Dont think about breathing...bet now its all you are thinking about!
I’ve been seeing a wonderful counselor for a few months now and we had another session a couple weeks ago in which we discussed some positives in my journey. Having this journal and joining online forums has really helped in my healing and I thank all of you for sharing your painful stories. No matter when I try to conceive again, my fears of “what if?” will be there. Basically to be honest, right now I feel stronger than I have done in a long time and I’m only getting stronger with each passing day so I would rather face it now with that positive energy at my back than worrying about it for god knows how long. So I’m going to face this green light with the knowledge that this fear is normal but how I handle this fear is up to me and it can be as easy or as hard as I want to make it.
My recovery involves the ability to choose when to deal with others who are pregnant and being able to walk away when now is not the time however I still find it hard to talk baby to my sister. I suppose I had better get used to it though, there is talk about a c-section within the next week and of course I am her birthing partner. Thankfully, I have also shared most of my thoughts, feelings and fears with my mother and at times she can be quite supportive. She also wants to be present at the birth which would be great as it would take much of the expectation off of me and will give me a chance to have a moment if needed as I will admit, I am not looking forward to it.
With that being said, lets get the positive energy happening again...[Inhale], [Hold], [Exhale].
We are trying again and as much as I didn’t want to, I couldn’t help myself…I checked out one of those ovulation calendars. Next thing you know I was writing down the next three months worth of cycles and when was best to conceive a girl and when is best for a boy in my diary. Funny thing is when I confessed my shame to P, the opposite of what I expected to happen, happened…he became interested and has on occasion asked me “Is it boy time or girl time?”, nawww too cute! Someone’s a little excited I think. However…This IS as far as it will go, I WILL NOT be one of those people who looks at charts and plans things down to the date, time, position, temperature, changing of the moons and tides…not just yet anyway ;)
People keep saying to me “The more you think about it, the harder it will be and the longer it will take” but when you are trying to bring a new life into the world on purpose, how do you NOT think about it? And yes, I jumped the gun a little on my last entry but I used to be like clockwork and I guess deep down I was hoping the decision had been taken out of my hands. I am glad that it wasn’t, I am grateful that I was able to find it within myself to make the choice to brush myself off and try again. I am still afraid of what might happen and how I will go if my fears prove true, but I have decided I will enjoy the ride and jump those hurdles if and when they come. This time can be fun still, it has the potential to be MORE fun than last time, it couldn’t really get much worse could it? And I know that people say “Oh, don’t say that, you’ll jinx yourself!” but seriously, it couldn’t, the worst that could is I could lose the baby and lets face it, been there. Or I’d die but that’s a pretty extreme way to think about it and although hypochondria definitely runs in my family, luckily I am not crazy in that respect, just most others :)
Oh and for the record, it’s neither time, according to the website I looked at that happens before ovulation and I have already laid my egg this month apparently…cluck cluck cluck cluck!