Fic: Higher Education, 5/?
Title: Higher Education, 5/?
Author: knittycat99
Rating: R for kissing, language, and potential future sexual encounters
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kurt/Puck
Genre: romance, angst
Warning: AU
Spoilers: By this point, none. We're so far from canon you can't reach it with a 10 foot pole.
Disclaimer: I don't own the guys. I really wish I did.
Author Notes: My thoughts on what the future holds for our boys. This one is almost entirely dialogue. Just roll with it.
Summary: They move into and out of Kurt's life over the years, sometimes when he needs them and more often when he doesn't
Word Count: 2,062
Lay down with me, tell me no lies. Just hold me close, don’t patronize, don’t patronize me
-Bonnie Raitt
Fragments from Kurt’s dorm room
“Did you always know?” His hand rubbed lazy circles on Kurt’s back.
“I always felt different. But when you have no idea what sexuality even is, it’s kind of hard to identify what that difference is.”
“So when did you know?”
“5th or 6th grade. I just wasn’t interested in girls like the other boys. I liked boys instead.”
“Do you think I’m gay?”
“Noah Puckerman, you are definitely NOT gay.”
“But there’s you.”
“Having feelings for me, and only me, doesn’t make you gay.”
“Then why do I feel this way?”
“I can’t answer that for you.”
*****
“What was the tipping point?” He disentangled himself from Puck, sat up and ran a hand over his face.
“For what?”
“Getting you on an airplane to Boston.”
“Oh. I just… woke up this morning feeling like if I didn’t leave Lima immediately, I’d never do it. And then I’d end up angry and bitter and hating everyone and everything. I’d have ended up like my dad.”
“When did he leave?”
“I was 10. Got up one morning and he was just gone. He left me his guitar.” Puck nodded his head to the little alcove he had made with his desk, where the guitar case was propped against the wall. He watched as Puck swung his gaze away and said quietly, “I hate him. I think I’ll always hate him.”
Kurt decided to give Puck a minute; “I’m thirsty. Do you want a bottle of water?”
“Yeah.” Puck’s voice was a whisper.
“Puck?”
“Yeah?”
“You could never become your father.”
*****
Puck sat, back against the wall at the foot of Kurt’s bed, looking out at the twinkling lights of the city. “Why did you and Blaine really break up?”
“It was too hard. The distance and everything.”
“Don’t give me that shit. 2 hours isn’t that far away. And don’t feed me any crap about competing glee clubs, either.”
“He was my first. I’ll always love him for that. But really, I think we’re just better as friends. And it was mutual, just so you know.”
“You’re evading.”
“No, I’m-“
“Yes. You are. Answer the damn question.”
“Fine.” Kurt sighed in frustration. “Truth?”
“Please.”
“I was scared. Blaine had all these plans. For us. I mean, he had this ideal future planned out for us, where we went to fancy colleges and became brilliantly successful, and got married, and became your typical DINK gays.”
“DINK?”
“Double income, no kids.”
“So you didn’t want all of that?”
“I was seventeen-fucking-years old. I couldn’t even decide what to eat or wear every day. And I didn’t want to limit my future before it even started. Believe it or not, I also didn’t want to become my father.”
Puck let out a tiny, bitter-sounding laugh at that thought. “Whatever.”
“I’m serious. My dad met my mom when they were both just out of high school. He loved her, he loves me. But I also think he had dreams of his own and got tied down to them, to Lima, before he was really ready to. He’s not resentful or anything like that, but I do think he’s sad in a way that isn’t related to my mom dying. Or my being gay.”
“So you don’t want what Blaine did?”
“I’m not saying that. I just didn’t want it at 17.”
“What is your vision for your future?”
“Well, I have four more years of school at least, after this one.”
“Why?”
“Northeastern is a 5 year program. After sophomore year, I’ll spend a year doing two internships before I finish my academic classes. But if I decide to get a Master’s degree, it’ll probably be another two years beyond that.”
“What about family?”
“Someday. If I meet the right guy and maybe even if I don’t.”
“I think you’d be a good dad.”
“I’ve had a good role model.”
*****
Puck was still sitting against the wall, further away than Kurt wanted him. He turned around and settled himself with his back against Puck’s bent knees.
“I’m really the only guy you’ve been interested in?”
“Yeah.”
“Why me?”
“If I could answer that, I probably wouldn’t be here right now.”
“You said it started that day in the dumpster?”
“Yeah. And then, when you sang that duet with Blaine at Regionals, you were so . . . you really put yourself out there. You made me cry that day. Like a baby.”
“Finn told me.”
“But it was really last year. When you came back from Dalton and were more a part of things than you had ever been. When you’re confident, when you’re happy, you change. It’s really attractive. More than a little sexy. You intrigue me.”
“This you, the one here in my bed? You intrigue me, too.”
*****
Stretched out again, Puck spooned with Kurt’s back against his chest. Dude was more buff than he looked.
“There really haven’t been any guys since Blaine?”
“Nope.”
“Not even dates?”
“Oh. There have been a string of go-nowhere, eternally boring, please-don’t-call-me-again dates. I think I’ve mastered the art of the bad first date.”
“What’s the problem?”
“I go to school in what is arguably the largest college town in the country, and I can’t meet a triple threat to save my life.”
“Triple threat?”
Kurt raised a hand and counted. “Smart. Subtly witty. Able to hold a coherent, engaged conversation about something other than their hometown, their major, sports or reality TV. I really don’t think I’m asking for much, but the universe appears to disagree. I actually feel like I’m doing penance for some misdeed I don’t even remember.”
“Your standards sound reasonable to me. Dumb kind of loses its appeal after a while.”
Kurt turned in his arms to shoot him a Look Of Death. “Dumb never appealed to me.”
“Sure. I seem to remember an epic crush on Finn. Dude’s like my brother, but he’s pretty dim.”
“What can I say? I was young. It was mildly endearing.”
“There have to have been some decent ones.”
“Some of them were nice, but none of them were worth it.”
“Worth what?”
“Worth me.”
Puck felt like he was missing something, and said as much. Kurt sat up again, turning to face him and crossing his legs underneath himself. “Have I ever told you about having The Talk with my dad?”
“No.”
“So, when I first started at Dalton, after everything with Karofsky…”
“The bullying, and the kiss, the one in the locker room?”
Puck had heard this story at Nationals in D.C., when they were all piled into the double beds in the girls’ room sharing first kiss stories.
“Yeah. Anyway, I was a little gun shy, and Blaine decided to intervene. He actually told my dad that he needed to get over himself and give me the sex talk. So Dad goes down to the free clinic and gets all these pamphlets, which he gives me and then he sits me down at the kitchen table. And he tells me that even though sex feels good, and I’m going to like it and want to keep doing it, I need to look out for myself. He tells me not to throw myself around for no-strings sex because I’m worth more than that. And that’s what I think of when I go on a first date. I ask myself if he’s worth putting myself out there so intimately, and the answer is usually no.”
“Would I be worth it?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
*****
It is Kurt’s turn to hold Puck close, and he kind-of twines his fingers through Puck’s.
“What do you feel for me? I mean, what do you think you feel for me?”
“Like I said, you intrigue me.”
“And?”
“When you smile, when you’re happy, my stomach drops to my feet. Your new preppy college boy look and your confidence is a total turn on.”
“Feelings, Puck. I know you don’t ‘do’ feelings, but dig deep for me here.”
He can feel Puck tense in frustration. “I’m trying. Just…. God, Kurt, just let me talk.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Like I told you, I’m not real good at this.” He’s silent for a minute, and Kurt can feel him control his breathing while he figures out what to say. “OK. First of all, don’t respond. Just let me talk.”
“I can do that.”
“If I’m going to be totally honest, which is a place I don’t go very often, I think I might love you. I mean, I might be in love with you.”
Kurt’s breath catches in his throat. He had kind of half-expected this after that kiss, but he didn’t think that Puck would actually cop to it. In fact, it’s the act of admission that tells Kurt the most. The core feelings might be love, but more than anything Puck is trusting him. Just like feelings, Kurt somehow knows that Puck doesn’t usually ‘do’ trust. This is huge.
“I mean, I thought that I loved Quinn, but that felt nothing like this. When I got on that plane this morning, all I could think about was you. What it would feel like to see you again. That wherever you were could be home to me. When I saw you waiting for me at the subway? It was like I felt such relief. And then we kissed and it was like the world opened up.”
“Oh.”
*****
He’d been dancing around it all night. He hadn’t wanted to scare Kurt, didn’t want to pressure him, and yet he felt like if he admitted what had been stirring inside of him for all this time, it would seem like it was coming out of nowhere. It kind of was. After all, he’d been carrying it around with him. He knew, even if he had been trying to deny it; but he figured it would come as a shock to Kurt. What he hadn’t expected, when he turned to look at Kurt, was the openness and softness on his face.
*****
When Kurt looked in Puck’s eyes, he saw clear into his soul. It was all laid bare there, and Kurt thought that maybe he could get lost if he let go at all. In a way, hearing Puck’s admission, feeling it, was like that first kiss with Blaine all over again; nothing else existed in that moment except for the two of them. Puck was offering Kurt his own broken and imperfect heart; it was a gift of possibility, but Kurt knew he would be taking a risk by accepting it.
*****
Puck felt more than saw the hesitation in Kurt’s mind. He had to do something, tip the scales into his favor somehow. He decided to take the plunge, tucked his hand behind Kurt’s head and gently pressed his lips to Kurt’s.
*****
The kiss was like nothing and everything, so different from the earlier one. Where that first kiss had been passion and frustration, this was potential and promise. Kurt’s mind reeled. What was he doing? If he jumped into this, he was going to be all in; neither he nor Puck did anything halfway. Kurt’s thoughts were echoing is he worth it? Take the chance. Is he worth it? Yes. Oh yes. He gave in to the kiss, to the doubt, to the hope. He opened himself to Puck, and let go.
*****
Puck felt Kurt, relaxed in sleep, breathing beside him. Puck had long believed that the simple act of sleeping, curled around another person in the night, was one of the most intimate things you could share. That’s why he never stayed over, or allowed girls to stay at his house. That would have been giving them too much. But he wanted to give himself, heart and soul, to Kurt. He had all these feelings filling him up, want and need and love. He could breathe for the first time in what felt like forever. And there was something else, something warm and soft that he felt towards Kurt, something that he thought might be tenderness. He tightened his arm across Kurt’s chest, and whispered “don’t you dare hurt me” into the darkness before sleep finally claimed him.