For the ones who influanced me the most.
I really don't know what to say. I'm not good at writing in journals but everyone tells me its natural and healthy to put your emotion in some form of text. I don't know.
If I had to talk about something...I guess I would talk about just some recent things in my life. Something to show I've made some progress somewhere. I've always said I had a talent for ideas and my imagination. I just never was good at being top dog. I'm always neutral if I can help it because I've never had a reason worth fighting for...anything...I'm not usually confrentational. I was taking meds for schitzoaffectivedisorder, but I quit them cold turkey. I quit them right before I went back to the city I was born in to try to make peace with my mother who I have a seriously strained relationship with...when she tries to write things to me....she is basically illiterate. And talking to her online is the only way I have to talk to her. I hadn't seen her for ten years before I took the trip down there. She was different yet predictable when I met her. I think about her even now and wonder if she understood the things I tried to tell her. I'm selfish. If my life could have been just her, me, and Dad....I think I would have been happier. Even if they had done drugs. But who am I to judge anyone for doing drugs? Who am I to judge if she cheated on my Dad or any other man she has been with? Who am I to judge anyone? I can't say I completely forgive her but I can say that she has impacted my life at least in a way that I will never forget...but she has. Yet...lol...she has her own version and memories of my past...maybe she is....damaged. I don't know the truth yet. And after my expiriance I don't think I ever will. But I felt the tightenss of her weak muscles hugging me. The feeling of tears pooling on the back of my neck or on my shoulder...as she cried and told me she didn't want to let me go. She will always be in pain...my pain is her pain....and there is nothing I can do to change that...because I think subconciously she remembers what she's done...she understands...
Through the pain she gave me, I learned to hate, and I'm sorry. I did bad things to people who were close to me. Doing things to satisfy myself and my endless insecurity. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could change the choices I made along the way to this point. I don't think I will ever be forgiven. And that's fine. I will still be here. In the darkness. Waiting. Waiting like I always do. Waiting for the day that I can find it in me to fight. To keep moving forwards.
The hate for myself spread to you all and It was my fault. Maybe I just didn't love you as much as I thought I did. Sometimes I just don't think. Sometimes I can't think. Sometimes I just get so caught up in my own stupid fantasies all I can focus on is the pleasures of my own mind. It's my fault. I'm selfish. But...in the time that I spent with you all...I learned so little obviously. I tried to do...something...or did I do nothing at all? I don't know.
Apologizing seems pretty stupid at this point. No one will ever know I wrote this or who I was writing it to...and I guess its better that way.
I miss you. I still think about you everyday. I still dream about the good times and the bad times. I still think about the promises we made to each other and the whispered secrets. I remember and am blissfully unaware of the insults. I don't need to be told what kind of person I am. I already know. And I have to live with it. Maybe someday we will meet again and share more ideas and laughter and fun? Or maybe you'll hate me and try to hurt me. I understand. Someday I will change. Maybe there is a heaven and a hell....maybe there isn't. Neither force has ever shown itself to me or influanced me. But from the look of things....My future is forever uncertain.
Looking forwards...
Knives @>---
If I had to talk about something...I guess I would talk about just some recent things in my life. Something to show I've made some progress somewhere. I've always said I had a talent for ideas and my imagination. I just never was good at being top dog. I'm always neutral if I can help it because I've never had a reason worth fighting for...anything...I'm not usually confrentational. I was taking meds for schitzoaffectivedisorder, but I quit them cold turkey. I quit them right before I went back to the city I was born in to try to make peace with my mother who I have a seriously strained relationship with...when she tries to write things to me....she is basically illiterate. And talking to her online is the only way I have to talk to her. I hadn't seen her for ten years before I took the trip down there. She was different yet predictable when I met her. I think about her even now and wonder if she understood the things I tried to tell her. I'm selfish. If my life could have been just her, me, and Dad....I think I would have been happier. Even if they had done drugs. But who am I to judge anyone for doing drugs? Who am I to judge if she cheated on my Dad or any other man she has been with? Who am I to judge anyone? I can't say I completely forgive her but I can say that she has impacted my life at least in a way that I will never forget...but she has. Yet...lol...she has her own version and memories of my past...maybe she is....damaged. I don't know the truth yet. And after my expiriance I don't think I ever will. But I felt the tightenss of her weak muscles hugging me. The feeling of tears pooling on the back of my neck or on my shoulder...as she cried and told me she didn't want to let me go. She will always be in pain...my pain is her pain....and there is nothing I can do to change that...because I think subconciously she remembers what she's done...she understands...
Through the pain she gave me, I learned to hate, and I'm sorry. I did bad things to people who were close to me. Doing things to satisfy myself and my endless insecurity. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could change the choices I made along the way to this point. I don't think I will ever be forgiven. And that's fine. I will still be here. In the darkness. Waiting. Waiting like I always do. Waiting for the day that I can find it in me to fight. To keep moving forwards.
The hate for myself spread to you all and It was my fault. Maybe I just didn't love you as much as I thought I did. Sometimes I just don't think. Sometimes I can't think. Sometimes I just get so caught up in my own stupid fantasies all I can focus on is the pleasures of my own mind. It's my fault. I'm selfish. But...in the time that I spent with you all...I learned so little obviously. I tried to do...something...or did I do nothing at all? I don't know.
Apologizing seems pretty stupid at this point. No one will ever know I wrote this or who I was writing it to...and I guess its better that way.
I miss you. I still think about you everyday. I still dream about the good times and the bad times. I still think about the promises we made to each other and the whispered secrets. I remember and am blissfully unaware of the insults. I don't need to be told what kind of person I am. I already know. And I have to live with it. Maybe someday we will meet again and share more ideas and laughter and fun? Or maybe you'll hate me and try to hurt me. I understand. Someday I will change. Maybe there is a heaven and a hell....maybe there isn't. Neither force has ever shown itself to me or influanced me. But from the look of things....My future is forever uncertain.
Looking forwards...
Knives @>---