(no subject)
So. Here's the long-awaited Neil/Rowan scene. Couple notes before you dive in. (Ha ha.)
1) This hitches directly with the dream scene after the prom. (Refer if necessary to chapter 16.) So remember that this is dream!Rowan and dream!Neil.
2) I have a strong aversion to terms like "manhood" and "length" and just about every other euphemism for penis that exists. Thus, I have a tendency to be very vague when I write lemons. Just so you know.
3) I tried to make this realistic. Thus, it is not a sparklyshinyhappy!loss of virginity, it's a clumsynervousvirginsex!lemon, which involves a lot of things that aren't usually in lemons. Like choking. I figured, why not? ^_^ Also a lot of talking, thus why it's so long. Anyway... uhm.... think that's it. Enjoy. ^_^
Neil reached out and pulled Rowan into an embrace. “I will never let him hurt you,” he murmured. “You’re done with that, it’s over. I’m never going to let him hurt you again. I’ll protect you from him, I promise.”
Rowan nodded and nestled closer, enjoying the warmth of Neil’s embrace. “Thank you,” he said. “Don’t really know why I’m worth that, but . . .”
“Shhh.” Neil leaned down and kissed him again to cut off the words.
They kissed for a long time, and each successive kiss was deeper and more passionate.
“Are you sure . . . you want to . . .” Neil managed, although his brain had mostly turned off as they stumbled towards his bedroom. He was suddenly glad his bedroom was on the first floor; he didn’t think they could have managed stairs in their condition.
“I’m sure,” Rowan said breathlessly, shutting the door behind him. “I’m very sure. I’m an adult now, remember?”
“Believe me,” Neil said, “that’s not something I’m going to forget.” He took hold of Rowan by the front of the shirt and pulled him closer, into another kiss. Rowan went along with this gladly, wrapping his arms around Neil’s waist and moving closer, pressing their bodies together.
They broke apart a few moments later, both of them gasping for breath.
“Won’t your mother hear?” Rowan asked, sounding a little worried.
Neil thought about teasing Rowan with a question about whether or not he intended to be loud, then decided against it. The other teenager was clearly so insecure and uncertain in what he was doing that it was probably a bad idea to be anything other than totally reassuring. “Nah,” he said. “She’s a really sound sleeper. I know from years of experience that nothing wakes her up. And she sleeps with music on, which will help. She has ever since my father died.”
“Oh . . .” Rowan blushed, looking away a little. “Okay.”
Seeing the blush, Neil put one finger underneath Rowan’s chin and tilted it up so their eyes met, which only made Rowan’s blush deepen. “If I go too far, you have to stop me, okay?” he asked, worried. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. If you change your mind, that’s okay.”
Rowan nodded a little. “I’m sorry,” he said, in a rush.
“Ssshh,” Neil said, kissing his lips gently. “We’ll take it slow.”
“I don’t even know how,” Rowan blurted out, and his cheeks burned bright red. He cursed the fact that he’d stopped to ask about Neil’s mother and given himself time to think about what they were going to do. Cursed the fact that he was going to disappoint Neil, that he didn’t know how to react, that he felt and was acting like a clumsy, terrified virgin. “I mean, I never have,” he hastily corrected himself, although the first statement was accurate as well.
Neil gave him an even look, rather suspecting that both statements were true. “Well, I haven’t either,” he said, trying to keep his voice light and amused. “Although I know the basic idea.” God only knew that over the course of his friendship with Rowan, he’d been plenty frustrated enough to find some, shall we say, relieving materials. His mother would have killed him if she’d caught him reading it, but it had been worth the risk at times.
Of course, Rowan was so uptight about his sexuality - not to mention so terrified of his father - that Neil had little doubt that Rowan had any idea what they were going to do at all. The fact that he still looked frightened now only added to that statement.
“Oh,” Rowan said, at length. He took a few long seconds to debate his next question. “Wh-What do we do, then?”
“You were enjoying kissing, right?” Neil asked, and Rowan blushed and nodded. “Then let’s do that for a little while before we try anything more adventurous.” Neil’s body ached with frustration, but he tried to ignore that for the time being. Moving too quickly would only scare Rowan more, but he’d been plenty enthusiastic a few minutes ago. Neil just had to remind him of that.
He wrapped his arms around Rowan’s waist and pulled the smaller boy in for a kiss. Rowan tensed slightly, then relaxed into his embrace. Neil kept the kisses gentle, undemanding, until Rowan began to reciprocate. The kisses deepened slowly, and Rowan started to lose the tension that held him a few inches away from Neil.
“This God damned tie is choking me,” he muttered, reaching up to tug at the bow tie that had come with his tuxedo. Neil laughed and reached up to undo it for him, putting it on the table. Then he slid Rowan’s jacket back off his shoulders.
“It’ll probably be a lot more comfortable without these,” Neil said, hoping that this wouldn’t make Rowan flinch again. Fortunately, it didn’t. Rowan actually seemed a lot more comfortable now that he was out of the formal aspects of the suit. “Oh, hang on, I want to lock the door,” Neil added.
“You said your mother wasn’t going to wake up!” Rowan protested, alarmed.
Neil smiled at him. “She isn’t, but I bet she’ll be up before us in the morning.”
“Oh.” Rowan relaxed as Neil locked the door. “Yeah, that makes sense.”
Neil reached out and pulled him in for another kiss, keeping hold of the front of his shirt with one hand but letting the other wander, delicately tracing over Rowan’s back. He couldn’t get enough of kissing Rowan. He knew that there was other stuff that would be a lot more fun, but for now, he just couldn’t get past this first step. Each kiss was soft, undemanding, gentle, but at the same time promised so much more.
He reached up and ran his hand through Rowan’s hair, tugging out the elastic band and letting it spill around his face. Rowan shivered slightly as Neil’s fingers ran through it, then caressed over his face. The kisses deepened. Neil reached behind Rowan and started to fumble with the cummerbund.
A few moments later, confounded, he stopped and pulled away. “How does this thing work?” he asked. He felt a sudden surge of sympathy for all the guys he had heard complaining about being unable to get bras off girls.
Rowan began to giggle. “They’re not hard.”
“My mom fastened mine for me,” Neil admitted. He tried to not be obvious about how very much he was enjoying it as Rowan reached around behind him and unfastened his cummerbund and tossed it aside. He tried to not stare as Rowan reached behind himself and took off his own.
He couldn’t help but stare when Rowan started to unbutton the dress shirt that had come off beneath it.
“What, you think I can’t manage buttons?” he asked. He tried to sound casual. His voice nearly cracked and ruined it.
“I suppose you probably can.” Rowan saw that Neil was watching him. He blushed fiercely, and went down the line of buttons more slowly. Neil’s brain nearly snapped in half. Rowan was teasing him.
He stared.
Rowan reached the last button and slowly slid the shirt off his shoulders, revealing the plain white T-shirt he had worn underneath. He dropped the dress shirt on the floor and looked at Neil uncertainly.
Neil just watched him. He had to make a concerted effort to keep his eyes from being drawn to the scars that marred Rowan’s pale skin.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Rowan hooked his fingers underneath the T-shirt and pulled it off. He dropped it next to his dress shirt and pushed his hair out of his face. Taking off the shirt had dislodged it.
When Neil still didn’t move, his hands hovered near his pants, but then he blushed again and looked away. Neil did not need to be a genius to figure out that Rowan wasn’t yet comfortable with the idea of stripping to his skin. He decided to work on that. A few steps forward had Rowan in his arms again, and he playfully tumbled them both onto the bed.
Rowan giggled. “Hey, how come you get to decide what’s going on?” he asked Neil, as the older teenager hovered above him. “I think I should get to.”
They began to wrestle for who got to be on top, rolling back and forth on Neil’s bed, which was thankfully a double, or else they would have rolled right off and onto the floor. They kissed a few more times as they mock struggled, and Rowan began to fumble with the buttons on Neil’s shirt. After a few seconds, Neil was also topless, and he had Rowan pinned down to the bed with his arms held down at either side of his head.
Both of them were breathless.
“Well,” Rowan said, smiling, “you caught me. The question is, what are you going to do with me?”
“Do with you?” Neil asked indignantly. “I’m going to have my way with you. Did you even need to ask?”
Rowan began to giggle. This got worse as Neil let go of his hands and reached down to tickle him, his fingers sliding over Rowan’s skin. Rowan let out a little squeak and tried to get free, but Neil was bigger than him and his superior weight held Rowan to the mattress. He strained upwards, pressing their hips together, and both of them forgot about tickling and stopped to catch their breath again.
“God . . .” Rowan managed, and then Neil kissed him and he couldn’t speak at all. He pressed upwards again, rubbing his hips against Neil’s and making them both moan. He had forgotten about being embarrassed, being ashamed, being afraid. All that mattered were Neil’s fingers on his skin and the friction between them.
“I want you so bad,” Neil growled, and Rowan moaned again, unable to help it. Neil’s lips moved as he explored the skin available to him. He stopped and nipped gently at the skin right beneath Rowan’s ear, and was delighted at the sensitive spot he found there. Rowan whimpered, his hand tangling in Neil’s hair, and bit down on his lip to keep from making a louder noise.
Neil pulled away for a few moments just to catch his breath. Rowan blinked up at him, his gaze adoring and a little lustful.
“I love you,” he said, with a sweet little smile.
“I love you too,” Neil said. He leaned down for another kiss, then trailed soft kisses down Rowan’s neck and over his chest. Rowan let out a soft gasp, one of his hands twisting in Neil’s hair, then a louder moan as Neil’s lips brushed over his nipple.
“Oh, God,” he managed.
Neil laughed a little. “There?” he asked, flicking his tongue lightly over the same place.
“Right there,” Rowan gasped out. “God, that feels good . . .”
“Good,” Neil said, devoting more serious attention to the spot. His fingers traced lightly over the skin of Rowan’s chest for a few moments before settling on his other nipple. Rowan let out a choked gasp, and his eyes closed tightly.
After a few moments of torturing him, Neil pulled away again slightly, staring down at the look on Rowan’s face and trying to commit it to memory. Then he leaned over and planted a light kiss on Rowan’s stomach. Rowan squirmed a little; apparently, he was ticklish there. Neil noted this and skimmed his fingers up Rowan’s sides. He was rewarded with a little giggle.
“Ticklish, love?” Neil asked, amused.
“A little,” Rowan said, squirming to his best advantage. Neil closed his eyes and tried to keep his hormones in check. “But mostly just impatient . . .”
Neil was rather amazed. Apparently, once Rowan’s nerves were soothed, he was every bit as horny as any teenaged guy. “Well, let’s see what I can do about that,” he said. He leaned in for another hungry kiss, one hand drifting downward. Rowan made a small, unidentifiable noise as Neil’s hand traced over the front of his pants.
Without waiting for Rowan to have a chance to object - terrified, suddenly, that if he gave him the chance, he would take it - Neil undid the button and zipper, and slid the pants down. Not wanting to lose momentum, Neil pulled Rowan’s boxers - black silk? He had to presume Rowan had bought them for the occasion - down as well. They bunched around his ankles. Neil shifted slightly and pulled them the rest of the way off, tossing them onto the floor. Rowan let out a choked whimper.
Rowan took a few deep, shaky breaths. “Neil . . .” he managed, and if there was more to his statement, he forgot it moments later.
Neil touched him lightly at first, experimentally, seeing what got the best reaction. He leaned down and nipped at Rowan’s ear, smiling as his lover moaned helplessly. Then he decided to get down to business. If Rowan was still nervous or afraid of sex at all, he wouldn’t be after Neil got through with him.
He leaned down and gave Rowan a quick, gentle lick. Rowan let out a strangled groan and his hips bucked upwards, but Neil had expected this, and backed away a few inches. He put his hands on Rowan’s hips and pinned them down to the bed, taking Rowan all the way into his mouth.
The younger teenager let out a gasping moan, his body straining against the hold that Neil had on him. He couldn’t think; he could barely breathe. He couldn’t even feel, except for Neil’s mouth on him. The rest of the world had faded to the point of completely inconsequential.
“Neil . . . I . . .” Rowan wondered vaguely if he was being coherent, wondered if he was being as loud as he thought he was. He tried to quiet down, tried to say something that made an ounce of sense. What came out was another gasping cry. “God - I - ”
And then there was nothing; he felt startlingly adrift, as if he had been thrown out of his body, unable to handle anything so good. His vision went white, and he let out a choked noise, one hand tightening on Neil’s hair enough to be painful.
He came back to earth either a few minutes or several days later, and looked over at Neil, who grinned at him. “Wow,” he managed, feeling rather dazed. “That was, uh . . .” Words failed him. He closed his eyes and wondered if it would be inconsiderate to fall asleep. He decided that it would, and shook off the lethargy that was threatening to consume him.
“You can rest, if you want,” Neil said, his eyes travelling appreciatively over the line of Rowan’s body. “I can wait.”
“That’s okay,” Rowan said, sitting up and stretching, stifling a yawn. He was aware of Neil’s gaze fixed on him, and blushed a little. “I can’t just leave you hanging, right?” His own eyes flickered to Neil, who was still half-dressed, sitting up next to him.
“I’d survive somehow,” Neil said dryly.
“Yeah, but you don’t have to . . .” Rowan put his hand on Neil’s chest and gently pushed the other teenager back so he was lying down. Neil let himself be pushed, since he really didn’t feel like arguing with anything Rowan might want to offer. He did, however, notice that Rowan seemed to be getting nervous again.
“Hey,” he said softly, catching Rowan’s wrist. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I know,” Rowan said, ducking his head a little so his hair hung in his face. “But . . . I want to make you feel good. I . . . I just want to try.”
“Okay,” Neil said. “But . . . just say something if you get uncomfortable, okay?”
Rowan nodded a little. He settled himself on Neil’s thighs, looking down at him contemplatively for a few seconds. One hand traced idly, feather light, over Neil’s chest. Neil closed his eyes, settling more comfortable against the pillows. His entire body was tingling a little, and wherever Rowan’s fingers trailed seemed to jump to attention.
“I’m not sure what to do,” Rowan finally admitted.
Neil tried to breathe. “Well, if it helps any, I already feel great,” he said, and Rowan let out a nervous laugh. “If you can’t think of anything, just remember things I did to you that made you feel good, and do those.”
“Oh.” Rowan had to admit that this made good sense. He leaned down and nipped at Neil’s ear. “Like this?” he asked, his voice low and quiet and somehow unbelievably sexy.
Neil strangled back an undignified groan. “Yeah,” he managed. “Like that.”
“Hm.” Rowan let his lips trail down Neil’s throat, licking hesitantly at the bare skin. Neil lifted one hand and traced down Rowan’s back, not really thinking about his movements, just wanting more contact. “What about this?” Rowan asked, leaning down and nibbling at his collarbone.
Neil choked. “You’re doing . . . fine. I swear.”
“Okay.” Rowan continued to scatter light kisses over Neil’s chest and stomach, then started playing with the button of Neil’s pants. Neil wanted to scream at him to get on with it, but managed to contain himself admirably. He suspected that Rowan’s sudden hesitance was more from his own misgivings than from any desire to tease him.
After a few seconds, Rowan pulled his hands away and went back to what he had been doing a few minutes earlier. Neil gently took hold of his wrists and guided them back to where they had been. “It’s okay,” he said. “You don’t need to be nervous.”
“Says you,” Rowan said, and began to tug at the button and zipper hastily. Neil let out a groan that he had not planned to let escape his lips. Between the two of them, they managed to get Neil’s pants and underwear off, and they joined Rowan’s on the floor. Rowan looked a lot more nervous now that they were naked together, but was determined not to show it. Neil, who was too busy writhing under Rowan’s hesitant touch, didn’t notice.
“Like this?” Rowan asked uncertainly, leaning down.
“Oh, God, yes,” Neil managed to choke out. He did his best to keep still. Although Rowan was not experienced or particularly talented, Neil didn’t have anything to compare to - and given that it was his first time as well, was hard put to not make a lot of noise. After a few minutes, instinct got the better of his control. His hips jerked upwards, and Rowan pulled away, gagging.
“Sorry!” Neil exclaimed, sitting up a little. “Are you okay?”
Rowan nodded, still coughing. Then he shook his head. “Sorry,” he managed. “I . . . I didn’t mean to . . .”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Neil said. “That was partly my fault anyway . . .”
Rowan just shook his head again. “I’m no good at this,” he said, sounding close to tears. “I can’t even give a stupid blowjob without messing up . . .”
“Rowan, you’re doing fine,” Neil said, with a lot more patience than he was feeling. Every nerve in his body was screaming at him to get on with things, but he knew that if he didn’t take the time to calm Rowan down, they wouldn’t be doing anything else at all. “It’s just something that you didn’t expect, that’s all.”
“You’re not mad?” Rowan asked timidly.
Neil pushed down a surge of anger at the thoughts of how badly Rowan must have been punished for each slight mistake. “No, baby, I’m not mad,” he said, pulling Rowan into a tight hug. “Still frustrated as hell,” he teased. “But not mad at all. I said it already and I’ll say it again . . . I don’t want to do anything you’re not ready for.”
“I . . . I want to,” Rowan said. “What you did felt really great, I mean, better than really great. I want to make you feel that good, b-but I’m messing it up like I mess up everything.”
“Hey.” Neil put his finger underneath Rowan’s chin and tilted it up so the teenager had to look him in the eye. “You don’t mess everything up,” he said firmly. “And you’re doing just fine.” He kissed Rowan deeply, hoping that would soothe away some of his fears. “And if you like,” he said, pulling away and whispering right into Rowan’s ear, “we can keep going, and I’ll make you feel better than great again.”
Rowan let out a trembling little moan. “O-Okay,” he managed.
“Then I need to go get something,” Neil said, just starting to remember the technicalities of sex between two men. “I’ll be right back, okay?”
Rowan nodded, and Neil left the room, wrapping a towel around his waist on the off chance that he ran into his mother. Getting up the stairs to the bathroom was an adventure, given that he was so turned on he could barely walk. He was never sure later exactly how he made it there and back, not to even mention finding the half full jar of Vaseline in the back of the cupboard.
When he came back in the room, Rowan had gotten under the covers, and they were pulled to his waist. Upon seeing Neil, he shyly drew them up further. For a moment, Neil mistook it for just modesty, then realized that Rowan was trying to hide his scars. “Don’t,” he said softly, dropping the towel and sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“Don’t what?” Rowan asked nervously.
“Don’t hide from me,” Neil said. “You’re beautiful.”
Predictably, Rowan blushed a deep red and muttered a disclaimer. Neil pushed the blankets away and surveyed Rowan’s slim form with undisguised admiration (and more than a bit of lust). Rowan cringed a little under this inspection. “I’m . . . I’m all scarred, and . . .” His voice trailed off and he looked away, letting his hair hang in his face and hide it from view.
Neil reached out and gently pushed back his hair. “Your scars don’t change the fact that you’re beautiful,” he said softly. “They don’t change the fact that I love you.”
Rowan turned his face unconsciously towards Neil’s touch. He made no resistance as Neil kissed him gently, no resistance as Neil pushed him down onto the bed. He let out a gasp as Neil leaned down to kiss the scar that ran across his collarbone. He closed his eyes when Neil took hold of his wrist and began to kiss up his inner forearm, pressing his lips against each scar that marred his pale skin. He even began to relax, until Neil licked along the scar that ran across his stomach.
“Jesus,” he gasped out, totally unprepared for his body’s response.
Neil slowly kissed his way up Rowan’s chest, until he could again whisper in his ear. “I want you,” he said. “But I don’t want to do anything without your permission. I don’t want to take you if you don’t want me to.”
Rowan opened his mouth to say something along the lines of ‘get on with it, already’, but that nervousness came back, choking him into silence. The best he could manage was a whimper. It wasn’t that he was afraid of what Neil was going to do to him, or afraid that it would hurt, or that Neil didn’t love him, or any of the usual fears. He was simply caught up in the paralyzing fear that he wasn’t going to be good enough. Somehow, he was going to mess this up, this precious, wonderful, once in a lifetime moment - he was mortally certain of this.
“It can wait,” Neil said gently, seeing his hesitation. He lay down beside Rowan and wondered how inelegant it would be to simply jerk off; if he didn’t get to finish, he was going to go absolutely crazy. “For some other time. There’ll be other nights like this, other chances. I don’t plan on letting go of you.”
“I’m sorry,” Rowan whispered. He didn’t think it would have been possible to have felt more inadequate or like a worse lover than he did in that moment. “God, I’m so useless, I . . .”
“Stop that,” Neil said. “You’re not useless. You’re nervous. Anyone losing their virginity is nervous. Hell, I’m nervous.”
Rowan blinked at him. “Y-You are?” he ventured. “Why?”
Neil ran a hand through his hair and gave a slightly embarrassed laugh. “Oh, lots of reasons . . . mostly that I’m afraid I won’t be able to make this good for you, and that you won’t enjoy it. I don’t want you to get a bad impression of sex, and I know that it can hurt the first time . . . so I’m worried that I won’t be good enough.”
These words, so parallel to what Rowan had been thinking, left the younger teenager floored. He stared at Neil in complete incomprehension, wondering how Neil could possibly think he wouldn’t be good enough - and wondering if his own fears would seem just as strange to Neil.
“I know it’s dumb,” Neil said sheepishly.
“No, it’s not,” Rowan said quickly. “It’s just strange. I mean . . . you’ve already made me . . .” He blushed deeply and stopped the rest of his sentence before it could escape. “I don’t see how you think you could be doing badly. All I’ve done is choke.”
“So you’re nervous about the same thing?” Neil asked. “I guess it makes sense. I think it’s a natural thing to be scared of.”
“You think so?” Rowan asked, starting to feel miles better.
“Yeah,” Neil said. “I mean, your first time is kind of a big event, and something you only get one chance at. So let’s make a deal - we’ll go ahead, but if we don’t like something the other person’s doing, or we think it’s going badly, we’ll stop and rethink. You think you can do that?”
Rowan blushed and nodded. “I’ll try,” he said shyly.
Neil kissed him again, and although it was as deep and as passionate as the previous kisses, it was gentler, less demanding. Rowan melted into it, and some of the tension drained away from his muscles. Despite his mind’s fears and the nervousness that had left him paralyzed, his body wasn’t hesitating in the slightest in letting him know exactly what it wanted.
He relaxed as Neil pushed him down so he was lying against the pillows. He remained relaxed while Neil caressed him, hands brushing feather light up and down his body. When he did tense up, it was with a moan of pleasure. Neil seemed to be able to find every sensitive spot on his skin - not that there was a lack of many to choose from - and was taking advantage of that.
“Comfortable?” Neil pulled away from their kiss, his face flushed and his lips slightly parted. Rowan took the opportunity to pull in some much needed oxygen. He didn’t think he had ever seen anything as beautiful as Neil was right at that moment. All he could manage was a dumbstruck nod.
“Good,” Neil said. Rowan was leaning against the pillows with his upper half slightly propped up. It gave Neil plenty of room for what he had in mind. “Just tell me if you want me to stop or change something, okay?” he asked, and Rowan nodded again.
“What . . .” Rowan’s voice trailed off and he looked a little chagrined. At Neil’s encouraging look, he found his voice again. “What’s the Vaseline for?”
Neil blushed and explained.
“You read a lot of porn, don’t you,” Rowan said. His tone was thoughtful, but there was a teasing hint to it.
“Hey!” Neil sputtered. “What else was I supposed to do, waiting for you to come around?”
Rowan sobered at that. “I . . . I really am sorry about that, you know. I - ”
“Shhh,” Neil said, and kissed him again. One hand traced downwards slowly, over Rowan’s hip and along the underside of his thigh. Neil fumbled with the Vaseline and managed to smear a good amount on his fingers. Rowan tensed when he felt Neil touch him, then let out a little sigh and tried to relax.
“You okay?” Neil asked.
“Nn . . . yeah . . .”
Neil wasn’t quite as sure. Rowan’s face was tense and strained; he did not look like he was enjoying himself. Neil winced in sympathy and kissed him deeply, trying to distract him. He curved his fingers slightly, and Rowan let out a sharp gasp. “Jesus Christ,” he managed.
Neil couldn’t hold back a chuckle. “There?”
“God and Jesus, yes,” Rowan said.
Neil lifted his hips a little, trying to angle a little better. Rowan gritted his teeth a little as Neil pushed into him.
For a few moments, they were motionless. Then Neil slowly started to move against him.
“Neil . . .?” Rowan’s voice was a definite question.
“You all right?” Neil asked, picking up on the tension in his tone immediately.
“I’m . . .” Rowan squirmed against him, trying to get more comfortable. Neil closed his eyes and prayed for patience; Rowan’s movements against him were almost too much. “Sorry,” Rowan said. “This is just . . . really awkward. Could we move, do you think?”
“Sure,” Neil said, noting that Rowan’s legs were splayed out rather awkwardly. He pulled away. “Try rolling over?”
“Then I won’t be able to see you . . . or kiss you . . .”
“Well, let’s just try it.”
“Okay.” Rowan rolled over, moving slowly. He already felt a little sore, and he wasn’t sure whether or not that was normal. He felt Neil move behind him, and was about to protest again that he couldn’t see Neil, but didn’t have the chance. When Neil was finished moving, he had forgotten about protesting anyway.
“You okay?” Neil asked again.
“Uh . . .” Rowan said, his hands clenching down on fistfuls of the sheets. “Uh huh.” He tilted his head back as Neil dropped a kiss on his shoulder, and his back arched as Neil moved against him. He couldn’t hold back a moan, and then flushed, embarrassed by the thought of how loud he was being.
Neil decided very quickly that Rowan was right; as much as this position was easier, he didn’t particularly like it. Not being able to kiss Rowan, or see his expression as he made those delightful whimpering noises, was driving him crazy. “Hold on a sec,” he said, and pulled away again. Rowan let out a slight cry in disappointment, then Neil tugged on his shoulders and turned him around.
They kissed briefly, then Neil settled Rowan on his lap. “Think this might work better for both of us,” he said, his hands carefully guiding Rowan’s hips as the teenager settled himself. “How are you doing?” Neil asked.
“I’m . . . just . . . great,” Rowan managed. His hands clenched down on Neil’s shoulders. He could barely think, let alone answer Neil’s question in a coherent manner. For the moment, he was holding himself still; he was sure that the moment he moved, his entire world was going to dissolve. He let his forehead rest on Neil’s shoulder for a minute.
“You’re sure?” Neil gasped out.
In answer, Rowan rocked against him. It was just a slight movement, but enough to make both of them moan.
“Jesus, Rowan,” Neil managed. He put his arms around Rowan’s waist, one hand settling on the small of his back, the other wandering up and down his spine, brushing over his skin. Rowan kissed him, a long, languorous kiss that mirrored his slow movements. His hands tangled in Neil’s hair as Neil broke free of the kiss and leaned his head downward, concentrating his lips and tongue on the sensitive places he had found earlier on Rowan’s neck and shoulders. Rowan let out a deep moan and rocked more sharply against him.
Slowly, Neil leaned backwards, resting his head and shoulders on the mound of pillows at one end. It gave Rowan more freedom to move, and the teenager took advantage of that immediately. Neil couldn’t hold back a groan as his hips bucked up against Rowan’s. He was beginning to seriously worry that he was going to embarrass himself and leave Rowan hanging.
Rowan didn’t seem to have noticed this; he was completely caught up in what was happening. His hands traced patterns aimlessly on Neil’s chest and stomach, and he didn’t seem aware of what they were doing. He was gasping for breath and crying out with every movement.
Neil opened his eyes and stared up at Rowan, engraving the image in his memory, even though he knew it was something he would see again. “You’re so beautiful,” he said, reaching up with both hands to steady Rowan on top of him. “I love you so much.”
Rowan tried to reply in kind. What came out was a strangled whimper, followed closely by a, “Please . . .”
“Jesus,” Neil managed. He didn’t think he could imagine a better sound than that word said in that tone by that voice. He also didn’t think he was going to last much longer. He reached down from where his hands had been on Rowan’s hips, taking him in hand in the literal sense of the phrase. Rowan let out another sharp cry, and his movements sped up.
He moaned Neil’s name, and then the world went white before his eyes and for a few seconds he lost touch with everything. He thought he might have passed out, but he was oddly aware of what was happening, even though his body was so overwhelmed that it could hardly feel anything.
Neil managed about another thirty seconds before it was too much for him. He came as Rowan half-collapsed on top of him, and rested against his chest.
They lay in silence for a few long minutes as they both tried to catch their breath. Then Rowan shifted, moving over so he was lying on his side with his face against Neil’s chest. He hummed contently and showed no signs of opening his eyes, much less getting up to clean himself off.
Neil agreed whole-heartedly. “Did you like it, love?” he asked sleepily.
“Hmm,” Rowan said. “Mm. S’wonderful.” He sounded rather proud of himself for managing that many syllables. “Sleep now?”
“Sure,” Neil said, running his hand through Rowan’s hair. “Sleep now,” he said. “I’ll be here when you wake up . . . always.” He leaned over and kissed Rowan’s temple. “I’ll always be here.”
Rowan smiled, and he dozed, but the smile lingered on his face long after they were both sound asleep.
1) This hitches directly with the dream scene after the prom. (Refer if necessary to chapter 16.) So remember that this is dream!Rowan and dream!Neil.
2) I have a strong aversion to terms like "manhood" and "length" and just about every other euphemism for penis that exists. Thus, I have a tendency to be very vague when I write lemons. Just so you know.
3) I tried to make this realistic. Thus, it is not a sparklyshinyhappy!loss of virginity, it's a clumsynervousvirginsex!lemon, which involves a lot of things that aren't usually in lemons. Like choking. I figured, why not? ^_^ Also a lot of talking, thus why it's so long. Anyway... uhm.... think that's it. Enjoy. ^_^
Neil reached out and pulled Rowan into an embrace. “I will never let him hurt you,” he murmured. “You’re done with that, it’s over. I’m never going to let him hurt you again. I’ll protect you from him, I promise.”
Rowan nodded and nestled closer, enjoying the warmth of Neil’s embrace. “Thank you,” he said. “Don’t really know why I’m worth that, but . . .”
“Shhh.” Neil leaned down and kissed him again to cut off the words.
They kissed for a long time, and each successive kiss was deeper and more passionate.
“Are you sure . . . you want to . . .” Neil managed, although his brain had mostly turned off as they stumbled towards his bedroom. He was suddenly glad his bedroom was on the first floor; he didn’t think they could have managed stairs in their condition.
“I’m sure,” Rowan said breathlessly, shutting the door behind him. “I’m very sure. I’m an adult now, remember?”
“Believe me,” Neil said, “that’s not something I’m going to forget.” He took hold of Rowan by the front of the shirt and pulled him closer, into another kiss. Rowan went along with this gladly, wrapping his arms around Neil’s waist and moving closer, pressing their bodies together.
They broke apart a few moments later, both of them gasping for breath.
“Won’t your mother hear?” Rowan asked, sounding a little worried.
Neil thought about teasing Rowan with a question about whether or not he intended to be loud, then decided against it. The other teenager was clearly so insecure and uncertain in what he was doing that it was probably a bad idea to be anything other than totally reassuring. “Nah,” he said. “She’s a really sound sleeper. I know from years of experience that nothing wakes her up. And she sleeps with music on, which will help. She has ever since my father died.”
“Oh . . .” Rowan blushed, looking away a little. “Okay.”
Seeing the blush, Neil put one finger underneath Rowan’s chin and tilted it up so their eyes met, which only made Rowan’s blush deepen. “If I go too far, you have to stop me, okay?” he asked, worried. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. If you change your mind, that’s okay.”
Rowan nodded a little. “I’m sorry,” he said, in a rush.
“Ssshh,” Neil said, kissing his lips gently. “We’ll take it slow.”
“I don’t even know how,” Rowan blurted out, and his cheeks burned bright red. He cursed the fact that he’d stopped to ask about Neil’s mother and given himself time to think about what they were going to do. Cursed the fact that he was going to disappoint Neil, that he didn’t know how to react, that he felt and was acting like a clumsy, terrified virgin. “I mean, I never have,” he hastily corrected himself, although the first statement was accurate as well.
Neil gave him an even look, rather suspecting that both statements were true. “Well, I haven’t either,” he said, trying to keep his voice light and amused. “Although I know the basic idea.” God only knew that over the course of his friendship with Rowan, he’d been plenty frustrated enough to find some, shall we say, relieving materials. His mother would have killed him if she’d caught him reading it, but it had been worth the risk at times.
Of course, Rowan was so uptight about his sexuality - not to mention so terrified of his father - that Neil had little doubt that Rowan had any idea what they were going to do at all. The fact that he still looked frightened now only added to that statement.
“Oh,” Rowan said, at length. He took a few long seconds to debate his next question. “Wh-What do we do, then?”
“You were enjoying kissing, right?” Neil asked, and Rowan blushed and nodded. “Then let’s do that for a little while before we try anything more adventurous.” Neil’s body ached with frustration, but he tried to ignore that for the time being. Moving too quickly would only scare Rowan more, but he’d been plenty enthusiastic a few minutes ago. Neil just had to remind him of that.
He wrapped his arms around Rowan’s waist and pulled the smaller boy in for a kiss. Rowan tensed slightly, then relaxed into his embrace. Neil kept the kisses gentle, undemanding, until Rowan began to reciprocate. The kisses deepened slowly, and Rowan started to lose the tension that held him a few inches away from Neil.
“This God damned tie is choking me,” he muttered, reaching up to tug at the bow tie that had come with his tuxedo. Neil laughed and reached up to undo it for him, putting it on the table. Then he slid Rowan’s jacket back off his shoulders.
“It’ll probably be a lot more comfortable without these,” Neil said, hoping that this wouldn’t make Rowan flinch again. Fortunately, it didn’t. Rowan actually seemed a lot more comfortable now that he was out of the formal aspects of the suit. “Oh, hang on, I want to lock the door,” Neil added.
“You said your mother wasn’t going to wake up!” Rowan protested, alarmed.
Neil smiled at him. “She isn’t, but I bet she’ll be up before us in the morning.”
“Oh.” Rowan relaxed as Neil locked the door. “Yeah, that makes sense.”
Neil reached out and pulled him in for another kiss, keeping hold of the front of his shirt with one hand but letting the other wander, delicately tracing over Rowan’s back. He couldn’t get enough of kissing Rowan. He knew that there was other stuff that would be a lot more fun, but for now, he just couldn’t get past this first step. Each kiss was soft, undemanding, gentle, but at the same time promised so much more.
He reached up and ran his hand through Rowan’s hair, tugging out the elastic band and letting it spill around his face. Rowan shivered slightly as Neil’s fingers ran through it, then caressed over his face. The kisses deepened. Neil reached behind Rowan and started to fumble with the cummerbund.
A few moments later, confounded, he stopped and pulled away. “How does this thing work?” he asked. He felt a sudden surge of sympathy for all the guys he had heard complaining about being unable to get bras off girls.
Rowan began to giggle. “They’re not hard.”
“My mom fastened mine for me,” Neil admitted. He tried to not be obvious about how very much he was enjoying it as Rowan reached around behind him and unfastened his cummerbund and tossed it aside. He tried to not stare as Rowan reached behind himself and took off his own.
He couldn’t help but stare when Rowan started to unbutton the dress shirt that had come off beneath it.
“What, you think I can’t manage buttons?” he asked. He tried to sound casual. His voice nearly cracked and ruined it.
“I suppose you probably can.” Rowan saw that Neil was watching him. He blushed fiercely, and went down the line of buttons more slowly. Neil’s brain nearly snapped in half. Rowan was teasing him.
He stared.
Rowan reached the last button and slowly slid the shirt off his shoulders, revealing the plain white T-shirt he had worn underneath. He dropped the dress shirt on the floor and looked at Neil uncertainly.
Neil just watched him. He had to make a concerted effort to keep his eyes from being drawn to the scars that marred Rowan’s pale skin.
Slowly, ever so slowly, Rowan hooked his fingers underneath the T-shirt and pulled it off. He dropped it next to his dress shirt and pushed his hair out of his face. Taking off the shirt had dislodged it.
When Neil still didn’t move, his hands hovered near his pants, but then he blushed again and looked away. Neil did not need to be a genius to figure out that Rowan wasn’t yet comfortable with the idea of stripping to his skin. He decided to work on that. A few steps forward had Rowan in his arms again, and he playfully tumbled them both onto the bed.
Rowan giggled. “Hey, how come you get to decide what’s going on?” he asked Neil, as the older teenager hovered above him. “I think I should get to.”
They began to wrestle for who got to be on top, rolling back and forth on Neil’s bed, which was thankfully a double, or else they would have rolled right off and onto the floor. They kissed a few more times as they mock struggled, and Rowan began to fumble with the buttons on Neil’s shirt. After a few seconds, Neil was also topless, and he had Rowan pinned down to the bed with his arms held down at either side of his head.
Both of them were breathless.
“Well,” Rowan said, smiling, “you caught me. The question is, what are you going to do with me?”
“Do with you?” Neil asked indignantly. “I’m going to have my way with you. Did you even need to ask?”
Rowan began to giggle. This got worse as Neil let go of his hands and reached down to tickle him, his fingers sliding over Rowan’s skin. Rowan let out a little squeak and tried to get free, but Neil was bigger than him and his superior weight held Rowan to the mattress. He strained upwards, pressing their hips together, and both of them forgot about tickling and stopped to catch their breath again.
“God . . .” Rowan managed, and then Neil kissed him and he couldn’t speak at all. He pressed upwards again, rubbing his hips against Neil’s and making them both moan. He had forgotten about being embarrassed, being ashamed, being afraid. All that mattered were Neil’s fingers on his skin and the friction between them.
“I want you so bad,” Neil growled, and Rowan moaned again, unable to help it. Neil’s lips moved as he explored the skin available to him. He stopped and nipped gently at the skin right beneath Rowan’s ear, and was delighted at the sensitive spot he found there. Rowan whimpered, his hand tangling in Neil’s hair, and bit down on his lip to keep from making a louder noise.
Neil pulled away for a few moments just to catch his breath. Rowan blinked up at him, his gaze adoring and a little lustful.
“I love you,” he said, with a sweet little smile.
“I love you too,” Neil said. He leaned down for another kiss, then trailed soft kisses down Rowan’s neck and over his chest. Rowan let out a soft gasp, one of his hands twisting in Neil’s hair, then a louder moan as Neil’s lips brushed over his nipple.
“Oh, God,” he managed.
Neil laughed a little. “There?” he asked, flicking his tongue lightly over the same place.
“Right there,” Rowan gasped out. “God, that feels good . . .”
“Good,” Neil said, devoting more serious attention to the spot. His fingers traced lightly over the skin of Rowan’s chest for a few moments before settling on his other nipple. Rowan let out a choked gasp, and his eyes closed tightly.
After a few moments of torturing him, Neil pulled away again slightly, staring down at the look on Rowan’s face and trying to commit it to memory. Then he leaned over and planted a light kiss on Rowan’s stomach. Rowan squirmed a little; apparently, he was ticklish there. Neil noted this and skimmed his fingers up Rowan’s sides. He was rewarded with a little giggle.
“Ticklish, love?” Neil asked, amused.
“A little,” Rowan said, squirming to his best advantage. Neil closed his eyes and tried to keep his hormones in check. “But mostly just impatient . . .”
Neil was rather amazed. Apparently, once Rowan’s nerves were soothed, he was every bit as horny as any teenaged guy. “Well, let’s see what I can do about that,” he said. He leaned in for another hungry kiss, one hand drifting downward. Rowan made a small, unidentifiable noise as Neil’s hand traced over the front of his pants.
Without waiting for Rowan to have a chance to object - terrified, suddenly, that if he gave him the chance, he would take it - Neil undid the button and zipper, and slid the pants down. Not wanting to lose momentum, Neil pulled Rowan’s boxers - black silk? He had to presume Rowan had bought them for the occasion - down as well. They bunched around his ankles. Neil shifted slightly and pulled them the rest of the way off, tossing them onto the floor. Rowan let out a choked whimper.
Rowan took a few deep, shaky breaths. “Neil . . .” he managed, and if there was more to his statement, he forgot it moments later.
Neil touched him lightly at first, experimentally, seeing what got the best reaction. He leaned down and nipped at Rowan’s ear, smiling as his lover moaned helplessly. Then he decided to get down to business. If Rowan was still nervous or afraid of sex at all, he wouldn’t be after Neil got through with him.
He leaned down and gave Rowan a quick, gentle lick. Rowan let out a strangled groan and his hips bucked upwards, but Neil had expected this, and backed away a few inches. He put his hands on Rowan’s hips and pinned them down to the bed, taking Rowan all the way into his mouth.
The younger teenager let out a gasping moan, his body straining against the hold that Neil had on him. He couldn’t think; he could barely breathe. He couldn’t even feel, except for Neil’s mouth on him. The rest of the world had faded to the point of completely inconsequential.
“Neil . . . I . . .” Rowan wondered vaguely if he was being coherent, wondered if he was being as loud as he thought he was. He tried to quiet down, tried to say something that made an ounce of sense. What came out was another gasping cry. “God - I - ”
And then there was nothing; he felt startlingly adrift, as if he had been thrown out of his body, unable to handle anything so good. His vision went white, and he let out a choked noise, one hand tightening on Neil’s hair enough to be painful.
He came back to earth either a few minutes or several days later, and looked over at Neil, who grinned at him. “Wow,” he managed, feeling rather dazed. “That was, uh . . .” Words failed him. He closed his eyes and wondered if it would be inconsiderate to fall asleep. He decided that it would, and shook off the lethargy that was threatening to consume him.
“You can rest, if you want,” Neil said, his eyes travelling appreciatively over the line of Rowan’s body. “I can wait.”
“That’s okay,” Rowan said, sitting up and stretching, stifling a yawn. He was aware of Neil’s gaze fixed on him, and blushed a little. “I can’t just leave you hanging, right?” His own eyes flickered to Neil, who was still half-dressed, sitting up next to him.
“I’d survive somehow,” Neil said dryly.
“Yeah, but you don’t have to . . .” Rowan put his hand on Neil’s chest and gently pushed the other teenager back so he was lying down. Neil let himself be pushed, since he really didn’t feel like arguing with anything Rowan might want to offer. He did, however, notice that Rowan seemed to be getting nervous again.
“Hey,” he said softly, catching Rowan’s wrist. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I know,” Rowan said, ducking his head a little so his hair hung in his face. “But . . . I want to make you feel good. I . . . I just want to try.”
“Okay,” Neil said. “But . . . just say something if you get uncomfortable, okay?”
Rowan nodded a little. He settled himself on Neil’s thighs, looking down at him contemplatively for a few seconds. One hand traced idly, feather light, over Neil’s chest. Neil closed his eyes, settling more comfortable against the pillows. His entire body was tingling a little, and wherever Rowan’s fingers trailed seemed to jump to attention.
“I’m not sure what to do,” Rowan finally admitted.
Neil tried to breathe. “Well, if it helps any, I already feel great,” he said, and Rowan let out a nervous laugh. “If you can’t think of anything, just remember things I did to you that made you feel good, and do those.”
“Oh.” Rowan had to admit that this made good sense. He leaned down and nipped at Neil’s ear. “Like this?” he asked, his voice low and quiet and somehow unbelievably sexy.
Neil strangled back an undignified groan. “Yeah,” he managed. “Like that.”
“Hm.” Rowan let his lips trail down Neil’s throat, licking hesitantly at the bare skin. Neil lifted one hand and traced down Rowan’s back, not really thinking about his movements, just wanting more contact. “What about this?” Rowan asked, leaning down and nibbling at his collarbone.
Neil choked. “You’re doing . . . fine. I swear.”
“Okay.” Rowan continued to scatter light kisses over Neil’s chest and stomach, then started playing with the button of Neil’s pants. Neil wanted to scream at him to get on with it, but managed to contain himself admirably. He suspected that Rowan’s sudden hesitance was more from his own misgivings than from any desire to tease him.
After a few seconds, Rowan pulled his hands away and went back to what he had been doing a few minutes earlier. Neil gently took hold of his wrists and guided them back to where they had been. “It’s okay,” he said. “You don’t need to be nervous.”
“Says you,” Rowan said, and began to tug at the button and zipper hastily. Neil let out a groan that he had not planned to let escape his lips. Between the two of them, they managed to get Neil’s pants and underwear off, and they joined Rowan’s on the floor. Rowan looked a lot more nervous now that they were naked together, but was determined not to show it. Neil, who was too busy writhing under Rowan’s hesitant touch, didn’t notice.
“Like this?” Rowan asked uncertainly, leaning down.
“Oh, God, yes,” Neil managed to choke out. He did his best to keep still. Although Rowan was not experienced or particularly talented, Neil didn’t have anything to compare to - and given that it was his first time as well, was hard put to not make a lot of noise. After a few minutes, instinct got the better of his control. His hips jerked upwards, and Rowan pulled away, gagging.
“Sorry!” Neil exclaimed, sitting up a little. “Are you okay?”
Rowan nodded, still coughing. Then he shook his head. “Sorry,” he managed. “I . . . I didn’t mean to . . .”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Neil said. “That was partly my fault anyway . . .”
Rowan just shook his head again. “I’m no good at this,” he said, sounding close to tears. “I can’t even give a stupid blowjob without messing up . . .”
“Rowan, you’re doing fine,” Neil said, with a lot more patience than he was feeling. Every nerve in his body was screaming at him to get on with things, but he knew that if he didn’t take the time to calm Rowan down, they wouldn’t be doing anything else at all. “It’s just something that you didn’t expect, that’s all.”
“You’re not mad?” Rowan asked timidly.
Neil pushed down a surge of anger at the thoughts of how badly Rowan must have been punished for each slight mistake. “No, baby, I’m not mad,” he said, pulling Rowan into a tight hug. “Still frustrated as hell,” he teased. “But not mad at all. I said it already and I’ll say it again . . . I don’t want to do anything you’re not ready for.”
“I . . . I want to,” Rowan said. “What you did felt really great, I mean, better than really great. I want to make you feel that good, b-but I’m messing it up like I mess up everything.”
“Hey.” Neil put his finger underneath Rowan’s chin and tilted it up so the teenager had to look him in the eye. “You don’t mess everything up,” he said firmly. “And you’re doing just fine.” He kissed Rowan deeply, hoping that would soothe away some of his fears. “And if you like,” he said, pulling away and whispering right into Rowan’s ear, “we can keep going, and I’ll make you feel better than great again.”
Rowan let out a trembling little moan. “O-Okay,” he managed.
“Then I need to go get something,” Neil said, just starting to remember the technicalities of sex between two men. “I’ll be right back, okay?”
Rowan nodded, and Neil left the room, wrapping a towel around his waist on the off chance that he ran into his mother. Getting up the stairs to the bathroom was an adventure, given that he was so turned on he could barely walk. He was never sure later exactly how he made it there and back, not to even mention finding the half full jar of Vaseline in the back of the cupboard.
When he came back in the room, Rowan had gotten under the covers, and they were pulled to his waist. Upon seeing Neil, he shyly drew them up further. For a moment, Neil mistook it for just modesty, then realized that Rowan was trying to hide his scars. “Don’t,” he said softly, dropping the towel and sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“Don’t what?” Rowan asked nervously.
“Don’t hide from me,” Neil said. “You’re beautiful.”
Predictably, Rowan blushed a deep red and muttered a disclaimer. Neil pushed the blankets away and surveyed Rowan’s slim form with undisguised admiration (and more than a bit of lust). Rowan cringed a little under this inspection. “I’m . . . I’m all scarred, and . . .” His voice trailed off and he looked away, letting his hair hang in his face and hide it from view.
Neil reached out and gently pushed back his hair. “Your scars don’t change the fact that you’re beautiful,” he said softly. “They don’t change the fact that I love you.”
Rowan turned his face unconsciously towards Neil’s touch. He made no resistance as Neil kissed him gently, no resistance as Neil pushed him down onto the bed. He let out a gasp as Neil leaned down to kiss the scar that ran across his collarbone. He closed his eyes when Neil took hold of his wrist and began to kiss up his inner forearm, pressing his lips against each scar that marred his pale skin. He even began to relax, until Neil licked along the scar that ran across his stomach.
“Jesus,” he gasped out, totally unprepared for his body’s response.
Neil slowly kissed his way up Rowan’s chest, until he could again whisper in his ear. “I want you,” he said. “But I don’t want to do anything without your permission. I don’t want to take you if you don’t want me to.”
Rowan opened his mouth to say something along the lines of ‘get on with it, already’, but that nervousness came back, choking him into silence. The best he could manage was a whimper. It wasn’t that he was afraid of what Neil was going to do to him, or afraid that it would hurt, or that Neil didn’t love him, or any of the usual fears. He was simply caught up in the paralyzing fear that he wasn’t going to be good enough. Somehow, he was going to mess this up, this precious, wonderful, once in a lifetime moment - he was mortally certain of this.
“It can wait,” Neil said gently, seeing his hesitation. He lay down beside Rowan and wondered how inelegant it would be to simply jerk off; if he didn’t get to finish, he was going to go absolutely crazy. “For some other time. There’ll be other nights like this, other chances. I don’t plan on letting go of you.”
“I’m sorry,” Rowan whispered. He didn’t think it would have been possible to have felt more inadequate or like a worse lover than he did in that moment. “God, I’m so useless, I . . .”
“Stop that,” Neil said. “You’re not useless. You’re nervous. Anyone losing their virginity is nervous. Hell, I’m nervous.”
Rowan blinked at him. “Y-You are?” he ventured. “Why?”
Neil ran a hand through his hair and gave a slightly embarrassed laugh. “Oh, lots of reasons . . . mostly that I’m afraid I won’t be able to make this good for you, and that you won’t enjoy it. I don’t want you to get a bad impression of sex, and I know that it can hurt the first time . . . so I’m worried that I won’t be good enough.”
These words, so parallel to what Rowan had been thinking, left the younger teenager floored. He stared at Neil in complete incomprehension, wondering how Neil could possibly think he wouldn’t be good enough - and wondering if his own fears would seem just as strange to Neil.
“I know it’s dumb,” Neil said sheepishly.
“No, it’s not,” Rowan said quickly. “It’s just strange. I mean . . . you’ve already made me . . .” He blushed deeply and stopped the rest of his sentence before it could escape. “I don’t see how you think you could be doing badly. All I’ve done is choke.”
“So you’re nervous about the same thing?” Neil asked. “I guess it makes sense. I think it’s a natural thing to be scared of.”
“You think so?” Rowan asked, starting to feel miles better.
“Yeah,” Neil said. “I mean, your first time is kind of a big event, and something you only get one chance at. So let’s make a deal - we’ll go ahead, but if we don’t like something the other person’s doing, or we think it’s going badly, we’ll stop and rethink. You think you can do that?”
Rowan blushed and nodded. “I’ll try,” he said shyly.
Neil kissed him again, and although it was as deep and as passionate as the previous kisses, it was gentler, less demanding. Rowan melted into it, and some of the tension drained away from his muscles. Despite his mind’s fears and the nervousness that had left him paralyzed, his body wasn’t hesitating in the slightest in letting him know exactly what it wanted.
He relaxed as Neil pushed him down so he was lying against the pillows. He remained relaxed while Neil caressed him, hands brushing feather light up and down his body. When he did tense up, it was with a moan of pleasure. Neil seemed to be able to find every sensitive spot on his skin - not that there was a lack of many to choose from - and was taking advantage of that.
“Comfortable?” Neil pulled away from their kiss, his face flushed and his lips slightly parted. Rowan took the opportunity to pull in some much needed oxygen. He didn’t think he had ever seen anything as beautiful as Neil was right at that moment. All he could manage was a dumbstruck nod.
“Good,” Neil said. Rowan was leaning against the pillows with his upper half slightly propped up. It gave Neil plenty of room for what he had in mind. “Just tell me if you want me to stop or change something, okay?” he asked, and Rowan nodded again.
“What . . .” Rowan’s voice trailed off and he looked a little chagrined. At Neil’s encouraging look, he found his voice again. “What’s the Vaseline for?”
Neil blushed and explained.
“You read a lot of porn, don’t you,” Rowan said. His tone was thoughtful, but there was a teasing hint to it.
“Hey!” Neil sputtered. “What else was I supposed to do, waiting for you to come around?”
Rowan sobered at that. “I . . . I really am sorry about that, you know. I - ”
“Shhh,” Neil said, and kissed him again. One hand traced downwards slowly, over Rowan’s hip and along the underside of his thigh. Neil fumbled with the Vaseline and managed to smear a good amount on his fingers. Rowan tensed when he felt Neil touch him, then let out a little sigh and tried to relax.
“You okay?” Neil asked.
“Nn . . . yeah . . .”
Neil wasn’t quite as sure. Rowan’s face was tense and strained; he did not look like he was enjoying himself. Neil winced in sympathy and kissed him deeply, trying to distract him. He curved his fingers slightly, and Rowan let out a sharp gasp. “Jesus Christ,” he managed.
Neil couldn’t hold back a chuckle. “There?”
“God and Jesus, yes,” Rowan said.
Neil lifted his hips a little, trying to angle a little better. Rowan gritted his teeth a little as Neil pushed into him.
For a few moments, they were motionless. Then Neil slowly started to move against him.
“Neil . . .?” Rowan’s voice was a definite question.
“You all right?” Neil asked, picking up on the tension in his tone immediately.
“I’m . . .” Rowan squirmed against him, trying to get more comfortable. Neil closed his eyes and prayed for patience; Rowan’s movements against him were almost too much. “Sorry,” Rowan said. “This is just . . . really awkward. Could we move, do you think?”
“Sure,” Neil said, noting that Rowan’s legs were splayed out rather awkwardly. He pulled away. “Try rolling over?”
“Then I won’t be able to see you . . . or kiss you . . .”
“Well, let’s just try it.”
“Okay.” Rowan rolled over, moving slowly. He already felt a little sore, and he wasn’t sure whether or not that was normal. He felt Neil move behind him, and was about to protest again that he couldn’t see Neil, but didn’t have the chance. When Neil was finished moving, he had forgotten about protesting anyway.
“You okay?” Neil asked again.
“Uh . . .” Rowan said, his hands clenching down on fistfuls of the sheets. “Uh huh.” He tilted his head back as Neil dropped a kiss on his shoulder, and his back arched as Neil moved against him. He couldn’t hold back a moan, and then flushed, embarrassed by the thought of how loud he was being.
Neil decided very quickly that Rowan was right; as much as this position was easier, he didn’t particularly like it. Not being able to kiss Rowan, or see his expression as he made those delightful whimpering noises, was driving him crazy. “Hold on a sec,” he said, and pulled away again. Rowan let out a slight cry in disappointment, then Neil tugged on his shoulders and turned him around.
They kissed briefly, then Neil settled Rowan on his lap. “Think this might work better for both of us,” he said, his hands carefully guiding Rowan’s hips as the teenager settled himself. “How are you doing?” Neil asked.
“I’m . . . just . . . great,” Rowan managed. His hands clenched down on Neil’s shoulders. He could barely think, let alone answer Neil’s question in a coherent manner. For the moment, he was holding himself still; he was sure that the moment he moved, his entire world was going to dissolve. He let his forehead rest on Neil’s shoulder for a minute.
“You’re sure?” Neil gasped out.
In answer, Rowan rocked against him. It was just a slight movement, but enough to make both of them moan.
“Jesus, Rowan,” Neil managed. He put his arms around Rowan’s waist, one hand settling on the small of his back, the other wandering up and down his spine, brushing over his skin. Rowan kissed him, a long, languorous kiss that mirrored his slow movements. His hands tangled in Neil’s hair as Neil broke free of the kiss and leaned his head downward, concentrating his lips and tongue on the sensitive places he had found earlier on Rowan’s neck and shoulders. Rowan let out a deep moan and rocked more sharply against him.
Slowly, Neil leaned backwards, resting his head and shoulders on the mound of pillows at one end. It gave Rowan more freedom to move, and the teenager took advantage of that immediately. Neil couldn’t hold back a groan as his hips bucked up against Rowan’s. He was beginning to seriously worry that he was going to embarrass himself and leave Rowan hanging.
Rowan didn’t seem to have noticed this; he was completely caught up in what was happening. His hands traced patterns aimlessly on Neil’s chest and stomach, and he didn’t seem aware of what they were doing. He was gasping for breath and crying out with every movement.
Neil opened his eyes and stared up at Rowan, engraving the image in his memory, even though he knew it was something he would see again. “You’re so beautiful,” he said, reaching up with both hands to steady Rowan on top of him. “I love you so much.”
Rowan tried to reply in kind. What came out was a strangled whimper, followed closely by a, “Please . . .”
“Jesus,” Neil managed. He didn’t think he could imagine a better sound than that word said in that tone by that voice. He also didn’t think he was going to last much longer. He reached down from where his hands had been on Rowan’s hips, taking him in hand in the literal sense of the phrase. Rowan let out another sharp cry, and his movements sped up.
He moaned Neil’s name, and then the world went white before his eyes and for a few seconds he lost touch with everything. He thought he might have passed out, but he was oddly aware of what was happening, even though his body was so overwhelmed that it could hardly feel anything.
Neil managed about another thirty seconds before it was too much for him. He came as Rowan half-collapsed on top of him, and rested against his chest.
They lay in silence for a few long minutes as they both tried to catch their breath. Then Rowan shifted, moving over so he was lying on his side with his face against Neil’s chest. He hummed contently and showed no signs of opening his eyes, much less getting up to clean himself off.
Neil agreed whole-heartedly. “Did you like it, love?” he asked sleepily.
“Hmm,” Rowan said. “Mm. S’wonderful.” He sounded rather proud of himself for managing that many syllables. “Sleep now?”
“Sure,” Neil said, running his hand through Rowan’s hair. “Sleep now,” he said. “I’ll be here when you wake up . . . always.” He leaned over and kissed Rowan’s temple. “I’ll always be here.”
Rowan smiled, and he dozed, but the smile lingered on his face long after they were both sound asleep.