(no subject)

[knogles]

I am the perfect combination of hope, expectations, desire and fear, cowardy and weakness.

I want it all, I must have it all. I see myself having it and enjoying it all. I am perfectly able at picturing myself in positions of perfect and complete happinness. Going after my goals. Making even my most insignificant dream come true.

But then I feel the fear. I get paralyzed. The image looking back to me when I look in the mirror is a joke, a small, skinny, ordinary, forgettable joke.

I feel my frailness.

I am only sure of one thing, that I'll become nothing. That I will one day be empty handed staring into my self-crafted abyss, lacking the courage to jump into it.

Let me be free, I won't. I can't let you.

I am my own worst enemy. I am the most perfect soldier for sabotaging myself.

It's like I hate me. It's like I loathe me.
 ****

I'll never say it first. I'll never show it first. I don't think I could handle rejection. I've never experienced it. I don't think I could handle it.

I don't understand why you love me . I know you'll get tired of me,

I'm nothing

I'm full of amazing thoughts that I can't exteriorise
I'm full of amazing projects that I can't make come true

I'm horribly limited

And you are

you are true

your flesh occupies the space it deserves
it claims it

When you pull me close I feel yours
Because I am yours

And I want to stay yours
Freeze us into eternity
Carve us into the starry vault
Keep me forever

Your flesh on mine
Your fluids

I crave them

Most of all
your eyes
your thoughts
what goes through them

where do they come from
and can i follow you

i saw you and i craved you
i hid inside myself

i let me awkwardness florish
in the hope you'd find me bland
and empty

and numb

like i am

i am not a happy person
i am numb

i knew that if you did find me numb
if you discovered my secret

that i'd die

i knew i'd die if you ever stopped looking at me with your eyes
i needed them

i wanted them to want me

i don't know why they did
and you distilled patience

and i absorbed it and i relished in it
you were patient

i don't know why

but i knew i would've died if you hadn't been

i just know it now

i ignored it then

i tried to convince you there were other girls
you'll meet other girls

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME
why do you want me so much

I offered you sex
"je comprends ce que tu veux dire mais je finir par tomber amoureux de toi"

no
why

please

i loathe the day when you will realize that i am not what you always thought i was
when my dark circles will repulse you
when my thinness will look sickly to you

when my smell will make you sick

i know i shall die when that day comes

when you start detatching yourself from me and my dullness
when you'll choose to stay out a bit later

so i can be fast asleep when you come back and have to force yourself to sleep in the same bed as me

you are golden warmth
deep thick love swims inside you

i'm afraid you have missplaced it

and i know that i have to give it back to you

i one day will have to

and i will surely die

as i watch you go

first words will fade

or is it touch?

i think the eyes will go first

i have to pay attention

i have to see it when it comes

maybe i will run the other way

maybe i will not let it begin

so i don't have to see it end

we need to have a talk when i come back

you'll be there

and i'll smash myself into your arms

your arms that i haven't felt in a month

i'll be in heaven

i'll start to melt again

like i used to

"j'ai l'impression que je vais fondre quand je suis dans tes bras"

all i want is to be in your arms
and to feel your lips and tongue
opening my mouth

all i want is your breath between my legs
and your hands on my ass

all i want is your eyes
your eyes for ever

all i want is your words
for me
forever

i want the truth you have been giving me
for the last months

i want you to crave me like you have been since you first saw me

forever

.

but you'll soon stop
you'll realize

you'll look back and smile
and you'll carry on

but i'll be still here
although i won't show it

will i?

I hope you won't break me enough that it shows
i hope i can still hide it

i hope i can still control myself

but i have  a feeling you'll leave me disabled

and that you'll go

cause you will go

i won't let you come in the first place

cause watching you go will destroy me

i'm so in love with you. goodbye.