No More Secrets (part 2)
Part 1: Here
Part 2
It was the wrong chord. Yoochun's nostrils flared. “No, it isn't,” he said. “He considers Yunho's feelings all the time.”
“Not when it comes to the lawsuit,” Changmin pointed out. “Jaejoong is stubborn when he thinks he's doing the right thing. So are you.”
Yoochun didn't take well to that, either. “The lawsuit was for all five of us.”
Changmin scoffed.
That would have been the last straw had Yoochun not turned away and reminded himself of who he was speaking with. He pressed a palm to his forehead.
Changmin was silent for a bit, then a quiet, “I said you wouldn't like what I have to say.”
Touché. Yoochun turned back to him with a clear of his throat. “I don't know why you would think differently,” he said, voice as level as he could manage, “but we had you two in mind when filing.”
“Good for you,” Changmin said. “Now please respect my right to see things in a separate light.”
Yoochun sighed. “Well, we're here, so shoot.”
Changmin didn't hesitate this time; the only problem he seemed to have was with what to say first. “What did you think I'd say if you came to me before you filed?” he asked.
Yoochun wasn't expecting that. “You would've disapproved,” he said.
“You know that now,” Changmin said, “but what about then?”
Yoochun didn't have an answer for that.
Changmin looked disgusted. “I see.” He looked away. “So, it really was because I'm the youngest.”
“I don't think that was it,” Yoochun said, bothered. “You were already close to Yunho. Not as close as you are now, but he was already going around calling you his best friend.”
Confusion softened Changmin's stance. “I thought I was closer to you,” he said.
Yoochun gave him an odd look.
“No, I know I was,” Changmin said. “And Junsu was the one I always played around with.”
“But Yunho...” Yoochun said.
Changmin frowned. “This isn't high school. It's not like Yunho and I sat down and make a blood pact or anything.”
Yoochun coughed.
“What is with you and Yunho, anyway?” Changmin asked. “God, it's like you're out for his blood or something. He doesn't have anything to do with the lawsuit, either. You didn't bring him into it 'cause he would've been against it, right?”
“Yeah,” Yoochun said.
“That's bullshit,” Changmin said. “He's the leader. You could have at least run it by him.”
“Jaejoong said that he would've tried to change our minds,” Yoochun said. “He said that he mentioned it, but Yunho said that a lawsuit would be a really bad idea.”
“Of course he did-he's Yunho. My point is that you didn't try to discuss it with us. You just tried to convince us.”
Yoochun shrugged. “We thought we were right.”
“Like I said, stubborn,” Changmin muttered, rolling his eyes. “You tried to persuade us after getting a lawyer on your own, and when we said we didn't like the idea, you filed anyway. That's not discussion. That's not taking our feelings into account.”
“But we did,” Yoochun iterated. “We did it for all of us.”
Changmin's eyes flashed. “Have you actually convinced yourselves of that?” he asked. “God, hyung, you don't see what's right in front of you.”
Changmin's anger was flaring again. This time, however, Yoochun was too upset to calm him back down.
“You didn't do anything that had to do with either me or Yunho,” Changmin said, voice rising. “We don't care that you sued, but it kills us when you say that it was for all of us. Jaejoong said Yunho doesn't understand doing something for the sake of doing it. That he can't understand doing something for the soul, something that you can do with no regrets even if no good comes out of it. But let me tell you something you don't understand: You made that decision as JYJ, not TVXQ, not with the two of us in mind.”
Yoochun's response was reduced to a mere stare.
Changmin wasn't finished. “You don't get to dictate what's best for us. We're grown men, and we were grown men two years ago. We trusted you to trust us, but you took our opinions for shit and decided that we didn't know what we were talking about.” He scowled and glanced at the view before re-locking his gaze with Yoochun's. “I'm sorry, but I already have a father who `knows best.' I don't need three more.”
Yoochun nearly interrupted, but he kept his jaw firmly shut. Changmin was emotional in an odd, composed sense. He was both pulled together and a complete mess. In control and swept down-under. It was his eyes. So intense.
“If you had told us that you were going to file no matter what we said, but we could either join you or support you from a distance, we would have been okay with that,” Changmin said once he'd caught his breath. “Still sad, but okay. Maybe the separation wouldn't have hurt as much as it did.”
Realization sparked. “You were never angry about the lawsuit,” Yoochun said.
“Bingo,” Changmin said.
Yoochun dropped his eyes. “The separation was hard on us, too, you know.”
Changmin sighed. “Okay.”
“It was,” Yoochun said. “We missed you guys so much.”
Changmin wasn't looking at him. “Then I'm sorry.”
Yoochun's brow wrinkled.
“I'm sorry for not agreeing to the lawsuit,” Changmin said. He pulled another cigarette from his pocket. “I'm sorry that I got angry instead.”
“Please don't do that.” Yoochun snatched the cigarette from Changmin's hand. “Don't just stand there and give in.”
“What do you want from me?” Changmin asked. “You're getting angry at my honesty, but now you're upset when I try to curb it. I don't want to talk about this.”
“How was it on your end?” Yoochun asked, anyway.
Changmin sighed, reclaimed his cigarette, placed it between Yoochun's lips, lit it, and Yoochun breathed in and breathed out.
“We waited,” Changmin said. “For a really, really long time. You were struggling with everything you were being slammed with, and we were angry for you, but you were so happy. You and Jaejoong and Junsu, always smiling and so happy to be free. I think we knew you wouldn't come back. It wasn't a complete shock when you didn't, but there was at least something to hold onto. Yunho, especially. `I know them,' he said. `They said they'd come back.'” Changmin wet his lips. “We weren't aloud to contact you. To talk about you. To mention you in public. It was all very militant, in a way.”
“We missed you guys,” Yoochun repeated.
Changmin nodded. “Jaejoong-hyung made that clear enough, as did Junsu. It wasn't that we thought you abandoned us. It was that you didn't trust us. Yunho was the one who took that the hardest, I think. You should trust a leader. You really should.” Changmin took the cigarette from Yoochun's mouth, took a drag, and placed it back. “We knew that if we were ever going to be back together again, we would have to come to you.”
Yoochun was close to tears, but he held it in, hid it behind his nod, because he'd never known. The things Changmin was holding inside.
Yoochun rolled the cigarette between his fingers. “I think you understood why we sued.”
“I agreed with you,” Changmin said. “Our contracts were a little unfair, and I agreed that they needed to be changed, but I didn't agree with suing. It seemed a little drastic, and Jaejoong was the one who came up with the idea, and that scared me. Jaejoong has to honestly be the last person I would follow to the gates of Hell.”
Yoochun nodded.
Changmin hummed. “I would've been okay with joining the lawsuit. Yunho wouldn't have. He wouldn't know what to do with it. But we decided to move in anyway. We wanted to see you.” He sighed. “We both would've joined, but Yunho came out.”
Yoochun fiddled with the cigarette: U-Know Yunho Reveals His Darkest Secret. “Yeah,” he said. “That was pretty surprising.”
Changmin laughed. “That really gets me, because it was so unexpected. I used to think the same thing, that Yunho didn't have it in him to do what was best for the soul, but I have never respected him more for what he's done. He never even mentioned it. He just called me one afternoon, asked what I'd like him to bring home for dinner, and said, `and by the way, I just came out on that talk show I was just on. Check out the news later.'” Changmin scoffed and turned to the city. “`And by the way...'” He chuckled, but the sound was sad. “Coming out of the closet is difficult. It's really the hardest... scariest thing I've ever done. But Yunho just did it. No planning. No support. He risked everything.” Changmin grimaced. “He lost everything.”
Yoochun frowned but didn't ask. He handed over the cigarette.
Changmin didn't hand it back. “I've known since I was nine,” he said. “I don't know if I ever hated myself for it. It was so long ago. I knew it was different. I never thought it was wrong, though, I mean, it came so natural to me. But after a while, I knew to hide it. I never wanted to come out. I don't know what I wanted.”
Yoochun stepped closer and took Changmin's hand.
Changmin smiled at him. “I did it for Yunho. He didn't want me to, but everyone was saying such awful things about him. I couldn't just watch that. So I held a press conference.” He squeezed Yoochun's hand. “Yunho really deserves more credit than we give him. He's really strong. You might be upset that he didn't jump on the lawsuit-bandwagon, but try to understand that Yunho and I have been fighting our own demons since we were teenagers. When living double-lives, things like contracts and entertainment companies don't really match up.”
They fell into a quiet lull as Changmin smoked off the rest of the cigarette and Yoochun pondered whether it was his turn to speak or not.
Apparently, it wasn't.
“Yunho and I want more than anything to move on with our lives,” Changmin said, watching Tokyo dance below them. “That includes putting SM Entertainment behind us. We don't want revenge, we just want to forget about it.”
Yoochun scratched his temple. “What if we were suing because they fired you?”
“Then I wouldn't have forgotten a court date,” Changmin returned instantly.
Yoochun hid a smile.
Changmin sighed. “Settle, don't settle; Yunho has his opinions, I have mine.” He looked at Yoochun. “You have our support no matter what you do, but just know that we have no interest in stepping onto that playing field. We'll cheer you on, but we don't want to play.”
“Okay,” Yoochun said. He chewed on his bottom lip. “But Yunho seems really hell-bent on settling.”
“That's true,” Changmin said. “Because we decided to take things into our own hands, Yunho and I are hated by over half the world's population. Jaejoong seems almost desperate to get things back to what they used to be, but that isn't possible. The three of you have only just adjusted to us being different from how you remember us. You were all pretty distant in the beginning.”
“That wasn't because you were gay,” Yoochun said. “We had our reasons.”
“You know,” Changmin said, “that really doesn't excuse a damn thing. You were cruel, hyung, no matter how you slice it. Yunho wants something different. He wants proof that we're going somewhere as a family, not just as JYJ and Company.”
Yoochun grimaced and scratched the back of his head.
“There is one thing I don't quite understand, though.” Changmin turned toward him completely. “I don't get why you're holding on so hard.”
“`Holding on?'” Yoochun parroted.
“Yeah,” Changmin said. “I thought Yunho was called in because you missed a court date.”
“He was,” Yoochun said.
Changmin quirked an eyebrow.
Oh, that was his point. “... I'm sorry?” Yoochun said.
Changmin rolled his eyes and turned back to the view. “If you want to apologize, save it for yourself.”
Yoochun returned to the railing, eyes on Changmin.
“It's your fight,” Changmin said, “and you let it get away from you. That's a big deal.”
“Oh,” Yoochun said.
Changmin clucked his tongue. “`Oh?' Hyung, that's not just something you can sweep under the rug. You should have been counting down the days to that trial, and if not you, then Jaejoong, then Junsu. One of you should have had the piece of mind to think, `Yay, we're going to court tomorrow.'”
“Jaejoong forgot to tell us,” Yoochun said. He watched his fingers tap along the railing.
“That's just my point,” Changmin said, exasperated. “You should have asked. The lawsuit should be one of your top priorities, but you all went an entire week without realizing that you missed something. You probably would have gone longer if Yunho hadn't brought it up.”
Yoochun turned away. “We're kind of distracted right now.”
“You're preoccupied with your feelings for me.”
Yoochun turned back.
Changmin wasn't even blushing, he was so serious. “And Jaejoong,” he added. “He's distracted by realizing who he is. Junsu is burdened with TVXQ, or with what it used to be. I get it. I'm not condemning you guys for thinking about things that are kind of hard to think about. But it's your fight.”
Yoochun was silent.
“As an activist, I can't understand that,” Changmin said. “You're clinging to something that hasn't crossed your mind in weeks.”
Yoochun sighed. “So you agree with Yunho.”
Changmin shrugged. “Speaking as an activist, I've learned that when your fight gets away from you, it's time to find a new one, and I'm not completely convinced that the lawsuit is as important to you as it used to be. I think you just want it to be.”
Yoochun wasn't sure if he was supposed to be offended by that.
“I'm sorry,” Changmin said, grimacing. “That was kind of brutal.”
Yoochun waved off the apology.
Changmin watched him for a second, then, “You're clinging to the past, hyung. You all are. Jaejoong wanting things to go back to what they were before, Junsu wanting Yunho and me to be who we used to be, you wanting to stay angry at SM instead of falling into indifference. Yunho and I don't want any of that. We came out of the closet so we could move forward, not back.”
Yoochun looked at his shoes.
Changmin gave him a smile, but it didn't look very genuine. “Sure, things don't get easier when you come out. They only get worse. It gives us a chance, though. For husbands. Maybe families. I'm not going to be one of those married men with the wife and 2.2 kids, waiting in line for the male prostitutes, and if Yunho even tries to go down that path, I'll kill him.” He laughed and touched his temple; the laugh was more plastic than the smile. “But I guess I'd be more likely to do that than Yunho would be, wouldn't I? The man hates himself, but he's living life to the fullest, a walking cliché. He came out to the world when I hadn't even gotten up the courage to come out to him.”
“Changmin-ah,” Yoochun murmured.
Changmin sniffed. “It was really scary. Standing up there, their eyes all on you, waiting or you to say something. If I hadn't known that Yunho was waiting for me at home, I don't think I could have gone through with it.” His eyes locked with Yoochun's. “Did you know that Yunho was disowned?”
Yoochun froze.
“I shouldn't tell you that,” Changmin said. “It's Yunho's business, but the moment the news aired his confession, he called his mom. He's lucky they even let him keep his surname. Other than that, though, he's an orphan.” A tear fell, and he wiped it away. “I haven't called my mother at all. I'm not as strong as Yunho. But I thought of her up there. I thought-” He paused. His chest rocked as he choked back a sob.
Yoochun enveloped him in a hug; he was surprised when Changmin hugged him back.
Changmin sniffed, pressing his forehead to Yoochun's shoulder. “I thought of her and my dad and my sisters. I stopped breathing. My chest hurt.” He pushed Yoochun away, still crying. “I can't call them, hyung. I love them too much. But I like to think that they've accepted me. I like to think that Umma still loves me.”
Watching such a private person as Changmin let his emotions boil over, Yoochun did his best to not break alongside him. Changmin just stood there for three or four minutes, heel of his palm pressed between his eyes, sobbing silently, sniffling quietly. He was so shy in the way that he cried. It was both intriguing and absolutely heartbreaking.
Changmin peeked up at Yoochun from beneath his hand. He didn't quite have himself under control just yet, but he asked, “Can we talk about the kiss now?”
Yoochun nodded, touching Changmin's cheek. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, baby, we can.”
Changmin blushed a little. “`Baby?'” he parroted, but he smiled. He cleared his throat, drying his eyes with a sleeve. “You kissed me. On the beach. At sunset.”
“Yeah,” Yoochun said, “I did.”
Changmin waited for him to continue.
Yoochun reeled in his nervousness. “I think I like you.”
Changmin didn't look too pleased with that. “Do you, now,” he said.
“No, I know I do,” Yoochun corrected, nodding. “It took a while, but I've finally opened my eyes, and I want to be with you. I don't know if it's always been this way or if my feelings changed over time, but-”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Changmin interrupted with a raised hand. His entire face and neck were flushed a deep maroon. “Before you go into some deep, romantic spiel that I can't really handle right now, let me say something.”
Yoochun closed his mouth and smiled, relenting.
“I like you, too,” Changmin said, and Yoochun's smile widened. “But I need a little time for myself right now. I want to spend more time with Dr. Nakama and figure some stuff out. Like when I was growing up, the front I put up when TVXQ was created, stuff like that.”
Yoochun's smile faded.
Changmin panicked. “But I do like you a lot. I have for a while.”
That piqued Yoochun's interest.
“About two years, actually,” Changmin said, blush returning. “I started a little before the lawsuit, so that sounds about right.”
“Two-” Yoochun cut himself off and tried again. “But Yunho-”
“I'll explain that,” Changmin said quickly. “I won't apologize for it, but when we start dating, that'll the first thing I tell you. I'll tell you everything, even how it ended.”
Yoochun raised his eyebrows.
“We broke up,” Changmin said. “A few days ago. The day you kissed me, actually.”
Yoochun opened his mouth, then closed it.
Changmin read his mind. “You didn't need to know. It's seriously none of your business.”
That hurt. Yoochun coughed.
Changmin smiled apologetically.
The slam of a door startled them out of their conversation.
“Got the group song!”
The voice was far off and hard to hear, but it was Yunho.
Changmin made for the sliding glass door.
Yoochun pulled him back with a hand on his shoulder.
Changmin looked back at him, curious. When the silence only stretched on, he said, “Hyung, it's about the band. He's calling for all of us.”
“I know,” Yoochun said quietly.
Changmin sighed. “I should tell you to calm down and that everything will be fine, but I respect you too much for that.” He turned to face Yoochun and forced their eyes to meet. “I like you, but I will not tolerate any disrespect towards Yunho. He's my best friend.”
“You slept with him,” Yoochun said. “It's just... strange. Staying friends with an exe is... well...”
“Yunho's staying,” Changmin said. “He will always be there. This isn't up for discussion.”
Yoochun wasn't satisfied with that, but he looked away.
“Hyung.” Changmin stepped forward, uncertain. “This dislike for Yunho just because he was with me... It isn't like you. You should work on it.”
Yoochun grimaced.
“Otherwise, we won't last very long,” Changmin said.
Yoochun wanted to argue. He knew it was true, though, and he nodded.
Changmin kissed him.
It was a surprise; Yoochun went rigid before he could react.
Changmin didn't look too bothered when he pulled away. He was only shy. “Okay,” he said. “Then let's go see what that idiot wants.”
*
Jaejoong had just taken his seat on the sofa when Yoochun and Changmin filed off the terrace and into the room. His eyebrows furrowed, and Junsu sat next to him.
Yunho was standing in front of the TV. “Oh, hey.” He nodded at Yoochun, then Changmin. “Was wondering where you two were.”
Jaejoong looked between them, but he was quick to keep his thoughts to himself. He was a little distracted with something else, anyway. He glanced at Yunho; the man was fucking hot today.
Is he trying to kill me? was what he thought, but what he said was, “I didn't know we had a terrace.”
That brought the room's attention onto him.
“Seriously, Jaejoong?” Yunho asked. “How long have you been here?”
Jaejoong didn't have the decency to be embarrassed. He didn't even feel guilty.
“I'm not a curious person,” he said.
Yoochun spluttered. “Hyung.” He dropped into the arm chair. “If you were a cat, you'd be dead by now.”
Jaejoong shrugged. “I always just thought it was a window.” He motioned at the curtains. “Those are closed most of the time.”
Changmin moved to stand at Yunho's side. “Didn't you ever want to check out the view?” he asked.
“I can check out the view from anywhere,” Jaejoong said, “and I didn't see the apartment until the drapes were up, 'cause I was working late that day.” He turned back to Yunho. “Anyway, you got the song?”
Yunho snapped back into business mode. “Yeah, finally.” He pulled a stack of photocopies from the folder he was holding and handed them around. “It's called `No More Secrets,' and it's pretty bold.”
They took a moment to skim through the lyrics. Jaejoong's jaw almost dropped.
Oh. Oh, wow.
Did they bug the apartment? he thought.
Changmin was uneasy. “I'm not sure that I like this.”
“Are these lyrics even legal?” Jaejoong asked, because damn.
“They aren't offensive or obscene,” Yunho said, pushing his glasses up his nose, “but they're up there.”
“Someone will definitely find this offensive,” Jaejoong said.
“And obscene,” Junsu added.
Yunho sighed at them. “Your opinions are pretty clear.” He turned to the other half of the room. “And yours?”
Yoochun was staring at his copy.
Changmin was still reading over his. “I'm a little confused,” he said. “Are they trying to up our popularity or demolish it?”
“It's not so bad,” Junsu said. He ignored the stares that earned him. “I mean, it's a little blunt, but the message is good. It could make our listeners think.”
“Or drop a bomb on our heads,” Changmin said.
Yunho nudged him with an elbow. “Happy thoughts, Changmin-ah, happy thoughts.”
“Well, I think we could do it.” Yoochun gave Yunho a nod. “I'd be kind of proud to sing it, actually. It's ballsy.”
Changmin's eyes lifted from the paper. “Could that be why they gave it to us?”
Yunho frowned. “'Cause it's ballsy? Probably.”
Jaejoong bent forward. “Wait, I'm lost.”
“Three of us sued a major record label,” Changmin explained to him, “and the other two came out on national television.”
“Yeah,” Yoochun said. “To the public, we're basically five walking middle fingers.”
Jaejoong nodded. “Oh, that makes sense.”
“If the middle finger is our new image,” Yunho muttered, more to himself, “I wish Avex would've run it by me.”
Changmin clucked his tongue, thoughtful as he handed his copy back to Yunho. “Are they doing this because it's what the public is expecting, or because Avex wants to say `fuck you' to the world?”
“I don't know,” Yunho said.
“You have to admit, though.” Yoochun tapped a finger on the page. “If anyone can pull this off right now, it's us.”
“Exactly,” Yunho said, nodding. “That's the only reason I didn't turn it down as soon as it was handed to me.”
“But can we?” Junsu asked. “I don't know if I can... well...”
Jaejoong's anger flared. “Junsu-”
“Jaejoong,” Yunho warned.
Jaejoong looked away.
Yunho nodded at Junsu. “If you don't want to sing it, you don't have to. The parts can be reduced to four.”
“It's not that I don't want to sing it,” Junsu said, finger tracing down the page. “I mean, look at these topics. Gay marriage, adoption, legislation. There's growing old together, tolerance, disowning, suicide-I know I'll feel strongly about these things in time, but is it really fair to myself to sing this right now?”
Yoochun eyed the ceiling. “Is this place bugged?”
Yunho ignored him, attention on Junsu. “I thought you liked the song.”
“Yeah,” Jaejoong said.
“I do.” Junsu's words lacked their previous conviction, and he fiddled with the paper. “I'm making a lot of progress with this acceptance thing, but I don't think I'm at this level yet. Is Japan even ready for a song like this?”
“I think what you mean to ask is if we are.”
All eyes snapped to Changmin.
The maknae had grown small with Junsu's words. He rubbed his arm. “It's true that we're the only band with either the balls or the stupidity to attempt a stunt like this.”
“`Or the stupidity,'” Yunho and Yoochun parroted in unison.
“But I don't know if we're close enough,” Changmin said quietly. “We're not really suited for singing this, are we?”
Are we? Jaejoong thought.
Yunho agreed all too easily. “I see your point.”
Yoochun was reading through the lyrics a second time. He shook his head. “No,” he said, “we're suited for it. Just not together.” He met Yunho's gaze. “If you sung this with Changmin, just the two of you, it could mean something.”
“No, it couldn't,” Changmin said. “Believe it or not, no one cares about hearing gay people talk about gay rights.”
Jaejoong was taken aback by that. Was it true? A gay singer being ignored for singing about his lack of rights was too strange an idea for Jaejoong to comprehend.
Yoochun, however, had grown up around enough racism in good ole Virginia to know what Changmin was talking about. “I know,” he said,” but it's your cause. Us, JYJ, we have a different one. Anything that we do, whether it's this or something actually sane, will be a little half-hearted, I think.”
Panic overtook them. Jaejoong's eyes locked with Yunho's, but Junsu's hand closed over Jaejoong's, and Jaejoong looked at him, instead.
Changmin had the courage to ask. He stepped forward, uncomfortable. “Are you suggesting that the band break up, hyung?” he asked.
“Again?” Yunho added.
Yoochun took offense to that, and he stood up. “Of course not-I'm saying that if we're ever going to move out of this `circle' or whatever you lot are calling it, we're going to have to find some common ground and stop fighting our own battles.” He handed Yunho his copy of the lyrics. “That's what you meant when you asked Jaejoong to settle, wasn't it?”
Yunho looked at Changmin for help, but Changmin merely shrugged. “Um.” Yunho cleared his throat. “Not as eloquently.”
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Maybe this is how we should see this new `middle-finger' image: It's our cause. The five of us.”
Changmin looked confused, but Jaejoong was the one who understood this time. He rose from the sofa, astonished. “You're saying you want to settle?” he asked.
Junsu stood up, as well.
Yoochun turned to them. “No,” he said, “I still don't want to. But considering that this is our new image, we probably should. You were saying that continuing with the lawsuit would be good for the three of us-JYJ-but it would do nothing for our relationship with Changmin and Yunho. It wouldn't be good for the five of us.”
“Right,” Jaejoong said.
Yoochun pointed at the paper in Junsu's hand. “Singing something like that, though... We can only do it as TVXQ. It wouldn't mean jack shit if we sung it alone. So-” He waved at Yunho and Changmin. “-as TVXQ, not JYJ, should we settle?”
And so the first decision was made.
“You know my opinion,” Changmin said, getting into the spirit of things.
Jaejoong looked at Yoochun.
“He thinks that since we forgot about it,” Yoochun clarified, “it's probably not as important to us as it used to be.”
“Ah.” Jaejoong nodded at Changmin. “Good point.” Offensive, but good.
“So, what's your opinion, hyung?” Junsu asked Yunho. He stared up into his face with large, honest eyes.
“I can't answer with you looking at me like that,” Yunho said, growing uncomfortable.
Changmin pulled Junsu away.
“All you said was that you want us to move on,” Jaejoong said, and Yunho looked at him. “That `as the leader,' you need proof that we're moving forward.”
“Well, yeah,” Yunho said. “That's my job.”
“We'll need more than that,” Yoochun said. “I mean, if you don't tell us more, we'll have to go by majority rule.”
“Tyranny of the majority,” Changmin muttered to himself.
Yoochun and Jaejoong laughed; Junsu smiled.
Yunho grimaced. “I'm sorry, I don't know what else to tell you.”
“How about telling us about your feelings?” Yoochun asked. His eyes flicked briefly to Changmin. “Like, about the lawsuit or the separation.”
“The separation wasn't really about the lawsuit, though,” Yunho said. “It happened because of the lawsuit, but it wasn't supposed to happen. You can't base whether you settle or not on the fact that you hurt our feelings.”
Changmin scratched the side of his neck.
“Just go with that,” Jaejoong said, stepping forward. “How was the separation for you?”
Yunho shrugged. “Besides the separation anxiety?” he asked. “I don't know, I just tried to not let it bother me.”
“That's not what you were saying yesterday,” Jaejoong said.
“We didn't have an audience yesterday,” Yunho reminded him.
“You have to trust us, hyung,” Yoochun said. “Just tell us what went on with you.”
“I just don't see how my opinion means any more than it did then.” Yunho pointed at Changmin. “That human magic eight ball is worth listening to, but I'm really not that interesting. Trust isn't the issue here.”
“But it is,” Jaejoong insisted. “Just tell us what you were feeling.”
In their enthusiasm, the three of JYJ had moved into Yunho's personal space, and Changmin wedged himself between them. “Guys, give him some freaking air.”
Yunho turned to the mantle piece, pulling at his collar.
Yoochun sighed. “Hyung, you have to help us out here,” he said. “We're listening.”
“There isn't much to say,” Yunho said. “You left. We stayed. You didn't come back.”
Junsu smiled, encouraging. “Let's talk about that, then.”
Jaejoong nodded. “Yeah, we should have discussed it first thing.”
“We would have,” Junsu said. “If we weren't so...”
“Shocked,” Yoochun supplied.
“Guys,” Changmin called. “We're still here.”
Yunho scratched at his collar bone. He was now reading the spines lining the bookshelf. “I'm sorry that we missed our chance because you were being assholes,” he said.
Jaejoong stared at him. Even Changmin looked surprised.
“But I don't want to talk about this right now,” Yunho said. He pulled again at his shirt collar. “Man, I hate this shirt.”
Jaejoong chose his words carefully. “Look,” he said, “I know how we reacted was bad, but we're past it.” He glanced at Junsu. “Mostly past it. We're ready to move on.”
Yunho scoffed. “Then move on,” he said.
Changmin moved closer. “Yunho,” he said softly.
“You don't need our help for that.” Yunho began fussing with the cuff of his sleeve. “The lawsuit, the separation, the years I spent lying to everyone, the person Changmin pretended to be. Why is it so hard to just forgive everyone for everything? Even if we don't talk about it, we're family. We should be able to...” He tugged at the cuff. “Fuck, this stupid thing.”
Jaejoong exchanged glances with Yoochun.
“Hyung...” Changmin took hold of Yunho's sleeve and began rolling it up.
Yunho watched him. “I don't like talking, but I don't see the point in talking, anyway. We've been talking since we got here. About gay rights, other issues, our personal problems. We've been teaching you things, helping you understand. We gave you a second chance, because we love you. We've been trying to forgive you for how you treated us when we got here, but now we're exhausted, and we're tired of talking. I'm tired of talking. Why does it have to go one way, anyway? You want us to forgive you for everything, but there are things you haven't forgiven us for. Junsu was the only one able to own up to that.”
Jaejoong and Yoochun looked at Junsu. Junsu blushed under the scrutiny.
Changmin started working on Yunho's other sleeve.
“We didn't tell you we're gay,” Yunho said. “We didn't tell you we had boyfriends. We didn't join the lawsuit. We still haven't.” He shrugged. “Worst of all, we had an actively sexual relationship in your home, and we weren't very discrete about it. Why should you want our forgiveness when we don't want yours?”
Changmin stilled.
Jaejoong and Yoochun were dumbstruck, Junsu twiddling his thumbs.
Yunho didn't look at them. “Not to sound like an asshole, but why should we want it?” he asked. “Our love lives are our own business, and things get dangerous when we're too open about who we fall for. Coming out wasn't brave so much as stupid, but even if it wasn't, we were never obligated to tell you anything. I don't regret telling everyone, even after everything that's happened, but I came out because I wanted you to know, not because it was your right to know, because it wasn't, and it's not.”
Yoochun looked upset at his words, and Jaejoong gave him an odd look.
Yunho sighed. “And after all the shit that happened when we came out, we weren't going to be shy about our love life. Maybe it was insensitive. The power kind of went to our heads.” He ruffled Changmin's hair.
Changmin's nose wrinkled.
Yunho hummed. “We were trying too hard. We wanted to let go of everything that was holding us back.”
“Sometimes,” Changmin said quietly, “things don't work out the way they were intended.”
Yunho smiled fondly at him. “Yeah.” He turned to JYJ. “The separation hurt because I blamed it on myself. The lawsuit was yours, and I don't blame myself at all for that, but the separation, how you just left. You were sad that last day, yeah, and you even cried, but I wasn't enough to keep you there. You should have been able to come to me. You should have trusted me enough to.”
“It's not that we didn't trust you,” Yoochun cut in. “We're stubborn. We knew that if we talked to you...”
“You would be the only one able to talk us out of it,” Jaejoong said.
Yoochun nodded.
Yunho wasn't so easily convinced. “Something that serious, though.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “Did I... I don't know, did I seem like I wouldn't listen to you?”
“... Yeah,” Jaejoong replied, and the others looked at him. “Yeah, to me you did.”
Yunho's gaze was solemn. “I'm sorry for that, then.”
Yoochun frowned. “Wait, hold on a sec.” He pointed from Jaejoong to Yunho. “I thought you brought the lawsuit up to him once.”
Yunho's eyebrows furrowed.
“I did,” Jaejoong said, nodding at Yunho. “A few months before we got a lawyer.”
“I don't remember that,” Yunho said.
“I said that we should probably take legal action,” Jaejoong reminded him. “You just rolled your eyes at me.”
The dots connected, and Yunho's eyes widened. “You were drunk! You were speaking nonsense-You said that after explaining how hot Shindong would be if he lost weight.”
Jaejoong shook his head. “I was sober enough to see what you would think. You said that it was ridiculous.”
“How was I supposed to know you were being serious?” Yunho asked. “If you had sat me down and explained it to me, I would've considered it more.”
Jaejoong's eyebrows rose. “You would've joined us?” he asked.
“No,” Yunho said. “But it would've been easier to understand what you were doing.”
“So you would've still stayed with SM?” Jaejoong asked, temper rising.
“I'm not someone who sues people,” Yunho said. “If I did sue, it would be for something I didn't sign up for, like getting fired for being who I am.” He looked back at Changmin. “No, before you even ask.”
Changmin shrugged.
Yunho fixed his gaze with Jaejoong's. “I signed the contract, and in my mind that means that I'm bound by my word. If you see that differently, that's okay.”
The sound Jaejoong made was a mix of a sigh and a scoff. “Don't you want to get back at them, though?” he asked. “For firing you?”
Changmin placed a hand on Yunho's chest. “Stop ambushing him.”
Yoochun pulled Jaejoong and Junsu back a few steps.
Changmin nodded at him in thanks. “We're not going to agree on this, guys,” he said to the room at large. “Maybe we should proceed differently.”
“We want to do what's best for the five of us, though,” Yoochun said.
Changmin gave him a pointed look. “Is it really that difficult to choose, then?”
Yunho placed his hands on his hips, back to studying the mantle piece. He thought for a few seconds before opening his mouth. “We appreciate that you're trying to understand us,” he said.
Changmin looked at him.
“And I think that's enough.” Yunho met Changmin's eyes for conformation. “We don't need anything more from you.”
Changmin didn't protest the idea, but someone did.
Junsu disapproved more than protested. “No, it's not,” he said.
The room looked at him.
He shook his head. “It's not enough. Why would you blame the separation on yourself, hyung?”
Yunho stared at him.
“Even if you thought that it was your fault that we didn't trust you,” Junsu continued, “it shouldn't bother you this much. You should be over it by now.”
“I am,” Yunho said.
“No, you're not,” Junsu countered.
“Stop that,” Yunho said.
Junsu wasn't fazed. “If you were over it, you wouldn't have cried when asking Jaejoong to settle.”
Yunho's eyes snapped immediately to Jaejoong's.
Jaejoong was forced to turn away.
Changmin was concerned. “You cried?” he asked, touching Yunho's elbow. “You didn't tell me that.”
Yunho was red with embarrassment, but he stood his ground with a hand on his temple.
Junsu's expression had not changed.
“The band is really important to me, is all,” Yunho told him, voice breaking slightly.
Junsu shook his head. “That's not all.”
Yunho gave him an exasperated look.
“You're so easy to read,” Junsu said. “We've always understood each other, haven't we?”
“What are you hiding, anyway?” Jaejoong joined in.
“Don't force him,” Changmin said, hand on Yunho's shoulder.
Jaejoong turned on him. “Could you please stop that?”
Changmin flinched, moving back.
Yunho was quick to come to Changmin's defense. “Leave him alone, Jae-yah,” he said tiredly. “He's just being protective.”
“But he's always doing that,” Jaejoong said. He motioned at Changmin. “Can't you just let him talk?”
Changmin frowned. “You're overwhelming him. If he wants to talk, he will.”
“Yeah, hyung,” Yoochun said to Jaejoong. “Leave Changmin be.”
Jaejoong stared at him.
“Well,” Yoochun said, loosing his conviction, “I'd do the same for you, I think.”
Changmin caught Yunho's eye. “If you want to talk-”
“I don't,” Yunho said.
“That's why we're here, though,” Jaejoong said. “What's the point in talking if no one is really saying anything?”
Yunho sighed, eyes on the carpet. “I don't think about why the band is important to me,” he said. “It just is.” He paused for a long moment. “On some deep, subconscious level, Changmin's psychiatrist might say it has something to do with my suicide attempt, though.”
The room fell silent.
If his words bore any emotional weight, Yunho didn't show it. He continued to study the carpet, then the bookshelf. “And he'd probably say something about my family. How it probably made it worse or something. I mean, family makes everything worse, right?”
Yoochun looked about ready to cry. Jaejoong glanced at him.
Yunho shrugged. “And I don't want to talk about either of those things. Do what you want about the lawsuit. This conversation is over.”
With that, he left them. They watched him go, and Changmin sighed.
“Emotional shutdown.” Changmin smiled at the others. “Sorry. Was trying to prevent that.”
Yoochun fought back his tears. He'd never realized just how emotionally benighted Yunho was. He had always seemed so well put together. Had Yoochun... made Yunho worse with his jealousy? The thought horrified him.
“We'll settle,” he found himself saying. It startled him as much as it did the rest of them.
Changmin blinked at him. “Are you sure?”
Yoochun looked at Jaejoong.
It took Jaejoong a moment. “... Yeah.” He looked at Junsu. “Yeah?”
Junsu nodded.
Changmin smiled. “Good.”
Changmin didn't move, though, only remained standing where he was with folded arms, and Junsu frowned at Yoochun.
Yoochun nodded at the hallway. “Aren't you going to go after him?” he asked.
Changmin's eyes were on Jaejoong. “Oh, so I'm allowed to be protective now?”
Jaejoong grimaced. “I only meant-”
Changmin smiled at him and shook his head. “I know.” He looked into the hallway, sighing. “I've never been able to pull him out of that, though.”
Jaejoong frowned. “But you can't just leave him by himself,” he said.
Changmin shrugged. “Then you go after him.”
Yoochun stared at him.
Jaejoong scoffed and left the room.
Yoochun glanced at Junsu, then moved to Changmin's side. “That was... kind of mean,” he said.
“He's the one who forced Yunho into shutdown,” Changmin muttered. He met Yoochun's gaze but rejected his comfort, instead moving back out onto the balcony.
Junsu gave Yoochun a hug when the slam of the sliding glass door was enough to make Yoochun's brow wrinkle. Until the hug, Yoochun hadn't known he needed it.
Only, he was sure that Changmin needed it more than he did.
*
Yunho was in his bedroom with the door open and the window cracked.
Jaejoong glanced between him and the cigarette he was smoking before knocking on the doorframe.
Yunho glanced at him.
“Hey,” Jaejoong said, trying a smile. “Can I come in?”
Yunho shrugged; he cleared the spot next to him, so Jaejoong took it as a yes.
Jaejoong sat next to Yunho on the edge of the mattress. “Are you okay?” he asked.
Yunho offered him the cigarette.
Jaejoong declined it with a wave of his hand.
“I'm fine,” Yunho said.
Jaejoong studied him. “Are you sure?”
Yunho didn't reply.
Jaejoong looked out the window. “Do you want to talk about it?” Then he blanched. “Wait, you said you didn't. Never mind.”
Yunho stubbed out his cigarette.
“We could talk about something else,” Jaejoong said. He grew nervous when Yunho looked at him. “Like... Oh!” He smiled. “We've decided to settle!”
That only made Yunho look worse.
Jaejoong's smile faltered. “We think... it's what's best.”
Yunho was bothered. He stood up, unbuttoned the top button of his shirt.
“Doesn't that make you happy?” Jaejoong asked. “You wanted that, didn't you?”
Yunho grimaced. “I din't want you to feel manipulated into doing it,” he said. He shook his head. “Oh, well, it's done, I guess.”
Jaejoong pushed away his frustration. This was about Yunho, he reminded himself. His own exasperation could wait for another day.
“What is it that you want?” he asked. “What can I do?”
Yunho's frown deepened. “I don't want you to feel like you have to do something that you don't want to do.”
“I don't,” Jaejoong said. “We discussed it, and we want this. It's an unanimous decision.”
Yunho wasn't exactly calmed.
Jaejoong rose to his feet. “Why don't we go to a movie or something?” he asked. “Maybe go eat something?”
Yunho shook his head.
Jaejoong was losing his enthusiasm. He turned to Yunho's dresser. “How about video games?” He dropped to his knees and opened the bottom drawer. “Or chinese checkers? I know you have a deck of cards in here somewhere.”
There was a shuffle of cloth against carpet, and Yunho's heat was hovering over him, Yunho watching his every move. Jaejoong paused.
“Or would you like me to just go?” he asked.
Yunho was silent.
Jaejoong climbed off the floor. “Okay,” he said. “Okay, I'll go.”
A tug on the back of his shirt stopped him before he could get far.
Yunho cleared his throat. “No, I want you to stay,” he said softly.
Jaejoong turned around. “You do?”
Yunho nodded. “Please stay.”
Jaejoong couldn't read his expression, but he returned the nod. “Okay,” he said. He smiled. “I'll stay.”
Yunho's eyes began to study him, then, and Jaejoong was nervous again. He played with a lock of his hair. “Would you like to sit down?”
Yunho placed a hand on Jaejoong's neck.
Jaejoong blushed. He hesitated, covered Yunho's hand with his own.
Yunho held his gaze as he hummed, moving forward.
Jaejoong stumbled back into the dresser. It shook under the impact, but Yunho's free hand trapped him against it, and it steadied.
Jaejoong shivered. “Y-Yunho...”
Yunho's hand brushed up the side of Jaejoong's neck, pressing firmly at the goosebumps that raised there. He leaned in.
Jaejoong's blush deepened when their noses brushed. He clutched at Yunho's shoulder.
Yunho closed the gap.
Finally, was all Jaejoong could think.
And that Yunho's lips were hot, as was his breath. Jaejoong pushed onto his toes, and Yunho pulled him in with the hold on his neck and another on his wrist. Yunho didn't wait to be invited. Jaejoong's knees shook when Yunho's tongue slipped past his lips.
Then Yunho pulled away. He didn't let go, careful to not let Jaejoong fall back into the dresser.
Jaejoong stared up at him. His face was darker than the red of Yunho's stupid shirt.
Yunho smiled. “Want to catch dinner later?”
Jaejoong's eyes widened. “What?”
TO BE CONTINUED
A/N: Well. So this is finally over. The sequel will be out soon, most probably, but I can't promise much. There will be an Intermission fist. It'll just be a one shot about Yunho and Changmin, explaining a lot of what will never be explained in the sequel. So wait for that.
A/N 2: The song is the fanfic's namesake, if you weren't able to deduce that yourselves for whatever reason. The real reason I named this No More Secrets, though, had to do with a scene that was cut because it was too dramatic. It included Jaejoong calling Yunho a faggot and Yunho getting all pissy, but that would never happen in a million years, so be grateful that I cut it.
A/N 3: The fact that Yunho was disowned is something that's been hinted at the entire fan fiction, unlike a few other aspects that I only added recently (e.g. Yunho's scar on his forearm, which will be hinted at in the previous chapters when I get around to editing them). If you're curious, look for the hints when/if you reread the story. They're subtle, but they're there.
Part 2
It was the wrong chord. Yoochun's nostrils flared. “No, it isn't,” he said. “He considers Yunho's feelings all the time.”
“Not when it comes to the lawsuit,” Changmin pointed out. “Jaejoong is stubborn when he thinks he's doing the right thing. So are you.”
Yoochun didn't take well to that, either. “The lawsuit was for all five of us.”
Changmin scoffed.
That would have been the last straw had Yoochun not turned away and reminded himself of who he was speaking with. He pressed a palm to his forehead.
Changmin was silent for a bit, then a quiet, “I said you wouldn't like what I have to say.”
Touché. Yoochun turned back to him with a clear of his throat. “I don't know why you would think differently,” he said, voice as level as he could manage, “but we had you two in mind when filing.”
“Good for you,” Changmin said. “Now please respect my right to see things in a separate light.”
Yoochun sighed. “Well, we're here, so shoot.”
Changmin didn't hesitate this time; the only problem he seemed to have was with what to say first. “What did you think I'd say if you came to me before you filed?” he asked.
Yoochun wasn't expecting that. “You would've disapproved,” he said.
“You know that now,” Changmin said, “but what about then?”
Yoochun didn't have an answer for that.
Changmin looked disgusted. “I see.” He looked away. “So, it really was because I'm the youngest.”
“I don't think that was it,” Yoochun said, bothered. “You were already close to Yunho. Not as close as you are now, but he was already going around calling you his best friend.”
Confusion softened Changmin's stance. “I thought I was closer to you,” he said.
Yoochun gave him an odd look.
“No, I know I was,” Changmin said. “And Junsu was the one I always played around with.”
“But Yunho...” Yoochun said.
Changmin frowned. “This isn't high school. It's not like Yunho and I sat down and make a blood pact or anything.”
Yoochun coughed.
“What is with you and Yunho, anyway?” Changmin asked. “God, it's like you're out for his blood or something. He doesn't have anything to do with the lawsuit, either. You didn't bring him into it 'cause he would've been against it, right?”
“Yeah,” Yoochun said.
“That's bullshit,” Changmin said. “He's the leader. You could have at least run it by him.”
“Jaejoong said that he would've tried to change our minds,” Yoochun said. “He said that he mentioned it, but Yunho said that a lawsuit would be a really bad idea.”
“Of course he did-he's Yunho. My point is that you didn't try to discuss it with us. You just tried to convince us.”
Yoochun shrugged. “We thought we were right.”
“Like I said, stubborn,” Changmin muttered, rolling his eyes. “You tried to persuade us after getting a lawyer on your own, and when we said we didn't like the idea, you filed anyway. That's not discussion. That's not taking our feelings into account.”
“But we did,” Yoochun iterated. “We did it for all of us.”
Changmin's eyes flashed. “Have you actually convinced yourselves of that?” he asked. “God, hyung, you don't see what's right in front of you.”
Changmin's anger was flaring again. This time, however, Yoochun was too upset to calm him back down.
“You didn't do anything that had to do with either me or Yunho,” Changmin said, voice rising. “We don't care that you sued, but it kills us when you say that it was for all of us. Jaejoong said Yunho doesn't understand doing something for the sake of doing it. That he can't understand doing something for the soul, something that you can do with no regrets even if no good comes out of it. But let me tell you something you don't understand: You made that decision as JYJ, not TVXQ, not with the two of us in mind.”
Yoochun's response was reduced to a mere stare.
Changmin wasn't finished. “You don't get to dictate what's best for us. We're grown men, and we were grown men two years ago. We trusted you to trust us, but you took our opinions for shit and decided that we didn't know what we were talking about.” He scowled and glanced at the view before re-locking his gaze with Yoochun's. “I'm sorry, but I already have a father who `knows best.' I don't need three more.”
Yoochun nearly interrupted, but he kept his jaw firmly shut. Changmin was emotional in an odd, composed sense. He was both pulled together and a complete mess. In control and swept down-under. It was his eyes. So intense.
“If you had told us that you were going to file no matter what we said, but we could either join you or support you from a distance, we would have been okay with that,” Changmin said once he'd caught his breath. “Still sad, but okay. Maybe the separation wouldn't have hurt as much as it did.”
Realization sparked. “You were never angry about the lawsuit,” Yoochun said.
“Bingo,” Changmin said.
Yoochun dropped his eyes. “The separation was hard on us, too, you know.”
Changmin sighed. “Okay.”
“It was,” Yoochun said. “We missed you guys so much.”
Changmin wasn't looking at him. “Then I'm sorry.”
Yoochun's brow wrinkled.
“I'm sorry for not agreeing to the lawsuit,” Changmin said. He pulled another cigarette from his pocket. “I'm sorry that I got angry instead.”
“Please don't do that.” Yoochun snatched the cigarette from Changmin's hand. “Don't just stand there and give in.”
“What do you want from me?” Changmin asked. “You're getting angry at my honesty, but now you're upset when I try to curb it. I don't want to talk about this.”
“How was it on your end?” Yoochun asked, anyway.
Changmin sighed, reclaimed his cigarette, placed it between Yoochun's lips, lit it, and Yoochun breathed in and breathed out.
“We waited,” Changmin said. “For a really, really long time. You were struggling with everything you were being slammed with, and we were angry for you, but you were so happy. You and Jaejoong and Junsu, always smiling and so happy to be free. I think we knew you wouldn't come back. It wasn't a complete shock when you didn't, but there was at least something to hold onto. Yunho, especially. `I know them,' he said. `They said they'd come back.'” Changmin wet his lips. “We weren't aloud to contact you. To talk about you. To mention you in public. It was all very militant, in a way.”
“We missed you guys,” Yoochun repeated.
Changmin nodded. “Jaejoong-hyung made that clear enough, as did Junsu. It wasn't that we thought you abandoned us. It was that you didn't trust us. Yunho was the one who took that the hardest, I think. You should trust a leader. You really should.” Changmin took the cigarette from Yoochun's mouth, took a drag, and placed it back. “We knew that if we were ever going to be back together again, we would have to come to you.”
Yoochun was close to tears, but he held it in, hid it behind his nod, because he'd never known. The things Changmin was holding inside.
Yoochun rolled the cigarette between his fingers. “I think you understood why we sued.”
“I agreed with you,” Changmin said. “Our contracts were a little unfair, and I agreed that they needed to be changed, but I didn't agree with suing. It seemed a little drastic, and Jaejoong was the one who came up with the idea, and that scared me. Jaejoong has to honestly be the last person I would follow to the gates of Hell.”
Yoochun nodded.
Changmin hummed. “I would've been okay with joining the lawsuit. Yunho wouldn't have. He wouldn't know what to do with it. But we decided to move in anyway. We wanted to see you.” He sighed. “We both would've joined, but Yunho came out.”
Yoochun fiddled with the cigarette: U-Know Yunho Reveals His Darkest Secret. “Yeah,” he said. “That was pretty surprising.”
Changmin laughed. “That really gets me, because it was so unexpected. I used to think the same thing, that Yunho didn't have it in him to do what was best for the soul, but I have never respected him more for what he's done. He never even mentioned it. He just called me one afternoon, asked what I'd like him to bring home for dinner, and said, `and by the way, I just came out on that talk show I was just on. Check out the news later.'” Changmin scoffed and turned to the city. “`And by the way...'” He chuckled, but the sound was sad. “Coming out of the closet is difficult. It's really the hardest... scariest thing I've ever done. But Yunho just did it. No planning. No support. He risked everything.” Changmin grimaced. “He lost everything.”
Yoochun frowned but didn't ask. He handed over the cigarette.
Changmin didn't hand it back. “I've known since I was nine,” he said. “I don't know if I ever hated myself for it. It was so long ago. I knew it was different. I never thought it was wrong, though, I mean, it came so natural to me. But after a while, I knew to hide it. I never wanted to come out. I don't know what I wanted.”
Yoochun stepped closer and took Changmin's hand.
Changmin smiled at him. “I did it for Yunho. He didn't want me to, but everyone was saying such awful things about him. I couldn't just watch that. So I held a press conference.” He squeezed Yoochun's hand. “Yunho really deserves more credit than we give him. He's really strong. You might be upset that he didn't jump on the lawsuit-bandwagon, but try to understand that Yunho and I have been fighting our own demons since we were teenagers. When living double-lives, things like contracts and entertainment companies don't really match up.”
They fell into a quiet lull as Changmin smoked off the rest of the cigarette and Yoochun pondered whether it was his turn to speak or not.
Apparently, it wasn't.
“Yunho and I want more than anything to move on with our lives,” Changmin said, watching Tokyo dance below them. “That includes putting SM Entertainment behind us. We don't want revenge, we just want to forget about it.”
Yoochun scratched his temple. “What if we were suing because they fired you?”
“Then I wouldn't have forgotten a court date,” Changmin returned instantly.
Yoochun hid a smile.
Changmin sighed. “Settle, don't settle; Yunho has his opinions, I have mine.” He looked at Yoochun. “You have our support no matter what you do, but just know that we have no interest in stepping onto that playing field. We'll cheer you on, but we don't want to play.”
“Okay,” Yoochun said. He chewed on his bottom lip. “But Yunho seems really hell-bent on settling.”
“That's true,” Changmin said. “Because we decided to take things into our own hands, Yunho and I are hated by over half the world's population. Jaejoong seems almost desperate to get things back to what they used to be, but that isn't possible. The three of you have only just adjusted to us being different from how you remember us. You were all pretty distant in the beginning.”
“That wasn't because you were gay,” Yoochun said. “We had our reasons.”
“You know,” Changmin said, “that really doesn't excuse a damn thing. You were cruel, hyung, no matter how you slice it. Yunho wants something different. He wants proof that we're going somewhere as a family, not just as JYJ and Company.”
Yoochun grimaced and scratched the back of his head.
“There is one thing I don't quite understand, though.” Changmin turned toward him completely. “I don't get why you're holding on so hard.”
“`Holding on?'” Yoochun parroted.
“Yeah,” Changmin said. “I thought Yunho was called in because you missed a court date.”
“He was,” Yoochun said.
Changmin quirked an eyebrow.
Oh, that was his point. “... I'm sorry?” Yoochun said.
Changmin rolled his eyes and turned back to the view. “If you want to apologize, save it for yourself.”
Yoochun returned to the railing, eyes on Changmin.
“It's your fight,” Changmin said, “and you let it get away from you. That's a big deal.”
“Oh,” Yoochun said.
Changmin clucked his tongue. “`Oh?' Hyung, that's not just something you can sweep under the rug. You should have been counting down the days to that trial, and if not you, then Jaejoong, then Junsu. One of you should have had the piece of mind to think, `Yay, we're going to court tomorrow.'”
“Jaejoong forgot to tell us,” Yoochun said. He watched his fingers tap along the railing.
“That's just my point,” Changmin said, exasperated. “You should have asked. The lawsuit should be one of your top priorities, but you all went an entire week without realizing that you missed something. You probably would have gone longer if Yunho hadn't brought it up.”
Yoochun turned away. “We're kind of distracted right now.”
“You're preoccupied with your feelings for me.”
Yoochun turned back.
Changmin wasn't even blushing, he was so serious. “And Jaejoong,” he added. “He's distracted by realizing who he is. Junsu is burdened with TVXQ, or with what it used to be. I get it. I'm not condemning you guys for thinking about things that are kind of hard to think about. But it's your fight.”
Yoochun was silent.
“As an activist, I can't understand that,” Changmin said. “You're clinging to something that hasn't crossed your mind in weeks.”
Yoochun sighed. “So you agree with Yunho.”
Changmin shrugged. “Speaking as an activist, I've learned that when your fight gets away from you, it's time to find a new one, and I'm not completely convinced that the lawsuit is as important to you as it used to be. I think you just want it to be.”
Yoochun wasn't sure if he was supposed to be offended by that.
“I'm sorry,” Changmin said, grimacing. “That was kind of brutal.”
Yoochun waved off the apology.
Changmin watched him for a second, then, “You're clinging to the past, hyung. You all are. Jaejoong wanting things to go back to what they were before, Junsu wanting Yunho and me to be who we used to be, you wanting to stay angry at SM instead of falling into indifference. Yunho and I don't want any of that. We came out of the closet so we could move forward, not back.”
Yoochun looked at his shoes.
Changmin gave him a smile, but it didn't look very genuine. “Sure, things don't get easier when you come out. They only get worse. It gives us a chance, though. For husbands. Maybe families. I'm not going to be one of those married men with the wife and 2.2 kids, waiting in line for the male prostitutes, and if Yunho even tries to go down that path, I'll kill him.” He laughed and touched his temple; the laugh was more plastic than the smile. “But I guess I'd be more likely to do that than Yunho would be, wouldn't I? The man hates himself, but he's living life to the fullest, a walking cliché. He came out to the world when I hadn't even gotten up the courage to come out to him.”
“Changmin-ah,” Yoochun murmured.
Changmin sniffed. “It was really scary. Standing up there, their eyes all on you, waiting or you to say something. If I hadn't known that Yunho was waiting for me at home, I don't think I could have gone through with it.” His eyes locked with Yoochun's. “Did you know that Yunho was disowned?”
Yoochun froze.
“I shouldn't tell you that,” Changmin said. “It's Yunho's business, but the moment the news aired his confession, he called his mom. He's lucky they even let him keep his surname. Other than that, though, he's an orphan.” A tear fell, and he wiped it away. “I haven't called my mother at all. I'm not as strong as Yunho. But I thought of her up there. I thought-” He paused. His chest rocked as he choked back a sob.
Yoochun enveloped him in a hug; he was surprised when Changmin hugged him back.
Changmin sniffed, pressing his forehead to Yoochun's shoulder. “I thought of her and my dad and my sisters. I stopped breathing. My chest hurt.” He pushed Yoochun away, still crying. “I can't call them, hyung. I love them too much. But I like to think that they've accepted me. I like to think that Umma still loves me.”
Watching such a private person as Changmin let his emotions boil over, Yoochun did his best to not break alongside him. Changmin just stood there for three or four minutes, heel of his palm pressed between his eyes, sobbing silently, sniffling quietly. He was so shy in the way that he cried. It was both intriguing and absolutely heartbreaking.
Changmin peeked up at Yoochun from beneath his hand. He didn't quite have himself under control just yet, but he asked, “Can we talk about the kiss now?”
Yoochun nodded, touching Changmin's cheek. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, baby, we can.”
Changmin blushed a little. “`Baby?'” he parroted, but he smiled. He cleared his throat, drying his eyes with a sleeve. “You kissed me. On the beach. At sunset.”
“Yeah,” Yoochun said, “I did.”
Changmin waited for him to continue.
Yoochun reeled in his nervousness. “I think I like you.”
Changmin didn't look too pleased with that. “Do you, now,” he said.
“No, I know I do,” Yoochun corrected, nodding. “It took a while, but I've finally opened my eyes, and I want to be with you. I don't know if it's always been this way or if my feelings changed over time, but-”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Changmin interrupted with a raised hand. His entire face and neck were flushed a deep maroon. “Before you go into some deep, romantic spiel that I can't really handle right now, let me say something.”
Yoochun closed his mouth and smiled, relenting.
“I like you, too,” Changmin said, and Yoochun's smile widened. “But I need a little time for myself right now. I want to spend more time with Dr. Nakama and figure some stuff out. Like when I was growing up, the front I put up when TVXQ was created, stuff like that.”
Yoochun's smile faded.
Changmin panicked. “But I do like you a lot. I have for a while.”
That piqued Yoochun's interest.
“About two years, actually,” Changmin said, blush returning. “I started a little before the lawsuit, so that sounds about right.”
“Two-” Yoochun cut himself off and tried again. “But Yunho-”
“I'll explain that,” Changmin said quickly. “I won't apologize for it, but when we start dating, that'll the first thing I tell you. I'll tell you everything, even how it ended.”
Yoochun raised his eyebrows.
“We broke up,” Changmin said. “A few days ago. The day you kissed me, actually.”
Yoochun opened his mouth, then closed it.
Changmin read his mind. “You didn't need to know. It's seriously none of your business.”
That hurt. Yoochun coughed.
Changmin smiled apologetically.
The slam of a door startled them out of their conversation.
“Got the group song!”
The voice was far off and hard to hear, but it was Yunho.
Changmin made for the sliding glass door.
Yoochun pulled him back with a hand on his shoulder.
Changmin looked back at him, curious. When the silence only stretched on, he said, “Hyung, it's about the band. He's calling for all of us.”
“I know,” Yoochun said quietly.
Changmin sighed. “I should tell you to calm down and that everything will be fine, but I respect you too much for that.” He turned to face Yoochun and forced their eyes to meet. “I like you, but I will not tolerate any disrespect towards Yunho. He's my best friend.”
“You slept with him,” Yoochun said. “It's just... strange. Staying friends with an exe is... well...”
“Yunho's staying,” Changmin said. “He will always be there. This isn't up for discussion.”
Yoochun wasn't satisfied with that, but he looked away.
“Hyung.” Changmin stepped forward, uncertain. “This dislike for Yunho just because he was with me... It isn't like you. You should work on it.”
Yoochun grimaced.
“Otherwise, we won't last very long,” Changmin said.
Yoochun wanted to argue. He knew it was true, though, and he nodded.
Changmin kissed him.
It was a surprise; Yoochun went rigid before he could react.
Changmin didn't look too bothered when he pulled away. He was only shy. “Okay,” he said. “Then let's go see what that idiot wants.”
*
Jaejoong had just taken his seat on the sofa when Yoochun and Changmin filed off the terrace and into the room. His eyebrows furrowed, and Junsu sat next to him.
Yunho was standing in front of the TV. “Oh, hey.” He nodded at Yoochun, then Changmin. “Was wondering where you two were.”
Jaejoong looked between them, but he was quick to keep his thoughts to himself. He was a little distracted with something else, anyway. He glanced at Yunho; the man was fucking hot today.
Is he trying to kill me? was what he thought, but what he said was, “I didn't know we had a terrace.”
That brought the room's attention onto him.
“Seriously, Jaejoong?” Yunho asked. “How long have you been here?”
Jaejoong didn't have the decency to be embarrassed. He didn't even feel guilty.
“I'm not a curious person,” he said.
Yoochun spluttered. “Hyung.” He dropped into the arm chair. “If you were a cat, you'd be dead by now.”
Jaejoong shrugged. “I always just thought it was a window.” He motioned at the curtains. “Those are closed most of the time.”
Changmin moved to stand at Yunho's side. “Didn't you ever want to check out the view?” he asked.
“I can check out the view from anywhere,” Jaejoong said, “and I didn't see the apartment until the drapes were up, 'cause I was working late that day.” He turned back to Yunho. “Anyway, you got the song?”
Yunho snapped back into business mode. “Yeah, finally.” He pulled a stack of photocopies from the folder he was holding and handed them around. “It's called `No More Secrets,' and it's pretty bold.”
They took a moment to skim through the lyrics. Jaejoong's jaw almost dropped.
Oh. Oh, wow.
Did they bug the apartment? he thought.
Changmin was uneasy. “I'm not sure that I like this.”
“Are these lyrics even legal?” Jaejoong asked, because damn.
“They aren't offensive or obscene,” Yunho said, pushing his glasses up his nose, “but they're up there.”
“Someone will definitely find this offensive,” Jaejoong said.
“And obscene,” Junsu added.
Yunho sighed at them. “Your opinions are pretty clear.” He turned to the other half of the room. “And yours?”
Yoochun was staring at his copy.
Changmin was still reading over his. “I'm a little confused,” he said. “Are they trying to up our popularity or demolish it?”
“It's not so bad,” Junsu said. He ignored the stares that earned him. “I mean, it's a little blunt, but the message is good. It could make our listeners think.”
“Or drop a bomb on our heads,” Changmin said.
Yunho nudged him with an elbow. “Happy thoughts, Changmin-ah, happy thoughts.”
“Well, I think we could do it.” Yoochun gave Yunho a nod. “I'd be kind of proud to sing it, actually. It's ballsy.”
Changmin's eyes lifted from the paper. “Could that be why they gave it to us?”
Yunho frowned. “'Cause it's ballsy? Probably.”
Jaejoong bent forward. “Wait, I'm lost.”
“Three of us sued a major record label,” Changmin explained to him, “and the other two came out on national television.”
“Yeah,” Yoochun said. “To the public, we're basically five walking middle fingers.”
Jaejoong nodded. “Oh, that makes sense.”
“If the middle finger is our new image,” Yunho muttered, more to himself, “I wish Avex would've run it by me.”
Changmin clucked his tongue, thoughtful as he handed his copy back to Yunho. “Are they doing this because it's what the public is expecting, or because Avex wants to say `fuck you' to the world?”
“I don't know,” Yunho said.
“You have to admit, though.” Yoochun tapped a finger on the page. “If anyone can pull this off right now, it's us.”
“Exactly,” Yunho said, nodding. “That's the only reason I didn't turn it down as soon as it was handed to me.”
“But can we?” Junsu asked. “I don't know if I can... well...”
Jaejoong's anger flared. “Junsu-”
“Jaejoong,” Yunho warned.
Jaejoong looked away.
Yunho nodded at Junsu. “If you don't want to sing it, you don't have to. The parts can be reduced to four.”
“It's not that I don't want to sing it,” Junsu said, finger tracing down the page. “I mean, look at these topics. Gay marriage, adoption, legislation. There's growing old together, tolerance, disowning, suicide-I know I'll feel strongly about these things in time, but is it really fair to myself to sing this right now?”
Yoochun eyed the ceiling. “Is this place bugged?”
Yunho ignored him, attention on Junsu. “I thought you liked the song.”
“Yeah,” Jaejoong said.
“I do.” Junsu's words lacked their previous conviction, and he fiddled with the paper. “I'm making a lot of progress with this acceptance thing, but I don't think I'm at this level yet. Is Japan even ready for a song like this?”
“I think what you mean to ask is if we are.”
All eyes snapped to Changmin.
The maknae had grown small with Junsu's words. He rubbed his arm. “It's true that we're the only band with either the balls or the stupidity to attempt a stunt like this.”
“`Or the stupidity,'” Yunho and Yoochun parroted in unison.
“But I don't know if we're close enough,” Changmin said quietly. “We're not really suited for singing this, are we?”
Are we? Jaejoong thought.
Yunho agreed all too easily. “I see your point.”
Yoochun was reading through the lyrics a second time. He shook his head. “No,” he said, “we're suited for it. Just not together.” He met Yunho's gaze. “If you sung this with Changmin, just the two of you, it could mean something.”
“No, it couldn't,” Changmin said. “Believe it or not, no one cares about hearing gay people talk about gay rights.”
Jaejoong was taken aback by that. Was it true? A gay singer being ignored for singing about his lack of rights was too strange an idea for Jaejoong to comprehend.
Yoochun, however, had grown up around enough racism in good ole Virginia to know what Changmin was talking about. “I know,” he said,” but it's your cause. Us, JYJ, we have a different one. Anything that we do, whether it's this or something actually sane, will be a little half-hearted, I think.”
Panic overtook them. Jaejoong's eyes locked with Yunho's, but Junsu's hand closed over Jaejoong's, and Jaejoong looked at him, instead.
Changmin had the courage to ask. He stepped forward, uncomfortable. “Are you suggesting that the band break up, hyung?” he asked.
“Again?” Yunho added.
Yoochun took offense to that, and he stood up. “Of course not-I'm saying that if we're ever going to move out of this `circle' or whatever you lot are calling it, we're going to have to find some common ground and stop fighting our own battles.” He handed Yunho his copy of the lyrics. “That's what you meant when you asked Jaejoong to settle, wasn't it?”
Yunho looked at Changmin for help, but Changmin merely shrugged. “Um.” Yunho cleared his throat. “Not as eloquently.”
Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Maybe this is how we should see this new `middle-finger' image: It's our cause. The five of us.”
Changmin looked confused, but Jaejoong was the one who understood this time. He rose from the sofa, astonished. “You're saying you want to settle?” he asked.
Junsu stood up, as well.
Yoochun turned to them. “No,” he said, “I still don't want to. But considering that this is our new image, we probably should. You were saying that continuing with the lawsuit would be good for the three of us-JYJ-but it would do nothing for our relationship with Changmin and Yunho. It wouldn't be good for the five of us.”
“Right,” Jaejoong said.
Yoochun pointed at the paper in Junsu's hand. “Singing something like that, though... We can only do it as TVXQ. It wouldn't mean jack shit if we sung it alone. So-” He waved at Yunho and Changmin. “-as TVXQ, not JYJ, should we settle?”
And so the first decision was made.
“You know my opinion,” Changmin said, getting into the spirit of things.
Jaejoong looked at Yoochun.
“He thinks that since we forgot about it,” Yoochun clarified, “it's probably not as important to us as it used to be.”
“Ah.” Jaejoong nodded at Changmin. “Good point.” Offensive, but good.
“So, what's your opinion, hyung?” Junsu asked Yunho. He stared up into his face with large, honest eyes.
“I can't answer with you looking at me like that,” Yunho said, growing uncomfortable.
Changmin pulled Junsu away.
“All you said was that you want us to move on,” Jaejoong said, and Yunho looked at him. “That `as the leader,' you need proof that we're moving forward.”
“Well, yeah,” Yunho said. “That's my job.”
“We'll need more than that,” Yoochun said. “I mean, if you don't tell us more, we'll have to go by majority rule.”
“Tyranny of the majority,” Changmin muttered to himself.
Yoochun and Jaejoong laughed; Junsu smiled.
Yunho grimaced. “I'm sorry, I don't know what else to tell you.”
“How about telling us about your feelings?” Yoochun asked. His eyes flicked briefly to Changmin. “Like, about the lawsuit or the separation.”
“The separation wasn't really about the lawsuit, though,” Yunho said. “It happened because of the lawsuit, but it wasn't supposed to happen. You can't base whether you settle or not on the fact that you hurt our feelings.”
Changmin scratched the side of his neck.
“Just go with that,” Jaejoong said, stepping forward. “How was the separation for you?”
Yunho shrugged. “Besides the separation anxiety?” he asked. “I don't know, I just tried to not let it bother me.”
“That's not what you were saying yesterday,” Jaejoong said.
“We didn't have an audience yesterday,” Yunho reminded him.
“You have to trust us, hyung,” Yoochun said. “Just tell us what went on with you.”
“I just don't see how my opinion means any more than it did then.” Yunho pointed at Changmin. “That human magic eight ball is worth listening to, but I'm really not that interesting. Trust isn't the issue here.”
“But it is,” Jaejoong insisted. “Just tell us what you were feeling.”
In their enthusiasm, the three of JYJ had moved into Yunho's personal space, and Changmin wedged himself between them. “Guys, give him some freaking air.”
Yunho turned to the mantle piece, pulling at his collar.
Yoochun sighed. “Hyung, you have to help us out here,” he said. “We're listening.”
“There isn't much to say,” Yunho said. “You left. We stayed. You didn't come back.”
Junsu smiled, encouraging. “Let's talk about that, then.”
Jaejoong nodded. “Yeah, we should have discussed it first thing.”
“We would have,” Junsu said. “If we weren't so...”
“Shocked,” Yoochun supplied.
“Guys,” Changmin called. “We're still here.”
Yunho scratched at his collar bone. He was now reading the spines lining the bookshelf. “I'm sorry that we missed our chance because you were being assholes,” he said.
Jaejoong stared at him. Even Changmin looked surprised.
“But I don't want to talk about this right now,” Yunho said. He pulled again at his shirt collar. “Man, I hate this shirt.”
Jaejoong chose his words carefully. “Look,” he said, “I know how we reacted was bad, but we're past it.” He glanced at Junsu. “Mostly past it. We're ready to move on.”
Yunho scoffed. “Then move on,” he said.
Changmin moved closer. “Yunho,” he said softly.
“You don't need our help for that.” Yunho began fussing with the cuff of his sleeve. “The lawsuit, the separation, the years I spent lying to everyone, the person Changmin pretended to be. Why is it so hard to just forgive everyone for everything? Even if we don't talk about it, we're family. We should be able to...” He tugged at the cuff. “Fuck, this stupid thing.”
Jaejoong exchanged glances with Yoochun.
“Hyung...” Changmin took hold of Yunho's sleeve and began rolling it up.
Yunho watched him. “I don't like talking, but I don't see the point in talking, anyway. We've been talking since we got here. About gay rights, other issues, our personal problems. We've been teaching you things, helping you understand. We gave you a second chance, because we love you. We've been trying to forgive you for how you treated us when we got here, but now we're exhausted, and we're tired of talking. I'm tired of talking. Why does it have to go one way, anyway? You want us to forgive you for everything, but there are things you haven't forgiven us for. Junsu was the only one able to own up to that.”
Jaejoong and Yoochun looked at Junsu. Junsu blushed under the scrutiny.
Changmin started working on Yunho's other sleeve.
“We didn't tell you we're gay,” Yunho said. “We didn't tell you we had boyfriends. We didn't join the lawsuit. We still haven't.” He shrugged. “Worst of all, we had an actively sexual relationship in your home, and we weren't very discrete about it. Why should you want our forgiveness when we don't want yours?”
Changmin stilled.
Jaejoong and Yoochun were dumbstruck, Junsu twiddling his thumbs.
Yunho didn't look at them. “Not to sound like an asshole, but why should we want it?” he asked. “Our love lives are our own business, and things get dangerous when we're too open about who we fall for. Coming out wasn't brave so much as stupid, but even if it wasn't, we were never obligated to tell you anything. I don't regret telling everyone, even after everything that's happened, but I came out because I wanted you to know, not because it was your right to know, because it wasn't, and it's not.”
Yoochun looked upset at his words, and Jaejoong gave him an odd look.
Yunho sighed. “And after all the shit that happened when we came out, we weren't going to be shy about our love life. Maybe it was insensitive. The power kind of went to our heads.” He ruffled Changmin's hair.
Changmin's nose wrinkled.
Yunho hummed. “We were trying too hard. We wanted to let go of everything that was holding us back.”
“Sometimes,” Changmin said quietly, “things don't work out the way they were intended.”
Yunho smiled fondly at him. “Yeah.” He turned to JYJ. “The separation hurt because I blamed it on myself. The lawsuit was yours, and I don't blame myself at all for that, but the separation, how you just left. You were sad that last day, yeah, and you even cried, but I wasn't enough to keep you there. You should have been able to come to me. You should have trusted me enough to.”
“It's not that we didn't trust you,” Yoochun cut in. “We're stubborn. We knew that if we talked to you...”
“You would be the only one able to talk us out of it,” Jaejoong said.
Yoochun nodded.
Yunho wasn't so easily convinced. “Something that serious, though.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “Did I... I don't know, did I seem like I wouldn't listen to you?”
“... Yeah,” Jaejoong replied, and the others looked at him. “Yeah, to me you did.”
Yunho's gaze was solemn. “I'm sorry for that, then.”
Yoochun frowned. “Wait, hold on a sec.” He pointed from Jaejoong to Yunho. “I thought you brought the lawsuit up to him once.”
Yunho's eyebrows furrowed.
“I did,” Jaejoong said, nodding at Yunho. “A few months before we got a lawyer.”
“I don't remember that,” Yunho said.
“I said that we should probably take legal action,” Jaejoong reminded him. “You just rolled your eyes at me.”
The dots connected, and Yunho's eyes widened. “You were drunk! You were speaking nonsense-You said that after explaining how hot Shindong would be if he lost weight.”
Jaejoong shook his head. “I was sober enough to see what you would think. You said that it was ridiculous.”
“How was I supposed to know you were being serious?” Yunho asked. “If you had sat me down and explained it to me, I would've considered it more.”
Jaejoong's eyebrows rose. “You would've joined us?” he asked.
“No,” Yunho said. “But it would've been easier to understand what you were doing.”
“So you would've still stayed with SM?” Jaejoong asked, temper rising.
“I'm not someone who sues people,” Yunho said. “If I did sue, it would be for something I didn't sign up for, like getting fired for being who I am.” He looked back at Changmin. “No, before you even ask.”
Changmin shrugged.
Yunho fixed his gaze with Jaejoong's. “I signed the contract, and in my mind that means that I'm bound by my word. If you see that differently, that's okay.”
The sound Jaejoong made was a mix of a sigh and a scoff. “Don't you want to get back at them, though?” he asked. “For firing you?”
Changmin placed a hand on Yunho's chest. “Stop ambushing him.”
Yoochun pulled Jaejoong and Junsu back a few steps.
Changmin nodded at him in thanks. “We're not going to agree on this, guys,” he said to the room at large. “Maybe we should proceed differently.”
“We want to do what's best for the five of us, though,” Yoochun said.
Changmin gave him a pointed look. “Is it really that difficult to choose, then?”
Yunho placed his hands on his hips, back to studying the mantle piece. He thought for a few seconds before opening his mouth. “We appreciate that you're trying to understand us,” he said.
Changmin looked at him.
“And I think that's enough.” Yunho met Changmin's eyes for conformation. “We don't need anything more from you.”
Changmin didn't protest the idea, but someone did.
Junsu disapproved more than protested. “No, it's not,” he said.
The room looked at him.
He shook his head. “It's not enough. Why would you blame the separation on yourself, hyung?”
Yunho stared at him.
“Even if you thought that it was your fault that we didn't trust you,” Junsu continued, “it shouldn't bother you this much. You should be over it by now.”
“I am,” Yunho said.
“No, you're not,” Junsu countered.
“Stop that,” Yunho said.
Junsu wasn't fazed. “If you were over it, you wouldn't have cried when asking Jaejoong to settle.”
Yunho's eyes snapped immediately to Jaejoong's.
Jaejoong was forced to turn away.
Changmin was concerned. “You cried?” he asked, touching Yunho's elbow. “You didn't tell me that.”
Yunho was red with embarrassment, but he stood his ground with a hand on his temple.
Junsu's expression had not changed.
“The band is really important to me, is all,” Yunho told him, voice breaking slightly.
Junsu shook his head. “That's not all.”
Yunho gave him an exasperated look.
“You're so easy to read,” Junsu said. “We've always understood each other, haven't we?”
“What are you hiding, anyway?” Jaejoong joined in.
“Don't force him,” Changmin said, hand on Yunho's shoulder.
Jaejoong turned on him. “Could you please stop that?”
Changmin flinched, moving back.
Yunho was quick to come to Changmin's defense. “Leave him alone, Jae-yah,” he said tiredly. “He's just being protective.”
“But he's always doing that,” Jaejoong said. He motioned at Changmin. “Can't you just let him talk?”
Changmin frowned. “You're overwhelming him. If he wants to talk, he will.”
“Yeah, hyung,” Yoochun said to Jaejoong. “Leave Changmin be.”
Jaejoong stared at him.
“Well,” Yoochun said, loosing his conviction, “I'd do the same for you, I think.”
Changmin caught Yunho's eye. “If you want to talk-”
“I don't,” Yunho said.
“That's why we're here, though,” Jaejoong said. “What's the point in talking if no one is really saying anything?”
Yunho sighed, eyes on the carpet. “I don't think about why the band is important to me,” he said. “It just is.” He paused for a long moment. “On some deep, subconscious level, Changmin's psychiatrist might say it has something to do with my suicide attempt, though.”
The room fell silent.
If his words bore any emotional weight, Yunho didn't show it. He continued to study the carpet, then the bookshelf. “And he'd probably say something about my family. How it probably made it worse or something. I mean, family makes everything worse, right?”
Yoochun looked about ready to cry. Jaejoong glanced at him.
Yunho shrugged. “And I don't want to talk about either of those things. Do what you want about the lawsuit. This conversation is over.”
With that, he left them. They watched him go, and Changmin sighed.
“Emotional shutdown.” Changmin smiled at the others. “Sorry. Was trying to prevent that.”
Yoochun fought back his tears. He'd never realized just how emotionally benighted Yunho was. He had always seemed so well put together. Had Yoochun... made Yunho worse with his jealousy? The thought horrified him.
“We'll settle,” he found himself saying. It startled him as much as it did the rest of them.
Changmin blinked at him. “Are you sure?”
Yoochun looked at Jaejoong.
It took Jaejoong a moment. “... Yeah.” He looked at Junsu. “Yeah?”
Junsu nodded.
Changmin smiled. “Good.”
Changmin didn't move, though, only remained standing where he was with folded arms, and Junsu frowned at Yoochun.
Yoochun nodded at the hallway. “Aren't you going to go after him?” he asked.
Changmin's eyes were on Jaejoong. “Oh, so I'm allowed to be protective now?”
Jaejoong grimaced. “I only meant-”
Changmin smiled at him and shook his head. “I know.” He looked into the hallway, sighing. “I've never been able to pull him out of that, though.”
Jaejoong frowned. “But you can't just leave him by himself,” he said.
Changmin shrugged. “Then you go after him.”
Yoochun stared at him.
Jaejoong scoffed and left the room.
Yoochun glanced at Junsu, then moved to Changmin's side. “That was... kind of mean,” he said.
“He's the one who forced Yunho into shutdown,” Changmin muttered. He met Yoochun's gaze but rejected his comfort, instead moving back out onto the balcony.
Junsu gave Yoochun a hug when the slam of the sliding glass door was enough to make Yoochun's brow wrinkle. Until the hug, Yoochun hadn't known he needed it.
Only, he was sure that Changmin needed it more than he did.
*
Yunho was in his bedroom with the door open and the window cracked.
Jaejoong glanced between him and the cigarette he was smoking before knocking on the doorframe.
Yunho glanced at him.
“Hey,” Jaejoong said, trying a smile. “Can I come in?”
Yunho shrugged; he cleared the spot next to him, so Jaejoong took it as a yes.
Jaejoong sat next to Yunho on the edge of the mattress. “Are you okay?” he asked.
Yunho offered him the cigarette.
Jaejoong declined it with a wave of his hand.
“I'm fine,” Yunho said.
Jaejoong studied him. “Are you sure?”
Yunho didn't reply.
Jaejoong looked out the window. “Do you want to talk about it?” Then he blanched. “Wait, you said you didn't. Never mind.”
Yunho stubbed out his cigarette.
“We could talk about something else,” Jaejoong said. He grew nervous when Yunho looked at him. “Like... Oh!” He smiled. “We've decided to settle!”
That only made Yunho look worse.
Jaejoong's smile faltered. “We think... it's what's best.”
Yunho was bothered. He stood up, unbuttoned the top button of his shirt.
“Doesn't that make you happy?” Jaejoong asked. “You wanted that, didn't you?”
Yunho grimaced. “I din't want you to feel manipulated into doing it,” he said. He shook his head. “Oh, well, it's done, I guess.”
Jaejoong pushed away his frustration. This was about Yunho, he reminded himself. His own exasperation could wait for another day.
“What is it that you want?” he asked. “What can I do?”
Yunho's frown deepened. “I don't want you to feel like you have to do something that you don't want to do.”
“I don't,” Jaejoong said. “We discussed it, and we want this. It's an unanimous decision.”
Yunho wasn't exactly calmed.
Jaejoong rose to his feet. “Why don't we go to a movie or something?” he asked. “Maybe go eat something?”
Yunho shook his head.
Jaejoong was losing his enthusiasm. He turned to Yunho's dresser. “How about video games?” He dropped to his knees and opened the bottom drawer. “Or chinese checkers? I know you have a deck of cards in here somewhere.”
There was a shuffle of cloth against carpet, and Yunho's heat was hovering over him, Yunho watching his every move. Jaejoong paused.
“Or would you like me to just go?” he asked.
Yunho was silent.
Jaejoong climbed off the floor. “Okay,” he said. “Okay, I'll go.”
A tug on the back of his shirt stopped him before he could get far.
Yunho cleared his throat. “No, I want you to stay,” he said softly.
Jaejoong turned around. “You do?”
Yunho nodded. “Please stay.”
Jaejoong couldn't read his expression, but he returned the nod. “Okay,” he said. He smiled. “I'll stay.”
Yunho's eyes began to study him, then, and Jaejoong was nervous again. He played with a lock of his hair. “Would you like to sit down?”
Yunho placed a hand on Jaejoong's neck.
Jaejoong blushed. He hesitated, covered Yunho's hand with his own.
Yunho held his gaze as he hummed, moving forward.
Jaejoong stumbled back into the dresser. It shook under the impact, but Yunho's free hand trapped him against it, and it steadied.
Jaejoong shivered. “Y-Yunho...”
Yunho's hand brushed up the side of Jaejoong's neck, pressing firmly at the goosebumps that raised there. He leaned in.
Jaejoong's blush deepened when their noses brushed. He clutched at Yunho's shoulder.
Yunho closed the gap.
Finally, was all Jaejoong could think.
And that Yunho's lips were hot, as was his breath. Jaejoong pushed onto his toes, and Yunho pulled him in with the hold on his neck and another on his wrist. Yunho didn't wait to be invited. Jaejoong's knees shook when Yunho's tongue slipped past his lips.
Then Yunho pulled away. He didn't let go, careful to not let Jaejoong fall back into the dresser.
Jaejoong stared up at him. His face was darker than the red of Yunho's stupid shirt.
Yunho smiled. “Want to catch dinner later?”
Jaejoong's eyes widened. “What?”
TO BE CONTINUED
A/N: Well. So this is finally over. The sequel will be out soon, most probably, but I can't promise much. There will be an Intermission fist. It'll just be a one shot about Yunho and Changmin, explaining a lot of what will never be explained in the sequel. So wait for that.
A/N 2: The song is the fanfic's namesake, if you weren't able to deduce that yourselves for whatever reason. The real reason I named this No More Secrets, though, had to do with a scene that was cut because it was too dramatic. It included Jaejoong calling Yunho a faggot and Yunho getting all pissy, but that would never happen in a million years, so be grateful that I cut it.
A/N 3: The fact that Yunho was disowned is something that's been hinted at the entire fan fiction, unlike a few other aspects that I only added recently (e.g. Yunho's scar on his forearm, which will be hinted at in the previous chapters when I get around to editing them). If you're curious, look for the hints when/if you reread the story. They're subtle, but they're there.