comfort him in so many more ways than this.
“We'll come back,” Jaejoong murmurs, and he touches Yunho's cheek. “Once everything is done, we'll come back, and it'll be as if nothing ever happened.”
Yunho nods.
But when they go, Changmin hits Yunho on the chest. “They won't,” he says, seething.
Yunho rubs his front gingerly.
“They'll go,” Changmin says. “They'll love it more than they love us, and they won't come back.”
*
2010
They ambush them in front of the theater.
“Shim Changmin!” one shouts. “Shim Changmin, a statement please!”
Kyuhyun curses and grabs Changmin's arm. Changmin backs into him. “We need to go,” Kyuhyun shouts into BoA's ear.
BoA nods. “Come on, Changmin-ah,” she says, taking his hand into hers. “Let's-”
“How does it feel to know that you've been abandoned?” another yells, pushing through the others. “How are you taking the breakup?”
Kyuhyun tries to hold the reporter back as BoA pulls Changmin down the sidewalk.
Changmin clutches his bag closer to his side.
“Is there any contempt?” a third asks, farther back in the crowd. “Please, Changmin, just one statement!”
Kyuhyun bodily shoves both Changmin and BoA into the nearest hotel.
The receptionist hops to her feet when the door swings closed, but they aren't interested in her. They watch, accustomed but disturbed, as the window-paned front wall is flooded with cameras and black suits.
Changmin falls behind his sunbaes, breath catching; this scene is cut straight from a Steven King novel.
“This is private property,” Kyuhyun assures him.
Changmin doesn't care.
The receptionist points them towards the lounge area before moving to the door. She opens it and steps out.
“She'll deal with it,” BoA tells Changmin.
Changmin turns away. He places a hand on his throat.
Kyuhyun takes him by the elbow. “Let's sit down.” He nods at a table. “They have water.”
BoA pours a glass, offers it to Changmin.
Changmin bends forward.
“Breath, Changmin-ah,” Kyuhyun tells him. “This isn't anything that we haven't dealt with twenty million times before.”
BoA stands at a distance, still holding the glass. She looks scared.
Changmin wants to ask her why. He manages a rasp, but that's all, and it scares him.
“He's really pale,” BoA whispers.
Kyuhyun nods. “Come on, let's sit down,” he suggests.
He tries to lead Changmin forward, but Changmin feels claustrophobic. He forces himself out of Kyuhyun's grasp.
“Changmin-ah-”
I'm fine, Changmin tries to say. He gasps, then gasps again. He flushes even further. He feels light-headed.
“He's panicking,” someone says. “Changmin-ah, come, sit down-”
And he crumbles.
He's out for no more than two seconds, but it's long enough for them to have him on the couch.
“I'm calling Yunho,” Kyuhyun says from somewhere near.
“Call an ambulance,” BoA tells him, panic-stricken, sitting at Changmin's side. “I'll call Yunho.”
Then Changmin's consciousness is officially swallowed in darkness.
Vasovagal syncope, the doctor calls it. Changmin asks Yunho to never mention the name to him outside of the hospital.
*
2011
Yunho doesn't tell Changmin what's happening. He just pops some popcorn, makes some coffee, and pulls one of those Little Debbie things that Changmin likes out of the secret stash. When he plops onto the couch at Changmin's side, Little Debbie in hand, Changmin asks. Leave it to Changmin to always ask.
“Let's watch Heaven's Postman,” Yunho says.
Changmin pauses his video game.
A year and half, and it's still too soon. Changmin won't say it, but he gives Yunho that look of his, and Yunho smiles mysteriously.
“Okay,” Changmin says.
Neither of them can watch the movie for what it is, because Jaejoong is who he is. He's running and talking and moving and loving.
Yunho takes the next available pause in dialogue, eyes fastened to Jaejoong's picture. “Changmin, I'm gay.”
Changmin looks at him.
The tears are immediate. Yunho fumbles for something to hold onto, because he's not used to crying. Changmin grabs his hand.
“It's okay, hyung,” Changmin says.
Yunho cries harder.
“Shh.” Changmin pulls him close, arms wrapping around Yunho's torso. “It's okay. It's really okay.”
The movie continues to play. The popcorn is forgotten. The cake is half-eaten.
“I still love you,” Changmin whispers into Yunho's ear. “So please, shh.”
*
Changmin bites his lip the day Yunho is finally fed up with all of it.
“Perfect,” Yunho is saying, throwing the newspaper onto the table. His coffee sloshes a little as he takes a disgruntled sip. “They pity me.”
“JYJ?” Changmin asks. He grimaces. “They're trying, at least.”
Yunho sighs. “If Avex doesn't want me, fine, but if they don't want me-”
“They do.”
“-then they shouldn't pretend that they-” Yunho startles, blinking at Changmin. “Sorry,” he says.
Changmin stirs his coffee.
“I know I'm being an ass,” Yunho says. He rubs his neck. “I just... feel kind of alone, I guess. Starting to wonder why I came out in the first place.”
“You have me,” Changmin says, not lifting his gaze.
Yunho shrugs. “Yeah, but you don't know,” he says. “You don't get it.”
Changmin's stirring quickens. “... Actually, hyung,” he mumbles. “I think I might.”
Yunho doesn't hear him. “I'm sorry.” He leans forward. “What did you say?”
Changmin dances his fingers along the handle of his mug. “I said I do know,” he says, louder. “I...” He meets Yunho's eyes. His eyes drop back to his coffee. “I just... know.”
Yunho lifts from his seat. “Changmin-ah...”
Changmin's stirring stops. He fights the urge to curl himself into the pocket of the sugar rack.
“Are you saying...” Yunho steps up to his side. “Changmin-ah, are you gay, too?”
Changmin hides his face in his hands.
Yunho drops to his haunches beside Changmin's chair. “You don't have to be scared,” he says, touching Changmin's wrist.
Changmin peeks at him through the gaps between his fingers.
Yunho smiles at him, warm and reassuring. “You know that it's okay, don't you?” he asks, chuckling.
Changmin swallows the lump in his throat. “I've known since I was nine, but-”
Yunho stares at him. “Since you were nine?”
Changmin practically tackles him to the ground. His arms are around Yunho's neck, and his legs are straddling Yunho's lap, and his nose is buried in Yunho's shoulder, but he doesn't cry. He only shakes.
Yunho wraps his arms around Changmin's waist. “Feel like you're going to faint at all?” he whispers.
Changmin shakes his head.
*
He can't call with his cellphone, because she won't pick up if she knows it's him, so Changmin convinces him to give the payphone a shot.
He stares at it, coffee to-go cup in hand. Just a while longer, he convinces himself. He doesn't want to rush things.
She'll understand. She'll be angry, but in time, she'll... she'll love him anyway.
He throws his empty cup in the trash, enters the booth. Three coins. Three rings.
Pick up. Silence.
Yunho's breath shudders. “Umma?” he murmurs.
*
Changmin reaches for his cell, pauses, and drops his hand.
Maybe she'll call him. Yeah, maybe that's how it'll go.
He considers the thought, tries to believe it, but he's too practical to be delusional. He picks up the phone, presses dial; panics, presses cancel. He throws the mobile onto the chair across from him.
He cries. And cries, and cries.
*
It's too soon. Sure, they're both gay, but they've thought of each other as straight and as brothers for too long, and forcing the romance is as difficult as it is exhausting.
So they explode.
“Why can't I be angry?” Changmin asks a week after they become official. “Why can't I be a little unreasonable?”
“You can be anything,” Yunho says, trying to remain calm and collected. “But you need to be a little more tactful. That's all I'm saying.”
“Oh, fuck tactful,” Changmin mutters. He stands up, throws a dish into the sink. “I won't stay in my place.”
“I'm not saying that,” Yunho tells him, surprised.
“Yes,” Changmin argues, "you are." He turns on who is supposed to be the love of his life. “You want me to keep quiet. Mind my words.”
“Baby.” Yunho tries to grab Changmin's hand, but Changmin yanks out of reach, and it hurts. “Baby, come on,” he says, quieter.
“No,” Changmin says. “They want us to be open about who we are. About our love lives, about our pasts, because we're interesting. But we can't say we have issues with them. We can't stick up for ourselves.”
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“How can you not have a fight?” Changmin splutters, incredulous. “Aren't you passionate about anything? At all?”
“What?” Yunho asks. “That goes without-We have to think about our image. About sales.”
“We don't have an image anymore,” Changmin says. “Nor do we have sales.”
“What about JYJ's image, then?” Yunho asks, and Changmin scoffs. “They're taking us back, even with this.”
“`Even with this,'” Changmin parrots. He glares at Yunho, anger rising. “That's suggesting that they have the option of rejecting us because we're gay.”
“I think anyone has that option,” Yunho says.
“You're the one who says they still love us,” Changmin says.
Yunho sighs again.
“You're too serious,” Changmin tells him, shaking his head. “It was this way before, too. Whenever anyone stepped out of line to do the right thing, you just yelled at them.”
“We're a band before anything else,” Yunho says.
“We're human beings before anything else,” Changmin says.
Yunho closes his mouth.
“You act like we're pests.” Changmin watches as Yunho pulls out a chair and takes a seat. “Whenever we do something just for the sake of doing it. It's like you don't get it.”
Yunho doesn't say anything, only holds Changmin's gaze.
Changmin sighs this time. “You came out, but other than that, you're just... the same.” He leans forward and pecks Yunho on the lips. “This isn't working.”
Yunho drops his eyes.
“I'm sorry,” Changmin says.
Yunho doesn't even fight it. It's just too soon.
*
“Did you have any crushes, hyung?”
Yunho lifts his eyes from the shoe he's tying. They're backstage, redressing after a variety show event.
Changmin smiles.
It's been a week since their breakup, and they're back to normal. Well, mostly.
“Crushes, boyfriends,” Changmin says. “You know, romance.”
“I had a boyfriend,” Yunho says. “Or four.”
Changmin stares at him. “Four?” he echoes.
“Well, two.” Yunho returns to his task. “The other two were my first love and a fling. Ended before they began.”
“But you've had sex with all four of them,” Changmin says, buttoning his pants. The question is merely implied.
Yunho nods. “You?” he asks.
Changmin shrugs. “I haven't had anyone, besides you.” He fiddles with his belt. “My first love never knew.”
Yunho looks at him carefully. “No crushes, then?”
Changmin blushes. “Besides you and Kevin, only one.”
Yunho straightens. “One?”
Changmin hesitates.
“Oh, come on.” Yunho spreads his arms wide. “I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
“Should we write them down on color-coded paper and pass them to each other during history class?” Changmin asks dryly.
Yunho gives him a look.
Changmin twists his mouth. “... Yoochun.”
Yunho laughs. It's reflexive and in complete, horrid form, but Yunho just cracks up.
Changmin glares at him. “It's not funny.”
Yunho clenches his stomach. “I'm sorry, I just-” He tries to compose himself. “You're after TVXQ's Casanova, and-”
“Every woman on earth is in love with him,” Changmin talks over him. “Why can't I be?”
“It's just funny for really stupid reasons,” Yunho says, wiping a tear.
“And who's yours then?” Changmin asks, defensive. “Is he better? More available?”
“He's worse.” Yunho sobers with a last few chuckles. “It's Jaejoong.”
Changmin's reaction is better; he snorts. “Oh, come on.”
“I know,” Yunho says. He smiles and rolls his eyes at himself. “Go ahead, let me have it.”
Yunho can tell that Changmin wants to, but Changmin holds it back with obvious effort. “It's... okay,” he says.
“Oh, `okay?'” Yunho asks, grinning with amused disbelief. “Since when is anything just okay with you?”
“Well, I-” Changmin glances at a pair of giggling hairstylists across the room. “I know what it's like to have an unrequited crush. I had one on you for awhile, and by the way-” He frowns at Yunho. “You broke my heart when you told me you were straight.”
Yunho pauses, water bottle halfway to his mouth. “You liked me then?”
Changmin looks at his bag as he checks to make sure nothing's missing from it. “No. I don't think so.”
Yunho takes a sip of water.
“I would just expect you to like someone a little less expected,” Changmin says, changing the subject. “I mean, YunJae? That's kinda... predictable.”
Yunho looks affronted. “And YooMin is unpredictable?”
Changmin quirks an eyebrow. “Isn't it?”
“Well, yeah,” Yunho says. He looks away. “And you being gay is-I could've taken our relationship more seriously, you know.”
Changmin squeaks as his bag falls out of his grip. “Uh.” He blushes, bending to retrieve it. “Hyung, what?”
“I just find it difficult to move on,” Yunho says. “After a crush. I mean, especially on Jaejoong. I've liked him for two and a half years.”
“I've liked Yoochun for two,” Changmin says quietly. “I never really tried getting over him, though.”
“I haven't been able to get over Jaejoong because I can't,” Yunho says. “It's an on and off thing with him. I'll get over him for a month, but then he does something extremely stupid, and I'm head over heels again.”
Changmin's look unnerves Yunho.
“It's probably not as bad with Yoochun,” Yunho says, turning away.
“Well, no,” Changmin says. He glances again at the hairstylists. “Do you want to go somewhere else?”
"We have to wait for the car,” Yunho says.
Changmin folds his arms across his chest. “Well, it's been a couple years since my psychology courses but...” He leads Yunho towards a bench. “Let's sit down.”
“I don't need a shrink,” Yunho says, frowning.
“Of course you don't,” Changmin says. “Now sit down.”
Yunho sits.
“You're probably one of those people who needs to date someone to get over them,” Changmin says. “Or at the very least have sex with them.”
“But I can't.” Yunho runs a hand through his hair.
“In theory, no,” Changmin agrees. He pats Yunho's back sympathetically.
*
“How 'bout this.”
Changmin tries not to squeal. He was just reading a few chapters, minding his own business, when Yunho leaned over him from behind the couch. Changmin places a hand over his chest, heartbeat thundering.
Yunho comes around to sit beside him. “But, Changmin-ah, I have an idea.”
“Have you been drinking?” Changmin asks, noting the flush in Yunho's cheeks. “Hyung, are you okay? You never drink.”
“I've figured it out,” Yunho says, as if Changmin hasn't said a word. “A way for us to date them without dating them.”
“What?” Changmin asks. He snaps his novel closed.
“Jaejoong and Yoochun.” Yunho bounces excitedly. “Let's be them for each other.”
“What?” Changmin repeats.
“I'll be Yoochun for you,” Yunho says, lifting his right hand, then he lifts his other. “And you'll be Jaejoong for me.”
“Oh my god.” Changmin turns to him and places his hands on Yunho's shoulders. “Did you hit your head after drinking? How many of me are you seeing?”
“Five,” Yunho replies. “But the point is that it could work.”
“No, it couldn't.” Changmin sighs, touching Yunho's cheek. “We're not going to... use each other that way. That's obsessive and kind of unhealthy.”
“It's only until we get over them, though,” Yunho says. “I need to date Jaejoong to get over him, and this is the only way I can do it.”
“Obsessive lover,” Changmin mutters to himself.
“What?” Yunho asks.
“Nothing,” Changmin says. “But this is still insane, I-” He pictures it, against his will; dating Yoochun even in this asinine way. His heart flutters. “We're not doing this, hyung,” he whispers, waving away the image.
“It won't last long,” Yunho argues. “Just until we're over them.” He grabs Changmin's arm. “Please, Changmin-ah, I... I need this. I'm tired of watching you wait for him.”
Changmin drops his book.
“Rule one would be to not let the other be alone with his crush,” Yunho says, and he's alarmingly sober now. “I wouldn't let you be alone with Yoochun. You wouldn't let me be alone with Jaejoong.”
Changmin turns to him. “Hyung, how the hell do you know that I'm waiting?”
“Second rule,” Yunho says. “We just play our parts, taking turns. Maybe every two days.”
“So we can go to sleep and wake up with-” Changmin shakes his head and climbs off the couch. “No, I'm not listening to this. How did you even notice something like--”
“Third rule,” Yunho says, remaining in his seat. He huffs when Changmin puts his hands over his ears. “We don't fucking delude ourselves.”
Changmin's hands drop to his sides, and he turns to Yunho.
Yunho's eyes are cold, like the day they first met. “We take steps to get over them,” he says. “We make sure that that's what we're doing. We don't have weak moments where we let them walk all over us. We stick together.”
“I don't think they're malicious,” Changmin says.
“But they don't know what they do to us,” Yunho whispers. "Yoochun doesn't know that you're just watching him be happy. That you need to move on."
Changmin doesn't know how to respond. He takes a moment of consideration. He re-approaches the sofa.
Yunho looks up at him hopefully.
Changmin sighs. “You need this, I don't, and I don't know how you saw any of that, but...” He nods. “Okay.” He sits down. "Okay."
Yunho starts to smile.
“But a fourth rule,” Changmin says, an afterthought. “No sex.”
Yunho laughs. “No problem.”
*
The fourth rule doesn't last long.
Neither of them expected the arrangement to last longer than a few days, given it's obsessive nature, but two weeks in, they're kissing, and Yunho is pushing Changmin down on the bed.
Yunho is trying to hold himself back, because it's Changmin's turn, and they aren't supposed to go much further.
Changmin isn't stopping him, though. He's encouraging, even leads the kiss a little, urging Yunho to let go.
Yunho tries to think of what Yoochun would do. It proves difficult, of course; the thought of Yoochun even suggesting sex is a major turn off.
Changmin shifts under Yunho's weight. “Yunho-yah,” he whispers.
Yunho mouths at his neck.
“Yunho,” Changmin says, “I want... I want you to go on.”
That changes things. Yunho stills. “You're a virgin.”
“It doesn't matter,” Changmin says.
Yunho climbs off of him. “Changmin-ah.”
“Hyung.” Changmin sits up.
“It matters,” Yunho says. “It's your first time.”
“It's not like I'm a girl,” Changmin says, frowning. “It's not like I'm getting my cherry popped or anything.”
Yunho stares at him. “It's still personal,” he says. “Whether you top or bottom, you're still being vulnerable with someone else.”
Changmin scoffs. Yunho can see his frustration rising. “Dude, I had this conversation with my dad when I was in the fifth grade-”
“I don't want to do what Jaejoong did to you,” Yunho says.
Changmin studies his face.
Yunho couldn't bear to see Changmin look like that again. It isn't like Yunho, anyway; taking what isn't his just because it's convenient, for his benefit more than Changmin's. Jaejoong at least had the excuse of not knowing, but Yunho knows.
“I'm not really Yoochun, you know,” Yunho says.
Changmin touches Yunho's chest. He licks his lips. “This thing is stupid,” he says.
Yunho smiles.
“It's grade school denial, if we think about it, and we'd have to be clinically insane to actually be thinking of Yoochun or Jaejoong right now.” Changmin shrugs one shoulder. “I know it's you, hyung. I'm not actually crazy.”
Yunho looks at him a moment, then his smile broadens. “Is that a go-ahead?”
“Yes,” Changmin says, rolling his eyes. “Just do it.”
“I don't know,” Yunho says, skeptical. “Maybe we should-”
Changmin kisses him.
It's a little like deja vu, with the little things that remind Yunho of Seokjin, but unlike Seokjin, Changmin has no idea what they're doing. The innocence surprises Yunho. He would think Changmin would be at least marginally more educated on the subject of sex.
But all is well. Changmin does as he's instructed, and he's enjoying himself. Changmin is rather loud, so Yunho is well aware that he's enjoying himself.
They only slip up once.
“Hyung,” Changmin says when Yunho enters. “Hyung, I-” But it's just the once.
Afterwards, Changmin lays on his front, smothered in the bedspread, and Yunho is sitting against the headboard.
“It's nice knowing that we stick to our word,” Yunho says, grinning.
Changmin's laugh is muffled.
“You're really innocent, aren't you?” Yunho asks.
Changmin's shoulder twitches. “I've watched porn,” he says. He lifts his head. “I've watched a lot of porn. I just forgot all the information the moment before we started kissing.”
Yunho chuckles and kisses Changmin's shoulder.
Changmin hums. He sits up and relaxes against the headboard. “How about you?” he asks.
“Me?” Yunho asks.
Changmin nods, stretching his arms above his head. “Your virginity,” he says. “Anal virginity, I guess. I mean, you've obviously had sex.”
“Oh,” Yunho says. “I've bottomed a couple of times, but it's not really my thing.”
Funnily enough, Changmin doesn't question that, which Yunho finds odd. All of his exes asked for his reasons, as if it was their right to know exactly why he didn't like spreading his legs.
“So if this happens again,” Changmin says, “you're going to top? Every time?”
“If that's okay,” Yunho says. He looks Changmin up and down, a little put off.
“I don't mind.” Changmin scratches his head. “That just sounds a little exhausting.” He looks at Yunho. “I don't want you doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.”
Yunho's eyes drop to Changmin's hands, hugging Changmin's knees. “It's just not a vulnerability I like displaying.”
“You don't have to explain it to me,” Changmin says. “Some people don't like doing some things. You don't like cooking, either.”
Their eyes meet.
“It's not really the same thing,” Yunho says.
“No, I guess not.” Changmin shrugs. “A husband can force you to cook. Sex wouldn't have the same meaning if he also forced you to catch.”
“That's taking it a little out of context,” Yunho says. “I mean, if he wanted me to, I could. It's not like I hate it.”
“But it bores you,” Changmin argues. “You don't enjoy it enough to want to do it at least every once in a while, and sex is supposed to be enjoyed.”
“Couples compromise all the time,” Yunho says.
“Boredom is not a compromise,” Changmin replies. “Your husband is going to be pissed if you yawn in the middle of it.”
“Why are we having an argument about my sex life?” Yunho asks.
“I don't know,” Changmin says. “Why are we having an argument about your sex life?”
Yunho touches his arm. “I think I want to tell you something.”
Changmin doesn't reply.
Yunho grazes a finger along the scar on his left forearm.
Changmin's gaze follows the movement.
Yunho clenches his fist.
Changmin's slap is probably just what Yunho has been needing all this time.
*
May 29, 2011
When they finally make it to the Avex building, delayed flight and popped tire behind them, they let their facade dissolve between them, and Changmin hugs Yunho.
It isn't so much a hug as it is a clutch of desperation, a lunge for stability. Such things as vulnerability and openness aren't simple gestures for Changmin. Yunho knows that.
“They won't hate us, will they?” Changmin whispers.
“No,” Yunho says. “Of course not.”
But they've lied to them before.
They open the door to meet the welcoming party of the manager and their three brothers, and they smile and act like they want to be here, and they look on hopefully. They wait for the conformation that these men haven't forgotten what they had when they were a family.
It doesn't come.
Changmin's hand reaches for Yunho's.
*
And now the show continues.
Part 2
2007
He's pretty. Not as pretty as Jaejoong, and nowhere close to Seokjin, but he's pretty in a cute, nineteen-year-old way. The moment their eyes meet, Yunho knows he wants him.
That's when he realizes that this probably isn't a phase.
The boy recognizes Yunho's attraction but second-guesses it. “I'm sorry,” he says, cheeks reddening. “I didn't mean to trip you, Yunho-ssi, I-”
“Your name?” Yunho asks, reckless. This passion is something he hasn't felt since Seokjin.
The boy grows shy, and Yunho's desire leaps up his spine. “Jiyun,” he says. “Lee Jiyun.”
Yunho drops his eyes to the photo-book in Jiyun's hands. “Who do you want to sign that?” he asks.
Jiyun glances at the book distractedly. “Oh,” he says. “Jaejoong-ssi...” He looks at Yunho. “If that isn't a problem. I can wait in line.”
Jaejoong. That isn't surprising. Yunho nods and glances over his shoulder at TVXQ's table, his four members grinning through grit teeth at the masses upon masses of the fan-meet's turn-out. Jaejoong, as the center of attention, looks like the only one actually enjoying himself.
Yunho turns back to Jiyun. “Want to meet him?”
Jiyun's eyes nearly bug out of his head.
The innocence raises Yunho's impatience.
Ignoring the boy's surprise, Yunho grab's Jiyun's wrist and leads him back to the table. Changmin turns first, then Yoochun, then Junsu, all curious at the strange boy's presence. Changmin appears more interested in Yunho's hold on Jiyun's wrist, but Yunho ignores him, too.
Jaejoong finishes his batch of autographs, and Yunho taps him on the shoulder. Jaejoong turns, eyes landing instantly on Jiyun. “Oh, hi,” he says, smiling. He looks at Yunho. “And this is...?”
“A fan,” Yunho says. He touches a hand to Jiyun's lower back and ushers him forward. “Lee Jiyun, meet Hero Jaejoong. Jaejoong, this is Jiyun. He'd like your autograph.”
Jiyun blanches. “Um-” He coughs. “Hello, Jaejoong-hyung.”
Jaejoong beams. “Hello, Jiyun-ah.”
Jiyun nearly faints on the spot.
Afterward, when Jiyun's book is signed and Jiyun has said more than three words to his idol, Yunho leads him away, out to Jiyun's ride. They stop when the car starts and its driver, Jiyun's sister, begins to spaz at the sight of Yunho standing beside her baby brother.
Jiyun looks at Yunho, fidgeting. “Thank you for that,” he says.
Yunho shrugs. “It was my pleasure.”
“But, no,” Jiyun says. He steps closer. “I really owe you one.”
Yunho considers that, looking him over. A PRIDE pin on the strap of his backpack. A rainbow wristband supporting his left wrist. Lots and lots of eyeliner. It's as if Santa Clause is rewarding Yunho for his celibacy.
“Then let me take you to dinner tomorrow night,” Yunho says.
*
Changmin slams into the bathroom, Yunho and Yoochun hot on his heels.
“It's not that big of a deal,” Yoochun says, but he looks guilty.
Changmin's sure the millions of girls a year that are assaulted the same way share those sentiments. “Get out,” is all he can really say, though. When Yoochun hesitates, surprised at Changmin's animosity, Changmin yells it again. “Get out, now!”
Yoochun looks at Yunho for guidance.
Changmin eyes Yunho in the mirror's reflection.
Yunho leans against the counter at Changmin's side. He nods at Yoochun.
Yoochun glances at Changmin a last time before obliging. The restroom door closes with slow swings.
“Are you okay?” Yunho asks when they're alone.
Changmin doesn't answer.
Yunho pushes off of the counter.
Changmin places a hand on Yunho's chest.
Yunho relaxes back into place.
The look in Yunho's eyes sets Changmin off. It isn't his confusion or his concern, it's the underlying emotion, the terror twinkling beneath everything else. The understanding of being used.
Changmin's act forfeits momentarily. “You get it, right?” he asks. “You know why this is so stupid. Why this is so... so inconsiderate and...”
Yunho frowns.
Changmin licks his lips. He gestures widely. “You, of all people,” he says, “understand why I'm so pissed. Why I have a right to be.”
Yunho doesn't follow, obviously, but he does nod.
Changmin lets free a bitter laugh, egged on by Yunho's confusion. “Just because it doesn't affect him,” he whispers incredulously, “he does this. Just because he isn't...” His fingers curl into the front of Yunho's shirt. “Just assuming that boys feel nothing for other boys.”
Something registers in Yunho's look. A hand closes over Changmin's, and Yunho pries it gently from his shirt. He holds it.
There's a security that comes with the gesture. Changmin is warmed by it.
“I doubt Jaejoong has had much experience with homosexuality,” Yunho tells him, every ounce the collected leader.
Changmin's anger fades.
“At our age, we just want attention.” Yunho squeezes Changmin's hand. “He was just being an ass to get a laugh out of the rest of us.”
Changmin shakes his head. “If I was a girl-”
“But you're not,” Yunho says.
Changmin looks at their hands.
“It's horrible,” Yunho says. “But it's... it's something that happens.”
“It's just a kiss,” Changmin whispers.
“That's all it takes,” Yunho replies.
When they finally make it out of the public restroom, dignities repaired and pretenses resumed, it's with a better understanding of each other, and Changmin catches a glimpse, though he'll later forget it, of what they would become in the years ahead.
*
2008
“Yunho, I'm not sure I can do this.”
Yunho glances away from the road to give Hanwoo a curious look. “Don't worry,” he says. “She'll like you.”
“That's not the problem,” Hanwoo says, then he pauses. “At least, it wasn't until now. Oh my god, she is going to hate me.”
Yunho squeezes Hanwoo's knee. “She'll love you,” he says, smiling. “Hopefully not as much as I do, though.”
Hanwoo's lip twitches in an effort to smile.
Yunho taps a finger on the steering wheel.
“I'm an anti-fan,” Hanwoo whispers. “I can't stand Jaejoong. Does she like Jaejoong?”
“She loves Jaejoong,” Yunho replies. “Hanwoo-yah, she'll love you. Just give her a chance.”
“But that's not it,” Hanwoo says. “Yunho, I... I think I'm going to be sick.”
Yunho pulls over to the side of the road, and Hanwoo spills out of the car. Yunho unbuckles and follows him to the median.
Hanwoo is crouched low to the ground, face in his hands. Yunho rubs a hand up and down his back. “Baby,” he soothes.
Hanwoo shakes his head. “I can't do this, Yunho,” he murmurs into his knees. “I just...” He raises his head when Yunho lowers to the ground. “I mean, your sister can't want someone like me for you. She wants you to be happy, raise a family.”
“We've only been dating for three and a half months,” Yunho reminds him.
Hanwoo tsks. “Yunho, I-My mother. She would never approve.”
Yunho drops his eyes.
“She wants grandchildren,” Hanwoo continues, “and I know we can have a family, but it'll be hard, and she wants a daughter-in-law. She wants what's best for me, and you're-” He stops.
Yunho rises to his feet.
“Yunho,” Hanwoo says, pushing off of the pavement.
“And I'm not what's best for you,” Yunho translates.
“Yunho, I love you,” Hanwoo says. “You know that, but it'll be hard, and I don't think I'll be able to do it if my family-”
“My sister will be fine,” Yunho says.
“But it's not what she wants for you,” Hanwoo says. “I just think that-”
“`We should break up?'” Yunho finishes.
Hanwoo is silent. A car zooms past them.
Yunho thinks for the first time that he might not like women at all.
*
When Yunho tells Changmin that he isn't gay, Changmin's chest nearly snaps in two. He isn't sure why; he's over his crush on the cool, formidable leader. It hurts, though. Low in his gut.
Yunho blinks at him from the other side of the cab. The driver turns up the radio to either provide them with some measure of privacy or drown them out.
“Why do you look so surprised?” Yunho asks with a shrug. “I'm really not. I just act cutesy on stage because I have no idea what else they want from me.” He looks out his window. “You have to give them something, you know?”
That rubs Changmin the wrong way. He brings his hands into his lap, eyebrows furrowing. “There's nothing wrong with it.”
Yunho's head snaps back to look at him. “I never said there was.”
“I know how religious you are,” Changmin says.
“It has nothing to do with that,” Yunho says. “There's nothing wrong with it, like you said.”
His face says differently, however, and Changmin clucks his tongue. It's only in his nature. He can't not argue when offered the opportunity. “Don't say things that you don't believe.”
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho looks appalled. “Don't tell me what I believe and what I don't. It's okay to be gay.”
“As long as they don't rub it in anyone's face, right?” Changmin asks through clenched teeth. “As long as they stay in their place?”
“Changmin-ah!”
It's the first time Changmin has ever discussed his sexuality. He isn't sure why he's discussing it now.
Yunho tugs at Changmin's sleeve. “Changmin-ah,” he calls, “look at me.”
Changmin looks out his window.
“All I said is that I'm straight,” Yunho says, frowning. “Why are you so mad?”
Because I'm not, Changmin replies mentally. He snorts.
He escapes when Yunho is paying the fare. He skips the elevator and takes the stares two at a time, and when Yunho knocks on his bedroom door two minutes after he closes it, Changmin simply slides to the floor.
He isn't sure why he raised the issue at all. Thinking Yunho's gay, knowing Yunho's gay; what does it matter?
He clenches at his chest as a foreign feeling washes over him.
Maybe he didn't want to know if Yunho is really gay or not. Maybe... Changmin finally wanted to tell someone that he is.
*
By the time Yunho realizes Jaejoong is his one and only, he's miles past the point of no return. He thought that Jaejoong's willfulness-his naiveté, his closed-mindedness-would be enough to turn Yunho off, but that only did the trick for the first five and a half years.
Yunho sighs, because Jaejoong is cooking, and he's going on and on about some S.M. drama-“and I know I'm not supposed to get involved, but if she'd just look at things from his side”-and Yunho wants him probably more than he wanted Jiyun, almost as much as he wanted Seokjin, and Jaejoong is one part off-limits, two parts Yunho's most innocent crush ever, but now Jaejoong is rubbing his nose and smiling at Yunho sheepishly, because in his excitement, Jaejoong walked square into a wall.
Well, fuck, Yunho concludes.
*
2009
Changmin is dying inside. She's nice and sweet and meets all of his mother's expectations, but Changmin just knows he's going to burst into tears at any moment, because the date is going too well. She looks hopeful, like he might be the one, and he's not. He's really not.
“What's your favorite Disney movie, Changmin-ssi?” she asks, because they've wandered onto the topic of American film, which they both happen to adore.
“That's a tough one,” he says. “Hercules, probably. Or Mulan.” He doesn't mention the wet dream he had about Hercules when he was twelve.
Her eyes widen. “I love Mulan!” She leans forward eagerly. “Oliver and Company is another one, though it's a bit obscure.”
Changmin's fork stops halfway to his mouth. “You know about Oliver and Company?”
She nods. “It's such a shame that it doesn't have the recognition of some of the others. It's message is so good, though.” She meets his gaze. “How about you, Changmin-ssi?”
Changmin knows that she only keeps saying his name so he'll ask her to drop the ssi. “I agree,” he says. He considers bringing up the feeling of being able to relate to a cat among dogs, but he dismisses the idea. The last thing they need is to bond over a tragic backstory that they'll definitely have in common. “I always loved that dog,” he says instead.
“Who wouldn't?” she asks, laughing. “It's Billy Joel!”
Changmin smiles into his wine glass. His mother has definitely done her research. This woman is pretty, well-read, well-spoken, well-rounded, and possesses enough wit to keep Changmin entertained for hours. It's not enough, though. Changmin just can't see it working out.
“Now, Queen,” she says, and Changmin freezes. She doesn't notice. “What's your favorite song? And, yes, there's a right answer.”
Changmin sees his chance. He wills himself to say “We Are the Champions,” just like everyone else, but he's a singer, and he could do without Freddie Mercury visiting him all Freddie Cruegar style in his bed tonight. “Bohemian Rhapsody,” he says, the most obvious thing in the world, and she flails a little in her seat.
“Correct!” she chirps.
Fuck me, Changmin curses privately.
“Changmin-ah.”
Changmin glances away from her at the new voice.
There Yoochun is, all designer clothing and white teeth, and Changmin is blinded a little by the sheer power of his charm.
Changmin pulls off his glasses; they've just fogged up, he's sure. “Hyung,” he says. “What are you doing here?”
“Nothing much,” Yoochun says, and he winks at Changmin's date.
She blushes.
A Yoochun fan. Changmin bites back a groan; they even have that in common.
“Afternoon, Yoochun-ssi,” she murmurs, breathless.
Changmin stares at her.
“Afternoon,” Yoochun says. He looks at Changmin. “I need to speak with you about something Yunho said.” His eyes lock with hers. “Mind if I borrow him a moment?”
“Oh, no,” she says.
Changmin slides out of his seat. “What is it?” he asks when they're out of earshot of the table. “What did Yunho say?”
Yoochun smiles at him. “No clue. Coffee?”
Changmin frowns.
Yoochun gets into line at the bar.
“Wait, hyung, I'm...” Changmin moves up the line with him. “I'm not really certain what's happening right now.”
Yoochun's smile doesn't budge. “Yeah, just keep looking at me like that,” he says, chuckling. “That wrinkle on your forehead makes this look like a real serious conversation.”
“What?” Changmin asks.
They reach the head of the line. “Caramel macchiato,” Yoochun tells the barista-slash-bartender. “I just thought you needed a break,” he says to Changmin as he rifles through his wallet. “You looked like you were having the date of your life.”
“Is that sarcasm?” Changmin asks, frown deepening.
“No, you did,” Yoochun says. He hands over the bills, then steps aside to wait for his drink, moving Changmin along with him. “But you, how should I say...” He gives Changmin a thoughtful look. “When you didn't look completely thrilled, you looked like you were going to cry.”
Changmin's face hardens into a look of complete horror.
Yoochun's face falls. “Kind of like that, yeah.” He places a hand on Changmin's shoulder. “Dude, breath. If you cry, I cry, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.”
Changmin forces a laugh at that. “Do you think she saw?” he asks.
“No,” Yoochun says. He sighs when the barista calls out his coffee. “What's the problem, man?”
Changmin knows she's watching their exchange. He turns his back on her, obstructing her view of Yoochun's profile. “She's perfect,” he says.
Yoochun sips at his macchiato. “Just not your kind of perfect?” he asks.
Not even close. Changmin shakes his head.
Yoochun pushes onto his tip-toes to look at her from over Changmin's shoulder.
Changmin glances at her, as well.
She waves at them patiently.
They wave back.
“Do you think she likes me?” Yoochun asks.
Changmin turns back to him. “Is that even a question?”
Yoochun laughs. “Maybe I could persuade her off your hands.”
“You'd do that?” Changmin asks, surprised.
“Of course,” Yoochun says. “And it's not like it's completely selfless. She is cute.”
“She is,” Changmin whispers, looking at her again.
“But not your kind of cute,” Yoochun reminds him.
Changmin laughs. “Are you really trying to help, or are you just taking advantage of the situation?”
Yoochun shrugs. “Call me an opportunist,” he says. He takes another sip of his coffee before handing the cup to Changmin. “Here, I'm on wooing mode now.”
Changmin takes the drink. “Oh, so you weren't when you came in?” he asks, teasing.
Yoochun merely winks and steps away, in full Casanova mode, and the jealousy hits like an anvil to a coyote.
Changmin tries not to drop the macchiato. Oh, dear god, no.
*
The suitcases are packed, the boxes are on the truck, and Yoochun is crying. Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu are now ready to leave and become JYJ.
Yunho watches them, firmly ignoring the dreadful stab of nausea chipping away at his insides.
Junsu won't let Changmin go. “Are you sure you'll be okay with just Yunho?” he's asking.
Changmin looks uncomfortable with Junsu's fingers curled around his forearm. He's nodding and mumbling, but he's so angry, and he looks at Yunho.
Yunho moves in and takes Changmin's other hand. “We'll be fine,” he says.
Changmin presses closer.
“But neither of you really cook,” Junsu argues, stressed wrinkles clawing at the corners of his eyes. He doesn't want to leave Changmin behind.
Yunho knows it's too late for that.
Yoochun tries to wipe his eyes and manage a modicum composure, but his tears will not subside, and he gives up, throwing his arms around Changmin, then Yunho. Changmin stiffens under the embrace. Yunho squeezes Yoochun back.
Jaejoong is decidedly stoic, but after he hugs Changmin, he falls to pieces in Yunho's arms. Yunho holds him close, secretly wanting to comfort him in so many more ways than this.
“We'll come back,” Jaejoong murmurs, and he touches Yunho's cheek. “Once everything is done, we'll come back, and it'll be as if nothing ever happened.”
Yunho nods.
But when they go, Changmin hits Yunho on the chest. “They won't,” he says, seething.
Yunho rubs his front gingerly.
“They'll go,” Changmin says. “They'll love it more than they love us, and they won't come back.”
*
2010
They ambush them in front of the theater.
“Shim Changmin!” one shouts. “Shim Changmin, a statement please!”
Kyuhyun curses and grabs Changmin's arm. Changmin backs into him. “We need to go,” Kyuhyun shouts into BoA's ear.
BoA nods. “Come on, Changmin-ah,” she says, taking his hand into hers. “Let's-”
“How does it feel to know that you've been abandoned?” another yells, pushing through the others. “How are you taking the breakup?”
Kyuhyun tries to hold the reporter back as BoA pulls Changmin down the sidewalk.
Changmin clutches his bag closer to his side.
“Is there any contempt?” a third asks, farther back in the crowd. “Please, Changmin, just one statement!”
Kyuhyun bodily shoves both Changmin and BoA into the nearest hotel.
The receptionist hops to her feet when the door swings closed, but they aren't interested in her. They watch, accustomed but disturbed, as the window-paned front wall is flooded with cameras and black suits.
Changmin falls behind his sunbaes, breath catching; this scene is cut straight from a Steven King novel.
“This is private property,” Kyuhyun assures him.
Changmin doesn't care.
The receptionist points them towards the lounge area before moving to the door. She opens it and steps out.
“She'll deal with it,” BoA tells Changmin.
Changmin turns away. He places a hand on his throat.
Kyuhyun takes him by the elbow. “Let's sit down.” He nods at a table. “They have water.”
BoA pours a glass, offers it to Changmin.
Changmin bends forward.
“Breath, Changmin-ah,” Kyuhyun tells him. “This isn't anything that we haven't dealt with twenty million times before.”
BoA stands at a distance, still holding the glass. She looks scared.
Changmin wants to ask her why. He manages a rasp, but that's all, and it scares him.
“He's really pale,” BoA whispers.
Kyuhyun nods. “Come on, let's sit down,” he suggests.
He tries to lead Changmin forward, but Changmin feels claustrophobic. He forces himself out of Kyuhyun's grasp.
“Changmin-ah-”
I'm fine, Changmin tries to say. He gasps, then gasps again. He flushes even further. He feels light-headed.
“He's panicking,” someone says. “Changmin-ah, come, sit down-”
And he crumbles.
He's out for no more than two seconds, but it's long enough for them to have him on the couch.
“I'm calling Yunho,” Kyuhyun says from somewhere near.
“Call an ambulance,” BoA tells him, panic-stricken, sitting at Changmin's side. “I'll call Yunho.”
Then Changmin's consciousness is officially swallowed in darkness.
Vasovagal syncope, the doctor calls it. Changmin asks Yunho to never mention the name to him outside of the hospital.
*
2011
Yunho doesn't tell Changmin what's happening. He just pops some popcorn, makes some coffee, and pulls one of those Little Debbie things that Changmin likes out of the secret stash. When he plops onto the couch at Changmin's side, Little Debbie in hand, Changmin asks. Leave it to Changmin to always ask.
“Let's watch Heaven's Postman,” Yunho says.
Changmin pauses his video game.
A year and half, and it's still too soon. Changmin won't say it, but he gives Yunho that look of his, and Yunho smiles mysteriously.
“Okay,” Changmin says.
Neither of them can watch the movie for what it is, because Jaejoong is who he is. He's running and talking and moving and loving.
Yunho takes the next available pause in dialogue, eyes fastened to Jaejoong's picture. “Changmin, I'm gay.”
Changmin looks at him.
The tears are immediate. Yunho fumbles for something to hold onto, because he's not used to crying. Changmin grabs his hand.
“It's okay, hyung,” Changmin says.
Yunho cries harder.
“Shh.” Changmin pulls him close, arms wrapping around Yunho's torso. “It's okay. It's really okay.”
The movie continues to play. The popcorn is forgotten. The cake is half-eaten.
“I still love you,” Changmin whispers into Yunho's ear. “So please, shh.”
*
Changmin bites his lip the day Yunho is finally fed up with all of it.
“Perfect,” Yunho is saying, throwing the newspaper onto the table. His coffee sloshes a little as he takes a disgruntled sip. “They pity me.”
“JYJ?” Changmin asks. He grimaces. “They're trying, at least.”
Yunho sighs. “If Avex doesn't want me, fine, but if they don't want me-”
“They do.”
“-then they shouldn't pretend that they-” Yunho startles, blinking at Changmin. “Sorry,” he says.
Changmin stirs his coffee.
“I know I'm being an ass,” Yunho says. He rubs his neck. “I just... feel kind of alone, I guess. Starting to wonder why I came out in the first place.”
“You have me,” Changmin says, not lifting his gaze.
Yunho shrugs. “Yeah, but you don't know,” he says. “You don't get it.”
Changmin's stirring quickens. “... Actually, hyung,” he mumbles. “I think I might.”
Yunho doesn't hear him. “I'm sorry.” He leans forward. “What did you say?”
Changmin dances his fingers along the handle of his mug. “I said I do know,” he says, louder. “I...” He meets Yunho's eyes. His eyes drop back to his coffee. “I just... know.”
Yunho lifts from his seat. “Changmin-ah...”
Changmin's stirring stops. He fights the urge to curl himself into the pocket of the sugar rack.
“Are you saying...” Yunho steps up to his side. “Changmin-ah, are you gay, too?”
Changmin hides his face in his hands.
Yunho drops to his haunches beside Changmin's chair. “You don't have to be scared,” he says, touching Changmin's wrist.
Changmin peeks at him through the gaps between his fingers.
Yunho smiles at him, warm and reassuring. “You know that it's okay, don't you?” he asks, chuckling.
Changmin swallows the lump in his throat. “I've known since I was nine, but-”
Yunho stares at him. “Since you were nine?”
Changmin practically tackles him to the ground. His arms are around Yunho's neck, and his legs are straddling Yunho's lap, and his nose is buried in Yunho's shoulder, but he doesn't cry. He only shakes.
Yunho wraps his arms around Changmin's waist. “Feel like you're going to faint at all?” he whispers.
Changmin shakes his head.
*
He can't call with his cellphone, because she won't pick up if she knows it's him, so Changmin convinces him to give the payphone a shot.
He stares at it, coffee to-go cup in hand. Just a while longer, he convinces himself. He doesn't want to rush things.
She'll understand. She'll be angry, but in time, she'll... she'll love him anyway.
He throws his empty cup in the trash, enters the booth. Three coins. Three rings.
Pick up. Silence.
Yunho's breath shudders. “Umma?” he murmurs.
*
Changmin reaches for his cell, pauses, and drops his hand.
Maybe she'll call him. Yeah, maybe that's how it'll go.
He considers the thought, tries to believe it, but he's too practical to be delusional. He picks up the phone, presses dial; panics, presses cancel. He throws the mobile onto the chair across from him.
He cries. And cries, and cries.
*
It's too soon. Sure, they're both gay, but they've thought of each other as straight and as brothers for too long, and forcing the romance is as difficult as it is exhausting.
So they explode.
“Why can't I be angry?” Changmin asks a week after they become official. “Why can't I be a little unreasonable?”
“You can be anything,” Yunho says, trying to remain calm and collected. “But you need to be a little more tactful. That's all I'm saying.”
“Oh, fuck tactful,” Changmin mutters. He stands up, throws a dish into the sink. “I won't stay in my place.”
“I'm not saying that,” Yunho tells him, surprised.
“Yes,” Changmin argues, "you are." He turns on who is supposed to be the love of his life. “You want me to keep quiet. Mind my words.”
“Baby.” Yunho tries to grab Changmin's hand, but Changmin yanks out of reach, and it hurts. “Baby, come on,” he says, quieter.
“No,” Changmin says. “They want us to be open about who we are. About our love lives, about our pasts, because we're interesting. But we can't say we have issues with them. We can't stick up for ourselves.”
“Changmin-ah.” Yunho sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“How can you not have a fight?” Changmin splutters, incredulous. “Aren't you passionate about anything? At all?”
“What?” Yunho asks. “That goes without-We have to think about our image. About sales.”
“We don't have an image anymore,” Changmin says. “Nor do we have sales.”
“What about JYJ's image, then?” Yunho asks, and Changmin scoffs. “They're taking us back, even with this.”
“`Even with this,'” Changmin parrots. He glares at Yunho, anger rising. “That's suggesting that they have the option of rejecting us because we're gay.”
“I think anyone has that option,” Yunho says.
“You're the one who says they still love us,” Changmin says.
Yunho sighs again.
“You're too serious,” Changmin tells him, shaking his head. “It was this way before, too. Whenever anyone stepped out of line to do the right thing, you just yelled at them.”
“We're a band before anything else,” Yunho says.
“We're human beings before anything else,” Changmin says.
Yunho closes his mouth.
“You act like we're pests.” Changmin watches as Yunho pulls out a chair and takes a seat. “Whenever we do something just for the sake of doing it. It's like you don't get it.”
Yunho doesn't say anything, only holds Changmin's gaze.
Changmin sighs this time. “You came out, but other than that, you're just... the same.” He leans forward and pecks Yunho on the lips. “This isn't working.”
Yunho drops his eyes.
“I'm sorry,” Changmin says.
Yunho doesn't even fight it. It's just too soon.
*
“Did you have any crushes, hyung?”
Yunho lifts his eyes from the shoe he's tying. They're backstage, redressing after a variety show event.
Changmin smiles.
It's been a week since their breakup, and they're back to normal. Well, mostly.
“Crushes, boyfriends,” Changmin says. “You know, romance.”
“I had a boyfriend,” Yunho says. “Or four.”
Changmin stares at him. “Four?” he echoes.
“Well, two.” Yunho returns to his task. “The other two were my first love and a fling. Ended before they began.”
“But you've had sex with all four of them,” Changmin says, buttoning his pants. The question is merely implied.
Yunho nods. “You?” he asks.
Changmin shrugs. “I haven't had anyone, besides you.” He fiddles with his belt. “My first love never knew.”
Yunho looks at him carefully. “No crushes, then?”
Changmin blushes. “Besides you and Kevin, only one.”
Yunho straightens. “One?”
Changmin hesitates.
“Oh, come on.” Yunho spreads his arms wide. “I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
“Should we write them down on color-coded paper and pass them to each other during history class?” Changmin asks dryly.
Yunho gives him a look.
Changmin twists his mouth. “... Yoochun.”
Yunho laughs. It's reflexive and in complete, horrid form, but Yunho just cracks up.
Changmin glares at him. “It's not funny.”
Yunho clenches his stomach. “I'm sorry, I just-” He tries to compose himself. “You're after TVXQ's Casanova, and-”
“Every woman on earth is in love with him,” Changmin talks over him. “Why can't I be?”
“It's just funny for really stupid reasons,” Yunho says, wiping a tear.
“And who's yours then?” Changmin asks, defensive. “Is he better? More available?”
“He's worse.” Yunho sobers with a last few chuckles. “It's Jaejoong.”
Changmin's reaction is better; he snorts. “Oh, come on.”
“I know,” Yunho says. He smiles and rolls his eyes at himself. “Go ahead, let me have it.”
Yunho can tell that Changmin wants to, but Changmin holds it back with obvious effort. “It's... okay,” he says.
“Oh, `okay?'” Yunho asks, grinning with amused disbelief. “Since when is anything just okay with you?”
“Well, I-” Changmin glances at a pair of giggling hairstylists across the room. “I know what it's like to have an unrequited crush. I had one on you for awhile, and by the way-” He frowns at Yunho. “You broke my heart when you told me you were straight.”
Yunho pauses, water bottle halfway to his mouth. “You liked me then?”
Changmin looks at his bag as he checks to make sure nothing's missing from it. “No. I don't think so.”
Yunho takes a sip of water.
“I would just expect you to like someone a little less expected,” Changmin says, changing the subject. “I mean, YunJae? That's kinda... predictable.”
Yunho looks affronted. “And YooMin is unpredictable?”
Changmin quirks an eyebrow. “Isn't it?”
“Well, yeah,” Yunho says. He looks away. “And you being gay is-I could've taken our relationship more seriously, you know.”
Changmin squeaks as his bag falls out of his grip. “Uh.” He blushes, bending to retrieve it. “Hyung, what?”
“I just find it difficult to move on,” Yunho says. “After a crush. I mean, especially on Jaejoong. I've liked him for two and a half years.”
“I've liked Yoochun for two,” Changmin says quietly. “I never really tried getting over him, though.”
“I haven't been able to get over Jaejoong because I can't,” Yunho says. “It's an on and off thing with him. I'll get over him for a month, but then he does something extremely stupid, and I'm head over heels again.”
Changmin's look unnerves Yunho.
“It's probably not as bad with Yoochun,” Yunho says, turning away.
“Well, no,” Changmin says. He glances again at the hairstylists. “Do you want to go somewhere else?”
"We have to wait for the car,” Yunho says.
Changmin folds his arms across his chest. “Well, it's been a couple years since my psychology courses but...” He leads Yunho towards a bench. “Let's sit down.”
“I don't need a shrink,” Yunho says, frowning.
“Of course you don't,” Changmin says. “Now sit down.”
Yunho sits.
“You're probably one of those people who needs to date someone to get over them,” Changmin says. “Or at the very least have sex with them.”
“But I can't.” Yunho runs a hand through his hair.
“In theory, no,” Changmin agrees. He pats Yunho's back sympathetically.
*
“How 'bout this.”
Changmin tries not to squeal. He was just reading a few chapters, minding his own business, when Yunho leaned over him from behind the couch. Changmin places a hand over his chest, heartbeat thundering.
Yunho comes around to sit beside him. “But, Changmin-ah, I have an idea.”
“Have you been drinking?” Changmin asks, noting the flush in Yunho's cheeks. “Hyung, are you okay? You never drink.”
“I've figured it out,” Yunho says, as if Changmin hasn't said a word. “A way for us to date them without dating them.”
“What?” Changmin asks. He snaps his novel closed.
“Jaejoong and Yoochun.” Yunho bounces excitedly. “Let's be them for each other.”
“What?” Changmin repeats.
“I'll be Yoochun for you,” Yunho says, lifting his right hand, then he lifts his other. “And you'll be Jaejoong for me.”
“Oh my god.” Changmin turns to him and places his hands on Yunho's shoulders. “Did you hit your head after drinking? How many of me are you seeing?”
“Five,” Yunho replies. “But the point is that it could work.”
“No, it couldn't.” Changmin sighs, touching Yunho's cheek. “We're not going to... use each other that way. That's obsessive and kind of unhealthy.”
“It's only until we get over them, though,” Yunho says. “I need to date Jaejoong to get over him, and this is the only way I can do it.”
“Obsessive lover,” Changmin mutters to himself.
“What?” Yunho asks.
“Nothing,” Changmin says. “But this is still insane, I-” He pictures it, against his will; dating Yoochun even in this asinine way. His heart flutters. “We're not doing this, hyung,” he whispers, waving away the image.
“It won't last long,” Yunho argues. “Just until we're over them.” He grabs Changmin's arm. “Please, Changmin-ah, I... I need this. I'm tired of watching you wait for him.”
Changmin drops his book.
“Rule one would be to not let the other be alone with his crush,” Yunho says, and he's alarmingly sober now. “I wouldn't let you be alone with Yoochun. You wouldn't let me be alone with Jaejoong.”
Changmin turns to him. “Hyung, how the hell do you know that I'm waiting?”
“Second rule,” Yunho says. “We just play our parts, taking turns. Maybe every two days.”
“So we can go to sleep and wake up with-” Changmin shakes his head and climbs off the couch. “No, I'm not listening to this. How did you even notice something like--”
“Third rule,” Yunho says, remaining in his seat. He huffs when Changmin puts his hands over his ears. “We don't fucking delude ourselves.”
Changmin's hands drop to his sides, and he turns to Yunho.
Yunho's eyes are cold, like the day they first met. “We take steps to get over them,” he says. “We make sure that that's what we're doing. We don't have weak moments where we let them walk all over us. We stick together.”
“I don't think they're malicious,” Changmin says.
“But they don't know what they do to us,” Yunho whispers. "Yoochun doesn't know that you're just watching him be happy. That you need to move on."
Changmin doesn't know how to respond. He takes a moment of consideration. He re-approaches the sofa.
Yunho looks up at him hopefully.
Changmin sighs. “You need this, I don't, and I don't know how you saw any of that, but...” He nods. “Okay.” He sits down. "Okay."
Yunho starts to smile.
“But a fourth rule,” Changmin says, an afterthought. “No sex.”
Yunho laughs. “No problem.”
*
The fourth rule doesn't last long.
Neither of them expected the arrangement to last longer than a few days, given it's obsessive nature, but two weeks in, they're kissing, and Yunho is pushing Changmin down on the bed.
Yunho is trying to hold himself back, because it's Changmin's turn, and they aren't supposed to go much further.
Changmin isn't stopping him, though. He's encouraging, even leads the kiss a little, urging Yunho to let go.
Yunho tries to think of what Yoochun would do. It proves difficult, of course; the thought of Yoochun even suggesting sex is a major turn off.
Changmin shifts under Yunho's weight. “Yunho-yah,” he whispers.
Yunho mouths at his neck.
“Yunho,” Changmin says, “I want... I want you to go on.”
That changes things. Yunho stills. “You're a virgin.”
“It doesn't matter,” Changmin says.
Yunho climbs off of him. “Changmin-ah.”
“Hyung.” Changmin sits up.
“It matters,” Yunho says. “It's your first time.”
“It's not like I'm a girl,” Changmin says, frowning. “It's not like I'm getting my cherry popped or anything.”
Yunho stares at him. “It's still personal,” he says. “Whether you top or bottom, you're still being vulnerable with someone else.”
Changmin scoffs. Yunho can see his frustration rising. “Dude, I had this conversation with my dad when I was in the fifth grade-”
“I don't want to do what Jaejoong did to you,” Yunho says.
Changmin studies his face.
Yunho couldn't bear to see Changmin look like that again. It isn't like Yunho, anyway; taking what isn't his just because it's convenient, for his benefit more than Changmin's. Jaejoong at least had the excuse of not knowing, but Yunho knows.
“I'm not really Yoochun, you know,” Yunho says.
Changmin touches Yunho's chest. He licks his lips. “This thing is stupid,” he says.
Yunho smiles.
“It's grade school denial, if we think about it, and we'd have to be clinically insane to actually be thinking of Yoochun or Jaejoong right now.” Changmin shrugs one shoulder. “I know it's you, hyung. I'm not actually crazy.”
Yunho looks at him a moment, then his smile broadens. “Is that a go-ahead?”
“Yes,” Changmin says, rolling his eyes. “Just do it.”
“I don't know,” Yunho says, skeptical. “Maybe we should-”
Changmin kisses him.
It's a little like deja vu, with the little things that remind Yunho of Seokjin, but unlike Seokjin, Changmin has no idea what they're doing. The innocence surprises Yunho. He would think Changmin would be at least marginally more educated on the subject of sex.
But all is well. Changmin does as he's instructed, and he's enjoying himself. Changmin is rather loud, so Yunho is well aware that he's enjoying himself.
They only slip up once.
“Hyung,” Changmin says when Yunho enters. “Hyung, I-” But it's just the once.
Afterwards, Changmin lays on his front, smothered in the bedspread, and Yunho is sitting against the headboard.
“It's nice knowing that we stick to our word,” Yunho says, grinning.
Changmin's laugh is muffled.
“You're really innocent, aren't you?” Yunho asks.
Changmin's shoulder twitches. “I've watched porn,” he says. He lifts his head. “I've watched a lot of porn. I just forgot all the information the moment before we started kissing.”
Yunho chuckles and kisses Changmin's shoulder.
Changmin hums. He sits up and relaxes against the headboard. “How about you?” he asks.
“Me?” Yunho asks.
Changmin nods, stretching his arms above his head. “Your virginity,” he says. “Anal virginity, I guess. I mean, you've obviously had sex.”
“Oh,” Yunho says. “I've bottomed a couple of times, but it's not really my thing.”
Funnily enough, Changmin doesn't question that, which Yunho finds odd. All of his exes asked for his reasons, as if it was their right to know exactly why he didn't like spreading his legs.
“So if this happens again,” Changmin says, “you're going to top? Every time?”
“If that's okay,” Yunho says. He looks Changmin up and down, a little put off.
“I don't mind.” Changmin scratches his head. “That just sounds a little exhausting.” He looks at Yunho. “I don't want you doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.”
Yunho's eyes drop to Changmin's hands, hugging Changmin's knees. “It's just not a vulnerability I like displaying.”
“You don't have to explain it to me,” Changmin says. “Some people don't like doing some things. You don't like cooking, either.”
Their eyes meet.
“It's not really the same thing,” Yunho says.
“No, I guess not.” Changmin shrugs. “A husband can force you to cook. Sex wouldn't have the same meaning if he also forced you to catch.”
“That's taking it a little out of context,” Yunho says. “I mean, if he wanted me to, I could. It's not like I hate it.”
“But it bores you,” Changmin argues. “You don't enjoy it enough to want to do it at least every once in a while, and sex is supposed to be enjoyed.”
“Couples compromise all the time,” Yunho says.
“Boredom is not a compromise,” Changmin replies. “Your husband is going to be pissed if you yawn in the middle of it.”
“Why are we having an argument about my sex life?” Yunho asks.
“I don't know,” Changmin says. “Why are we having an argument about your sex life?”
Yunho touches his arm. “I think I want to tell you something.”
Changmin doesn't reply.
Yunho grazes a finger along the scar on his left forearm.
Changmin's gaze follows the movement.
Yunho clenches his fist.
Changmin's slap is probably just what Yunho has been needing all this time.
*
May 29, 2011
When they finally make it to the Avex building, delayed flight and popped tire behind them, they let their facade dissolve between them, and Changmin hugs Yunho.
It isn't so much a hug as it is a clutch of desperation, a lunge for stability. Such things as vulnerability and openness aren't simple gestures for Changmin. Yunho knows that.
“They won't hate us, will they?” Changmin whispers.
“No,” Yunho says. “Of course not.”
But they've lied to them before.
They open the door to meet the welcoming party of the manager and their three brothers, and they smile and act like they want to be here, and they look on hopefully. They wait for the conformation that these men haven't forgotten what they had when they were a family.
It doesn't come.
Changmin's hand reaches for Yunho's.
*
And now the show continues.