(no subject)

[klynnw1655]

Do you ever wish that life was completely different? Not that you had a better job, or a better car, or a cuter boyfriend, or a bigger house, but that you actually led an entirely different existence...? It is interesting that as I begin my climb up the corporate ladder, as i am launching myself into the world that will be my life, all i can think about is, " i wish i had grown up in a tribe in a remote land far, far from america." I came to new york city with stars in my eyes and hopes in my heart that have quickly been diminished by the cold pavement i walk upon and the cold stares i receive in the empty faces i encounter. thoughts of morality are quickly abandoned in the "big apple", and i find my spirit lost and unsettled. and i'm left wondering whether my personality can only fit in in one type of place. but then again, that is not who i am. i am not a wallflower. i am confident, and self-assured. i may not be the prettiest girl in the room, i may not be the skinniest, or the funniest, but i know without a doubt that i am one of the most "lovely" people in the world. how come that is lost here? how come i sit in corners and sulk? or refuse to let my coworkers see my true side. all of the happiness that so bubbles in my innermost being is lost in this damn place. all i want to do is move home. and therein lies another problem. where is home? i know it is not where i grew up. i don't fit there either. everyone's a teacher, and married, and still hanging out with the same type of people. i am different now. i know that. i live my life as an adventure, not as a path predestined for me by the fate of the 22 year old desperate woman who is about to graduate. i am not saying those girls aren't happy, but i would not be content in a life of house-wifery just yet. so is my home in Baton rouge? where all of my college memories remain? where i laughed and cried and loved and lived more passionately than i have ever known. where my heart was shattered into a million pieces because i was the unfortunate victim of unrequited love? or is that a part of my past that i must let go... and which of my friends should i let go, and who will i keep? so if little rock is my birthplace, and baton rouge is my college town...then where does my head hit the pillow and feel at home? is it even a location? or is it in the arms of someone i love. can someone's heart be your home? what if your heart fits so perfectly with someone else's heart but the fear of losing that friendship is too great to conquer? are you then left without a soulmate? and when does it cross the line that men and women cannot remain intimate friends without imposing on one or the other's emotional relational health? can we all really be "just friends?" or is that a myth created by women...

the other night in my life group, a man shared with us about a monastery in israel that is built into the enclave of a canyon...they literally live in a cave. it is beside a river, and he described it as if a huge chunk was cut out of the side of the grand canyon. and all i can think about is how much i want to move there. is it possible to forget? i mean, REALLY TRULY forget? is it really even possible to forgive? can my outgoing interactive personality survive as a hermit? as a missionary? as a solitary human being living in a foreign land?

all of these thoughts echo in the caverns of my already crowded mind...there is definitely more to come... i'm not finished yet.