(no subject)
For a while I have been debating whether or not I am making the right decision. Whether or not we are the right decision. I go back and forth. There are days where I think that we are doing the right thing, giving each other the time to decide and figure out if this is in fact something that we do want to fully and whole heartedly commit to. Especially when I see other couples with the desire to branch out to find out if they really know.
Then, there are the days where I am just so confused as to why you cannot just figure it out. Because honestly, if it were up to me I think that on most cases I would commit and be happy. I know I would if you asked. And that alone scares me. Alot. It scares me and makes me wonder if this is at all healthy for me.
This is what I go back and forth with. It comes down to whether or not this is the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do for ME...and not us..and I don't know if that is right way to go about this. I am just so scared to get hurt by all this again. I find myself fearing November 26th like it is going to be a cursed day. I find myself making plans far away to unsure there is going to be more time. I find myself always trying to figure out if we in fact are going to make it.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't know how to not be jealous, not be concerned, not be a girlfriend, when I was a girlfriend and practically am a girlfriend. I don't know how to act sometimes. I don't know if when you do cute things and ask me to hang out all the time, if it is going to backfire on me and make you think that you aren't getting the time when you yourself aren't taking the time. I mean you haven't dated anyone in the near year that we have broken up. What are you waiting for? What are we waiting for?
I needed to know last night how much you cared for me. You told me more than anyone. That we wouldn't have an open relationship without their being a likely relationship. That you can see the possibility in us. I needed to hear something from you, but more so I just need you to figure it out. I don't want to say that I know that you love me because of the fear of it biting me in the ass-but damn it, I feel like I know. Please figure it out. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I don't want it to end, but I am afraid of dragging myself down for nothing.
I have wanted to tell someone all of this for so long. And I feel like I have hardly anyone there to tell it to. That is even more depressing in itself. Honestly, I feel like friendships are falling apart. I am really bitter towards alot of you girls right now. I am bitter that you come down and don't call, that you live a fucking mile at most away and still don't call, and find out more through facebook than from you. I know absolutely nothing about majority of yout lives right now other than the basics. Hell, I find out people move, break up, and etc through the INTERNET. I feel like I've tried the most I can and need something back to know that is worth all the effort.
Then, there are the days where I am just so confused as to why you cannot just figure it out. Because honestly, if it were up to me I think that on most cases I would commit and be happy. I know I would if you asked. And that alone scares me. Alot. It scares me and makes me wonder if this is at all healthy for me.
This is what I go back and forth with. It comes down to whether or not this is the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do for ME...and not us..and I don't know if that is right way to go about this. I am just so scared to get hurt by all this again. I find myself fearing November 26th like it is going to be a cursed day. I find myself making plans far away to unsure there is going to be more time. I find myself always trying to figure out if we in fact are going to make it.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't know how to not be jealous, not be concerned, not be a girlfriend, when I was a girlfriend and practically am a girlfriend. I don't know how to act sometimes. I don't know if when you do cute things and ask me to hang out all the time, if it is going to backfire on me and make you think that you aren't getting the time when you yourself aren't taking the time. I mean you haven't dated anyone in the near year that we have broken up. What are you waiting for? What are we waiting for?
I needed to know last night how much you cared for me. You told me more than anyone. That we wouldn't have an open relationship without their being a likely relationship. That you can see the possibility in us. I needed to hear something from you, but more so I just need you to figure it out. I don't want to say that I know that you love me because of the fear of it biting me in the ass-but damn it, I feel like I know. Please figure it out. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I don't want it to end, but I am afraid of dragging myself down for nothing.
I have wanted to tell someone all of this for so long. And I feel like I have hardly anyone there to tell it to. That is even more depressing in itself. Honestly, I feel like friendships are falling apart. I am really bitter towards alot of you girls right now. I am bitter that you come down and don't call, that you live a fucking mile at most away and still don't call, and find out more through facebook than from you. I know absolutely nothing about majority of yout lives right now other than the basics. Hell, I find out people move, break up, and etc through the INTERNET. I feel like I've tried the most I can and need something back to know that is worth all the effort.