when i can't sleep
life frusterates me so much that it puts me to tears at night. this hasnt happened in a while but last night it got to me and tonight it hit me even worse. its weird because i'm usually happy and optimistic, i am and i want to be but when i start racking my brain, i end up feeling like i got kicked in the gut.
i evaluate myself all the time, i guess thats my problem. i have these expectations of myself about everything such as school, my job, my social life, family life, appearance, boys, the future... the problem happens when i compare what i have done in these areas to other people that i know. when i see myself behind or lagging in one of these areas, i'm really hard on myself. i always ask myself, why havent you done this like so-and-so? and well all of your closest friends have done/experienced/achieved/or made this, and why havent you, kim? why are you behind in this? what's wrong with you? will you ever be able to do this?
i don't see this as a competition, but merely comparison and i dwell on the things that i see as lacking. then i go through all the times when someone or some experience has hurt me. i think about how it deprived me of what i really needed or wanted but never had a chance to have. then i feel so much disappointment within myself that it builds up from inside and shows itself all at once when i wallow in self pity.
i hate that. i hate that i have to think like that...is it natural? maybe? do i possess more of this comparison gene than the rest? i don't know. all i know is that it's a 7 am, my eyes will be puffy tomorrow, and i will be happier again. writing this was very therapeutic.
i evaluate myself all the time, i guess thats my problem. i have these expectations of myself about everything such as school, my job, my social life, family life, appearance, boys, the future... the problem happens when i compare what i have done in these areas to other people that i know. when i see myself behind or lagging in one of these areas, i'm really hard on myself. i always ask myself, why havent you done this like so-and-so? and well all of your closest friends have done/experienced/achieved/or made this, and why havent you, kim? why are you behind in this? what's wrong with you? will you ever be able to do this?
i don't see this as a competition, but merely comparison and i dwell on the things that i see as lacking. then i go through all the times when someone or some experience has hurt me. i think about how it deprived me of what i really needed or wanted but never had a chance to have. then i feel so much disappointment within myself that it builds up from inside and shows itself all at once when i wallow in self pity.
i hate that. i hate that i have to think like that...is it natural? maybe? do i possess more of this comparison gene than the rest? i don't know. all i know is that it's a 7 am, my eyes will be puffy tomorrow, and i will be happier again. writing this was very therapeutic.