(no subject)
I feel like I'm on top of a pole standing alone, struggling to maintain balance. I don't know who to blame for this feeling but I feel so alone right now. This might have been a mixture of me shutting out people and people I used to talk that I don't anymore. It's a sad fact. People move on. I've actually considered it several times to check myself in for some sanity treatment, seriously. But, the implications of that could mean that I myself am incapable of healing others when I, myself, am damaged as well. How tough it is to be in such a spot when part of me wants to reach out to someone but I can't. For someone who writes, I find it difficult to express what I feel in words that others can understand. I don't know why I can't stop comparing myself to others and realizing that how far they have gone while I am stuck in here, taking a really long detour from the race of life. At 23, I am still dependent on my single parent for allowance. At 23, I am still unable to resolve problems at home that I have had since I was 16. Pathetic and stupid, I know. At 23, I still feel like I am lost and incapable with nobody's hand reaching out to me. I might have to admit that my suicidal tendencies are slowly creeping in again. While backing up my car, I was thinking of how much I wanted to buy a pistol to blow my brains out as I please. But then again, it's a point of no return. There's going to be one less (potential) neurosurgeon in the country. Honestly, I'm just really fuckin' tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of comparing myself to my brother who's pampered like a prince. I'm tired of telling off my sister to fix her life. I'm tired of telling my baby brother to read more and play consoles less. I'm tired of getting angry at my mom every Sunday I come home. I'm tired of shutting out my dad who doesn't know how to act like a father. I just want peace and to let be.
Happy Father's Day to the father who cannot provide.
Happy Birthday to the mother who wasn't there, the sister who's throwing her life away and to the brother whose thumb power is wider than his vocabulary.
Congratulations to me for my inability to relate to everyone else and for having this dissatisfied life.
Happy Father's Day to the father who cannot provide.
Happy Birthday to the mother who wasn't there, the sister who's throwing her life away and to the brother whose thumb power is wider than his vocabulary.
Congratulations to me for my inability to relate to everyone else and for having this dissatisfied life.