(no subject)
So it's 10 AM and I'm still awake on a Tuesday morning.
I suppose this is the point where I lay down the big bad truth on what's buggin me, and that somewhere in there I'll talk my way into some huge realization about myself that makes me feel better and go to bed, but you know what? I'm just bored.
Completely fucking bored out of my skull.
Everything I've got set up is exactly the way it should be. And it's killing me. Work is completely in the status quo. My friends are doing well, getting along, with no real hiccups or backbiting of any kind. And my family is at least okay with how my schedule works and don't disturb me when they know I'm sleeping.
So what's my problem? I'm in a stable, secure place in life.
To be honest, I don't do stable well. You see, when I get stable, I get lazy. And when I get lazy, I start to get self-destructive. Don't misread or misinterpret this...I'll still pay my bills on time and I"m not a cutter. I just start getting moody, edgy, and start responding differently to things.
In other words, I start to stir up trouble.
This wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing if I had a very large circle of friends with varying degrees of closeness and the ability to meet and acquire new friendships to destroy. But I don't work that way, and I have a small and close-knit circle of friends, and no one deserves to be a target for me PMS'ing over nothing to do.
I stuck to myself for a week, tried to ride it out. I don't think it worked...if anything I find myself wanting to mess something up even more. Here I don't have anything to vent against. I never thought of myself as requiring some unspoken degree of drama to live.
Fuck it, I'll think of something...but for now, I require sleep. I'll think about it in the morning.
I suppose this is the point where I lay down the big bad truth on what's buggin me, and that somewhere in there I'll talk my way into some huge realization about myself that makes me feel better and go to bed, but you know what? I'm just bored.
Completely fucking bored out of my skull.
Everything I've got set up is exactly the way it should be. And it's killing me. Work is completely in the status quo. My friends are doing well, getting along, with no real hiccups or backbiting of any kind. And my family is at least okay with how my schedule works and don't disturb me when they know I'm sleeping.
So what's my problem? I'm in a stable, secure place in life.
To be honest, I don't do stable well. You see, when I get stable, I get lazy. And when I get lazy, I start to get self-destructive. Don't misread or misinterpret this...I'll still pay my bills on time and I"m not a cutter. I just start getting moody, edgy, and start responding differently to things.
In other words, I start to stir up trouble.
This wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing if I had a very large circle of friends with varying degrees of closeness and the ability to meet and acquire new friendships to destroy. But I don't work that way, and I have a small and close-knit circle of friends, and no one deserves to be a target for me PMS'ing over nothing to do.
I stuck to myself for a week, tried to ride it out. I don't think it worked...if anything I find myself wanting to mess something up even more. Here I don't have anything to vent against. I never thought of myself as requiring some unspoken degree of drama to live.
Fuck it, I'll think of something...but for now, I require sleep. I'll think about it in the morning.