I get scared.
I don't know how I'm suppose to feel. I get sad and feel guilty. I cry and don't know why. But it feels so good to let it out. I think I cry because I get so confused sometimes. I don't cry because I feel hurt. She never purposely hurts me. Not now. Things have changed. I cry because I'm sad for other reasons. I cry because I'm scared. I'm scared because I can't always control my emotions. I fear that I'll drive myself crazy over worrying. I have to stop worrying. It's not easy to trust again but I know that I want to. With all my heart I want to trust again. I want to have the best relationship possible. I love her so much. I think about losing her and I can't take it. I know that it would be my fault if anything happened to us again. I wouldn't ever do anything stupid but my constant worrying can do just as much damage. I need to let go and let our love grow. I know I can do it. Moments with her are so amazing. I feel so complete. I feel so happy when I'm next to her. I feel like I've found something special. I have found something special. I can't let my mind get the best of me. I need to get out of my head. I cry because my mind doesn't stop. She won't hurt me. I know this. In my heart. So why doesn't my mind follow? I guess I just need time. But I know I drive her crazy with my questions and doubts. It would drive me crazy too, if I was in her shoes. I hope that she keeps her patience while I fight these insecurities.
I know it's bad but sometimes, on my worst days, I wonder...What if my doubts were right? What if she loved me, but just couldn't help herself. How would I deal? To avoid the pain of loss,I would want to love her nonetheless. I would give her everything that I have, even if she was lying to me. I would convince myself that it didn't matter. If I loved her right and gave her trust, then that's all I was responsible for. If she didn't do the same, that wasn't my problem. As long as I gave her all my love. BUT it would be my problem. It would be a very big problem. I break down and cry more because I feel like I've lost respect for myself. I deserve respect and an honest relationship. I deserve to love someone that treats me as well I treat them. I deserve to be with someone that only loves me, only gives and takes attention to and from me. No exceptions. If I can do that, why can't someone do it for me? And she does do that for me. And it's because she does that now I know that I won't accept anything else. Maybe I daydream about these worst case scenarios because I know they'd never happen. It's easy to say you'll stick around when treated badly when it's less probable. It is not going to happen. And if it did, I would leave. And that's that. I just get caught up in my mind. She gives me a look or says something and I turn it into something else. I need to stop. I need to trust unless given a reason not to trust. I got one reason but I'm letting that go. I want to. I want us to last. It's the only way I can move on. It's the only way we have a shot. I'm letting go of what set us back. She deserves that. I deserve that. We deserve that.
I know the kind of love I'm capable of. When I fall in love, I give everything to that person. When I know what I have is special, I can hold on forever. I can love her forever. I want to love her forever. I will. I don't know what it is but it's so hard for me to believe that anyone else can do the same. It's so difficult for me to believe that someone can love me forever too. I just make up excuses for them. I'm scared of rejection so I think of a million different reasons why someone could stop loving me. I try to accept it before it happens. Here's 10 off the top of my crazy head. 1)They are too young to know what love is. 2)They are going to grow bored of this relationship. 3)They'll meet someone else with whom they have a better connection with 4)They'll realize they'd rather have me as a friend. 5)They don't love me like that anymore, but they're too afraid to hurt me by leaving me 6)They're not attracted to me(anymore) 7)They'll realize they're straight. 8)They don't see a future with me anymore. 9)They want to know what it's like to be single again. 10)I'm just not enough.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to give my relationship the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that someone can love like I do. I want to risk rejection. I want to risk everything for the greatest reward that is love. True love. I need to get my act together so I don't lose it.
I know it's bad but sometimes, on my worst days, I wonder...What if my doubts were right? What if she loved me, but just couldn't help herself. How would I deal? To avoid the pain of loss,I would want to love her nonetheless. I would give her everything that I have, even if she was lying to me. I would convince myself that it didn't matter. If I loved her right and gave her trust, then that's all I was responsible for. If she didn't do the same, that wasn't my problem. As long as I gave her all my love. BUT it would be my problem. It would be a very big problem. I break down and cry more because I feel like I've lost respect for myself. I deserve respect and an honest relationship. I deserve to love someone that treats me as well I treat them. I deserve to be with someone that only loves me, only gives and takes attention to and from me. No exceptions. If I can do that, why can't someone do it for me? And she does do that for me. And it's because she does that now I know that I won't accept anything else. Maybe I daydream about these worst case scenarios because I know they'd never happen. It's easy to say you'll stick around when treated badly when it's less probable. It is not going to happen. And if it did, I would leave. And that's that. I just get caught up in my mind. She gives me a look or says something and I turn it into something else. I need to stop. I need to trust unless given a reason not to trust. I got one reason but I'm letting that go. I want to. I want us to last. It's the only way I can move on. It's the only way we have a shot. I'm letting go of what set us back. She deserves that. I deserve that. We deserve that.
I know the kind of love I'm capable of. When I fall in love, I give everything to that person. When I know what I have is special, I can hold on forever. I can love her forever. I want to love her forever. I will. I don't know what it is but it's so hard for me to believe that anyone else can do the same. It's so difficult for me to believe that someone can love me forever too. I just make up excuses for them. I'm scared of rejection so I think of a million different reasons why someone could stop loving me. I try to accept it before it happens. Here's 10 off the top of my crazy head. 1)They are too young to know what love is. 2)They are going to grow bored of this relationship. 3)They'll meet someone else with whom they have a better connection with 4)They'll realize they'd rather have me as a friend. 5)They don't love me like that anymore, but they're too afraid to hurt me by leaving me 6)They're not attracted to me(anymore) 7)They'll realize they're straight. 8)They don't see a future with me anymore. 9)They want to know what it's like to be single again. 10)I'm just not enough.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to give my relationship the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that someone can love like I do. I want to risk rejection. I want to risk everything for the greatest reward that is love. True love. I need to get my act together so I don't lose it.