Bored of being tired
This post is me hashing out what I'm frustrated about and mostly for myself but of course it's on the most public forum I can get my hands on.
I take of myself. I sleep as much as needed, I clean my house, eat super healthy almost all of the time, I bathe, hang out with friends, work so I can have a house, try to stay kinda active, learn new thing every day, and play music. These are the things I NEED to stay sane and yet....I'm bored to tears of everything, even my beloved music. I can't concentrate enough to read much or practice my music much, I'm tired all of the time, and therefore, I'm utterly uninterested in everything except working and eating and paying my bills.
I'm too tired to do anything worthwhile, but not tired enough to sleep all of the time. Maybe I'm too understimulated. I just know that I can't stimulate myself all the time and when I think of my life in Lawrence, nothing is bad, nothing is wrong, I just have lost my drive to do something truly exciting, and I can't believe it. Maybe I'm driven by my grief, something I have neutralized in myself, and this mediocrity is numbing my ass to sleep. Maybe I don't have something that, no matter what, I've got to get up for (like kids, not that I want any right now). Maybe it's cause I'm privileged and don't have to be around suffering if I don't want to (although I'm often about $500 away from being in that place myself).
Whatever it is, I've lost that fire under my ass. Aside from some life altering trama, it's the worst thing I can think of.
I take of myself. I sleep as much as needed, I clean my house, eat super healthy almost all of the time, I bathe, hang out with friends, work so I can have a house, try to stay kinda active, learn new thing every day, and play music. These are the things I NEED to stay sane and yet....I'm bored to tears of everything, even my beloved music. I can't concentrate enough to read much or practice my music much, I'm tired all of the time, and therefore, I'm utterly uninterested in everything except working and eating and paying my bills.
I'm too tired to do anything worthwhile, but not tired enough to sleep all of the time. Maybe I'm too understimulated. I just know that I can't stimulate myself all the time and when I think of my life in Lawrence, nothing is bad, nothing is wrong, I just have lost my drive to do something truly exciting, and I can't believe it. Maybe I'm driven by my grief, something I have neutralized in myself, and this mediocrity is numbing my ass to sleep. Maybe I don't have something that, no matter what, I've got to get up for (like kids, not that I want any right now). Maybe it's cause I'm privileged and don't have to be around suffering if I don't want to (although I'm often about $500 away from being in that place myself).
Whatever it is, I've lost that fire under my ass. Aside from some life altering trama, it's the worst thing I can think of.