Bonjour, several years later
Can I just say that I have only debased myself for another man maybe, twice? One is my ex-boyfriend, and that's been a hellish, rugged, ride. And I should have learned from there - but it was for the sake of the relationship! And other ridiculous excuses which aren't even worth mulling over now. The other times have just been when I fell head over heels for a fool and put myself a bit too forth, embarrassing myself to the next planet.
Well, so what happened? Last week I went to a party at a friend's gallery and was so insistent on leaving. It all seemed shallow and I didn't think I'd meet anyone romantically. Face it - sometimes I want all the cuddles. and sex. and attention. And after stumbling about, I ran into someone who had an industrial piercing just like I did. Nothing about him was fascinating. He was even ordinary looking. I usually have ridiculously high standards in terms of physical attraction and those walls have been crumbling. But he asked me my sign (seriously, who asks that? It's AMAZING, we discussed astrology for a while). And we made American Psycho puns and continued chatting amidst the massive crowd which I didn't even notice. I ended up straddling a cooler for space. The more the night went on, the more appealing and charming he became. His self-deprecating sarcasm, his attire, and something about him kind of just made me smile. I let my guard down - after all, 4 hours of conversing over things nigh and high? That's a good way to get to my heart. Right, the one place that probably shouldn't be fine-tuned at that moment. Seriously, we're at a party, we're not looking for our soul-mate. Disregard the fact that I don't let anyone in easily and am usually very detached from being seduced by another. I'm not against meeting someone and sleeping with them, but if we keep it to that then let's avoid all of these amazing discussions which will clearly me weak in the knees. So one thing leads to another and we start making out. Yes, he keeps insisting on the fact that he ONLY lives 12 blocks away. So it's 3 AM and I walk the bloke home (it's on the way to the train station, I swear!) and I ask to use his bathroom (while half of me could have waited, the other half rationalized that why not sleep with this guy, I don't get the chance often) and so we did the deed. It wasn't particularly fantastic but he was quite cuddly and really friendly after. Not the morning after, immediately after. Actually, the morning after he was quite ambivalent and I hoped to myself that it would not be your stereotypical movie route. I mean, did it HAVE to be? I so rarely allow myself to meet men that when I do, I only really associate with special people (special to me, not necessary a broader, objective upper echelon of men superior in society. NOPE). I didn't regret it, but I did wonder - what if we ended up just talking all night. That would have been much more memorable to me. It would have created a lingering effect. But if he wasn't going to contact me after regardless then his loss.
Yet this person remained on my mind to this very moment. How inopportune! I awkwardly left my number and slithered out of the apartment only to slither back in (oh and I forgot my wallet and phone there. YIKES, hence the return) only to be bombarded with the awkwardness.
Okay, so it's self-explanatory. A one night stand is a one night stand. Nothing more, nothing less. But, WHY? Why doesn't it have to mean that you met someone, had wonderful conversations, chemistry, etc. I'm not saying I want to be with you, I feel like you have a lot to teach me or just be a friend. WHY CAN'T TWO FASCINATING PEOPLE JUST KNOW EACH OTHER. Does it really all whittle down to sex? The most basic, primitive, human desire? You get what you want and move on with your life? The other person is discarded? But WHY does it have to work that way? Where is the origin of this convention, these unwritten rules that we MUST abide by.
What did it feel like to me? It felt like nothing, completely worth overlooking. But not the moments that led up to it. Those will be imprinted into my mind, the indelible footprints. I don't feel cheaper for it, I don't feel used. I wanted it as well, but I carried away something better. A bit of another human being (ergh, no, not those bodily fluids which I had my fair share of . . . sharing). I'm not afraid of making a fool of myself, but I could be kind of shameless. So, I sent him a Facebook message
Hello and let's break the wall of social constructs, once again. THIS IS COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING and took guts. Or is a sign of desperation. Right, but I'm not going with that. Once again, when does society dictate that you HAVE to sleep with someone and then move on with your lives? And since when do I send nicely packaged, customized "thank you for the mediocre sex" e-card? Never. I should have saved face, right? But let's just go with YOLO and "I'm young, let me make mistakes and be a little less than elegant."
Well, so what happened? Last week I went to a party at a friend's gallery and was so insistent on leaving. It all seemed shallow and I didn't think I'd meet anyone romantically. Face it - sometimes I want all the cuddles. and sex. and attention. And after stumbling about, I ran into someone who had an industrial piercing just like I did. Nothing about him was fascinating. He was even ordinary looking. I usually have ridiculously high standards in terms of physical attraction and those walls have been crumbling. But he asked me my sign (seriously, who asks that? It's AMAZING, we discussed astrology for a while). And we made American Psycho puns and continued chatting amidst the massive crowd which I didn't even notice. I ended up straddling a cooler for space. The more the night went on, the more appealing and charming he became. His self-deprecating sarcasm, his attire, and something about him kind of just made me smile. I let my guard down - after all, 4 hours of conversing over things nigh and high? That's a good way to get to my heart. Right, the one place that probably shouldn't be fine-tuned at that moment. Seriously, we're at a party, we're not looking for our soul-mate. Disregard the fact that I don't let anyone in easily and am usually very detached from being seduced by another. I'm not against meeting someone and sleeping with them, but if we keep it to that then let's avoid all of these amazing discussions which will clearly me weak in the knees. So one thing leads to another and we start making out. Yes, he keeps insisting on the fact that he ONLY lives 12 blocks away. So it's 3 AM and I walk the bloke home (it's on the way to the train station, I swear!) and I ask to use his bathroom (while half of me could have waited, the other half rationalized that why not sleep with this guy, I don't get the chance often) and so we did the deed. It wasn't particularly fantastic but he was quite cuddly and really friendly after. Not the morning after, immediately after. Actually, the morning after he was quite ambivalent and I hoped to myself that it would not be your stereotypical movie route. I mean, did it HAVE to be? I so rarely allow myself to meet men that when I do, I only really associate with special people (special to me, not necessary a broader, objective upper echelon of men superior in society. NOPE). I didn't regret it, but I did wonder - what if we ended up just talking all night. That would have been much more memorable to me. It would have created a lingering effect. But if he wasn't going to contact me after regardless then his loss.
Yet this person remained on my mind to this very moment. How inopportune! I awkwardly left my number and slithered out of the apartment only to slither back in (oh and I forgot my wallet and phone there. YIKES, hence the return) only to be bombarded with the awkwardness.
Okay, so it's self-explanatory. A one night stand is a one night stand. Nothing more, nothing less. But, WHY? Why doesn't it have to mean that you met someone, had wonderful conversations, chemistry, etc. I'm not saying I want to be with you, I feel like you have a lot to teach me or just be a friend. WHY CAN'T TWO FASCINATING PEOPLE JUST KNOW EACH OTHER. Does it really all whittle down to sex? The most basic, primitive, human desire? You get what you want and move on with your life? The other person is discarded? But WHY does it have to work that way? Where is the origin of this convention, these unwritten rules that we MUST abide by.
What did it feel like to me? It felt like nothing, completely worth overlooking. But not the moments that led up to it. Those will be imprinted into my mind, the indelible footprints. I don't feel cheaper for it, I don't feel used. I wanted it as well, but I carried away something better. A bit of another human being (ergh, no, not those bodily fluids which I had my fair share of . . . sharing). I'm not afraid of making a fool of myself, but I could be kind of shameless. So, I sent him a Facebook message
Hello and let's break the wall of social constructs, once again. THIS IS COMPLETELY EMBARRASSING and took guts. Or is a sign of desperation. Right, but I'm not going with that. Once again, when does society dictate that you HAVE to sleep with someone and then move on with your lives? And since when do I send nicely packaged, customized "thank you for the mediocre sex" e-card? Never. I should have saved face, right? But let's just go with YOLO and "I'm young, let me make mistakes and be a little less than elegant."