Okay, now I'm even MORE depressed
How can a day that started so well become so awful?
I realized that I couldn't make a performance with my company on Saturday because of a practice I had scheduled with the dance team I coach; I emailed the company director my apologies and told her what was up.
Her response made me realize how often I've been doing this to her. Flaking on performances - rarely rehearsals, but occasionally I've needed to do that, too. And I HATE when someone has to point out commitment problems. I know better. I do. I'm the one constantly giving these talks to my dancers and it's just so awful to be told that I'm doing the same thing!
You know when something happens, and all of a sudden you feel like a total waste of space? My self-confidence just went into the negative digits. Not because what she said to me was wrong - she was totally justified in talking with me about it - but because OMG I fail. Again. I've got this over-active conscience, and my self-hatred can be triggered by something so unconfrontational. Ugh.
I've had this problem since high school, and it just keeps on coming. Lemme tell ya, talking yourself through issues like this, reminding yourself of your worth and how, ultimately, the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself ... it doesn't help. It really, really doesn't. And it's in all areas of life, too; I've broken down about dance (especially), work, fanfic, coaching, friends, family, my future, romantic relationships.
Maybe this is a girl thing. I don't know. It just feels like this happens to me an inordinate amount of time. And I hate hating myself. I hate it.
I realized that I couldn't make a performance with my company on Saturday because of a practice I had scheduled with the dance team I coach; I emailed the company director my apologies and told her what was up.
Her response made me realize how often I've been doing this to her. Flaking on performances - rarely rehearsals, but occasionally I've needed to do that, too. And I HATE when someone has to point out commitment problems. I know better. I do. I'm the one constantly giving these talks to my dancers and it's just so awful to be told that I'm doing the same thing!
You know when something happens, and all of a sudden you feel like a total waste of space? My self-confidence just went into the negative digits. Not because what she said to me was wrong - she was totally justified in talking with me about it - but because OMG I fail. Again. I've got this over-active conscience, and my self-hatred can be triggered by something so unconfrontational. Ugh.
I've had this problem since high school, and it just keeps on coming. Lemme tell ya, talking yourself through issues like this, reminding yourself of your worth and how, ultimately, the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself ... it doesn't help. It really, really doesn't. And it's in all areas of life, too; I've broken down about dance (especially), work, fanfic, coaching, friends, family, my future, romantic relationships.
Maybe this is a girl thing. I don't know. It just feels like this happens to me an inordinate amount of time. And I hate hating myself. I hate it.