its funny to me
I went to St. Petersburg this past weekend. I was definitely in dire need of a vacation. The majority of the time I was drunk or fucked up some how it was very interesting. The hotel was beautiful and it was a lot of fun. I went with Renee, Brandon and Tlo. Great group, great times I am so glad that trip happened.
I have had kind of a difficult time with Colin lately. I told Jennifer about us and the conversation I ended up having with her really upset me. I definitely want her to be honest with me and so forth but the way she handled it was very hypocritical considering the situation she is in with Patrick. I know I just need to talk to her about all this stuff and we will when she is back in Athens, I already told her that but it just really got to me. It got to me a lot more than I originally wanted to admit. I kind of broke down yesterday. I went from being furious in the morning and hurt and crying by nightfall. I have not been able to act the same towards Colin for the past couple days and I hate that. He has not done anything wrong but its just all so much to handle. I know its getting to the point where my feelings are just fuck everyone else this is about me. Its so hard though when you care so much about your friends and you want them to be happy but they are not giving you the response you hoped for.
The truth is though, I know I dont want this to be over now. I am not sure what I want with this but I do know that I dont want to end it. Not like that and not right now. Colin is really sweet and fun and great to talk to. I just want to let things run its course and I want people to stay out of my business. I dont get personally involved in other people's relationships so I dont want them to do that to me. The way I see it is that I have had my breakdown and so the rest will be that much easier. I have punched and cried the clutter out of my head, now this will all just take its natural course. It will be interesting to see what happens.
The question is, in the end will it have been worth all this trouble? Am I fighting for a guy who will not really bring anything significant to my life? Do I really need him to bring anything significant to my life. Is it enough to fight for just good company? I guess that is more than one question. I ask myself if things are worth fighting for but then I have to ask myself if there really needs to be a fight at all. Does every relationship have to be a front page news story? It seems according to our society every woman must be thinking about the possiblity of "the one" with each man in which she is interested. Why can't a woman just want good conversation and sex? Why does that have to be wrong. Why can't a woman just want a relationship but not THE relationship. I sit and watch as each day more and more people I know are getting engaged, married, and having babies. Sometimes I feel like I am the last one in line for all of that stuff and sometimes it feels lonely and sometimes I think, "thank God!".
I have had kind of a difficult time with Colin lately. I told Jennifer about us and the conversation I ended up having with her really upset me. I definitely want her to be honest with me and so forth but the way she handled it was very hypocritical considering the situation she is in with Patrick. I know I just need to talk to her about all this stuff and we will when she is back in Athens, I already told her that but it just really got to me. It got to me a lot more than I originally wanted to admit. I kind of broke down yesterday. I went from being furious in the morning and hurt and crying by nightfall. I have not been able to act the same towards Colin for the past couple days and I hate that. He has not done anything wrong but its just all so much to handle. I know its getting to the point where my feelings are just fuck everyone else this is about me. Its so hard though when you care so much about your friends and you want them to be happy but they are not giving you the response you hoped for.
The truth is though, I know I dont want this to be over now. I am not sure what I want with this but I do know that I dont want to end it. Not like that and not right now. Colin is really sweet and fun and great to talk to. I just want to let things run its course and I want people to stay out of my business. I dont get personally involved in other people's relationships so I dont want them to do that to me. The way I see it is that I have had my breakdown and so the rest will be that much easier. I have punched and cried the clutter out of my head, now this will all just take its natural course. It will be interesting to see what happens.
The question is, in the end will it have been worth all this trouble? Am I fighting for a guy who will not really bring anything significant to my life? Do I really need him to bring anything significant to my life. Is it enough to fight for just good company? I guess that is more than one question. I ask myself if things are worth fighting for but then I have to ask myself if there really needs to be a fight at all. Does every relationship have to be a front page news story? It seems according to our society every woman must be thinking about the possiblity of "the one" with each man in which she is interested. Why can't a woman just want good conversation and sex? Why does that have to be wrong. Why can't a woman just want a relationship but not THE relationship. I sit and watch as each day more and more people I know are getting engaged, married, and having babies. Sometimes I feel like I am the last one in line for all of that stuff and sometimes it feels lonely and sometimes I think, "thank God!".