[for Lyra, the Doctor, and Chase]

[knifebearer]

It wasn't as though Will hadn't been expecting it, really, ever since the Doctor had mentioned that things from your past had a way of showing up here on the island. Maybe he'd even been hoping for it a little. More than a little, if he'd be completely honest with himself

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[alethioliar]

Bow in hand, Lyra was ecstatic. She'd promised to come back at a decent hour this time, still flush with a bewildered sort of happiness at having the man called James Bond attempt to look after her. It was an odd sort of deal they'd struck, but it filled enough of the holes in her heart that she barely thought to question him anymore.

Really, it was all quite simple. She trusted him. She believed him.

Slipping out from the entrance to the caves, Lyra drew her fingers through the tumble of the waterfall, coming out from behind the spray to step into the jungle. A thrill jolted through her the second she saw Will's approach; it was almost a surprise, a released breath she hadn't known she was holding, for she couldn't afford to grow complacent with her expectations, not when she still knew so little about the island.

"I was just coming to find you," she beamed, her face lighting up.

[knifebearer]

Will swallowed hard and did his best not to look away, even though the bright smile on Lyra's face made him feel like a traitor of the worst kind. This would be the last he saw of her, and he wanted to remember her just like that, her face full of life and optimism. "I've got to talk to you," he said, shifting the pack on his shoulder. "It's important."

[alethioliar]

Everything was important; Lyra felt deeply that everything that happened on this island, every moment she spent in this other world, was designed to lead her towards something big. Like Xaphania had said: a deeper, fuller grace attained. That's how it'd happened before. That's how it would have to happen again.

Nothing was pointless. Everything was precious. Everything. "All right," she gulped, already fearing the worst while she strode closer, half expecting one of those painful tugs at her heart since Pan was nowhere to be seen. "What is it? What've you got to tell me?"

[knifebearer]

Will slung his rucksack off his shoulder and reached inside, drawing out the knife in its sheath. "I've found the knife," he said unnecessarily, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat. "The knife," he repeated, though he knew Lyra would know exactly what he meant, exactly what he was going to do.

[alethioliar]

Gasping audibly, Lyra's face crumpled. Worse, she nearly tripped over a rock lining the edge of the pool, completely startled by the sight of the knife and all those golden, gleaming wires and subtle colors.

Catching herself, she clutched her bow in one hand, held her canvas bag to her side in the other, and reluctantly let her eyes slide from the blade to Will's face. "But the Spectres," she choked selfishly before she could stop herself.

[knifebearer]

"I know," said Will helplessly. "I know, the Spectres - I know. I know. But my mother." He made a frustrated gesture and began to pace back and forth like a caged animal. "I can't just leave her by herself, she can't take care of herself anymore." He couldn't say how he was afraid his mother would think he'd abandoned her, run off and left her to fend for herself without a warning or even saying goodbye.

[alethioliar]

At once Lyra felt horrible for wanting to keep him there, miserable, with her. Stepping forward, she quickly choked out, "I know, I do, I know," and then looked away so he wouldn't see her eyes cloud up. In that moment Pan seemed to find Kirjava, for a sensation drew her attention to the now cuddling daemons. It was too much. "When?"

[knifebearer]

Will felt like part of him was being ripped away, looking at Lyra's anguished face, and when she turned away it was almost like setting off from the shore of the world of the dead all over again - that same cold, sick feeling of shame and misery.

"If I don't do it now, I'll lose my nerve. Lyra --" He choked on her name, stepping closer but not quite daring to touch her. "If she wasn't sick, I wouldn't do it. I'd stay here." He felt terrible for saying it, but it was true; he was so happy to be with Lyra again he wasn't sure he could leave her again, and it was only the thought of his mother wandering alone in the street, being jeered at by the sort of boys from school who'd taunted her, that pushed him on. "But I've got to go back to her."

[alethioliar]

Again. They were going to have to part ways all over again, and in that moment she couldn't help but wonder if this was some sort of punishment, them meeting. If she'd done something horribly wrong.

But she also knew that she was being entirely self-centered. The thought of Will's mother, sick and alone, was enough to keep her from crying, but Lyra rubbed a hand over her eyes just to be certain tears wouldn't fall. "I know," she whimpered, all of a sudden feeling very tired. "But Will, when you go, where will I go?"

[knifebearer]

Come with me, he wanted to say, but that was the last thing he could say because in his world she'd just get sick and die in a few years. (Will still wasn't entirely convinced it wouldn't happen here, anyway, no matter what Dr Chase said - they hadn't been here long enough to know.) "Maybe you can go home too," he said, his voice hoarse. "If you want to." He knew there were a lot of people here who didn't want to go home - they were dead where they came from, or they didn't have anywhere to go back to, or they just liked it better here - but Will wasn't one of them.

[alethioliar]

Lyra couldn't afford to go home. Not yet. This world, and all of its complexities, were a part of her now. She couldn't turn her back when all of these people, especially the ones who wanted to go back home, continued to remain in limbo.

But... when would she get another chance to go back to the world she knew? When Will left he would close the window behind him, leaving her stranded, subject to the whims of the island. "I can't," she finally uttered, swallowing thickly where she stood. "I have to figure this out," she shook her head and set her jaw.

And then, "Oh, Will, I'm sorry, I should be used to this by now," she angrily stammered out when the first few tears began to fall, furious at herself for being so weak and cowardly when there he stood, as brave as ever.

[knifebearer]

Will couldn't stand it anymore; he had to touch her, to hold her for the last time. He dropped his rucksack and the knife and hugged her as hard as he could, half expecting her to shove him away angrily. "If I wait," he said, his face pressed into her hair, trying to remember the smell of it and the way she felt close against him, "I won't do it. I have to go now." His voice cracked, making him sound more like a little boy than he really was.

"I'm sorry, Lyra."

[alethioliar]

Being held only made the tears fall faster. Face buried stubbornly into his shirt, Lyra let the tears seep through the fabric, bow and canvas bag completely abandoned. She hugged him desperately and sucked in a few long breaths, inhaling his scent and keeping it in her lungs for as long as she could manage.

"Okay," she murmured, the word muffled until she pulled away and wiped her face. "You have to go now. It won't get any better but it'll get a lot worse if we just stand about, letting it sink in," she firmly insisted. "Do it. Do it now."

[knifebearer]

Letting go of Lyra again was so hard that for one long moment, when she let go, he thought he would change his mind, pull her close to him again and swear he wouldn't leave. But Will had never been the sort to turn his back on responsibility of any kind, and he couldn't possibly start now

[alethioliar]

As she watched him, Lyra felt her heart pulled in too many directions. What if he left her? ...But what if he didn't? What of his mother? It was painful, feeling so much all at once, yet the moment she saw his arm tremble she was overcome with sympathy. Face flushed but no longer wet, she wrapped her arms around herself and studied him, quiet and stiff.

But eventually Lyra let go of a breath she hadn't known she was holding, deflating visibly beside him while he worked. "Will, stop," she finally whispered, her voice still tight with distress as she reached out and gently placed a hand on his arm, "just rest a moment and then you can try again. It'll be all right."

[knifebearer]

"I can't find it," he blurted, nearly dropping the knife and only managing to keep hold of it by the very tips of his fingers. "I can't find it, it's not - it's like it's not even there." He felt a sort of panic flooding him, a slow realisation setting in that no, he really wasn't going to be able to leave, why should this work, the Doctor's travelling machine didn't work, nothing worked here - and it was only Lyra's presence that kept him from completely falling apart. "It's not the knife. It's... it's like there isn't any other world but this one."