Disturbing thoughts
Last night, I had to admit to a vision or thought that hurt deeply inside. I saw someone I care about deeply with, someone else. She felt dead inside and so very angry. She was angry at her parents, herself and me. She ended up with this person because she wanted to get back at her parents. She wanted to punish herself. She wanted to be filled with the feeling of being comfortable with someone. If even for a short time. This forced intimacy made her feel worse the longer it continued. It made her feel worse about herself. I wasn't there to help her. I wasn't there to help her feel good about herself without being sexual with someone. I wasn't there to tell her, I still care. I wasn't there to say, I miss you. I wasn't there to hold her.
Losing her has made my life miserable. Because of her, I was able feel good about myself. I was able work hard on my art in order to get better and sell it, without a second thought. I felt so full of energy. I can't remember when I had been so happy. It was all because she was a part of my life.
I was that way before I met her. I had all of that. But not hearing her voice, not hearing her messages in my email, make me see how lonely I am. I had forgotten that before I met her. I'd only feel that void occasionally, but for the past week, that's all I can feel.
Right now, I just want to give up on women again. This time hopefully, forever. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm sick of feeling this way. When I think about how much I risked in opening up to her, of how much it took to be intimate with her, I hurt inside.
I made mistakes in my past. I've even been lied about by my ex. If I'm unwilling to meet some her parents demands, it's because I know that what they're asking for is only for the present and that to try and fulfill some of these "demands" would only be sabotaging myself in the long run. I know they think that what their asking for seems reasonable. It would be if my life was like anyone else's, but it's not. I know what I've got to do to get out of it and it's the only thing I can do. People just need to stay out of my life unless they want to help. Sara was a bigger help than even I knew. I felt more alive than I had in a while and didn't even realize it.
I care a great deal about her, but now I have to live without her. I can't hear her voice or read her messages. I've got learn to live without her and it's hard to deal with. It makes me not want to have to go through all this again. What can I do? I'm just so fed up with being this way. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of having no family.
I have a couple of good friends. They mean so much to me. It makes me grateful, that they're around. If not for them, I know I wouldn't have anything worth living for. If it weren't for them, I'd probably be catatonic someplace. I owe a lot to them. Like the willingness to go on. The willingness keep going. Hope that there will be tomorrow.
Losing her has made my life miserable. Because of her, I was able feel good about myself. I was able work hard on my art in order to get better and sell it, without a second thought. I felt so full of energy. I can't remember when I had been so happy. It was all because she was a part of my life.
I was that way before I met her. I had all of that. But not hearing her voice, not hearing her messages in my email, make me see how lonely I am. I had forgotten that before I met her. I'd only feel that void occasionally, but for the past week, that's all I can feel.
Right now, I just want to give up on women again. This time hopefully, forever. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm sick of feeling this way. When I think about how much I risked in opening up to her, of how much it took to be intimate with her, I hurt inside.
I made mistakes in my past. I've even been lied about by my ex. If I'm unwilling to meet some her parents demands, it's because I know that what they're asking for is only for the present and that to try and fulfill some of these "demands" would only be sabotaging myself in the long run. I know they think that what their asking for seems reasonable. It would be if my life was like anyone else's, but it's not. I know what I've got to do to get out of it and it's the only thing I can do. People just need to stay out of my life unless they want to help. Sara was a bigger help than even I knew. I felt more alive than I had in a while and didn't even realize it.
I care a great deal about her, but now I have to live without her. I can't hear her voice or read her messages. I've got learn to live without her and it's hard to deal with. It makes me not want to have to go through all this again. What can I do? I'm just so fed up with being this way. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of having no family.
I have a couple of good friends. They mean so much to me. It makes me grateful, that they're around. If not for them, I know I wouldn't have anything worth living for. If it weren't for them, I'd probably be catatonic someplace. I owe a lot to them. Like the willingness to go on. The willingness keep going. Hope that there will be tomorrow.