Primeval fic: How To Train Your Humans (Crack)
Title: How To Train Your Humans
Author: knitekat
Word Count: 542
Characters: OFC, (Nick Cutter, Stephen Hart)
Rating: 12
Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures. Certainly not me. Writing for fun and will replace.
A/N: A bit of crack.
A/N2: Thanks go to Fredbasset for looking at it for me.
My new charges were some of the worse I had ever had the misfortune to encounter. They didn’t even meet the most minimal of standards we feline expect as our due. I knew it would take extreme effort on my part to train them up, but… I felt they had some potential. And if it didn’t work out, there was always that little old lady three doors down - someone I would be visiting even if I stayed here.
I sighed. These charges needed a firm claw and I would do my best. For now, I made a list of the various basic standards I would require, not the full standards I deserved but adequate for now.
Firstly, food. I am used to the food being place before me to conform to certain standards. The muck they originally tried to give me was so disgusting I doubted even a dog would eat it. I turned my nose up at it and groomed myself, showing the disdain I felt for their complete failure. Later, when the taller of the two cooked fresh meat I made my needs clear by twining between his legs and pawing at the odd coverings all humans feel the need to cover themselves in - probably in shame of their furless nature. I was most relieved when I discovered this particular human was responsible for both the provision of food and had a quick mind when it came to figuring out my needs.
Secondly, my own personal entrance. This problem, I was pleased to note, didn’t take long to rectify. A night of yowling and strategically placed claws while they slept had them swiftly leaving the next morning to return with a box. An interesting box that I had great enjoyment with, although I soon lost interest when I realised the taller - and clearly brainier - of the humans had fitted a door to their own. Excellent, now I could enter and leave without having to rely on one of my humans understanding basic feline communication, something my humans struggled with.
Thirdly, that their bed was mine and I only allowed them to sleep there. I yowled the first night the shorter man picked me up and dumped me outside the swiftly closed door. I slipped inside as soon as it reopened and jumped onto the bed, kneading the covers before settling down. It took less than a week for them to admit defeat, even if they still tried to keep their matings private.
It took slightly longer to train them to realise when I required attention and when I wished to be left alone with my thoughts. I found sitting on whatever they were staring at soon encouraged them to stroke me while a well timed swipe of the claws or a soft hiss dissuaded their attention.
Still, I was happy my hard work was paying off - the little old lady was, however, visited as she was a source of tuna. Even better, I was convinced my humans were far happier than when I had first met them and it was, of course, all down to my influence.
Not that I would sit on my laurels, after all, they still had a long way to go before they met my standards.
Author: knitekat
Word Count: 542
Characters: OFC, (Nick Cutter, Stephen Hart)
Rating: 12
Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures. Certainly not me. Writing for fun and will replace.
A/N: A bit of crack.
A/N2: Thanks go to Fredbasset for looking at it for me.
My new charges were some of the worse I had ever had the misfortune to encounter. They didn’t even meet the most minimal of standards we feline expect as our due. I knew it would take extreme effort on my part to train them up, but… I felt they had some potential. And if it didn’t work out, there was always that little old lady three doors down - someone I would be visiting even if I stayed here.
I sighed. These charges needed a firm claw and I would do my best. For now, I made a list of the various basic standards I would require, not the full standards I deserved but adequate for now.
Firstly, food. I am used to the food being place before me to conform to certain standards. The muck they originally tried to give me was so disgusting I doubted even a dog would eat it. I turned my nose up at it and groomed myself, showing the disdain I felt for their complete failure. Later, when the taller of the two cooked fresh meat I made my needs clear by twining between his legs and pawing at the odd coverings all humans feel the need to cover themselves in - probably in shame of their furless nature. I was most relieved when I discovered this particular human was responsible for both the provision of food and had a quick mind when it came to figuring out my needs.
Secondly, my own personal entrance. This problem, I was pleased to note, didn’t take long to rectify. A night of yowling and strategically placed claws while they slept had them swiftly leaving the next morning to return with a box. An interesting box that I had great enjoyment with, although I soon lost interest when I realised the taller - and clearly brainier - of the humans had fitted a door to their own. Excellent, now I could enter and leave without having to rely on one of my humans understanding basic feline communication, something my humans struggled with.
Thirdly, that their bed was mine and I only allowed them to sleep there. I yowled the first night the shorter man picked me up and dumped me outside the swiftly closed door. I slipped inside as soon as it reopened and jumped onto the bed, kneading the covers before settling down. It took less than a week for them to admit defeat, even if they still tried to keep their matings private.
It took slightly longer to train them to realise when I required attention and when I wished to be left alone with my thoughts. I found sitting on whatever they were staring at soon encouraged them to stroke me while a well timed swipe of the claws or a soft hiss dissuaded their attention.
Still, I was happy my hard work was paying off - the little old lady was, however, visited as she was a source of tuna. Even better, I was convinced my humans were far happier than when I had first met them and it was, of course, all down to my influence.
Not that I would sit on my laurels, after all, they still had a long way to go before they met my standards.