alot
i think alot happened today.
I'm thoroughly exhausted. the 24th completely bled into the 25th and so far, so is the 26th.
I went to sleep at 6:30 pm after a bit of a "wtf" moment with michael, then woke up at 3 am. I stayed in bed playing pokemon untill about 5ish and then got online to see if maybe he was awake, which he was.
I walked up elmwood to meet him at starbucks, and stayed untill 9. we talked about stuff like what he's been readinig about in this book i lent him which i never read and it's actually pretty rad. i feel like i come short a little when he talks about that stuff since it's just something he knows alot more about than I do, so there's not alot I can contribute without changing the subject entirely to something I *do* know about, and for some reason my mind just blanks when he talks about this stuff. it makes me feel like a bit of a child, but i think it's something i can get past with the right amount of effort.
he has a problem with pda, I think. not that i'm ready to make out with him right there, but can I get a hug, maybe? or some sort of skin touching..? contact in anyway!! I dodn't touch him once that morning and it felt so strange.
it felt impersonal, because when i like someone, i'm nearly over-affectionate as soon as I'm allowed to be.
I think that as much as he says he's looking for something serious, and as much as he says he won't tolerate games, I think he's deeply afraid of being committed, and deeply afraid of me getting to know him too quickly because when i get inquisitive about certain areas he completely pushes me away, and starts placeing elaborate walls of words with which to keep me out and confuse me with.
he shields himself. I'm private but it's because I'm just so used to being that way. My father, the paragon of privacy, was my only reliable male role model, growing up.
I try not to be so private but it mostly doesn't work
maybe i'm trying too hard at this thing, whatever it is... should I have to even try? shouldn't I let it just happen? I just like him alot, and i don't want it to crumble into nothing...
anyways, I guess that's enough of that.
After i left starbucks, i left for school, and things mostly went well. I like my teachers on my mwf classes. theyre all women, thus i'll feel less pressured. I just feel more comfortable when a woman is teaching the class? i don't know why...
after class, i saw my sister April in the atrium. she started her first semester after years and years of being a highschool drop-out. I'm so happy for her and I'm so proud of how far shes come in just one short year... one year less crazy, one year a hell of alot more sober. I couldn't help but cry when we hugged.
I just feel so relieved when I think about her now. I used to get so worried she'd die from what she was putting herself through... like how I worry about sarah. what if she OD's or gets mixed up with the wrong people and gets raped or shot or stabbed? or all of the above...? I get so scared... and angry. Angry that she can't take any damn responsibility for herself, angry that she thinks she has the right to whine about life when she's doing it all to herself. Angry that she just sits around wondering why.
back on track: saw april, then jessica, her love-muffin, tim, and I all went to quiznos where mush hilarity ensued.
her mom gave me a ride to work and things were mostly ok at work. it was slow, but at one point this woman came up to the register and said that i had the most wonderful pouty lips ever and how natural they were? i dunno, but i felt flattered none the less, cause i kinda like my lips :D later in the day, she came up to the register, and wrapped in a sheet of paper was a 5 dollar tip she'd given to me, and paper was written:
"Beautiful Person (Soul) :)"
I just stood there and sort of admired the affect it had on me and it really just made my night.
I havent gotten such a spiritually honest compliment in so, so long...
it was so sweet, it really made my night. I felt so good about myself.
after that closing went ok, and We got out at 1 am (because spot is open till 12 on fridays n'
saturdays, thus giving us till 1 to close) and i didn't have a ride home from anyone so I had to walk home.
I was supposed to go over jessicas to see atama off off, but that just wasn;t able to happen tonight... maybe I'll get up early and go..? maybe :]
i think i will.
I'm taking a shower now. k thnx bye.
I'm thoroughly exhausted. the 24th completely bled into the 25th and so far, so is the 26th.
I went to sleep at 6:30 pm after a bit of a "wtf" moment with michael, then woke up at 3 am. I stayed in bed playing pokemon untill about 5ish and then got online to see if maybe he was awake, which he was.
I walked up elmwood to meet him at starbucks, and stayed untill 9. we talked about stuff like what he's been readinig about in this book i lent him which i never read and it's actually pretty rad. i feel like i come short a little when he talks about that stuff since it's just something he knows alot more about than I do, so there's not alot I can contribute without changing the subject entirely to something I *do* know about, and for some reason my mind just blanks when he talks about this stuff. it makes me feel like a bit of a child, but i think it's something i can get past with the right amount of effort.
he has a problem with pda, I think. not that i'm ready to make out with him right there, but can I get a hug, maybe? or some sort of skin touching..? contact in anyway!! I dodn't touch him once that morning and it felt so strange.
it felt impersonal, because when i like someone, i'm nearly over-affectionate as soon as I'm allowed to be.
I think that as much as he says he's looking for something serious, and as much as he says he won't tolerate games, I think he's deeply afraid of being committed, and deeply afraid of me getting to know him too quickly because when i get inquisitive about certain areas he completely pushes me away, and starts placeing elaborate walls of words with which to keep me out and confuse me with.
he shields himself. I'm private but it's because I'm just so used to being that way. My father, the paragon of privacy, was my only reliable male role model, growing up.
I try not to be so private but it mostly doesn't work
maybe i'm trying too hard at this thing, whatever it is... should I have to even try? shouldn't I let it just happen? I just like him alot, and i don't want it to crumble into nothing...
anyways, I guess that's enough of that.
After i left starbucks, i left for school, and things mostly went well. I like my teachers on my mwf classes. theyre all women, thus i'll feel less pressured. I just feel more comfortable when a woman is teaching the class? i don't know why...
after class, i saw my sister April in the atrium. she started her first semester after years and years of being a highschool drop-out. I'm so happy for her and I'm so proud of how far shes come in just one short year... one year less crazy, one year a hell of alot more sober. I couldn't help but cry when we hugged.
I just feel so relieved when I think about her now. I used to get so worried she'd die from what she was putting herself through... like how I worry about sarah. what if she OD's or gets mixed up with the wrong people and gets raped or shot or stabbed? or all of the above...? I get so scared... and angry. Angry that she can't take any damn responsibility for herself, angry that she thinks she has the right to whine about life when she's doing it all to herself. Angry that she just sits around wondering why.
back on track: saw april, then jessica, her love-muffin, tim, and I all went to quiznos where mush hilarity ensued.
her mom gave me a ride to work and things were mostly ok at work. it was slow, but at one point this woman came up to the register and said that i had the most wonderful pouty lips ever and how natural they were? i dunno, but i felt flattered none the less, cause i kinda like my lips :D later in the day, she came up to the register, and wrapped in a sheet of paper was a 5 dollar tip she'd given to me, and paper was written:
"Beautiful Person (Soul) :)"
I just stood there and sort of admired the affect it had on me and it really just made my night.
I havent gotten such a spiritually honest compliment in so, so long...
it was so sweet, it really made my night. I felt so good about myself.
after that closing went ok, and We got out at 1 am (because spot is open till 12 on fridays n'
saturdays, thus giving us till 1 to close) and i didn't have a ride home from anyone so I had to walk home.
I was supposed to go over jessicas to see atama off off, but that just wasn;t able to happen tonight... maybe I'll get up early and go..? maybe :]
i think i will.
I'm taking a shower now. k thnx bye.