Stare
Title: Stare
Pairings: Jung Yunho/Randy Harrison (American actor); one-sided YunJae
Length: One Shot
Genre: Romance (on Yunho's side); Angst (on Jaejoong's side)
Warning(s): Yunho's in love with someone else?
Disclaimer: … Can I have Randy?
Summary: When Jaejoong walked in on Yunho, topless and lips locked with a blond foreigner about three years his junior, maybe his first thought should have been about how the blond was a man; however, of all the questions popping into Jaejoong's mind, the first was how the hell Yunho learned enough English to bed an American-and the second was why he just couldn't look away.
-Stare-
Yunho?
More accurately, that was the first thing that popped into the lead singer's mind when he spotted his leader through a crack in the doorway from the fire escape. He had gone out for a smoke, taking in the chill winter air around the station building. Junsu was having an individual interview at the moment, and Yoochun had disappeared in search of a bathroom, leaving him to walk about listlessly until it was his turn.
In truth, he'd known that Yunho and Changmin were in the building-they'd all known. Their manager had mentioned that the duo was doing a talk show for the last hour of airtime. It was nothing to get upset about; after the lawsuit, JYJ would get bigger spots than they were now, would probably outshine the new TVXQ tenfold. Half the fans said they already did, but the other half strongly disagreed, and so the battle continued. Jaejoong, along with his two band mates, had shaken his head at their manager's words.
When would people understand that they didn't hate each other?
They let it slide, though, because they had given up on trying to talk sense into people. Their manager refused to believe that they were actually happy for HoMin instead of resenting them, and vise versa, and the employer conducted matters regarding the two with a ten-foot pole. So, somewhat inevitably, JYJ was under no circumstances allowed to interact with their other two members, lest a fist fight break out (most likely started by Changmin and ended by Yunho).
It was stupid, really, but no one could understand how the five members felt for one another at such a stressful time besides them, and it was no use trying to explain. No one got it. Not even when they'd seen each other after arriving at the station, JYJ at one end of the room, Yunho and Changmin at the other, and waved. Everyone had seen the wave (hell, every news station had it on camera), but it would be later interpreted as just a means to placate the fans and nothing more. It was like all their years of friendship meant nothing to anyone else but them.
So they'd obeyed, having no further contact other than the simple wave, and went about their business like each other's presence was of no importance at all.
But that didn't keep Jaejoong from giving a small smile when he laid eyes on Yunho. Maybe, now that they were away from the cameras and the managers, they could have a semi-conversation. They could talk things through, or maybe just say hi, dispel some of the tension surrounding them. After all, Yunho had been the one to say no, and Jaejoong had been the one to yell.
He stopped. He had been climbing the stairs of the fire escape, spotting the younger man through the crack of the door leading inside, and now that's where he stood, a step away from the door, just out of angle so Yunho wouldn't be able to see him. Something wasn't right. Yunho wasn't looking his way, instead smiling vibrantly at the person across from him, someone Jaejoong couldn't see, but that wasn't the problem.
Yunho was topless. Jaejoong had seen Yunho topless before, many times, but it had always been at a time when it was appropriate for him to be so. On the second floor of a radio station, two hours from his talk show, in the middle of a hallway, was anything but appropriate.
But that wasn't the only thing. There was no talking. Yunho was smiling, beaming at this other person, but no one was saying anything. He wasn't talking, nor was the person in front of him, but just standing there, ogling whoever it was like-Oh. Oh.
Jaejoong flushed, reaching up long fingers to tug on his collar and suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. He'd seen that look before-not on Yunho, but definitely on himself, and Junsu, and Changmin, and Yoochun so many times that it was a surprise when a girl walked by and the baritone singer didn't lean back to check out her legs or other nether regions. Yunho was in the middle of a very... private moment, and Jaejoong almost patted himself on the back for not ruining it like he'd been about to.
It was still odd, though, seeing Yunho like that. Jaejoong had never seen him with such a look that just spelled pure lust, eyes lingering on everything in front of him with obvious hunger.
Yunho leaned back against the wall, shoulders dropping slightly as he leaned his head to one side. The movement made Jaejoong's eyebrows furrow in confusion. Yunho was acting... submissive. He was submissive through mostly everything in life, but never had he shown even a glimpse of sexual submission.
A chuckle was heard, most likely from the person Yunho was eying, then, “Are you seducing me?”
Jaejoong stopped breathing. That voice was too deep to be female. It was even slightly raspy, though soft, and it was not speaking Korean. There was no accent to it either. English. American English.
Yunho shrugged. “Maybe,” he replied, coy.
Jaejoong's eyes widened further at that. He couldn't understand what the other man asked-he knew too little of the language, even with his western tours, because the language was so confusing compared to Japanese or Mandarin-but he did understand that word. It was one of the first vocabulary words he'd found in the book he'd been given, and he'd said it millions of times, but it was English, and if there was one thing Yunho sucked at without any hope of improvement, it was fucking English.
But it rolled off his tongue like he'd grown up with Yoochun in Virginia. Last time Jaejoong had heard Yunho even attempt the language, his voice had gotten high, off-pitch and nasally, so much so that whatever the leader was attempting to say, it would come out comical or even unrecognizable. So it was a shock to here it now, tone deep with arousal, lips forming the foreign word effortlessly.
For a fraction of a second, Jaejoong actually did a double take to make sure that the man he was seeing was Yunho. Then something happened, snapping the lead singer back to the situation in front of him.
The person across from Yunho suddenly leaped forward, hands pressing Yunho's shoulders to the wall, and all Jaejoong could focus on was the mop of blond hair blinding his eyes. That hair, and those lips, attached so securely to Yunho's, were all of the man's face Jaejoong could see at the odd angle he was watching them. He blinked, long and slow. The blond was a few inches shorter than Yunho, probably a little bit shorter than Jaejoong himself, and he was topless as well, pushing up on his toes to reach the taller man's mouth. From the crack in the doorway, it was hard to tell that he was a man-his golden hair brushed his shoulders-and if it wasn't for the fact that he'd talked and his toned arms (not as toned as Yunho's, though), Jaejoong would have most likely mistaken him for a very athletic girl.
It was the first time Jaejoong had ever seen two men kissing. Before, when he'd thought about it, he was sure that he'd find it disgusting, or maybe just disturbing. But, watching Yunho now, something else was coursing through his veins. He couldn't for the life of him put his finger on it, though.
Yunho turned from submissive to aggressive so fast that Jaejoong actually felt himself shiver. In no time at all, Yunho had grabbed the man's arms and flipped them over, and the blond was pinned to the wall with much more pressure than he'd used on Yunho. Jaejoong's jaw dropped.
He had assumed, seeing as how only celebrities and staff were allowed inside the building, that the blond was Korean. He'd dyed his hair blond more than once, and it wasn't uncommon for younger people to do so in their society, and many people in the entertainment industry had grown up in America. However, seeing the face of the man in Yunho's arms, Jaejoong was surprised to see that the man wasn't Asian at all. He was white. Caucasian.
The blond smiled; it was obvious that he was trying not to. “I thought you were finally going to let me fuck you.”
Jaejoong didn't understand that, but he did know the word fuck and the word you, and that the two together could either be an insult or something to do with sex. He mentally cursed himself for not studying harder when he was in America.
Yunho's reply was only a low chuckle before he leaned forward to lock lips with the foreigner, and for that Jaejoong was glad. If he heard Yunho speak any more English, or god forbid an entire sentence, he was sure he'd probably make some sound that would alert the couple of his presence. That would be difficult (and fucking awkward as hell) to explain, especially given the fact that he'd been watching them for a while. Jaejoong paused in his staring as the realization dawned on him.
He had been, hadn't he? From the moment he'd spotted Yunho, he hadn't turned away, not even when a man attached himself to the leader's mouth. He'd just continued to watch, mesmerized, as Yunho's secrets poured out in front of him. Did Changmin even know? It was always difficult to tell how Changmin would react to something, especially something as controversial as homosexuality. But why didn't Jaejoong stop watching? He could if he tried.
“I want you. I want you now,” the blond muttered, bringing Jaejoong's attention to the couple once more. Yunho's lips were on the shorter man's neck, kissing or licking or biting or marking, Jaejoong couldn't exactly tell. The foreigner's fingers were laced into Yunho's hair, keeping him in place. “How much longer do you have?”
Yunho shrugged in reply, his mouth a little preoccupied. Jaejoong's eyes followed the movement of the leader's lips, making its way over the blond's collarbone. He flushed when he spotted Yunho's tongue running along the dip of skin. Then Yunho let go of one of the foreigner's arms, reaching instead to pinch one of his nipples. Jaejoong's eyes widened as the blond hissed. He would have never thought of doing that to a guy.
“Maybe,” the blond said breathlessly, laughing slightly, “I should get it pierced like Jaejoong's. You'd have more fun with it then.”
Jaejoong's back straightened. He'd been trying to translate with his limited vocabulary, catching only maybe and fun, but he could pick up on his own name like the best of anybody. They were talking about him, but he couldn't think of a reason why he'd come up in a situation like that.
Yunho frowned, pulling away. “Don't talk about Jaejoong-ah when I'm about to fuck you.”
Oh god. There it was. Yunho had spoken a complete sentence in English, accent barely there, and it had to be the freakiest thing Jaejoong had ever heard. It was like being in the Twilight Zone. But, that aside, what the hell were they saying about him?
The blond's hands, free from Yunho's grasp, slid down the leader's chest, fingers lingering on each muscle they grazed. Jaejoong followed them with a frown before lifting his eyes to Yunho's face. He gulped. Yunho looked almost animalistic, predatory and territorial, like he was daring the blond to continue his ministrations but also ordering him to at the same time. Jaejoong had never known that so much could be said with one look.
Yunho's face suddenly contorted to a look of surprised pleasure, eyes fluttering shut, and Jaejoong's eyes snapped down to the foreigner's hands. He had to keep himself from gasping. One hand was playing with the button of Yunho's pants, the other rubbing Yunho's crotch through the clothing, slow and teasing. The blond looked beyond satisfied with the reaction Yunho was giving him.
Something kicked inside Jaejoong's chest. He would have deciphered it, he knew, if he'd been given time, and maybe if he would have he'd have saved himself months of grief, but his mind went completely blank when the blond slowly fell to his knees. Yunho went about as rigid as Jaejoong was at that moment, but did nothing to stop it. If anything, the tilt of his head was inviting. Not really a surprise; there weren't many men who would disagree with the way things were heading.
What is he...? It was a stupid question, Jaejoong had to admit, because it was obvious what the foreigner was doing, but he had to ask. Surely, not there, in the hallway. It was unthinkable. Even Jaejoong would say no in that position, and that was saying a lot, so Yunho had to be thinking twice. The Yunho he'd known would be thinking it over fifteen times. But that only gave way to another question: was this the Yunho he'd known?
The lead singer mentally slapped himself. Even if Yunho was gay and spoke fluent English, the Yunho he knew was somewhere in there. Just... older. More secure.
… That hurt.
Then there was the sound of a zipper, opening link by link, and the blond was purring as Yunho's fingers raked his scalp, both sounds ricocheting off the walls of the empty hallway and ringing in Jaejoong's ears, and the blond's hands were pulling something from Yunho's pants that was hidden by the angle of the door and invisible to Jaejoong's eyes and-
Oh. My. God.
Jaejoong could translate those sounds anywhere, recognize the hollowing of the foreigner's cheeks at any time of the day. He was sucking-sucking-and it didn't take a college degree to figure out exactly what. He lost track of how long he was standing there, how long the foreigner's lips were working on Yunho's cock, eyes fixed on the digging of Yunho's fingers into that mop of golden locks. It could have lasted for hours for all he knew (though unlikely; Yunho wasn't rushing off in a frenzied panic and scrutinizing his watch), or maybe only minutes, even seconds, as whatever had kicked before was crushing his lungs.
And awakening certain other organs he possessed.
But Yunho was quick, thankfully. It scared Jaejoong how quick he was. In no time at all, the leader had forced the shorter man to his feet, ignoring all sounds of protest, and twisted the knob of the door beside them. Jaejoong didn't see where it lead, only that it was dark, but he suspected that it was a linen closet of sorts. It didn't really matter anyway. Yunho shoved the blond inside without a word, only a growl, before stepping in behind him and slamming the door. The lock clicked from inside.
That was when Jaejoong should have left. In hindsight, it really was. Honestly speaking, he should have left a long time ago, turned around and gone back down the stairs from which he'd come. It would have made everything a whole lot less difficult.
However, even as Jaejoong was knowing this, promising himself that he'd leave and never think of this day ever again, he was pushing the door all the way open, stepping into the now empty hallway, as silent as he could possibly be in leather, designer boots. He approached the door of the closet slowly, unsure of what he was doing for good reason.
What the hell am I doing? he asked himself, but splayed his palms on the wood of the door anyway, pressing his ear to the rough surface in between them. His curiosity was not left to hang in suspense.
Immediately, his ears were assaulted by moans and sobs of pleasure, English words slurred together in long, unintelligible streams of nonsense. Fuck me, Fuck me and Oh so good were all he could even attempt to pick out of the noise emitting from the room. He made a quick note that none of the words were in Yunho's voice, but that didn't surprise him, either-Yoochun had once informed him that Americans had more of an affinity for dirty talk in the bedroom than Koreans, so it was much more common in the States for girls (and apparently boys) to beg for release. Jaejoong did hear Yunho muttering some things, but none of them were audible, so he was forced to dismiss them.
It was all very weird, Jaejoong would tell Yoochun later (best friends really came in handy at times). Yunho was gay and speaking English, and there was a blond American spreading his legs for the leader, and Yunho was aggressive and demanded control of whoever was beneath him, and he watched Yunho get his fucking cock sucked, and now he was outside the room Yunho was using to fuck another man, listening to them go at it like the creepiest pervert in the world, and that was when it hit.
The realization hit him harder than any of the others, bordering on a freight train rolling full throttle. The reason he couldn't stop, the reason he just kept staring, watching, and the thing that just kept kicking, hurting, was that it wasn't him. It wasn't him.
Maybe it took longer for him to come to that particular conclusion than he let on, but in the grand scheme of things, did it really matter? All he knew was that he'd been the one to sit through countless YunJae photo shoots. He'd been the one to hold Yunho against his chest when Yunho was breaking. And he'd so been the one to whisper in Yunho's ear the last time they were all together, that he'd never forget their friendship, that he'd never let the Faith die, that he'd come back. Even if the other two wouldn't, he would, because he belonged with his other half. He belonged with Yunho.
And Yunho was gay, and he was with someone else.
Jaejoong took two long steps away from the door, staring at it like it was the gates to Hell (in a biblical sense, he guessed it kind of was), and flattened himself against the opposite wall. He needed a moment. He needed to catch his breath.
He wasn't gay. That much was glaringly obvious, given his habit of crawling into bed with females, so what was this? Yoochun had mentioned something before, where a person was attracted to both women and men, something scarily similar to this. Bisexuality. So he was bisexual?
It wasn't even so much that he wanted Yunho to fuck him-that would take a little leading up to-but more of the fact that he should have been good enough for Yunho. But Yunho never brought it up. Never told him that he was gay. Did that mean that he didn't care enough to tell Jaejoong? Was he not important enough to know?
Before he could even hope to answer either of those questions, the knob on the door began to turn, and Jaejoong's heart stopped for a millisecond. Then he was making a mad dive for the fire escape, where he'd come from, in high hopes that the couple wouldn't see him. When he was safely in the stairwell, door cracked like it had been when he'd found them, he realized that he need not have worried; they were much too engulfed in each other's eyes to notice anything else. They were also fully dressed, complete with trench coats and scarves, meaning that their clothes had already been in the closet to begin with.
That observation made Jaejoong somewhat queasy. Had they been having sex before he showed up?
The blond smiled, teeth flashing, and pushed onto his toes to steal a peck from Yunho's lips. The kiss left Yunho grinning stupidly before the foreigner grabbed a hold of Yunho's scarf and began walking toward Jaejoong's hiding place. The lead singer had only a moment to scan the way Yunho let himself be lead by the scarf like a leash, and then he was running down the steps. He glanced at the door, noting that it would be a bad move to run out (Yunho and his blond lover would spot him at this point), before hiding below the staircase.
The couple followed shortly behind, their steps slow and reluctant as they enjoyed their last moments together. Jaejoong watched, half afraid at being caught and half afraid of something else, as they reached the floor and paused, turning to one another.
The blond was the first to speak as his arms wrapped around Yunho's neck. “You know, you are such a queen sometimes that it's such a turn on when you suddenly put me in my place.”
Yunho laughed at the crude words, or what Jaejoong assumed to be crude from the way the blond's eyelashes fluttered. Jaejoong looked away when the leader's hands landed on the foreigner's hips like they belonged there. Maybe they did. “You're quite a queen yourself. I've seen how girly you get when a new Twilight movie comes out.”
The foreigner pulled away instantly, looking thoroughly offended, though amused. “You mentioned Twilight, and that took all the romance clean out of the relationship.”
Jaejoong couldn't understand anything they were saying, they were speaking too fast, and where the fuck had Yunho learned to talk like that? All he could decipher at this point were Yunho's laughs, full and light, and the shorter man's teasing demeanor, tugging at Yunho's scarf and fussing over his clothing like Jaejoong used to do.
Then the blond pulled Yunho down for one last kiss, and it was sweet and loving and it hurt so much to watch. Jaejoong was grateful when Yunho pulled away finally, fingers brushing one of the other man's blond locks behind his ear. “You have to go now, right?”
The blond's smile turned sad with a nod of his head, hands moving to clasp Yunho's warmly. “Yeah,” he murmured. Jaejoong was happy that he could finally understand something. “My manager's probably thinking that I let some random Korean guy take me home with him.”
Jaejoong's ears perked up at that. Manager? So he was a celebrity. Jaejoong had never seen him before, though.
Yunho smirked at the foreigner's previous sentence. “Didn't you?”
The blond only shook his head. “You're not just a random guy, Yunho.”
Despite everything Jaejoong had seen transpire between the two man in front of him-the kissing, the groping, the blow job, the sex-this was the first time the entire hour that he actually felt like he was eavesdropping on a very private moment. He couldn't understand anything of what was being said, but he was still hearing it, and he become very aware of the guilt overshadowing him, because none of this was his business, was it?
Finally, the foreigner stepped away, staring into Yunho's eyes with so much emotion that Jaejoong couldn't help a pang of jealousy, and turned away, hands in his pockets. Before he could push the door open, however, Yunho reached forward, grabbing a hold of his arm. The blond turned back to the taller man in surprise.
“Randy-yah,” Yunho called, and Jaejoong's eyes widened. Randy? The blond's name was Randy?
Randy, if that was his name, dropped his eyes, cheeks reddening. “In English, it's just `Randy,' Yunho.”
Yunho ignored him. “Randy-yah,” he repeated, waiting for Randy to meet his gaze before continuing. “I know that we haven't been together for that long-”
“Three months,” Randy whispered.
“-Yes, three months,” Yunho replied, nodding. “But I know what I feel, and you're leaving for America in two days, and I only have a very limited time frame to say this in, and I'm not going to waste time making sure that what I want to do is the right thing to do, because you'll be gone before I know for sure, and-”
“You're rambling, Baby,” Randy interrupted with an amused smile. “And your English is perfect, by the way. Have you been practicing while I'm back at the hotel? I think the only thing you have to stop doing is adding `ah' to the end of names, and your R's still need some work. But that's because of your country accent, right? I wonder if-”
“Focus, Hon,” Yunho cut in. When Randy tilted his head apologetically, he went on. “I was trying to say that I... I love you.”
Randy's eyes widened, but they were nothing compared to Jaejoong's. I love you. He understood that. He wished he didn't, really wished he didn't, but he'd sung it so many times in song after song that it was engraved into his nervous system. Those three words... were too much. Yunho couldn't mean them. Not when Changmin didn't even know about this Randy. Not when he hadn't been properly introduced to Jaejoong or Yoochun or Junsu (granted, it was probably best if Junsu never knew). No, Yunho couldn't love him. He didn't have his friends' approval yet.
Jaejoong almost smacked his head against the wall for having such a selfish thought. Who did he think he was? Yunho didn't have to get his approval to date someone. He didn't need to get his approval for anything.
“Yunho,” Randy uttered, looking completely blown away. He licked his lips before shaking his head, for whatever reason, Jaejoong could hardly fathom. Why would anyone shake their head at that? Perhaps there was something. Something he couldn't understand because it was in English. “Yunho, you can't... you can't say that so lightly in English. It means... so much, and-”
“It means all that in Korean, too,” Yunho informed him, stepping closer. Randy's head tilted upward to look at him. “Randy-yah, maybe it's too soon, and it's really just lust, but if you're going to be gone in two days, what does it matter? We have something going here. We have something special, I think. It's... difficult for me to find that here. Korea's not really the place for guys to pick up other guys.”
Randy bit his lip. “I know. I know, Yunho, I really do. I want to continue this, but you have your band here, and I have my acting back in the States and Europe. There's nothing else we can do, really.” He sighed, shoulders shrugging. “But I did want to see where this would have gone.”
Yunho shook his head, eyes flashing. “No, we can see, Randy-yah. We can, I promise you.” His fingers curled around Randy's shoulders. “I know that you hate long-distance relationships-”
Randy groaned. “Yunho!”
“-Come on, just hear me out,” Yunho said hurriedly. “I know you hate them, but all relationships go through rough patches, and maybe this is one of them. We can get through it.”
Randy threw his hands up in exasperation, but Jaejoong saw the softness in his eyes. Whatever Yunho was saying, Randy felt cared for. “Then what, Yunho? Let's say that we make it until my next trip in six months. What then? Are we just going to continue the pattern?” He shook his head. “Yunho, even if we got to the point of marriage, your career forces you to stay in the closet. My manager would, if possible, work with yours to where we'd be in the same countries at the same time, but if your manager can't know, then-”
Yunho held up his hands in alarm, blinking quickly. “Whoa. You just totally mentioned marriage when we've only been dating for three months.”
Randy flushed. “Well that's just because we're talking about stuff like this and-”
Yunho silenced him with a kiss. At this point, Jaejoong had stopped watching, and he sat, back against the wall and face buried in his knees. It was probably for the best. Yunho pulled back after about a minute. “Randy-yah, it was lucky that we bumped into each other at the airport. I don't want to lose this. I love you.”
Randy studied his face, skeptical but growingly optimistic, and couldn't help a smile at the seriousness of the conversation. He chuckled softly at Yunho's confused expression. “How do you say, `I love you,' in Korean?”
By the time the couple had left the building, in search of one of their managers or Changmin or whoever, Jaejoong finally stood, dusting off his jeans and heading up the stairs to find Yoochun. Funnily enough, he found him in the linen closet.
Only it wasn't funny at all.
A/N: Sick and tired of YunJae where Yun misses his chance and suffers, so decided to go for making Jaejoong suffer instead. I'm thinking of making this a kind of series. The lengths will vary :) Randy Harrison is an American gay actor who played Justin in Queer as Folk. I don't really know his personality, so I put in some of Justin's personality. The thing is, I didn't want Justin's character, just his personality. The stuff about him being a queen is Randy though. He said that he turned into a queen when he was excited, so ;) I don't like Yunho with any DBSK boy other than Jaejoong, but for some reason, I can see him with Randy. They'd be cute.