Log Entry 07
Is everyone alright? I sometimes hear and read some of your experiences and to the ones who were unfortunate to relive things that make you sad, scared, or lonely, just remember that you have been strong enough. You have lived through them once. You have gotten up after those moments and are the better for it.
To my household, I'm sorry about taking another empty room. But please ignore me if I suddenly lapse into my own memories. There is a certain one that reoccurs very often that I rather not have an audience for because I tend to act out this memory over and over again and it's quite dangerous. Though from the sounds of it, a lot of you are gone. I'm sorry...I've been in here for a while and I haven't really haven't touched the device thing. Kind of shoved it in a corner.
Lelouch, I'm sorry.
/////
It's been a few days since the memories have started coming back and since I've locked myself in here. I never was good at using an outlet but I think I need to since I can't exactly do much in here to take my mind off of it.
Some memories were pleasant. The times with Lelouch and Nunnally when we were children before the war, meeting Lelouch and Nunnally again, meeting Euphie, becoming a student counsel member.
A lot of them that I don't wish to remember also surfaced. The times as a private in the military, the first days of Ashford, the days after my father's death, the tortures of being a suspect of Prince Clovis' death.
But any of those are fine to see again.
I just wish that the one of that day never came back. Not one day passes without me thinking about it actively already. I do not need visions to tell me how I was wrong and how I committed such a sin. I don't think Lelouch ever knew just how much this event affected me until these visions came and reduced me to a ten-year-old boy.
Heh....
I think I scared him. And he's the only one who understands it. I know that I already hurt him. I already pushed him onto glass. I think I might have hurt him the moment before I ran in here too. It's for the best that I am in here alone. Even though there's no knives or glasses in here, i've found myself trying to stab through the bed or the wall with everything from a pen to my fist. The door is nice and sturdy so I don't think I can break myself out if I try to slam my shoulder against it. I just hope it blocks out sound well too. i don't wish to alarm people.
Though I've become better at bringing myself out of these visions, they are too real. I end this one crying and shaking. I'm always surprised that I don't have the blood staining my hands or that I don't have the knife. I've spent quite some time washing in any case. It's nice that there's a bathroom in this room. I kind of wish that I could have food but I've had worse.
I have to keep my mind off of it. Go back to sleep and ----
[there is a click and then silence as Suzaku turns the device off as he does not want anything of his memories recorded]
((ooc: Suzaku's worst memory is the day that he stabbed and killed his own father - the Prime Minister of Japan - at the age of ten in order to save Japan from a flimsy do-or-die resistance move that would split the country into three. This memory repeats itself too many times for him to feel safe with other people since he acts a lot of them out.
Since he's not the type to really say anything about his true feelings, even in privacy, it's all pretty vague. The people who live in the same building might hear him screaming like a child about how he didn't mean to do "it" and crying for forgiveness. He still won't open the door or answer anything specific, insisting that he's fine.))
To my household, I'm sorry about taking another empty room. But please ignore me if I suddenly lapse into my own memories. There is a certain one that reoccurs very often that I rather not have an audience for because I tend to act out this memory over and over again and it's quite dangerous. Though from the sounds of it, a lot of you are gone. I'm sorry...I've been in here for a while and I haven't really haven't touched the device thing. Kind of shoved it in a corner.
Lelouch, I'm sorry.
/////
It's been a few days since the memories have started coming back and since I've locked myself in here. I never was good at using an outlet but I think I need to since I can't exactly do much in here to take my mind off of it.
Some memories were pleasant. The times with Lelouch and Nunnally when we were children before the war, meeting Lelouch and Nunnally again, meeting Euphie, becoming a student counsel member.
A lot of them that I don't wish to remember also surfaced. The times as a private in the military, the first days of Ashford, the days after my father's death, the tortures of being a suspect of Prince Clovis' death.
But any of those are fine to see again.
I just wish that the one of that day never came back. Not one day passes without me thinking about it actively already. I do not need visions to tell me how I was wrong and how I committed such a sin. I don't think Lelouch ever knew just how much this event affected me until these visions came and reduced me to a ten-year-old boy.
Heh....
I think I scared him. And he's the only one who understands it. I know that I already hurt him. I already pushed him onto glass. I think I might have hurt him the moment before I ran in here too. It's for the best that I am in here alone. Even though there's no knives or glasses in here, i've found myself trying to stab through the bed or the wall with everything from a pen to my fist. The door is nice and sturdy so I don't think I can break myself out if I try to slam my shoulder against it. I just hope it blocks out sound well too. i don't wish to alarm people.
Though I've become better at bringing myself out of these visions, they are too real. I end this one crying and shaking. I'm always surprised that I don't have the blood staining my hands or that I don't have the knife. I've spent quite some time washing in any case. It's nice that there's a bathroom in this room. I kind of wish that I could have food but I've had worse.
I have to keep my mind off of it. Go back to sleep and ----
[there is a click and then silence as Suzaku turns the device off as he does not want anything of his memories recorded]
((ooc: Suzaku's worst memory is the day that he stabbed and killed his own father - the Prime Minister of Japan - at the age of ten in order to save Japan from a flimsy do-or-die resistance move that would split the country into three. This memory repeats itself too many times for him to feel safe with other people since he acts a lot of them out.
Since he's not the type to really say anything about his true feelings, even in privacy, it's all pretty vague. The people who live in the same building might hear him screaming like a child about how he didn't mean to do "it" and crying for forgiveness. He still won't open the door or answer anything specific, insisting that he's fine.))