(no subject)
If I could just form into one of the characters I play, I would right now. With the way that things seem to be going, it would be just as painful being them but at least I wouldn't have to think about some of the things I do right now. I'd be prettier, and I'd feel less like hell. And when I mean less like hell, I actually mean it. Why am I so bad at asking for help? Because when I do I get stabbed and I can't take it anymore? Or is it because I am just so unsure of myself right now? Last week I wasn't really happy, but I wasn't broken, today I sit in my bed in Breckenridge, and I'm broken. I can't spend a day with out breaking down into tears and the worst part is, I am so scared that it doesn't matter.
I'm not as smart as people think I am, I'm not as what ever it is that people think I am. I'm just not. I suck, I am beat up, and yet I am still moving forward on my own two feet, hell I wont let anyone wash my dishes for me because I hate that I am not strong enough. I am used to moving things on my own, but now I can't. I am used to driving stick, and now I can't. I loved that car, and the thought that I'm never going to drive a TT again kills me inside, it's so dumb, and its so pointless, but its true. I am not as good of a person as I am made out to be, I like stupid things, and I wish people would stop telling me that it was "just a car" because to me it wasn't. It meant something to me, its like taking a kids favorite stuffed toy and saying that it means nothing, that it is just "a stuffed toy" it isn't. It holds feelings in it, it isn't a cold thing, it is a real thing. A real thing that means something to me....
I guess I should stop here, it's not like anyone is really going to read every word of this, I'm not sure I would either. But know this. I am crying, and I am going to cry, because I am human and I do cry.
I'm not as smart as people think I am, I'm not as what ever it is that people think I am. I'm just not. I suck, I am beat up, and yet I am still moving forward on my own two feet, hell I wont let anyone wash my dishes for me because I hate that I am not strong enough. I am used to moving things on my own, but now I can't. I am used to driving stick, and now I can't. I loved that car, and the thought that I'm never going to drive a TT again kills me inside, it's so dumb, and its so pointless, but its true. I am not as good of a person as I am made out to be, I like stupid things, and I wish people would stop telling me that it was "just a car" because to me it wasn't. It meant something to me, its like taking a kids favorite stuffed toy and saying that it means nothing, that it is just "a stuffed toy" it isn't. It holds feelings in it, it isn't a cold thing, it is a real thing. A real thing that means something to me....
I guess I should stop here, it's not like anyone is really going to read every word of this, I'm not sure I would either. But know this. I am crying, and I am going to cry, because I am human and I do cry.