subject? what subject?
I will start out this entry with the usual confirmation of my still being alive. "Yes, I'm still alive." That said I will now proceed to update. So my life has taken a rather chaotic turn in the last week or so. Not to say my life was anything less than chaos to begin with, but there has been an increase in the magnitude. The last week or so has completely drained me. With everything from Angels in America to a very fucked up evening on Sat; from starting to converse more with someone I don't talk to often( this is a good thing mind you) to fighting with someone I miss talking to. Basically I lot of the relationships in my life are in a state of flux, simply put...they're changing. And as much as I know change is a necassary part of the world and shit happens and all that, it sucks. Anyone who's I've ever talked to about change before, whether it was a philosophical discussion or me trying to help you deal with something..you know how I feel about change. The rest of you, well you'll figure it out I'm sure. Anyway, so yeah, I guess you could say I'm not in a good place. People's behavior as of late has boggled my mind in a way I can't even begin to describe. People I think I know are acting in ways that not only don't make sense to me, but hurt me. I suppose it's just disappointing to an extent, to see people fall from your idea or you expectations of them. I hold people in high regard generally. I may try to play the cynic, and I suupose when it comes to the grand scheme I am one, but when it comes to the individuals I know and care about I have high expectations. I suppose it's because I want to believe in people, because if I can find even just one person that I can believe is a good person, some I can truly count on, then life gets a whole lot simpler.
I told someone the other night that I missed them and that I'd been trying to find someone else to fill the hole they left; in the sense that I was very close to this person, and when we stopped being close and we both kind of went our seperate ways (don't get me wrong, we still talk and see each other, but neither of us is as much a part of the others life) it left a...yearning, a need for a similar kind of companionship. That I have yet to find. I miss having one person to always be there and to always be there for. But, hey, you can't force that kind of relationship to develop. Basically what it comes down to is people's lives are like lines that bend and curve and intersect and bisect and all that geometry crap. And for a while our lives ran parallel, now they don't so much. It was good while it lasted right? I suppose that's all I can ask for.
This brings me another point. See we just had initiation a few days ago, and I was talking to one of the, then, AMs (Associate Members). I was trying to pass on some words of wisdom, because I knew how I felt when I was in his shoes; and I came accross a piece of my personal philosophy about life and fully articulated it to him, something I had not done before to the best of memory. And the basics of it are as follows: "What's important in life? Not material possessions, although they help. Not money, although that helps too. But people. In your life you will meet many people some of them important to you, some not; some of them you will know for a long time, others a short while. What matters is how you affect them. I look at life very simply...who's lives have I touched, who's lives have I made better or at least tried to make better. How have a changed those around me? Was it in a good way, did I have a positive influence on their life? Or was it for the worse? These are the things that people should be worried about. Sure take care of yourself as much as you need to, make enough money to live comfortably if you can, but always keep in mind your impact on others. Because that is the only way that we as human beings ever truly impact the world around us." This is basically what I said to the kid. Now don't mistake what I'm saying to mean that you should give away all worldy possessions to other people, hell your left leg if someone asks you. NO. Not what I'm saying, I may expect a lot of the people I know, but I do not expect that much of people in general. If you read this and find to be something that make sense to you, then I'm happy. That's really all there is to it. It's something I try to keep in mind, I can't always act well be everyone, but I can pick and choose my battles. I can try and help someone when I know there's a way to, and even when I don't; cause sometimes the effort is enough, ya know. The effort is enough to start things in new direction for people, maybe you didn't solve the problem, but you may have started the ball rolling towards the positive for someone.
Right then, this in one long ass entry. Whatever, I'm allowed to post really long entries sine I hardly ever post at all. Mayeb I'll post more often form now on. All I know is that I feel a bit better now. So goodnight all. If you'd like me to elaborate on anything in the entry feel free to comment and I will do so if I deem appropriate. Goodnight all.
I told someone the other night that I missed them and that I'd been trying to find someone else to fill the hole they left; in the sense that I was very close to this person, and when we stopped being close and we both kind of went our seperate ways (don't get me wrong, we still talk and see each other, but neither of us is as much a part of the others life) it left a...yearning, a need for a similar kind of companionship. That I have yet to find. I miss having one person to always be there and to always be there for. But, hey, you can't force that kind of relationship to develop. Basically what it comes down to is people's lives are like lines that bend and curve and intersect and bisect and all that geometry crap. And for a while our lives ran parallel, now they don't so much. It was good while it lasted right? I suppose that's all I can ask for.
This brings me another point. See we just had initiation a few days ago, and I was talking to one of the, then, AMs (Associate Members). I was trying to pass on some words of wisdom, because I knew how I felt when I was in his shoes; and I came accross a piece of my personal philosophy about life and fully articulated it to him, something I had not done before to the best of memory. And the basics of it are as follows: "What's important in life? Not material possessions, although they help. Not money, although that helps too. But people. In your life you will meet many people some of them important to you, some not; some of them you will know for a long time, others a short while. What matters is how you affect them. I look at life very simply...who's lives have I touched, who's lives have I made better or at least tried to make better. How have a changed those around me? Was it in a good way, did I have a positive influence on their life? Or was it for the worse? These are the things that people should be worried about. Sure take care of yourself as much as you need to, make enough money to live comfortably if you can, but always keep in mind your impact on others. Because that is the only way that we as human beings ever truly impact the world around us." This is basically what I said to the kid. Now don't mistake what I'm saying to mean that you should give away all worldy possessions to other people, hell your left leg if someone asks you. NO. Not what I'm saying, I may expect a lot of the people I know, but I do not expect that much of people in general. If you read this and find to be something that make sense to you, then I'm happy. That's really all there is to it. It's something I try to keep in mind, I can't always act well be everyone, but I can pick and choose my battles. I can try and help someone when I know there's a way to, and even when I don't; cause sometimes the effort is enough, ya know. The effort is enough to start things in new direction for people, maybe you didn't solve the problem, but you may have started the ball rolling towards the positive for someone.
Right then, this in one long ass entry. Whatever, I'm allowed to post really long entries sine I hardly ever post at all. Mayeb I'll post more often form now on. All I know is that I feel a bit better now. So goodnight all. If you'd like me to elaborate on anything in the entry feel free to comment and I will do so if I deem appropriate. Goodnight all.