(no subject)
I guess it's time to pull a valerie amanda theresa poss. gotta love that girl.. so inspiring. ha
I know I just want to let everything go, but I just sit here watching my blinking cursor float on the screen. blink blink. I would hate to make it feel so fixated. I feel like that sometimes. like I'm stuck in things that I got myself into. I'm so sick of feeling like the procrastinator in me has only gotten worse over the years. sometimes I don't even finish things anymore, which never used to happen. I would always get it done even if it was at 3 am the day it was due. I think I'm losing motivation. sometimes I just don't care.
I know I don't keep up with hardly anyone anymore. I'm segregated. sometimes I want to be. no one really ever calls anymore. but that's okay, bc I don't really call anyone anymore. and something will happen, I'll feel so incredibly guilty and I'll just sit there and think about it and about how I need to do something about it. but I won't. I'm not doing this for pity. please don't. I just need to say it. my best friend is my boyfriend. and even in that, we still fight. so much. and it hurts but it always ends good. I think I love him. it scares me more than anything. I'm having so much trouble just taking of all of the bricks from my brick wall that I built so long ago, and only got higher after so many people walked all over me. it's significantly hard, but I'm trying. when he smiles, I try harder. I don't think I would be so much of a happy person if he wasn't around. and that scares me too.
I say I miss people. and god, I do. missy. I can't even remember the last time I talked to her. my swim girls. yeah, we swim. we have fun at meets, we take pictures, we laugh. is it real? people at school. I ignore so many people. try to be invisible so they won't form an opinion about me that I'll have to deal with later. it's a constant battle.. should I wave, say hello, not care, put my head down when I pass them like I'm not there. I've become more introverted. most of the time I like it. I don't really hang out with many people anymore. people went to college and I miss them more than anything, but when they come home I have a notorious habit of blowing them off. and it kills me when I take a look at myself. sometimes I think I'm involved in so much just to take my mind off of the obvious. that I'm not really having fun anymore. I feel myself slipping. and that in itself makes me worry about college. what if I just end up being a loner. it could happen, so easily.
the worst thing is that most people would describe me as a happy, easy-going, optimistic person who jumps around, has a myriad of friends, knows bands, and has a good life. they could list what I'm involved in. sometimes those are true. I do have a good life, I love my family, my boyfriend actually cares, I'm good in school, hopefully I'll go to uga. but it's so much more than that. here's the truth. I'm not really that happy unless I'm swimming or with britton or listening to music or making something for someone or talking to one of my friends who actually gets me. I'm easy-going, true. but I'm also very indecisive. bad. I try to be optimistic. but I'm stressed 110% of the time. I don't jump around much anymore. my myriad of friends is depleting bc I don't keep up with anyone. basically it's just michelle, jaime, swim people, ...britton..yep. there's a huge number of friends for you. huge. I do love music though. god. I do. and I guess my two new favorite people that I've gotten to know a little this year are megan mallory and kimbo klaer. love them. I guess I just keep thinking that if I act a certain way that I'll become like I want to be. it's not working out so far, but we'll see.
I keep telling myself that christmas break will make everything better, but I really do need to try to make it better instead of just waiting around. I have to. so I won't be such a loner. so plans, lots would be good. I know a bunch of us are making a lennox/urban outfitters run after xmas. thank you god.
I'm sorry this was so long and depressing. I'll actually be surprised if you read this far. this is when I just sigh. whew.
I'm in kind of a picture hungry mood. any that I don't already have of anything fun from the past, no matter how long ago.. would be really fun to look at and remember :) 2 weeks until christmas break. mm.