Procrastinating and thinky thoughts and "West of the Moon"...
I'm writing this because I ought to be working, but I don't feel like it at the moment.
I woke up this morning to find that "West of the Moon" has garnered a couple of nominations over at the Absence of Light Awards. I'm thrilled, if a little surprised, since I don't really think of the story as being that dark or angsty overall, and it's been a few years since I finished it, but it's still awesome to be nominated.
I'm on Tumblr now, under my real name -- though I think somewhere I had made a fandom Tumblr and then promptly never used it. Whoops. I keep waffling over whether to reveal it or not, partially because I've worked very hard over the last decade or so to keep my fandom life and my real life from crossing over too much. However, in the last few months I've discovered that you can't prevent that from happening, no matter how hard you try (although, admittedly, I've been trying less hard as of late). My Tumblr has become the place where I don't worry about looking professional, and I don't post a ton of work stuff anyway -- especially not now that my job has changed, somewhat. I reblog a lot of fandom stuff there, and I read a lot of fandom blogs so it seems silly NOT to let it cross over.
Part of what has led me to consider it is that, last month, while randomly scrolling through my feed, I came across someone I follow who was talking about "West of the Moon." She was just reading it for the first time, and her thoughts on it were ... interesting. Honest. Really honest, because she obviously had no way of knowing that I follow her blog or that I'd be reading her thoughts
I've gotten a LOT of reviews on that story. It's very nearly embarrassing sometimes to think about how many. Nine years ago I was posting my first (mocking) Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic over at FF.net never dreaming that someday I'd have the second highest reviewed Buffy fic on the site (fourth highest favorited Buffy fic on the site, as well) out of an incredible (at the time I'm writing this) 45,352 stories. It's overwhelming and incredibly humbling.
And the vast majority of those reviews have been positive. Glowing. Wonderful. Oh, there were a handful here and there that nitpicked on little things, and one that I remember with incredible clarity that slammed me for my portrayal of Nikki Wood (although I really think they misread or misunderstood my intentions there). There were a handful of people who took their hatred of Buffy's character out in the reviews, which always annoys me to the point of wanting to yell at people -- but overall the reviews tended to be really positive.
So it was kind of ... refreshing? to read a review where the reader didn't like what I was doing at all. She didn't like the pace or the POV, didn't like the amount of canon I kept. She admitted to skimming most of Part 1 and not reading it.
On the one hand, it was frustrating. As the writer, I can tell you that I put a LOT of time and effort and thought into Part 1 of "West of the Moon." I debated heavily about just what canon to include and what to skim over, what was necessary to the story and what wasn't. Could I have edited it more heavily? ... Honestly, I think I probably could have. BUT I used what I did include in order to conceal clues and hints and all KINDS of foreshadowing for what was actually going on in the rest of the story. So much of the canon included was necessary to Buffy's story arc, and when it wasn't, it was almost always foreshadowing something else that was going to happen or was currently happening where Buffy couldn't see it.
When people tell me that they skim Part 1 I kind of want to shake them. I want to point them at different lines and paragraphs, descriptions and moments and say "DO YOU SEE THIS? IT'S IMPORTANT!" and then move to the next paragraph and repeat the process. For (a really obvious) example, in Chapter 21, "Thesis", there's this moment:
"Look, I know you know more about this Ice Demon thing than you're letting on. I want to know what you know." We glare at each other. His jaw works and he keeps glancing around the walls of the crypt as if the answers are written there.
And if you've read the whole story, you'll know why that last sentence is there.
So, yes. Frustrating.
On the other hand -- this person wasn't saying anything I hadn't said to myself when I was writing it. I agonized over all that canon for EXACTLY this reason. Because I knew there'd be people who wouldn't want to read a rehash of half of Season 5. I knew there were people who would not want to read canon in any shape or form. I KNEW there would be people who dismissed it after the first paragraph because it was written first person and in Buffy's POV, no less. In fact, I was pretty darn sure that would be why no one would bother reading this epically long thing in the first place. I figured most readers would give up around chapter 5 or 6 or 7 and even if they did, then they'd get to part 2 and think "Oh, god, AGAIN? REALLY?" and stop reading there.
I thought, in short, that these things would be the reason why the story would tank.
It has been, to my everlasting surprise, incredible to me that it did not tank. That people did read it. That they liked it. That it has gotten so much attention and praise.
It does make me wonder, however, how many people DID give up on it? How many people never got to all the AU stuff in Part 3. How many never even made it to Part 2? How many were turned off so severely by my use of canon that they couldn't bother reading past the first few chapters? How many were turned off by the first person POV that they didn't read past the PROLOGUE?
I respect the fact that this reader DID keep going. That she did read through to (almost) the end, even if she didn't like Part 1 and wasn't all that impressed with Part 2. I appreciate it, and I appreciate her unwitting honesty.
But what I come back to is this: I didn't really write it for her. Or for my other readers and reviewers. Or for you. I wrote it for me. Because I was laying in bed and the story came to me and it practically vomited itself out onto my computer keyboard. It was, in all honesty, nearly painfull imperative that I write that story. I wrote it to be the Buffy fic that I always wanted to read. I wrote it to be everything that I loved about the Buffy'verse. Everything I loved about fanfic. Everything I loved about the characters, and finishing it gave me this incredible feeling of catharsis, like nothing else I've ever done or experienced.
It was wonderful and terrifying.
It's icing on the cake to get reviews. It's validation that the incredible amount of thought and time and effort I put into that story was worth it to other people and not just me.
For the record, though, I will say that my favorite reviews aren't just the "I loved this" ones. The ones I really cherish are the ones from people who were going through rough times in their life. Who were depressed, or who had lost loved ones recently, who were sick or injured and in need of escape. It's nice to know that I provided that escape for them, and that in a sense, my catharsis was theirs as well.
So, I guess what I'm saying is: I'm still around, even if I've been quiet lately. I'm still active in the fandom, even if you can't necessarily see it. I'm still following along. Still reading. If you leave me a review, it makes my day a little brighter.
The last few months for me have been rough, and I always turn to fandom and writing when things get that way. I know I still have quite a bit of "DUST" left to finish, and it's coming--slowly. It has been harder to write than "West" was, but in some ways, I'm even prouder of it for that struggle.
Thanks, to those of you who read my stuff. To those who review. To those who don't review and enjoy it anyway. To those who are honest enough to admit that it has faults, and those of you who love it enough to nominate it for awards.
Just, thank you. Really. For everything.
You guys? Fandom? You're my dark place
I woke up this morning to find that "West of the Moon" has garnered a couple of nominations over at the Absence of Light Awards. I'm thrilled, if a little surprised, since I don't really think of the story as being that dark or angsty overall, and it's been a few years since I finished it, but it's still awesome to be nominated.
I'm on Tumblr now, under my real name -- though I think somewhere I had made a fandom Tumblr and then promptly never used it. Whoops. I keep waffling over whether to reveal it or not, partially because I've worked very hard over the last decade or so to keep my fandom life and my real life from crossing over too much. However, in the last few months I've discovered that you can't prevent that from happening, no matter how hard you try (although, admittedly, I've been trying less hard as of late). My Tumblr has become the place where I don't worry about looking professional, and I don't post a ton of work stuff anyway -- especially not now that my job has changed, somewhat. I reblog a lot of fandom stuff there, and I read a lot of fandom blogs so it seems silly NOT to let it cross over.
Part of what has led me to consider it is that, last month, while randomly scrolling through my feed, I came across someone I follow who was talking about "West of the Moon." She was just reading it for the first time, and her thoughts on it were ... interesting. Honest. Really honest, because she obviously had no way of knowing that I follow her blog or that I'd be reading her thoughts
I've gotten a LOT of reviews on that story. It's very nearly embarrassing sometimes to think about how many. Nine years ago I was posting my first (mocking) Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic over at FF.net never dreaming that someday I'd have the second highest reviewed Buffy fic on the site (fourth highest favorited Buffy fic on the site, as well) out of an incredible (at the time I'm writing this) 45,352 stories. It's overwhelming and incredibly humbling.
And the vast majority of those reviews have been positive. Glowing. Wonderful. Oh, there were a handful here and there that nitpicked on little things, and one that I remember with incredible clarity that slammed me for my portrayal of Nikki Wood (although I really think they misread or misunderstood my intentions there). There were a handful of people who took their hatred of Buffy's character out in the reviews, which always annoys me to the point of wanting to yell at people -- but overall the reviews tended to be really positive.
So it was kind of ... refreshing? to read a review where the reader didn't like what I was doing at all. She didn't like the pace or the POV, didn't like the amount of canon I kept. She admitted to skimming most of Part 1 and not reading it.
On the one hand, it was frustrating. As the writer, I can tell you that I put a LOT of time and effort and thought into Part 1 of "West of the Moon." I debated heavily about just what canon to include and what to skim over, what was necessary to the story and what wasn't. Could I have edited it more heavily? ... Honestly, I think I probably could have. BUT I used what I did include in order to conceal clues and hints and all KINDS of foreshadowing for what was actually going on in the rest of the story. So much of the canon included was necessary to Buffy's story arc, and when it wasn't, it was almost always foreshadowing something else that was going to happen or was currently happening where Buffy couldn't see it.
When people tell me that they skim Part 1 I kind of want to shake them. I want to point them at different lines and paragraphs, descriptions and moments and say "DO YOU SEE THIS? IT'S IMPORTANT!" and then move to the next paragraph and repeat the process. For (a really obvious) example, in Chapter 21, "Thesis", there's this moment:
"Look, I know you know more about this Ice Demon thing than you're letting on. I want to know what you know." We glare at each other. His jaw works and he keeps glancing around the walls of the crypt as if the answers are written there.
And if you've read the whole story, you'll know why that last sentence is there.
So, yes. Frustrating.
On the other hand -- this person wasn't saying anything I hadn't said to myself when I was writing it. I agonized over all that canon for EXACTLY this reason. Because I knew there'd be people who wouldn't want to read a rehash of half of Season 5. I knew there were people who would not want to read canon in any shape or form. I KNEW there would be people who dismissed it after the first paragraph because it was written first person and in Buffy's POV, no less. In fact, I was pretty darn sure that would be why no one would bother reading this epically long thing in the first place. I figured most readers would give up around chapter 5 or 6 or 7 and even if they did, then they'd get to part 2 and think "Oh, god, AGAIN? REALLY?" and stop reading there.
I thought, in short, that these things would be the reason why the story would tank.
It has been, to my everlasting surprise, incredible to me that it did not tank. That people did read it. That they liked it. That it has gotten so much attention and praise.
It does make me wonder, however, how many people DID give up on it? How many people never got to all the AU stuff in Part 3. How many never even made it to Part 2? How many were turned off so severely by my use of canon that they couldn't bother reading past the first few chapters? How many were turned off by the first person POV that they didn't read past the PROLOGUE?
I respect the fact that this reader DID keep going. That she did read through to (almost) the end, even if she didn't like Part 1 and wasn't all that impressed with Part 2. I appreciate it, and I appreciate her unwitting honesty.
But what I come back to is this: I didn't really write it for her. Or for my other readers and reviewers. Or for you. I wrote it for me. Because I was laying in bed and the story came to me and it practically vomited itself out onto my computer keyboard. It was, in all honesty, nearly painfull imperative that I write that story. I wrote it to be the Buffy fic that I always wanted to read. I wrote it to be everything that I loved about the Buffy'verse. Everything I loved about fanfic. Everything I loved about the characters, and finishing it gave me this incredible feeling of catharsis, like nothing else I've ever done or experienced.
It was wonderful and terrifying.
It's icing on the cake to get reviews. It's validation that the incredible amount of thought and time and effort I put into that story was worth it to other people and not just me.
For the record, though, I will say that my favorite reviews aren't just the "I loved this" ones. The ones I really cherish are the ones from people who were going through rough times in their life. Who were depressed, or who had lost loved ones recently, who were sick or injured and in need of escape. It's nice to know that I provided that escape for them, and that in a sense, my catharsis was theirs as well.
So, I guess what I'm saying is: I'm still around, even if I've been quiet lately. I'm still active in the fandom, even if you can't necessarily see it. I'm still following along. Still reading. If you leave me a review, it makes my day a little brighter.
The last few months for me have been rough, and I always turn to fandom and writing when things get that way. I know I still have quite a bit of "DUST" left to finish, and it's coming--slowly. It has been harder to write than "West" was, but in some ways, I'm even prouder of it for that struggle.
Thanks, to those of you who read my stuff. To those who review. To those who don't review and enjoy it anyway. To those who are honest enough to admit that it has faults, and those of you who love it enough to nominate it for awards.
Just, thank you. Really. For everything.
You guys? Fandom? You're my dark place