(no subject)
" She said "Say what you will about their music, sometimes I just want to be fucked like a Four Non Blondes album; Bigger, Better, Faster, More." "
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There's so much going on right now..but at the same time, nothing's happening.
I want him.....in a way that isn't just sexual. Just the talking is enough to make me happy. Fuck, I want to be happy.
But things aren't working out....they aren't going the way they should...the way fate seemed to want it to go back in those days...
It's the exhaustion that comes along with thinking about this...after hours of those days reinacting in my mind...I slowly get tired...fading in and out of sleep...but it doesn't disappear...it doesn't go away.
But for you it does. It goes away. It leaves you to other things, happiness you can have without this relationship...without this love.
It's like the more I want this love, the further it drifts away....and just when I'm starting to get you out of my head, you return to me...with a simple conversation we have...or something I come upon that reminds me of you.
But you don't want to be set up on that pedistal...you don't want me to think of you in this way.
I can't tell myself to love, I can't tell myself to hate....and I can't lie to myself. It's not like in a fairy tale and it's not like in a dream. I know this has to be right; this love, this feeling I have deep down inside of me.
It's almost like it's always been inside of me...like all those years I fought to get away from THEM. The hurt, the torture...it's almost like I knew you'd be in my life at some point, healing my pain with your voice, your warmth that even you don't know you emit.
You said to me that you would wait. You told me ....and although I wanted to tell you then that I loved you, I kept it inside of me...
I need to tell you know though, but it's too late. You no longer want to wait...it's now me waiting. Waiting for something that may not come?
I don't know how you feel, I don't know if you ever felt how I feel right now. This burning, this longing, this understanding of what life wanted me to find. A friend, someone to care about. A friend, someone to love.
I'm not going to force you. I respect what you feel inside. I respect how you want to live your life this way.
But that night...the kiss we shared...why is it in my head? Why does it seem like it's something I'll never forget?
I know our age...I know we're young...and I know that we have our whole lives to find the person we should be with. But I don't need more time to find anyone.
It's funny how when I find happiness, it's taken away. You didn't mean to hurt me...but it was more painful than anything...more painful than the experiences I had growing up. Those words you spoke...the words you wrote...they broke my heart..like glass. But glass can be put back together...it can become one again....but my heart can't. This exhaustion increases inside of me.
I want to call you...to hear your voice. But I can't bear it...the feeling that will come with it...knowing you may not feel the same way....
"distance makes the heart grow fonder" <---is there truth to that? ...tell me if there is. :P
Seems silly how this journal's filled with my crazy rantings .. :)
Who knows, maybe in a few months, things will be great again............... :)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There's so much going on right now..but at the same time, nothing's happening.
I want him.....in a way that isn't just sexual. Just the talking is enough to make me happy. Fuck, I want to be happy.
But things aren't working out....they aren't going the way they should...the way fate seemed to want it to go back in those days...
It's the exhaustion that comes along with thinking about this...after hours of those days reinacting in my mind...I slowly get tired...fading in and out of sleep...but it doesn't disappear...it doesn't go away.
But for you it does. It goes away. It leaves you to other things, happiness you can have without this relationship...without this love.
It's like the more I want this love, the further it drifts away....and just when I'm starting to get you out of my head, you return to me...with a simple conversation we have...or something I come upon that reminds me of you.
But you don't want to be set up on that pedistal...you don't want me to think of you in this way.
I can't tell myself to love, I can't tell myself to hate....and I can't lie to myself. It's not like in a fairy tale and it's not like in a dream. I know this has to be right; this love, this feeling I have deep down inside of me.
It's almost like it's always been inside of me...like all those years I fought to get away from THEM. The hurt, the torture...it's almost like I knew you'd be in my life at some point, healing my pain with your voice, your warmth that even you don't know you emit.
You said to me that you would wait. You told me ....and although I wanted to tell you then that I loved you, I kept it inside of me...
I need to tell you know though, but it's too late. You no longer want to wait...it's now me waiting. Waiting for something that may not come?
I don't know how you feel, I don't know if you ever felt how I feel right now. This burning, this longing, this understanding of what life wanted me to find. A friend, someone to care about. A friend, someone to love.
I'm not going to force you. I respect what you feel inside. I respect how you want to live your life this way.
But that night...the kiss we shared...why is it in my head? Why does it seem like it's something I'll never forget?
I know our age...I know we're young...and I know that we have our whole lives to find the person we should be with. But I don't need more time to find anyone.
It's funny how when I find happiness, it's taken away. You didn't mean to hurt me...but it was more painful than anything...more painful than the experiences I had growing up. Those words you spoke...the words you wrote...they broke my heart..like glass. But glass can be put back together...it can become one again....but my heart can't. This exhaustion increases inside of me.
I want to call you...to hear your voice. But I can't bear it...the feeling that will come with it...knowing you may not feel the same way....
"distance makes the heart grow fonder" <---is there truth to that? ...tell me if there is. :P
Seems silly how this journal's filled with my crazy rantings .. :)
Who knows, maybe in a few months, things will be great again............... :)