Primeval fic: Through The Looking Glass
Title: Through The Looking Glass
Author: knitekat
Word Count: 2856
Characters: James Lester/Connor Temple, OCs.
Rating: 18
Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures. Certainly not me. Writing for fun and will replace.
A/N: For my Primeval Bingo Card (round 4) prompt: Domestic Bliss (4/25) and my h_c bingo card prompt: Wild Card (Forced To Hurt Someone). Thanks go to Fred for the beta.
Warnings: Dystopia. Dark themes - mind control, non-con/dub-con, angst, suicidal thoughts.
I knew I should have stayed in my office rather than deciding to visit an anomaly, but Connor had been very persuasive and eventually I’d agreed. Now look where it had got us. Lost on the wrong side of an anomaly. I almost said as much to Connor, except I saw his sorrowful expression and couldn't bring myself to say the words. Good God, being in a relationship with Connor had made me soft.
Before I could begin to berate myself for such a lack of judgement - becoming soft, not falling in love with Connor - I heard Connor's cheer and looked up to see that stunning smile, the one that made me remember why I'd fallen for him.
“Look, James. It's opened again.”
I frowned at the anomaly, I could have sworn it hadn't opened in the same spot, a few feet at most different but... I was sure it would be important. “Are you sure?”
Connor paused in mid-celebration to look at me worriedly. “James?”
“I mean, I'm sure it isn't in the same place as the other one. Are you completely sure it is the same one?”
Connor frowned as he stared at the anomaly, glancing around as if looking for landmarks before he nodded. “I think you're right. Maybe one of us should check it first?” He strode toward it before I could stop him and stuck his head through it. Idiot boy.
I shook my head at the impulsiveness of youth as I reached to drag him back, but he was suddenly yanked forward, his arm wheeling as he was swallowed whole by the anomaly.
I threw caution to the wind and rushed through, only to stop in shock at the sight. Several black-clad soldiers were pointing guns at the anomaly and hence at me. Worse though, Connor was on his back staring up, wide-eyed, at the soldiers who were pointing their rifles at him.
How dare anyone threaten him? But common sense had me biting my tongue and swallowing my natural inclination to snark at them. I knew I had little choice but to raise my hands in a non-threatening manner and hope I could talk to someone in charge. Once I had, I was certain that this little misunderstanding would be quickly sorted out, but before I could say a word, Connor spoke up. Dear God, the young man had little sense of self-preservation.
“Take us to your leader.” Connor shot me a grin that faded somewhat under my quelling gaze. Sometimes I really wondered why I'd ever fallen for him... but only sometimes.
“Hands up,” one of the soldiers told me roughly, his eyes as cold as his voice.
The fact that I already had my hands up left me wondering at the intelligence of the man, but it seemed wise not to remark on that. Not if I wanted to meet whoever was in charge and find out where - or possibly when - we had ended up. Once we knew that, well, I had confidence that Connor would get us home.
***
The interrogation was methodical and somewhat brutal in its efficiency and I could only hope Connor had kept to the standard cover story any of the ARC personnel were supposed to use if captured.
I soon grew bored of answering the same question asked in different ways by a variety of unsubtle interrogators, but I assumed we had either finally satisfied them or they were giving us enough rope to hang ourselves with when we were released.
I knew we would have to be cautious in our search for a way home. I had the distinct feeling that the rather interestingly named 'Office of Integration and Resettlement' might not be as helpful as its name implied.
***
I slowly drove my new car - nowhere as good as my previous one and hopefully soon to be current car again - into the driveway of our new home and turned the engine off. I frowned when I noticed that almost all the gardens, except our own, were carefully tended, and that, along with the cleanliness of the cars, was not what I would necessarily have expected from a housing estate in the rough end of town. Oh, it could have been civic pride but I felt it was more likely this was a place the OIR put those people like myself and Connor so they could keep an eye on us. With that thought, I took a moment to look more carefully at the area and took note of which curtains twitched at our arrival. I had to wonder how many of those who dwelt here were informers for the OIR.
“James?”
Connor drew my attention back to the here and now and I smiled at him before leaning over for a quick kiss.
“Let's see our new home,” I told him, climbing out and waiting for him to join me before we entered our house. Inside was in just as much disarray as the garden and I must have pulled a disapproving face.
“It's not that bad, James.” Connor informed me before flopping onto the settee and flicking on the TV.
I shook my head fondly at him before heading to see what our kitchen held. I frowned at the knock on the front door as I past it and cautiously opened it to find two well-dressed men standing outside, one with a covered pot in his hands.
“Hi,” the younger of the two said with a genuine smile, one that had his blue eyes sparkling. “Sam and I saw you'd just moved in and thought you'd do with a meal.” He nodded to the pot he was carrying. “Assuming your kitchen is an empty as ours was.”
Well, that confirmed that this was a dumping ground for people who wondered through the anomalies. Not that meant I was going to trust these two men, but manners and curiosity had me stepping back and inviting them both inside. “I'm James.”
“I'm Sam Henson and this is my husband, Gary.” Sam introduced himself. “Sorry to turn up unannounced.”
“Not at all,” I murmured, every instinct I had saying there was more to this than good neighbours or showing solidarity with another gay couple. However, that suspicion did stop me inviting them inside, and not only because I was hungry and not in the mood for cooking. No, I, we needed information and, informers or not, I knew our new neighbours would be able to provide it - wittingly or not.
***
In the days that followed, Sam and Gary came over several times and we visited their house on multiple occasions. Like our own home, their house looked lived in and somewhat unkempt. Although they were friendly and helpful, I had the distinct feeling that they were cautiously testing us. We must have past their tests, for it was not long after we moved in that the two men turned up at our front door one Saturday, picnic hampers packed and I found myself in the countryside much to my distaste and Connor's amusement.
It took several hours before either man opened up to Connor and myself and the story they told had me wondering if they'd seen too many films. I dismissed their story as fantasy, so of course, Connor loved it, but then, he had always loved a good conspiracy.
At least, I dismissed it until one Monday when they went to work and didn't come home until late on Tuesday. On Wednesday, Connor went around to see if we were still invited over that evening and quickly returned to get me. At first I wondered why before I noticed their garden was now perfect and their house spotless. I nodded hello to Sam before turning to find Gary standing there, looking almost as if his strings had been cut before he snapped to attention when he realised I was looking at him.
Gary's smile sent a shiver down my back, it was fixed and bright but this time it didn't reach his eyes, which were dull... dead like those of the future shark Cutter had brought into my ARC. He was slow to laugh, slow to change expression and looked with such devotion at Sam that it almost gave me cavities. By chance I caught a look on Sam's face when he looked at Gary, I saw the pain and loss clearly reflected in his eyes and knew they'd tried to tell me the truth but I hadn't listened.
That night, after we made love, I made Connor promise me to be careful, I could only hope he listened. I knew he'd continue to search for answers, for a way home, but now I knew he'd also look into whatever had been done to Gary.
***
I strolled up my front path, an eyebrow quirking when I noticed that the flower beds had been weeded and the lawn edged as well as mowed. I frown as I opened the front door, my mind flashing back to Sam and Gary... to the change in personality and pushed the door open with somewhat more force than normal. I almost winced at the bang it made before crinkling my nose up as the somewhat nauseating smells of polish and freshly baked bread assaulted me. Connor didn't cook, he certainly didn't know where the polish was. I placed my briefcase on the floor and swallowed hard before calling out, “Con? I'm home.”
I turned at the sound of the kitchen door opening and accepted the kiss from Connor. “I've made your favourite, James. Why don't you freshen up while I get you a brandy?” He turned to head back into the kitchen and my mind almost blanked when I realised he was wearing a pair of tight red jeans.
“Connor?” I asked cautiously, making myself concentrate on the important thing, although Connor's arse did look delicious, the jeans showing it off to perfection.
Connor swung around and my heart skipped a beat as his face was, just for an instant, totally blank and soulless before he smiled brightly at me. A smile that didn't get anywhere near his eyes. “Freshen up, tea will be ready in a jiff.”
Oh God, what had they done to Connor. Fuck that, I knew the answer and I would get my lover back. One way or the other. Whoever controlled this fucked up world had just made me very angry.
***
I lay in bed, pretending to be asleep when Connor crawled in beside me. “Let me please you, James.”
I clamped my eyes tightly closed before shaking my head and rolling over to stare at the wall, refusing to weep for what I had lost. “Not tonight, Con. I've got a headache.” God, I was now channelling my ex-wife.
“Another migraine, love?” Connor asked as his hand rubbed between my shoulders. “I know just how to take your mind off it.”
I started to protest before Connor's hand gripped me firmly, tugged me onto my back and proceeded to make me forget everything except how good it felt. I held his shoulders just as he engulfed me to the root and I am ashamed to say, I held him there as he took me to bliss.
Afterwards I lay awake in our bed, my arms around Connor's waist as I watched him sleep. As still as the dead or like a robot with its power switched off and I had to fight down a shudder at that thought. I couldn't react, I just couldn't or we'd be in even more trouble than we currently were.
Fuck it! We'd become careless in our search for answers and they'd worked out what we were doing. It made sense for them to target Connor, he was possibly one of the few people who could have stopped them. And I knew they knew, as long as they had Connor, I was just as much a prisoner. I couldn't act against them, not when they controlled Connor, when they could do anything to him.
Not that I'd take what they'd done lying down, but I would have to appear to do so while I plotted and planned to save Connor. I knew I couldn't let him know what I was doing, for then they would know and stop me... or worse. I recalled an item on the news, of someone who'd just stepped off a building. I'd seen the devastated face of their partner and recognised the look of someone who blamed themselves for the death and now I knew why. I had no wish to see Connor do the same if the OIR realised I was planning to escape.
I swallowed when Connor shifted in his sleep before his eyes snapped open, blank and lifeless before he 'woke' and smiled at me. His hands were insistent as they touched me and it took what seemed like forever for him to stroke me to full arousal. I felt cold when he rode me, knowing he had no choice. I wish I could have refused but then I risked them taking Connor from me, as they had taken Gary from Sam when he could no longer pretend everything was normal.
***
It took all my self-control, learned over a lifetime of dealing with idiots, to act as normally as I could. A slight slip here and there was required to keep up the pretence that they'd succeeded in their goal, but inside I was plotting and planning. They wouldn't know what hit them when I was done with them. No one harmed Connor or made me hurt him. Not if they wanted a safe and secure life. Oh, I might not be as technologically skilled as Connor, but I had skills they knew nothing about. Ones I had never told Connor about for I had bidden goodbye to that life years ago, otherwise we wouldn't be in this position for they would never had let me remain free if they'd known.
It would take me time, I could not risk my freedom, for without it we would both be lost forever and, no doubt, in the hands of people who wouldn't care we were humans. I swallowed as I remembered seeing Gary again, wearing different clothing and smiling inanely at some other man. He didn't recognise me and I had seen the look on the face of his new 'lover', the man didn't care for Gary, only what he could use the enslaved man for.
I knew I could trust no one with my plans, for anyone could be working for the OIR. I couldn't even tell Connor. Oh, he wouldn't realise it, but I knew he would betray me to his new masters as soon as they asked him too.
Driven to desperation by the situation, I scoured the papers for any rumours of anomalies - including those papers I would not have normally even glanced at - and even went as far as driving Connor off to the countryside for romantic trysts. As much as it broke my heart to have to watch what Connor had become and what I had to do to preserve what freedom we had, I had to give us both a reason to be in the countryside if an anomaly did open.
When Connor entered our room, I turned, feeling my torn soul wither at the sight of him. It hurt to watch him now, to see the happy and eager young man I'd fallen in love with reduced to this soulless husk.
I vowed then that I would free Connor, somehow, no matter what it took. I took a deep breath, knowing what that would mean, but if Connor was to be abused, I would be the bastard who did it, even if it meant losing him forever when he realised what I had done.
Connor came willingly into my arms when I tugged him close. He was eager for my touch and it almost broke me as I blinked back tears that I could not let fall. I swore on my tarnished honour that I would get him home, even at the cost of my own life or even freedom. What happened to me didn't matter, not after what I'd done, what I would have to do to keep him safe.
I smiled grimly, they wouldn't know until it was too late that Connor wasn't the greatest threat to their world. Once Connor was safe I would show them exactly why they should have feared me. I would take great pleasure in destroying each and every one of them and take their world down in flames.
Not that I expected to escape the destruction and carnage I would unleash upon them, but then, I had no right to, not after all I had done and all I would have to do. I would fight them until the end, for I would not surrender and be subjected to the nightmarish existence Connor now endured. No, I would save the last bullet for myself and I would smile as I pulled the trigger.
Author: knitekat
Word Count: 2856
Characters: James Lester/Connor Temple, OCs.
Rating: 18
Disclaimer: Primeval belongs to Impossible Pictures. Certainly not me. Writing for fun and will replace.
A/N: For my Primeval Bingo Card (round 4) prompt: Domestic Bliss (4/25) and my h_c bingo card prompt: Wild Card (Forced To Hurt Someone). Thanks go to Fred for the beta.
Warnings: Dystopia. Dark themes - mind control, non-con/dub-con, angst, suicidal thoughts.
I knew I should have stayed in my office rather than deciding to visit an anomaly, but Connor had been very persuasive and eventually I’d agreed. Now look where it had got us. Lost on the wrong side of an anomaly. I almost said as much to Connor, except I saw his sorrowful expression and couldn't bring myself to say the words. Good God, being in a relationship with Connor had made me soft.
Before I could begin to berate myself for such a lack of judgement - becoming soft, not falling in love with Connor - I heard Connor's cheer and looked up to see that stunning smile, the one that made me remember why I'd fallen for him.
“Look, James. It's opened again.”
I frowned at the anomaly, I could have sworn it hadn't opened in the same spot, a few feet at most different but... I was sure it would be important. “Are you sure?”
Connor paused in mid-celebration to look at me worriedly. “James?”
“I mean, I'm sure it isn't in the same place as the other one. Are you completely sure it is the same one?”
Connor frowned as he stared at the anomaly, glancing around as if looking for landmarks before he nodded. “I think you're right. Maybe one of us should check it first?” He strode toward it before I could stop him and stuck his head through it. Idiot boy.
I shook my head at the impulsiveness of youth as I reached to drag him back, but he was suddenly yanked forward, his arm wheeling as he was swallowed whole by the anomaly.
I threw caution to the wind and rushed through, only to stop in shock at the sight. Several black-clad soldiers were pointing guns at the anomaly and hence at me. Worse though, Connor was on his back staring up, wide-eyed, at the soldiers who were pointing their rifles at him.
How dare anyone threaten him? But common sense had me biting my tongue and swallowing my natural inclination to snark at them. I knew I had little choice but to raise my hands in a non-threatening manner and hope I could talk to someone in charge. Once I had, I was certain that this little misunderstanding would be quickly sorted out, but before I could say a word, Connor spoke up. Dear God, the young man had little sense of self-preservation.
“Take us to your leader.” Connor shot me a grin that faded somewhat under my quelling gaze. Sometimes I really wondered why I'd ever fallen for him... but only sometimes.
“Hands up,” one of the soldiers told me roughly, his eyes as cold as his voice.
The fact that I already had my hands up left me wondering at the intelligence of the man, but it seemed wise not to remark on that. Not if I wanted to meet whoever was in charge and find out where - or possibly when - we had ended up. Once we knew that, well, I had confidence that Connor would get us home.
***
The interrogation was methodical and somewhat brutal in its efficiency and I could only hope Connor had kept to the standard cover story any of the ARC personnel were supposed to use if captured.
I soon grew bored of answering the same question asked in different ways by a variety of unsubtle interrogators, but I assumed we had either finally satisfied them or they were giving us enough rope to hang ourselves with when we were released.
I knew we would have to be cautious in our search for a way home. I had the distinct feeling that the rather interestingly named 'Office of Integration and Resettlement' might not be as helpful as its name implied.
***
I slowly drove my new car - nowhere as good as my previous one and hopefully soon to be current car again - into the driveway of our new home and turned the engine off. I frowned when I noticed that almost all the gardens, except our own, were carefully tended, and that, along with the cleanliness of the cars, was not what I would necessarily have expected from a housing estate in the rough end of town. Oh, it could have been civic pride but I felt it was more likely this was a place the OIR put those people like myself and Connor so they could keep an eye on us. With that thought, I took a moment to look more carefully at the area and took note of which curtains twitched at our arrival. I had to wonder how many of those who dwelt here were informers for the OIR.
“James?”
Connor drew my attention back to the here and now and I smiled at him before leaning over for a quick kiss.
“Let's see our new home,” I told him, climbing out and waiting for him to join me before we entered our house. Inside was in just as much disarray as the garden and I must have pulled a disapproving face.
“It's not that bad, James.” Connor informed me before flopping onto the settee and flicking on the TV.
I shook my head fondly at him before heading to see what our kitchen held. I frowned at the knock on the front door as I past it and cautiously opened it to find two well-dressed men standing outside, one with a covered pot in his hands.
“Hi,” the younger of the two said with a genuine smile, one that had his blue eyes sparkling. “Sam and I saw you'd just moved in and thought you'd do with a meal.” He nodded to the pot he was carrying. “Assuming your kitchen is an empty as ours was.”
Well, that confirmed that this was a dumping ground for people who wondered through the anomalies. Not that meant I was going to trust these two men, but manners and curiosity had me stepping back and inviting them both inside. “I'm James.”
“I'm Sam Henson and this is my husband, Gary.” Sam introduced himself. “Sorry to turn up unannounced.”
“Not at all,” I murmured, every instinct I had saying there was more to this than good neighbours or showing solidarity with another gay couple. However, that suspicion did stop me inviting them inside, and not only because I was hungry and not in the mood for cooking. No, I, we needed information and, informers or not, I knew our new neighbours would be able to provide it - wittingly or not.
***
In the days that followed, Sam and Gary came over several times and we visited their house on multiple occasions. Like our own home, their house looked lived in and somewhat unkempt. Although they were friendly and helpful, I had the distinct feeling that they were cautiously testing us. We must have past their tests, for it was not long after we moved in that the two men turned up at our front door one Saturday, picnic hampers packed and I found myself in the countryside much to my distaste and Connor's amusement.
It took several hours before either man opened up to Connor and myself and the story they told had me wondering if they'd seen too many films. I dismissed their story as fantasy, so of course, Connor loved it, but then, he had always loved a good conspiracy.
At least, I dismissed it until one Monday when they went to work and didn't come home until late on Tuesday. On Wednesday, Connor went around to see if we were still invited over that evening and quickly returned to get me. At first I wondered why before I noticed their garden was now perfect and their house spotless. I nodded hello to Sam before turning to find Gary standing there, looking almost as if his strings had been cut before he snapped to attention when he realised I was looking at him.
Gary's smile sent a shiver down my back, it was fixed and bright but this time it didn't reach his eyes, which were dull... dead like those of the future shark Cutter had brought into my ARC. He was slow to laugh, slow to change expression and looked with such devotion at Sam that it almost gave me cavities. By chance I caught a look on Sam's face when he looked at Gary, I saw the pain and loss clearly reflected in his eyes and knew they'd tried to tell me the truth but I hadn't listened.
That night, after we made love, I made Connor promise me to be careful, I could only hope he listened. I knew he'd continue to search for answers, for a way home, but now I knew he'd also look into whatever had been done to Gary.
***
I strolled up my front path, an eyebrow quirking when I noticed that the flower beds had been weeded and the lawn edged as well as mowed. I frown as I opened the front door, my mind flashing back to Sam and Gary... to the change in personality and pushed the door open with somewhat more force than normal. I almost winced at the bang it made before crinkling my nose up as the somewhat nauseating smells of polish and freshly baked bread assaulted me. Connor didn't cook, he certainly didn't know where the polish was. I placed my briefcase on the floor and swallowed hard before calling out, “Con? I'm home.”
I turned at the sound of the kitchen door opening and accepted the kiss from Connor. “I've made your favourite, James. Why don't you freshen up while I get you a brandy?” He turned to head back into the kitchen and my mind almost blanked when I realised he was wearing a pair of tight red jeans.
“Connor?” I asked cautiously, making myself concentrate on the important thing, although Connor's arse did look delicious, the jeans showing it off to perfection.
Connor swung around and my heart skipped a beat as his face was, just for an instant, totally blank and soulless before he smiled brightly at me. A smile that didn't get anywhere near his eyes. “Freshen up, tea will be ready in a jiff.”
Oh God, what had they done to Connor. Fuck that, I knew the answer and I would get my lover back. One way or the other. Whoever controlled this fucked up world had just made me very angry.
***
I lay in bed, pretending to be asleep when Connor crawled in beside me. “Let me please you, James.”
I clamped my eyes tightly closed before shaking my head and rolling over to stare at the wall, refusing to weep for what I had lost. “Not tonight, Con. I've got a headache.” God, I was now channelling my ex-wife.
“Another migraine, love?” Connor asked as his hand rubbed between my shoulders. “I know just how to take your mind off it.”
I started to protest before Connor's hand gripped me firmly, tugged me onto my back and proceeded to make me forget everything except how good it felt. I held his shoulders just as he engulfed me to the root and I am ashamed to say, I held him there as he took me to bliss.
Afterwards I lay awake in our bed, my arms around Connor's waist as I watched him sleep. As still as the dead or like a robot with its power switched off and I had to fight down a shudder at that thought. I couldn't react, I just couldn't or we'd be in even more trouble than we currently were.
Fuck it! We'd become careless in our search for answers and they'd worked out what we were doing. It made sense for them to target Connor, he was possibly one of the few people who could have stopped them. And I knew they knew, as long as they had Connor, I was just as much a prisoner. I couldn't act against them, not when they controlled Connor, when they could do anything to him.
Not that I'd take what they'd done lying down, but I would have to appear to do so while I plotted and planned to save Connor. I knew I couldn't let him know what I was doing, for then they would know and stop me... or worse. I recalled an item on the news, of someone who'd just stepped off a building. I'd seen the devastated face of their partner and recognised the look of someone who blamed themselves for the death and now I knew why. I had no wish to see Connor do the same if the OIR realised I was planning to escape.
I swallowed when Connor shifted in his sleep before his eyes snapped open, blank and lifeless before he 'woke' and smiled at me. His hands were insistent as they touched me and it took what seemed like forever for him to stroke me to full arousal. I felt cold when he rode me, knowing he had no choice. I wish I could have refused but then I risked them taking Connor from me, as they had taken Gary from Sam when he could no longer pretend everything was normal.
***
It took all my self-control, learned over a lifetime of dealing with idiots, to act as normally as I could. A slight slip here and there was required to keep up the pretence that they'd succeeded in their goal, but inside I was plotting and planning. They wouldn't know what hit them when I was done with them. No one harmed Connor or made me hurt him. Not if they wanted a safe and secure life. Oh, I might not be as technologically skilled as Connor, but I had skills they knew nothing about. Ones I had never told Connor about for I had bidden goodbye to that life years ago, otherwise we wouldn't be in this position for they would never had let me remain free if they'd known.
It would take me time, I could not risk my freedom, for without it we would both be lost forever and, no doubt, in the hands of people who wouldn't care we were humans. I swallowed as I remembered seeing Gary again, wearing different clothing and smiling inanely at some other man. He didn't recognise me and I had seen the look on the face of his new 'lover', the man didn't care for Gary, only what he could use the enslaved man for.
I knew I could trust no one with my plans, for anyone could be working for the OIR. I couldn't even tell Connor. Oh, he wouldn't realise it, but I knew he would betray me to his new masters as soon as they asked him too.
Driven to desperation by the situation, I scoured the papers for any rumours of anomalies - including those papers I would not have normally even glanced at - and even went as far as driving Connor off to the countryside for romantic trysts. As much as it broke my heart to have to watch what Connor had become and what I had to do to preserve what freedom we had, I had to give us both a reason to be in the countryside if an anomaly did open.
When Connor entered our room, I turned, feeling my torn soul wither at the sight of him. It hurt to watch him now, to see the happy and eager young man I'd fallen in love with reduced to this soulless husk.
I vowed then that I would free Connor, somehow, no matter what it took. I took a deep breath, knowing what that would mean, but if Connor was to be abused, I would be the bastard who did it, even if it meant losing him forever when he realised what I had done.
Connor came willingly into my arms when I tugged him close. He was eager for my touch and it almost broke me as I blinked back tears that I could not let fall. I swore on my tarnished honour that I would get him home, even at the cost of my own life or even freedom. What happened to me didn't matter, not after what I'd done, what I would have to do to keep him safe.
I smiled grimly, they wouldn't know until it was too late that Connor wasn't the greatest threat to their world. Once Connor was safe I would show them exactly why they should have feared me. I would take great pleasure in destroying each and every one of them and take their world down in flames.
Not that I expected to escape the destruction and carnage I would unleash upon them, but then, I had no right to, not after all I had done and all I would have to do. I would fight them until the end, for I would not surrender and be subjected to the nightmarish existence Connor now endured. No, I would save the last bullet for myself and I would smile as I pulled the trigger.