Who I Am
Back in the days of Miami Vice, I remember at two entirely different characters in different situations using the same line when explaining why they could not just ignore their duties as a cop: "It's not what I do - it's who I am."
If you were to take such a person and all of sudden make it impossible for them to be a cop, it would devastate them in ways far deeper than the simple loss of a job. If being a cop is central to their equation of "Who I Am", without it, there is suddenly this void in them. Yes, with work, they can redefine themselves, but that sort of thing is never easy. Heck, in some instances, it might even be impossible.
Ever since I was diagnosed with depression, that sickness was a very important part of my personal "Who I Am". Managing the depression and wrestling with the inner demons and traumas of the past that fueled it were also a big part of that equation.
Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to have shed that baggage. Under no circumstances do I want to go back to the misery, sadness, and self-loathing I've left behind. That having been said, as I mentioned in a previous post, I am now faced with the question of, "Now, what?"
I think that the way I feel right now, dizzy, empty and lost, is why people are so resistant to change. It doesn't matter how right or wrong the changes are, nor how easy or difficult they are to make. Any kind of personal change that touches any part of "Who I Am" is going to hit you hard, and it is a very scary feeling.
Still, having been through this sort of thing before, I thought/felt/hoped/prayed that it would have gotten easier by now. But here I am, several months later, and I'm still off-balance. I'm happy, I'm in good spirits, I'm even exercising.
Is this why I'm having trouble sleeping at night? All this time, I'd been thinking my insomnia was just a side-effect of coming off the Wellbutrin (I'll still ask my shrink about it). But now I'm not so sure.
There are other things that also define Who I Am, like writing and being there for other people. Thing is, I've not done much of either since this latest paradigm shift. Most of what I've done has been pretty mindless: NWN, WoW, watch movies, etc.
Do I need time to accept this loss as the new default and redefine Who I Am? Do I just need to get better sleep so I have the energy for other things? Is it something else?
I have no idea.
I guess this is another reminder from the Universe of the fact that the process of growth, healing, and learning has no end-point - it's a journey.
If you were to take such a person and all of sudden make it impossible for them to be a cop, it would devastate them in ways far deeper than the simple loss of a job. If being a cop is central to their equation of "Who I Am", without it, there is suddenly this void in them. Yes, with work, they can redefine themselves, but that sort of thing is never easy. Heck, in some instances, it might even be impossible.
Ever since I was diagnosed with depression, that sickness was a very important part of my personal "Who I Am". Managing the depression and wrestling with the inner demons and traumas of the past that fueled it were also a big part of that equation.
Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to have shed that baggage. Under no circumstances do I want to go back to the misery, sadness, and self-loathing I've left behind. That having been said, as I mentioned in a previous post, I am now faced with the question of, "Now, what?"
I think that the way I feel right now, dizzy, empty and lost, is why people are so resistant to change. It doesn't matter how right or wrong the changes are, nor how easy or difficult they are to make. Any kind of personal change that touches any part of "Who I Am" is going to hit you hard, and it is a very scary feeling.
Still, having been through this sort of thing before, I thought/felt/hoped/prayed that it would have gotten easier by now. But here I am, several months later, and I'm still off-balance. I'm happy, I'm in good spirits, I'm even exercising.
Is this why I'm having trouble sleeping at night? All this time, I'd been thinking my insomnia was just a side-effect of coming off the Wellbutrin (I'll still ask my shrink about it). But now I'm not so sure.
There are other things that also define Who I Am, like writing and being there for other people. Thing is, I've not done much of either since this latest paradigm shift. Most of what I've done has been pretty mindless: NWN, WoW, watch movies, etc.
Do I need time to accept this loss as the new default and redefine Who I Am? Do I just need to get better sleep so I have the energy for other things? Is it something else?
I have no idea.
I guess this is another reminder from the Universe of the fact that the process of growth, healing, and learning has no end-point - it's a journey.