(no subject)
I've decided that I'm going to kill myself.
Not today, not tomorrow, not soon.
But in general.
Life is not worth living. There are glimmers of fun, greatness, joy, hope -- but overall it's a cluster fuck of sadness and wasted moments.
I started smoking marijuana fairly regularly to help with my depression, and it's actually helped quite a bit. I felt like I was alive, like colors were bright and vibrant, not the normal dark and grays that I am used to seeing in every location and every corner of my vision. It's almost like the vibrancy of living was hidden behind the inescapable frustration of, well, life.
But my girlfriend is staunchly anti-drug because of her upbringing. She has adamantly stated that it is not allowed in and around the house. Which basically means now I've quit again, and that makes me sad. Because it really felt like it was helping me... I felt more balanced, more relaxed, less aggressive and considerably less irritable.
Considering she will never read this, it doesn't really matter, but it fucking pisses me off to no end that she is making a decision about what I am and am not allowed to do based off her own ignorance and biases. She will not consider even trying it to understand how it works, she doesn't care that my argument is that it helps my mood -- she just wants it gone. Which is fucking fantastic considering the small investment I made into it to get started... Oh well, just another part of my life that I'm not "allowed" to participate in because I follow everyone else's rules but never do anything about it. It's easier to just exist and be non-combative I guess.
I contacted child services/child support today, to see about the status of my case/support that I have not been receiving for sometime now. The woman assured me they are looking into it, but had no solid leads.
My ex-wife Auna has been off-grid for quite some time it seems and just isn't doing anything in the 'normal' world, no job searches, no applications for work, housing, etc.
They don't even have a phone number listed to reach out to her at.
She owes over six thousands dollars in back child support, and that number grows every month.
I haven't received a check from them since 2017... just another cherry on top of my fucking loser life, which brings me to my initial point.
I think that I'm going to aim for maybe 50? If I make it to 50 years old, thats in 15 years.. Rebecka will be 30 years old, she wont need me for anything else, and the child support that should be paid out by the will likely never be paid.
I have no savings, no nest egg saved up for later in life. I don't have a retirement plan, or life insurance.
I think 50 is a good time to jump the mortal coil.
I wonder if I can do anything worthwhile with my final 15 years?
If the first 35 are any indicator... probably not.
In fact, I'm going to wager that if I'm still alive in 15 years I'll be an even bigger loser than I am now.
Perfect reason to cut the cord.
Not today, not tomorrow, not soon.
But in general.
Life is not worth living. There are glimmers of fun, greatness, joy, hope -- but overall it's a cluster fuck of sadness and wasted moments.
I started smoking marijuana fairly regularly to help with my depression, and it's actually helped quite a bit. I felt like I was alive, like colors were bright and vibrant, not the normal dark and grays that I am used to seeing in every location and every corner of my vision. It's almost like the vibrancy of living was hidden behind the inescapable frustration of, well, life.
But my girlfriend is staunchly anti-drug because of her upbringing. She has adamantly stated that it is not allowed in and around the house. Which basically means now I've quit again, and that makes me sad. Because it really felt like it was helping me... I felt more balanced, more relaxed, less aggressive and considerably less irritable.
Considering she will never read this, it doesn't really matter, but it fucking pisses me off to no end that she is making a decision about what I am and am not allowed to do based off her own ignorance and biases. She will not consider even trying it to understand how it works, she doesn't care that my argument is that it helps my mood -- she just wants it gone. Which is fucking fantastic considering the small investment I made into it to get started... Oh well, just another part of my life that I'm not "allowed" to participate in because I follow everyone else's rules but never do anything about it. It's easier to just exist and be non-combative I guess.
I contacted child services/child support today, to see about the status of my case/support that I have not been receiving for sometime now. The woman assured me they are looking into it, but had no solid leads.
My ex-wife Auna has been off-grid for quite some time it seems and just isn't doing anything in the 'normal' world, no job searches, no applications for work, housing, etc.
They don't even have a phone number listed to reach out to her at.
She owes over six thousands dollars in back child support, and that number grows every month.
I haven't received a check from them since 2017... just another cherry on top of my fucking loser life, which brings me to my initial point.
I think that I'm going to aim for maybe 50? If I make it to 50 years old, thats in 15 years.. Rebecka will be 30 years old, she wont need me for anything else, and the child support that should be paid out by the will likely never be paid.
I have no savings, no nest egg saved up for later in life. I don't have a retirement plan, or life insurance.
I think 50 is a good time to jump the mortal coil.
I wonder if I can do anything worthwhile with my final 15 years?
If the first 35 are any indicator... probably not.
In fact, I'm going to wager that if I'm still alive in 15 years I'll be an even bigger loser than I am now.
Perfect reason to cut the cord.