(no subject)
My Internet is out, hopefully just for the evening, so I'm laying in bed typing this up on my phone. I'm glad the app saves drafts, because then I'm allowed to have little ADD moments and go peruse some website until I'm ready to type more.
I'm currently suffering from having eaten too much pasta (I know, I didn't think it was possible either) and I'm feeling very alone.
I had a 2-month emotional shutdown; I didn't want to speak to anyone, or see anyone, or do anything. I sat in my apartment or went to work and tried to ignore all the pain that's accumulated since January crashing down on my head. It didn't work so well. But I did manage to come out of it about a week before my birthday. I resumed seeing friends. I had a lovely birthday dinner. Life is sort of continuing, but I can't help but feel that my sabbatical from my life created irreparable rifts in some of my friendships.
Wifey has been preoccupied with housing, parental, and boyfriend issues, so I can understand that she doesn't really have time for me right now. She and I have a friendship that fluctuates through periods of less- and more-contact, so I'm not really worried about that. But she's a part of me, and I definitely feel like something is missing now that she's taken a few steps back. Shes someone I feel I can tell Anything to without fear of judgment or awkwardness...and I have a couple of those things swimming around in my head.
Then there's Stephen. The same one who told me he was in love with me a few months ago. This emotional shut down was a result of pain brought on by men - namely Bobby and Matthew, but guys nonetheless - and between that and the "I love you" incident, I haven't been able to be as open with Stephen as I may like. That's made our interactions difficult, and according to him, I got snappy and mean with him so he's very tentative about his friendship with me. Last week we could talk almost like thing were back to normal, but things are different and I'm not sure how to/if I can bring them up.
One thing that's bothering me is that I don't feel I'm being given the same loyalty my friends would expect from me. Bobby has caused me more pain than I've ever known from the rest of my life combined, but no one seems to care. He gets to treat me like this continuously, and when we're attending the same social gathering, my friends choose to be with him rather than me. I was expected to end a friendship with mutual friend X (and ultimately did) when X slept with my friend Y's boyfriend (twice, no less). Yet Bobby isn't treated any differently and I'm the one that ends up talking to the drunk whitetrash lady because I'm sitting by myself and therefore approachable.
I'm quickly losing confidence in Albuquerque. I feel like I don't fit in with anyone (not that I really ever did, but even less so now). I feel more alone than I have in years, and it all feels self-inflicted...I'm at fault, therefore I have to suffer for it? The older I get, the more I see A) how intense, difficult and crazy I really am and B) that Rob is practically the only person that's loved me because of and through it all. He still wants me, wants to be back in my life. I do still care for him, but I'm terrified of hurting him again. My relationship with him was SO full of failure that I don't know if I can risk it again.
And I'll only be in Albuquerque for another year, year-and-half tops. What then? Rip him out of the only life he's ever known on my behalf, or rip his heart out again when I leave him even more completely than the first time?
But what if this is it? What if he's the only person even relatively-equipped to deal with my (apparent) ridiculous emotional mess? What if he's the last person I'll ever be with? I'm 23; I can't deal with this right now.
True to form, I've become distracted with something else and don't feel like finishing this right now. I think that's what LJ is partially for; to provide a space to talk when no other is available.
Maybe some sleep tonight.
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