Huh..
So Chris has made these recent posts about a terrible break-up he is in the middle of, or just had, and while I dont know the details it has made me think about my own life.
The last real relationship I had was with Jaimie and I totally fucked that up big time, and i've always wondered just what is wrong with me that makes me fuck up relationships.
I wonder if it goes back to all the shit that went down with Auna and how nothing was ever 100% a-ok, even the good times had a dark lining to them that lingered.
I wonder if I will ever find someone who understand me for me, and I will be able to peer into their soul and actually fully understand them. Almost a kind of soul link.
I know how stupid this all sounds, but I really havnt had alot of adult relationships.
My relationship with Auna, which continues to this day because we have a child, is and always will be complicated. It has become slightly easier to deal with her as of late, which is a fantastic step forward.
The length of that relationship, while it actually lasted, takes a huge chunk of my life, about 1/6th even. And considering that most of my life up to this point hasnt been spent in a mindset of trying to "find a mate and live happily ever after". It is becoming ever apparant that everything that happened between Auna and I, conceiving a child pretty much the night we met, being 19 years old when we became parents, getting married, having a horrible break-up that is to this day riddled with money troubles and issues of caring for our Daughter, has really fucked me up on the relationship end of things.
I want to get out into the world and meet new people, but at the same time I think I am really, really afraid of being hurt. Terrified even. The kind of terrified that you see int he eyes of a kitten who has its first encounter with a vicious dog.
I think I put up a pretty good shield to others, and even myself, because I like to think that I am this invincible being that everything has to bounce off of for the sake of Rebecka. But I really think that I am pretty weak and that it is all a ploy.
I really dont know how to remedy this, or if I ever will be able to. It seems like my mind is wrapped around this issue all the time, even if I am not conciously thinking about it.
Another odd thing as of late, I have been dreaming again.
I have dreampt every night for the last week. When I say that I have dreamed, I mean I have conciously been able to remember what my dreams were about. And recollect them for sometime after waking.
This is a very odd experience for me.
Most of my life, especially my adult life, I have always been the type to never wake with the feeling of having dreampt.
To be off in other lands, with odd experiences and situations has been somewhat a breath of fresh air.
Perhaps it is a sign of return to normality, or that some of my stress has been shed.
Or something unseen.
I just cleaned my apartment. Alot.
It sucks that I am doing it on a Friday, but I am just waiting for a call from some co-workers so I guess I have nothing else better to do.
I'm getting kinda tired of having to clean up so much around here. I dont feel it appropriate to talk to the other party regarding it. But it is getting really... tedious.
It just occured to me that this is really the first time in awhile i've blogged in here that was from my own experiences and not something regarding politics or... otherwise.
It feels kinda good actually.
I might have to try this more often again.
I'm off for now.
Night world,
Ken
The last real relationship I had was with Jaimie and I totally fucked that up big time, and i've always wondered just what is wrong with me that makes me fuck up relationships.
I wonder if it goes back to all the shit that went down with Auna and how nothing was ever 100% a-ok, even the good times had a dark lining to them that lingered.
I wonder if I will ever find someone who understand me for me, and I will be able to peer into their soul and actually fully understand them. Almost a kind of soul link.
I know how stupid this all sounds, but I really havnt had alot of adult relationships.
My relationship with Auna, which continues to this day because we have a child, is and always will be complicated. It has become slightly easier to deal with her as of late, which is a fantastic step forward.
The length of that relationship, while it actually lasted, takes a huge chunk of my life, about 1/6th even. And considering that most of my life up to this point hasnt been spent in a mindset of trying to "find a mate and live happily ever after". It is becoming ever apparant that everything that happened between Auna and I, conceiving a child pretty much the night we met, being 19 years old when we became parents, getting married, having a horrible break-up that is to this day riddled with money troubles and issues of caring for our Daughter, has really fucked me up on the relationship end of things.
I want to get out into the world and meet new people, but at the same time I think I am really, really afraid of being hurt. Terrified even. The kind of terrified that you see int he eyes of a kitten who has its first encounter with a vicious dog.
I think I put up a pretty good shield to others, and even myself, because I like to think that I am this invincible being that everything has to bounce off of for the sake of Rebecka. But I really think that I am pretty weak and that it is all a ploy.
I really dont know how to remedy this, or if I ever will be able to. It seems like my mind is wrapped around this issue all the time, even if I am not conciously thinking about it.
Another odd thing as of late, I have been dreaming again.
I have dreampt every night for the last week. When I say that I have dreamed, I mean I have conciously been able to remember what my dreams were about. And recollect them for sometime after waking.
This is a very odd experience for me.
Most of my life, especially my adult life, I have always been the type to never wake with the feeling of having dreampt.
To be off in other lands, with odd experiences and situations has been somewhat a breath of fresh air.
Perhaps it is a sign of return to normality, or that some of my stress has been shed.
Or something unseen.
I just cleaned my apartment. Alot.
It sucks that I am doing it on a Friday, but I am just waiting for a call from some co-workers so I guess I have nothing else better to do.
I'm getting kinda tired of having to clean up so much around here. I dont feel it appropriate to talk to the other party regarding it. But it is getting really... tedious.
It just occured to me that this is really the first time in awhile i've blogged in here that was from my own experiences and not something regarding politics or... otherwise.
It feels kinda good actually.
I might have to try this more often again.
I'm off for now.
Night world,
Ken