(no subject)
Well this is pissing me off.
100patch on one side; 100patch on the other side. And nothing. Nothing.
Stupid, stupid, stupid tolerance!!!
Frustration at murderous levels.
I need to stop thinking with my mu-receptors, but it's been so fucking LONG and all I really need is to sleep, but I can't even get THAT far.
I can't sleep, I can't relax, I can't express it.
Some nights it's all I can do to keep myself inside.
I wonder if the car would start? I wonder?
Better not go try to find out. Bad time, wrong time.
Frustration.
It always seems like I can't swallow anymore, and sometimes there's little overflows that always seem big at the time, but then, more and more and more. Just how much anger is one person supposed to carry? How much hate do I need to accumulate before it will truly be too much? Sometimes it's like nothing, so much nothing, and other times I can't imagine anything more intense, and sometimes, like now, it's both, so on the surface it's fire but inside I look and try to find the heart of it to defuse it but there's nothing and nothing and just more nothing, so all I want to do is the same thing all I want to do is... is... and what would you do if you did? What would you do? You know. So you will stay inside. You will. Because you're not ready yet, it's not time... if you go now, they'll get you, and there's too much work to be done to have jail fuck it up.
I wish the second patch had worked. I wish it were doing its thing now, bringing me down. I wonder, without anything, if I'd have lost the leash already. I wonder if I'm just deluding myself into thinking I have a leash at all. Maybe it just all comes down to fucking laziness. Maybe I've never done it just because I've never been around anyone at the rightwrong time and that's all.
Hope not. But probably that's true.
I think I will tie myself to something.
100patch on one side; 100patch on the other side. And nothing. Nothing.
Stupid, stupid, stupid tolerance!!!
Frustration at murderous levels.
I need to stop thinking with my mu-receptors, but it's been so fucking LONG and all I really need is to sleep, but I can't even get THAT far.
I can't sleep, I can't relax, I can't express it.
Some nights it's all I can do to keep myself inside.
I wonder if the car would start? I wonder?
Better not go try to find out. Bad time, wrong time.
Frustration.
It always seems like I can't swallow anymore, and sometimes there's little overflows that always seem big at the time, but then, more and more and more. Just how much anger is one person supposed to carry? How much hate do I need to accumulate before it will truly be too much? Sometimes it's like nothing, so much nothing, and other times I can't imagine anything more intense, and sometimes, like now, it's both, so on the surface it's fire but inside I look and try to find the heart of it to defuse it but there's nothing and nothing and just more nothing, so all I want to do is the same thing all I want to do is... is... and what would you do if you did? What would you do? You know. So you will stay inside. You will. Because you're not ready yet, it's not time... if you go now, they'll get you, and there's too much work to be done to have jail fuck it up.
I wish the second patch had worked. I wish it were doing its thing now, bringing me down. I wonder, without anything, if I'd have lost the leash already. I wonder if I'm just deluding myself into thinking I have a leash at all. Maybe it just all comes down to fucking laziness. Maybe I've never done it just because I've never been around anyone at the rightwrong time and that's all.
Hope not. But probably that's true.
I think I will tie myself to something.