I Know That It's True, This is Going To Be A Shitty Year
The last couple of years I was working on New Years. Two years ago, in fact, I almost lost my life driving to a party. If only I knew then what I know now. Six years ago I was in Tahiti weighing my options. I remember being on the bus to the airport as we passed the small home that I had taken that girl back to the night before. It all seemed so easy back then. Happiness was something that came naturally. Six years later and I totally regret everything that has happened since then. After I got back I made a choice. I was unhappy then, but I was also naive. I thought that someone could turn my sad nature on its head. That was my greatest mistake. I realize now that my true nature hasn't changed and never really will. For four and a half years after that Tahiti trip I was completely blind. Did I think I was happy? Of course I did. That was the masterful nature of blindfold that I was stuck under. It was all a giant waste of time. The fact is that for all the time I thought Jordan was making me happy, all she was doing was building up my expectations. And just like a full game of Jenga, that wavering tower was going to crash and crash hard. The pieces of my little Jenga game of life are scattered all over everywhere. I've lost about half the pieces now anyway. Gamestop and Tony Romas kicked a few of them under the rug and Jared pretty much stole the rest of the game from right under my nose. There is no way I am going to rebuild that tower now. Frankly I don't really care if I do or not anyway. Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth it to just end it all. I'm not happy. I don't see myself being happy any time soon. Sure there are good days but none of them good enough to justify staying around. At least not when I look around at the rest of what is going on in my life. It is really tempting. I'm supposed to be living for myself right? Well I don't really like myself. Why would I try to help myself when I despise my own being? Actually I think I'm a pretty pathetic sort of guy. I always have been. I know that Jordan saw that early on. She was smart and selfish enough to suck out everything she needed from me, then drop me like an empty soda can when there was nothing left. It's what people do to me. Even if someone doesn't really need anything from me they will keep me around and have me think that I'm really worth something to them. Then they laugh in my face and throw me off a cliff. Last year I changed. I don't really know how to deal with consistently getting thrown under the bus so I've stepped back into completely depressing apathy. Especially now that Jared is moving to Arkansas for good. Oh well. It's just another important person in my life who moves far enough away for me to visit them but never would think of coming to visit me. So this year I have one resolution. BURN BRIDGES!!!!!!!!!! Fuck everyone. If I am unhappy then I am going to work my hardest to make sure you are unhappy too. I just don't care anymore. Oh well. Who the hell is going to change me? If you think you can you are wrong. I've changed. I've changed for the worse and I don't care to get any better. Even if I did it wouldn't matter. No one out there really cares enough. After all, they are all looking out for their own best interest. And no one is interested in a sad, pathetic, non-loving, non-caring, shell of a boy. So I believe this year will bring nothing but loneliness, sadness, depression, and maybe ultimately death. Should be fun. Don't worry, you will all get over it. I'm not that important to you anyway.