(no subject)
Yay! So here's the post I promised! Mostly to myself but whatever.
I've just spent the past three hours or so trying to decode what the heck this online class portal is supposed to be all about.
I feel elderly. Why am I completely incapable of understanding something that all of the idiots at my community college navigate handily?
Because I'm an idiot too, probably.
This is quite an epiphany.
I've spent the better part of my life truly believing that I was just as smart as everyone else. Smarter, in fact, than most people. I've never had any confidence in any part of myself *except* for the fact that I was oh so smart. So the fact that I'm average at best means that I excel at nothing, and that makes me want to cry. If I was ever as smart as I thought I was, would I still be living in Connecticut? In the same room that I grew up in? Not even close. I would have gone to college and finished a masters by now.
I wish I could just drop out of school and be happy as a bank teller. But I'll never be happy in school, I'll never be happy as a bank teller, I'll never be happy as anything.
So I guess I'm just at an impasse, and whats worse is that every day it gets harder and harder for me to talk to people I don't know, and I'm so afraid that within a few years I won't be able to talk to anyone. It all sounds so ridiculous, but I just don't know how to make myself feel better, but I don't intend on living life this way, either.
How's that for a post. Cheerful and stupid.
I've just spent the past three hours or so trying to decode what the heck this online class portal is supposed to be all about.
I feel elderly. Why am I completely incapable of understanding something that all of the idiots at my community college navigate handily?
Because I'm an idiot too, probably.
This is quite an epiphany.
I've spent the better part of my life truly believing that I was just as smart as everyone else. Smarter, in fact, than most people. I've never had any confidence in any part of myself *except* for the fact that I was oh so smart. So the fact that I'm average at best means that I excel at nothing, and that makes me want to cry. If I was ever as smart as I thought I was, would I still be living in Connecticut? In the same room that I grew up in? Not even close. I would have gone to college and finished a masters by now.
I wish I could just drop out of school and be happy as a bank teller. But I'll never be happy in school, I'll never be happy as a bank teller, I'll never be happy as anything.
So I guess I'm just at an impasse, and whats worse is that every day it gets harder and harder for me to talk to people I don't know, and I'm so afraid that within a few years I won't be able to talk to anyone. It all sounds so ridiculous, but I just don't know how to make myself feel better, but I don't intend on living life this way, either.
How's that for a post. Cheerful and stupid.