Not-Quite-A-Fic: "Every SGA Slash Bad!Fic Ever Written" (1/1) by Debris K & Krissy Mae Anderson
Title: Every SGA Slash Bad!Fic Ever Written
Authors: *are so proud* *cough* debris_k & kma
Rating: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Summary:If I were a warning, I’d run away…
A/N: We blame junk food, lack of sleep and Every Fanfic Ever Written!. We would be sorry if we were not so braindead from teh squee.
ETA: Now with bonus crack!audiofic, read by The Demented Psychodelic Squirrel Duo.
NON-CON
CHARACTER 1: I’ve been raped!
CHARACTER 2: Never fear, my magic cock is here!
AUTHOR: I’ve done a lot of serious research on The Power of Love for this story.
READERS: *headdesk*
H/C
CHARACTER 1: I have been horribly tortured/disfigured/tickled into tears, and may never recover from the *sniff* emotional trauma *sob*.
EVIL VILLAIN: Chica-chica-bow-wow! *speaks in past participle*
CHARACTER 1: Will these utterly badly tensed flashbacks never end?!
READERS: What? Also, *sob*.
AUTHOR: *waits for adoring masses to throw high-fives*
CHARACTER 2: Hang on, I’ve gotta lube up this magical thing…
CHARACTER 1: *cries*
PWP
READERS: This better be hot…
MISSING PLOT: *attempts to be hot*
CHARACTERS: *fuck*
AUTHOR: My thesaurus has never been this stretched and well worked!
ALIENS MADE THEM DO IT
CHARACTER 1: We’re on an alien planet surrounded by alien people performing an alien ritual. Alienly.
CHARACTER 2: Oh damn, not again… *takes clothes off, assumes position*
ALIENS: WTF? *make them do it*
READERS: We find the constant thematic repetition surprisingly arousing, nonetheless.
AUTHOR: I so rule. Alienly.
VIRGIN!FIC
CHARACTER 1: I’m a virgin even though I’m forty years old.
READERS: Why are we not surprised?
CHARACTER 2: I’m almost a virgin too, but I’m gonna fake it just for you.
AUTHOR: Wish my first time would be as heavenly as theirs.
AU w/out STARGATE
CHARACTER 1: I’m a schoolgirl even though I’m a man.
CHARACTER 2: I’m the lunch lady even though I have several advanced degrees.
PLOT: *shock!gasp*
READERS: *stare*
AUTHOR: Theirloveissotwu…
AU w/ STARGATE
CHARACTER 1: I can’t figure out how the Stargate works.
CHARACTER 2: I’ve never even heard of such a thing in my life, but in 3 seconds flat, dude, I’m gonna be your go-to guy.
CHARACTER 1: *stares* *pounces*
AUTHOR: This so should have happened on the show.
READERS: Pull the other one, it has bells on.
AU AU
EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER: *is related, despite all odds*
AUTHOR: We’re a happy family, we’re a happy family, be my daddy…
READERS: No. Just. No.
TRANSFORMATION
HALF OF CHARACTERS: *turn into small young female alien animals*
OTHER HALF OF CHARACTERS: WTF.
ORIGINAL HALF OF CHARACTERS: *small young female alien animals IN HEAT*
PLOT: Author, please? Author?! Are you there?
READERS: Mooo.
PRE-ATLANTIS
CHARACTER 1: Even though the world has 6 billion people, strangely, we keep bumping into each other.
CHARACTER 2: Bumping, ‘ey? *nudge nudge, wink wink*
SETTING: *is distressed. And OOC.*
READERS: The probabilities of this happening are… not as impossible as one would imagine.
MEET THE FAMILY
CHARACTER 1: My family are sociopathic child abusers who eat kittens for breakfast.
CHARACTER 2: Is this where the magic cock comes in? Also, mine eat puppies. And small rodents.
BACKSTORY: *makes no sense whatsoever*
READERS: Awww. *patpat*
DESPERATELY HAPPY ENDING: *is depressed*
UNREQUITED LOVE
CHARACTER 1: I’m totally straight even though I’ve been feeling up guys since I hit puberty.
CHARACTER 2: He is totally straight even though he’s been feeling up guys ever since I’ve known him.
ROMANTIC SUBPLOT: Woe is me.
READERS: *dig out own eyeballs with spoons*
AUTHOR: *feels accomplished*
MATCHMAKERS
AUTHOR: Theirloveisgonnabesopure… as soon as I get Larry Stu meddling into their lives.
CHARACTERS: Ack! *are hit by clue-by-four*
PLOT: *is lost*
READERS: Well, at least they left the beavers alone this time…
KINKS/SLAVE!FIC
CHARACTER 1: I have never shown any inclination for strange sexual activities with strange men, yet I feel oddly attracted to committing my whole life to such a relationship.
CHARACTER 2: *dresses up in leather, pulls out whips and chains*
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: *dies a slow, painful death*
AUTHOR: What? I’m not sublimating my unfulfilled desires on you. I’m not! … Wanna see my other kinks?
ON A MISSION ACTION TEAM DRAMA
TEAM: Here we are on this unexplored alien planet. What could happen?
PLOT DEVICE: *explodes*
TEAM: *runs*
READERS: *are not surprised*
AUTHOR: It might have been slightly OOC, but did you see how I made him use that trick taken from his childhood flashback like a pro? Wicked.
MPREG/MARRIAGE/KID!FIC
CHARACTER 1: I think he’s pregnant despite being a man. I’d better marry him before he sleeps with someone else.
CHARACTER 2: *spawns, with full honors*
PLOT: I’m devoted to the happiness and wellbeing of the offspring and their domestic bliss.
AUTHOR: This was so much fun! Let me try and populate a small planet this way!
READERS: Bitch, please.
CRACK!FIC
REPARTES: If we were witty, this might have even worked.
CHARACTERS: Ditto.
READERS: Yep.
AUTHOR: Crack - crackity - crack crack crack. Isn’t it just?
JEALOUSY!FIC
CHARACTER 1: *chatting innocently*
CHARACTER 2: You dirty cheating backstabbing manwhore! How could you?!?!
LOGIC: *flies out of window*
READERS: *wish they could follow logic*
AUTHOR: I handled that perfectly! Only 3 characters died in the process, but oh well…
DEATH!FIC
CHARACTERS: *are dead*
STORY: I’m following right after you.
SINGLE SURVIVOR: Woe. Also, WTF should I do now?
READERS: Die. Please.
FUTURE!FIC
SPANKIN’ NEW ORIGINAL CHARACTERS: We’re either the offspring of the original ensemble or completely random people unrelated to anyone.
SURVIVING OLDTIMERS: Get off my property, you ungrateful runts or we’ll tell your parents! *shake walking sticks*
WRAITH: *come suddenly* …Are we in time for the tea party?
READERS: *boggle* This might not be the fandom you think it is…
AUTHOR: I have side notes. Wanna see my cool side notes?
CHARACTER ANALISYS
AUTHOR: I’m so deep I can see China.
RANDOM TARGETED CHARACTER: Ack. Kill me now, please.
READERS: What he said.
PLOT: I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole.
EPISODE RELATED
PLOT: This is what happened in the 1.7 seconds between two scenes.
CHARACTER 1: That’s the longest lunch break I’ve ever had.
CHARACTER 2: Is this the one where I’m abducted and tortured, or are we just gonna fuck all the while?
AUTHOR: Ain’t I clever? What a plot development, huh?
READERS: Logic? What logic?
OUTED/HOMOPHOBIA
HALF OF CHARACTERS: Let’s burn ‘em at the stake!
OTHER HALF OF CHARACTERS: Aww, they’re meant for each other! Wonder when the wedding is?
CHARACTER 1: You’re scaring me more than the pitchfork-wielding bunch.
CHARACTER 2: Are we fucking yet?
READERS: Duuude.
AUTHOR: I’m so accepting! See me accept! Me, me, me!
THE NEVER-ENDING ONGOING SERIALS
PLOT: *gets lost at the beginning, never to be seen again*
CHARACTERS: Is there no end to our misery?
AUTHORS: Must write. Write, write, write.
READERS: I gave up my life to read this?!
AUTHORS: Wriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite.
HOLIDAY!FIC
CHARACTER 1: Even though we’re all from different cultures with very few common beliefs between us, we’re gonna get festive this season!
CHARACTER 2: I’m not even from the same galaxy, but I can get behind the festive spirit.
FESTIVE SPIRIT: I’m the plague in disguise. Don’t tell anyone.
READERS: *whimper*
RPS
CHARACTERIZATION: I’m not even present in this genre.
AUTHOR: This is the representation of my deep love for the actors! Let me show you it!
TEN FOOT POLE: *doesn’t touch it*
Authors: *are so proud* *cough* debris_k & kma
Rating: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Summary:If I were a warning, I’d run away…
A/N: We blame junk food, lack of sleep and Every Fanfic Ever Written!. We would be sorry if we were not so braindead from teh squee.
ETA: Now with bonus crack!audiofic, read by The Demented Psychodelic Squirrel Duo.
NON-CON
CHARACTER 1: I’ve been raped!
CHARACTER 2: Never fear, my magic cock is here!
AUTHOR: I’ve done a lot of serious research on The Power of Love for this story.
READERS: *headdesk*
H/C
CHARACTER 1: I have been horribly tortured/disfigured/tickled into tears, and may never recover from the *sniff* emotional trauma *sob*.
EVIL VILLAIN: Chica-chica-bow-wow! *speaks in past participle*
CHARACTER 1: Will these utterly badly tensed flashbacks never end?!
READERS: What? Also, *sob*.
AUTHOR: *waits for adoring masses to throw high-fives*
CHARACTER 2: Hang on, I’ve gotta lube up this magical thing…
CHARACTER 1: *cries*
PWP
READERS: This better be hot…
MISSING PLOT: *attempts to be hot*
CHARACTERS: *fuck*
AUTHOR: My thesaurus has never been this stretched and well worked!
ALIENS MADE THEM DO IT
CHARACTER 1: We’re on an alien planet surrounded by alien people performing an alien ritual. Alienly.
CHARACTER 2: Oh damn, not again… *takes clothes off, assumes position*
ALIENS: WTF? *make them do it*
READERS: We find the constant thematic repetition surprisingly arousing, nonetheless.
AUTHOR: I so rule. Alienly.
VIRGIN!FIC
CHARACTER 1: I’m a virgin even though I’m forty years old.
READERS: Why are we not surprised?
CHARACTER 2: I’m almost a virgin too, but I’m gonna fake it just for you.
AUTHOR: Wish my first time would be as heavenly as theirs.
AU w/out STARGATE
CHARACTER 1: I’m a schoolgirl even though I’m a man.
CHARACTER 2: I’m the lunch lady even though I have several advanced degrees.
PLOT: *shock!gasp*
READERS: *stare*
AUTHOR: Theirloveissotwu…
AU w/ STARGATE
CHARACTER 1: I can’t figure out how the Stargate works.
CHARACTER 2: I’ve never even heard of such a thing in my life, but in 3 seconds flat, dude, I’m gonna be your go-to guy.
CHARACTER 1: *stares* *pounces*
AUTHOR: This so should have happened on the show.
READERS: Pull the other one, it has bells on.
AU AU
EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER: *is related, despite all odds*
AUTHOR: We’re a happy family, we’re a happy family, be my daddy…
READERS: No. Just. No.
TRANSFORMATION
HALF OF CHARACTERS: *turn into small young female alien animals*
OTHER HALF OF CHARACTERS: WTF.
ORIGINAL HALF OF CHARACTERS: *small young female alien animals IN HEAT*
PLOT: Author, please? Author?! Are you there?
READERS: Mooo.
PRE-ATLANTIS
CHARACTER 1: Even though the world has 6 billion people, strangely, we keep bumping into each other.
CHARACTER 2: Bumping, ‘ey? *nudge nudge, wink wink*
SETTING: *is distressed. And OOC.*
READERS: The probabilities of this happening are… not as impossible as one would imagine.
MEET THE FAMILY
CHARACTER 1: My family are sociopathic child abusers who eat kittens for breakfast.
CHARACTER 2: Is this where the magic cock comes in? Also, mine eat puppies. And small rodents.
BACKSTORY: *makes no sense whatsoever*
READERS: Awww. *patpat*
DESPERATELY HAPPY ENDING: *is depressed*
UNREQUITED LOVE
CHARACTER 1: I’m totally straight even though I’ve been feeling up guys since I hit puberty.
CHARACTER 2: He is totally straight even though he’s been feeling up guys ever since I’ve known him.
ROMANTIC SUBPLOT: Woe is me.
READERS: *dig out own eyeballs with spoons*
AUTHOR: *feels accomplished*
MATCHMAKERS
AUTHOR: Theirloveisgonnabesopure… as soon as I get Larry Stu meddling into their lives.
CHARACTERS: Ack! *are hit by clue-by-four*
PLOT: *is lost*
READERS: Well, at least they left the beavers alone this time…
KINKS/SLAVE!FIC
CHARACTER 1: I have never shown any inclination for strange sexual activities with strange men, yet I feel oddly attracted to committing my whole life to such a relationship.
CHARACTER 2: *dresses up in leather, pulls out whips and chains*
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: *dies a slow, painful death*
AUTHOR: What? I’m not sublimating my unfulfilled desires on you. I’m not! … Wanna see my other kinks?
ON A MISSION ACTION TEAM DRAMA
TEAM: Here we are on this unexplored alien planet. What could happen?
PLOT DEVICE: *explodes*
TEAM: *runs*
READERS: *are not surprised*
AUTHOR: It might have been slightly OOC, but did you see how I made him use that trick taken from his childhood flashback like a pro? Wicked.
MPREG/MARRIAGE/KID!FIC
CHARACTER 1: I think he’s pregnant despite being a man. I’d better marry him before he sleeps with someone else.
CHARACTER 2: *spawns, with full honors*
PLOT: I’m devoted to the happiness and wellbeing of the offspring and their domestic bliss.
AUTHOR: This was so much fun! Let me try and populate a small planet this way!
READERS: Bitch, please.
CRACK!FIC
REPARTES: If we were witty, this might have even worked.
CHARACTERS: Ditto.
READERS: Yep.
AUTHOR: Crack - crackity - crack crack crack. Isn’t it just?
JEALOUSY!FIC
CHARACTER 1: *chatting innocently*
CHARACTER 2: You dirty cheating backstabbing manwhore! How could you?!?!
LOGIC: *flies out of window*
READERS: *wish they could follow logic*
AUTHOR: I handled that perfectly! Only 3 characters died in the process, but oh well…
DEATH!FIC
CHARACTERS: *are dead*
STORY: I’m following right after you.
SINGLE SURVIVOR: Woe. Also, WTF should I do now?
READERS: Die. Please.
FUTURE!FIC
SPANKIN’ NEW ORIGINAL CHARACTERS: We’re either the offspring of the original ensemble or completely random people unrelated to anyone.
SURVIVING OLDTIMERS: Get off my property, you ungrateful runts or we’ll tell your parents! *shake walking sticks*
WRAITH: *come suddenly* …Are we in time for the tea party?
READERS: *boggle* This might not be the fandom you think it is…
AUTHOR: I have side notes. Wanna see my cool side notes?
CHARACTER ANALISYS
AUTHOR: I’m so deep I can see China.
RANDOM TARGETED CHARACTER: Ack. Kill me now, please.
READERS: What he said.
PLOT: I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole.
EPISODE RELATED
PLOT: This is what happened in the 1.7 seconds between two scenes.
CHARACTER 1: That’s the longest lunch break I’ve ever had.
CHARACTER 2: Is this the one where I’m abducted and tortured, or are we just gonna fuck all the while?
AUTHOR: Ain’t I clever? What a plot development, huh?
READERS: Logic? What logic?
OUTED/HOMOPHOBIA
HALF OF CHARACTERS: Let’s burn ‘em at the stake!
OTHER HALF OF CHARACTERS: Aww, they’re meant for each other! Wonder when the wedding is?
CHARACTER 1: You’re scaring me more than the pitchfork-wielding bunch.
CHARACTER 2: Are we fucking yet?
READERS: Duuude.
AUTHOR: I’m so accepting! See me accept! Me, me, me!
THE NEVER-ENDING ONGOING SERIALS
PLOT: *gets lost at the beginning, never to be seen again*
CHARACTERS: Is there no end to our misery?
AUTHORS: Must write. Write, write, write.
READERS: I gave up my life to read this?!
AUTHORS: Wriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite.
HOLIDAY!FIC
CHARACTER 1: Even though we’re all from different cultures with very few common beliefs between us, we’re gonna get festive this season!
CHARACTER 2: I’m not even from the same galaxy, but I can get behind the festive spirit.
FESTIVE SPIRIT: I’m the plague in disguise. Don’t tell anyone.
READERS: *whimper*
RPS
CHARACTERIZATION: I’m not even present in this genre.
AUTHOR: This is the representation of my deep love for the actors! Let me show you it!
TEN FOOT POLE: *doesn’t touch it*