what can I say?
so this past week has just snowballed for me. i started out thinking i would never make it through this week and still be able to go out for what should have been marc and I's 2 year anniversary.
it started out ok until i got to work and hurt my back and feet with the shoes i wore. then tuesday, i didn't go to school because of my back but still went to my occ class. (wed.-fri. i missed periods 1-3 because of my back too) then wednesday, everything fell apart. i finally got off my chest what i'd waited for almost a year to say and hurt the only guy in my life who truly loved me, all my weird quirks, and sayings and random, offbeat jokes. i hurt him and i hurt myself. i cried after i talked to him. i realized then and there i had screwed it up.
thursday, marc was distant, almost shut off. he still kissed me and walked me to class and held my hand on our way to meet my mom. but then it happened. i was oblivious as to the possibilities and asked, "are you mad at me? you're not talking to me." and then he uttered the words that still ring in my head: "i don't really want to go out with you anymore." those words, those ten words that changed my life and crushed me, stole away my focus and a huge chunk of who i thought i was. no longer was i marc's gf, no longer the girl he kissed, hugged or felt intimate with. i don't doubt he still loves me. but it's changed. and so has my love for him. i think a part of me will always love him... our relationship wasn't all bad. a lot was good but choir took it's toll and i made the final blow.
i respect his actions and i'm willing to give him his space. he said he wanted to be friends and i'm glad that he was big enough to show that he did still care about me. i immediately thought that would be the hardest thing to think about but friday proved that it's not entirely unbearable. the tension between us isn't the same and has been incredibly lessened. i think this may work out for the best right now. later, if down the road he decides he wants to get back together, i think i could. i do want to, but we'll have to let time show what's best.
then after waiting with me until my mom got there, he apologized again and hugged me. friday, he smiled at me and kept looking at me while i was in the choir room at lunch. it kind of made me laugh. i said goodbye and haven't talked to him since. i had a four hour shift at work on friday and was alone for most of it. it was hard not to think about how much i can already feel him missing. i know it's going to be hard but i know it's going to get better eventually.