...
I don't know what to think anymore. About this school, about my reasons for being here...about him. I know he wasn't in his right mind when he did that...but Nash told me that he kissed that Cliff asshole on an earlier occasion as well, and that was before anyone had ever even heard of that awful soup thing.
So why do I even bother? Why do I still think of him all the time and when I talk to him try to corner him into admitting something? Why am I such a jealous bastard? And I guess...most of all...why didn't he say something to me? I never made a move on him because I knew he wasn't comfortable with homosexual relationships...yet here I find him kissing other men? Ones who aren't ME, at that!
I thought...that maybe I could be satisfied with just being friends with him. He's such an amazingly strong person. I always looked up to him, wanted to be strong like him. He's like a role model for me - and I'm a year older than he is! But he's always so strong and kind, even if he has a temper problem. I've had those too, but when I learned how to manage my Rage rune I learned to control my temper as well. He never had that. So I can't blame him for his temper.
And I know I'm not helping. I don't know why, but I always need to tease him somehow. Like...if I can't outright show him my affection, I'll do it the childish way, through teasing and hair-pulling and such. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not still the child that ran through the Iksay fields with Percival and Barts, arranging mock-battles with wooden swords.
I just want to be with him. I really do. I love him more than anyone else in all the worlds...but I could never tell him that. He'd just yell at me and push me away to go be with his new love interest.
I need to find the bar around here...maybe get wasted for New Year's...