How KnifeEdge defeated Writer's Block...
We've been camped in this cave for weeks.
Admittedly, it's slightly better scenery than before. Although, looking at the ass-end of the beast is only slightly more pleasant than looking at the front end.
The front end had been full of nasty, pointy teeth.
And acidic drool.
***
You start out these things with such hope, you know? You get up one morning. You have your toast and some tea and you think: Gee, that's a great idea I had in the middle of the night last night. I should do that. Go there. See what there is to see. I bet it's nice there, this time of year.
So you pack up a few things, and you call up a friend and you say "hey, so I had this great idea" and they say "that IS a great idea, can I tag along?" and you're all like "sure, it'll be fun." And you set out on some bright sunny morning that's all sparkly with hope, like a "My Little Pony" cartoon, only without ponies. Somewhere along the way you make a couple of new friends who want to come along, to see the end of the journey, and you're like "the more the merrier" and it's kinda of like a party. You bond, you know? And there are adventures to be had, and things to explore and everything is really kinda hunky-dory...
Only then it's nine months later, and you're camped in a cave somewhere staring at the monstrously scaly ass of a creature you hoped you'd never meet, and you've moved on to the hardcore caffeine (Starbucks, Double-shot, Espresso and Cream), and you've got three friends staring at you over the campfire, waiting for instructions because, hey, wasn't this your bright idea? so that makes you the leader, and you're thinking that that monster has to take a dump sometime and now you're facing its business end.
***Okay, so I might be going a little stir crazy.
I can hear them muttering about me, over there. It's not paranoia if they really ARE all staring at you and whispering together.
Goblin Dae nearly strangled me a few nights ago after I had another bright idea, and since then we've been doing that elephant in the room thing. Yaki is smiling indulgently in my direction because she knows I'm going nutso and she finds it amusing, I think. And Subtilior is just staring at me, as if she's waiting for me to do a neat trick, like turn myself into a hat and pull a rabbit out of my ass or something.
I seriously need to stop looking at Big and Scaly's butt. It's doing bad things to my brain.
But that's the problem, you see. Not my ass-fixation, although that's probably a problem, too. Big and Scaly, I mean.
Me and him, we've got beef.
***
So maybe going into the cave was a bad idea. But we'd been loitering for weeks in the Dark and Extremely Expensive Forest, and suddenly I realized that winter would be coming ... eventually, and we probably should get a move on.
Then we got stuck for a bit in the swamp of Smut and while it was diverting, and, you know, hot naked man-flesh abounded (boy, oh boy, did it abound), eventually I decided that we needed to get out of there and start up that big old mountain that had been looming in the distance for practically ever.
That's when things went a bit... off.
I had a plan. I did. It was a good plan. Well thought out. There were outlines and diagrams and everything.
Only, it turns out, that part of that plan required something in order to work. And that something was in a cave. If I went in there and got it, it would give us a shortcut and let us get to the summit of the mountain faster.
I probably should have taken the long way around.
That thing I was looking for. I found it. And there was the shortcut, just a little tunnel through the rocks. Slip inside, go a little ways, and before you know it there'd be sunshine and dandelions and ... slightly less mountain to climb.
Except I think I took a wrong turn somewhere around Albequerque, because we rounded a corner, and there it was.
Big, scaly, with a mouth full of grinning, pointy teeth. Also, it was drooling acid. Because these things do, you know.
And, as you do when faced with something right out of your worst nightmares, we ran away for a bit. Only somehow we just got lost and turned around and ended up back where Big and Scaly was still laughing at us for running around like a bunch of stupid twonks.
So, I girded my loins, then, and tried a full frontal assault.
I think it laughed at us.
There was slightly more acid drool, and a weird sound that was halfway between a belch and a chuckle. Also, I counted twelve more teeth showing.
After awhile I got kinda tired of yelling and flailing at it with whatever weapon was handy, and not making a dent in it.
That's when I had another Bright Idea.
"We'll sneak around behind it!" I said.
"That could take awhile," Yaki said.
"It might work, though," Goblin Dae said.
Subtilior just smiled. She'd been the last to join us and was still catching up. "Are we in the Swamp of Smut yet?" she asked.
"You're still about a month off," I told her.
To the other two, I explained, "Look, I've tried hitting it every way I know how. Nothing is working. Our best bet is to take that side passage that leads deeper into the caves, and see if we can find a way around it. I know it's dark and scary down there, and I think there might be something pale and yucky waiting for us, and I know I said that this was as deep and dark and scary as I was willing to go... but we're not making any progress this way. It's worth a try. If it doesn't work we'll just come back here and think of something else."
They shrugged and said I was crazy and said that I had to go first, 'cause I'm the leader and that's what leaders do.
So we did.
***
And I was right. It IS darker and scarier, and really kind of awful down here. And there is something pale and yucky that smells like dead fish somewhere off in the darkness. And I'm kinda wondering if maybe Tolkien had this exact same problem, and this is where he found Gollum, because I think whatever it is down here is Gollum's nastier, scarier cousin.
But the worst part is, when we got here, we found the other end of Big and Scaly, blocking the way out.
I might have also lost the thing I came in here to find.
It was at that point I kinda started to despair. Weeks and weeks and months of this journey, and I'm stuck in a dark cavern with almost no light, and we're running out of ideas and the others are kinda eyeing me like they think I might has a flavr.
***
So, I'm sitting here, on a rock, staring at the ass-end of the monster, and listening to everyone whisper and trying to think up a plan.
Well, I'm listening to Yaki, mostly. Goblin Dae is playing on her laptop and ignoring me. Yaki keeps asking me questions about what's on the other side of the monster, and it's a lovely thought to contemplate: the other side of the monster. Not the pointy toothed side, but the side where there IS no more monster, because it's dead or behind us, and yeah... fresh air would be nice.
Monsters fart in their sleep. Who knew?
And that's when Sub, who is still a few weeks behind, pipes up.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing, apparently," I say and stare at the monster's butt some more. "We're stuck."
"What are you stuck on? Sorry, I'm still not there yet."
"Well, we're sitting in a cave and there's something blocking the path. I don't know how to get around it."
"Have you tried fighting it?"
"I think it's sleeping now. It's kind of ignoring me."
"Huh. What about finding some magical weapon?"
"Unless that weapon is a dead fish or a rock, I'm probably not gonna find one here."
"Sucks. Oh, neat!"
"Hmm?"
"This spell you did."
"What spell? Wait, where are you?"
"Uh... We just left the Bloody Valley, I think. Dude, this spell is cool!"
"Oh, that. It's not technically a spell. It was just a thing."
"Well, it's cool. Are you gonna do it again, later? Cause it's awesome."
"I don't know. Hadn't really thought about it in awhile."
"Well, stuff like this doesn't just happen because it's cool. If it happened, there's probably a reason."
"Huh. Maybe. Do you think maybe if I had some gasoline I could torch this baby?"
"Do you have gasoline?"
"No."
"Probably not, then. Am I anywhere near the Swamp of Smut yet?"
"Few weeks out."
"Awesome. I'll check back in then."
Then she sits and stares at the wall again, smiling and playing with her dagger.
I start to think that she's right. There was that thing that I did, back there. And it was cool. At the time I thought, well, it's just a thing so we can move along a bit faster. Only then it actually worked, which most of the other stuff I tried didn't. There had to be a reason for that.
When realization dawns, it doesn't always awaken you slowly with gentle light filling the room. Sometimes it explodes with all the subtlety of a grenade.
And now I'm up and moving, and rousing the others and stuffing all my things into my bag. Because the monster has shifted, just a tiny bit. And I can see, on the other side of it's bulk, a little bit of daylight shining through. So we toss some dirt on the fire, and I bury my Starbucks Double-Shot Espresso and Cream cans, and I think about that thing that we did, way back when...
And I smile, because now I know how to beat this thing.
And it's gonna be FUN.
__________
So, this started as a response to a post bythepuddinhead ... only it kinda took on a life of it's own. I'm a little tired and hyped on caffeine, so please ignore the typos and the bad tense changes.
Admittedly, it's slightly better scenery than before. Although, looking at the ass-end of the beast is only slightly more pleasant than looking at the front end.
The front end had been full of nasty, pointy teeth.
And acidic drool.
***
You start out these things with such hope, you know? You get up one morning. You have your toast and some tea and you think: Gee, that's a great idea I had in the middle of the night last night. I should do that. Go there. See what there is to see. I bet it's nice there, this time of year.
So you pack up a few things, and you call up a friend and you say "hey, so I had this great idea" and they say "that IS a great idea, can I tag along?" and you're all like "sure, it'll be fun." And you set out on some bright sunny morning that's all sparkly with hope, like a "My Little Pony" cartoon, only without ponies. Somewhere along the way you make a couple of new friends who want to come along, to see the end of the journey, and you're like "the more the merrier" and it's kinda of like a party. You bond, you know? And there are adventures to be had, and things to explore and everything is really kinda hunky-dory...
Only then it's nine months later, and you're camped in a cave somewhere staring at the monstrously scaly ass of a creature you hoped you'd never meet, and you've moved on to the hardcore caffeine (Starbucks, Double-shot, Espresso and Cream), and you've got three friends staring at you over the campfire, waiting for instructions because, hey, wasn't this your bright idea? so that makes you the leader, and you're thinking that that monster has to take a dump sometime and now you're facing its business end.
***Okay, so I might be going a little stir crazy.
I can hear them muttering about me, over there. It's not paranoia if they really ARE all staring at you and whispering together.
Goblin Dae nearly strangled me a few nights ago after I had another bright idea, and since then we've been doing that elephant in the room thing. Yaki is smiling indulgently in my direction because she knows I'm going nutso and she finds it amusing, I think. And Subtilior is just staring at me, as if she's waiting for me to do a neat trick, like turn myself into a hat and pull a rabbit out of my ass or something.
I seriously need to stop looking at Big and Scaly's butt. It's doing bad things to my brain.
But that's the problem, you see. Not my ass-fixation, although that's probably a problem, too. Big and Scaly, I mean.
Me and him, we've got beef.
***
So maybe going into the cave was a bad idea. But we'd been loitering for weeks in the Dark and Extremely Expensive Forest, and suddenly I realized that winter would be coming ... eventually, and we probably should get a move on.
Then we got stuck for a bit in the swamp of Smut and while it was diverting, and, you know, hot naked man-flesh abounded (boy, oh boy, did it abound), eventually I decided that we needed to get out of there and start up that big old mountain that had been looming in the distance for practically ever.
That's when things went a bit... off.
I had a plan. I did. It was a good plan. Well thought out. There were outlines and diagrams and everything.
Only, it turns out, that part of that plan required something in order to work. And that something was in a cave. If I went in there and got it, it would give us a shortcut and let us get to the summit of the mountain faster.
I probably should have taken the long way around.
That thing I was looking for. I found it. And there was the shortcut, just a little tunnel through the rocks. Slip inside, go a little ways, and before you know it there'd be sunshine and dandelions and ... slightly less mountain to climb.
Except I think I took a wrong turn somewhere around Albequerque, because we rounded a corner, and there it was.
Big, scaly, with a mouth full of grinning, pointy teeth. Also, it was drooling acid. Because these things do, you know.
And, as you do when faced with something right out of your worst nightmares, we ran away for a bit. Only somehow we just got lost and turned around and ended up back where Big and Scaly was still laughing at us for running around like a bunch of stupid twonks.
So, I girded my loins, then, and tried a full frontal assault.
I think it laughed at us.
There was slightly more acid drool, and a weird sound that was halfway between a belch and a chuckle. Also, I counted twelve more teeth showing.
After awhile I got kinda tired of yelling and flailing at it with whatever weapon was handy, and not making a dent in it.
That's when I had another Bright Idea.
"We'll sneak around behind it!" I said.
"That could take awhile," Yaki said.
"It might work, though," Goblin Dae said.
Subtilior just smiled. She'd been the last to join us and was still catching up. "Are we in the Swamp of Smut yet?" she asked.
"You're still about a month off," I told her.
To the other two, I explained, "Look, I've tried hitting it every way I know how. Nothing is working. Our best bet is to take that side passage that leads deeper into the caves, and see if we can find a way around it. I know it's dark and scary down there, and I think there might be something pale and yucky waiting for us, and I know I said that this was as deep and dark and scary as I was willing to go... but we're not making any progress this way. It's worth a try. If it doesn't work we'll just come back here and think of something else."
They shrugged and said I was crazy and said that I had to go first, 'cause I'm the leader and that's what leaders do.
So we did.
***
And I was right. It IS darker and scarier, and really kind of awful down here. And there is something pale and yucky that smells like dead fish somewhere off in the darkness. And I'm kinda wondering if maybe Tolkien had this exact same problem, and this is where he found Gollum, because I think whatever it is down here is Gollum's nastier, scarier cousin.
But the worst part is, when we got here, we found the other end of Big and Scaly, blocking the way out.
I might have also lost the thing I came in here to find.
It was at that point I kinda started to despair. Weeks and weeks and months of this journey, and I'm stuck in a dark cavern with almost no light, and we're running out of ideas and the others are kinda eyeing me like they think I might has a flavr.
***
So, I'm sitting here, on a rock, staring at the ass-end of the monster, and listening to everyone whisper and trying to think up a plan.
Well, I'm listening to Yaki, mostly. Goblin Dae is playing on her laptop and ignoring me. Yaki keeps asking me questions about what's on the other side of the monster, and it's a lovely thought to contemplate: the other side of the monster. Not the pointy toothed side, but the side where there IS no more monster, because it's dead or behind us, and yeah... fresh air would be nice.
Monsters fart in their sleep. Who knew?
And that's when Sub, who is still a few weeks behind, pipes up.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing, apparently," I say and stare at the monster's butt some more. "We're stuck."
"What are you stuck on? Sorry, I'm still not there yet."
"Well, we're sitting in a cave and there's something blocking the path. I don't know how to get around it."
"Have you tried fighting it?"
"I think it's sleeping now. It's kind of ignoring me."
"Huh. What about finding some magical weapon?"
"Unless that weapon is a dead fish or a rock, I'm probably not gonna find one here."
"Sucks. Oh, neat!"
"Hmm?"
"This spell you did."
"What spell? Wait, where are you?"
"Uh... We just left the Bloody Valley, I think. Dude, this spell is cool!"
"Oh, that. It's not technically a spell. It was just a thing."
"Well, it's cool. Are you gonna do it again, later? Cause it's awesome."
"I don't know. Hadn't really thought about it in awhile."
"Well, stuff like this doesn't just happen because it's cool. If it happened, there's probably a reason."
"Huh. Maybe. Do you think maybe if I had some gasoline I could torch this baby?"
"Do you have gasoline?"
"No."
"Probably not, then. Am I anywhere near the Swamp of Smut yet?"
"Few weeks out."
"Awesome. I'll check back in then."
Then she sits and stares at the wall again, smiling and playing with her dagger.
I start to think that she's right. There was that thing that I did, back there. And it was cool. At the time I thought, well, it's just a thing so we can move along a bit faster. Only then it actually worked, which most of the other stuff I tried didn't. There had to be a reason for that.
When realization dawns, it doesn't always awaken you slowly with gentle light filling the room. Sometimes it explodes with all the subtlety of a grenade.
And now I'm up and moving, and rousing the others and stuffing all my things into my bag. Because the monster has shifted, just a tiny bit. And I can see, on the other side of it's bulk, a little bit of daylight shining through. So we toss some dirt on the fire, and I bury my Starbucks Double-Shot Espresso and Cream cans, and I think about that thing that we did, way back when...
And I smile, because now I know how to beat this thing.
And it's gonna be FUN.
__________
So, this started as a response to a post bythepuddinhead ... only it kinda took on a life of it's own. I'm a little tired and hyped on caffeine, so please ignore the typos and the bad tense changes.