(no subject)
Oh Bleach.. how I wish you were the world.
I don't know what to say anymore. To anyone. I'm the most awkward person ever. Seriously. Yesterday, early in the morning, I got an im from this guy.. who I kind hooked up with after spring break (like back in march?)... and havent talked to since (cuz well... I didn't want to be that oh so annoying girl I thought (think) I am and talk to him unless he wanted to talk to me). Because honestly like I did see him a couple times... and like I nodded or said hi to him.. but nothing like conversation wise cuz I just wanted to keep it light.. I didn't want him to think I was some crazy girl... I don't know it made sense to me at the time (still does)... and plus, I wasn't too sure he enjoyed it as much as I did and yea.. my self confidence = ZERO ... especially about guys in general.. so he imed me and was like youve been awakward ( which is not surprising to me I suppose?) and I just wanted to make sure everything was cool... or some thing along those lines. So yea.. that.. coupled with rugby. hahaha. I love how I pretend I'm part of the team. Well I am. and I start and play. However... I'm not PART of the team. why? I'm not so socialable. I mean I am.. but again I'm awkward. I don't know why. I just am. like.. yesterday at practice, I always wait for my one friend when the back line of the team finishes before the forwards. And sure, I could eat dinner with the backs.. however they are all cheerleaders.. and actually good at conversation.. and joking around.. and being human. So I'm sitting there with the captain of the team.. and yeah sure we kinda talk? like random stupid questions (like 2 of them) then we're silent for 5 minutes. Then she asks, who are you waiting for?... and i realize right then.. yea.. everyone pretty much just puts up with me. They aren't really my friends. its just people who.. see you 4/7 days of the week and therefore you have to get along and pretend to be friends. but really they'll talk behind your back in an instant. ugh. whatever. anyway. I always end up in conversations like that.. with the interspersed questions.. silence... followed by more silence... and usually me just giving up. I just stop talking all together. Because it's just straining on me to actually find something to talk about with people. and usually I think they don't want to talk to me anyway. And it's fine by me. Less people who try to talk to me.. less energy I have to waste to figure out something to say. Oh plus it doesn't help that I can't make a coherent sentence most of the time. I just think too fast for my mouth to formulate the words. I just kinda suck at communicating to people, being around people, and having self confidence. That is why I watched bleach episodes on a Friday night. I like not worrying about stupid shit... like relationships and myself.
I don't know what to say anymore. To anyone. I'm the most awkward person ever. Seriously. Yesterday, early in the morning, I got an im from this guy.. who I kind hooked up with after spring break (like back in march?)... and havent talked to since (cuz well... I didn't want to be that oh so annoying girl I thought (think) I am and talk to him unless he wanted to talk to me). Because honestly like I did see him a couple times... and like I nodded or said hi to him.. but nothing like conversation wise cuz I just wanted to keep it light.. I didn't want him to think I was some crazy girl... I don't know it made sense to me at the time (still does)... and plus, I wasn't too sure he enjoyed it as much as I did and yea.. my self confidence = ZERO ... especially about guys in general.. so he imed me and was like youve been awakward ( which is not surprising to me I suppose?) and I just wanted to make sure everything was cool... or some thing along those lines. So yea.. that.. coupled with rugby. hahaha. I love how I pretend I'm part of the team. Well I am. and I start and play. However... I'm not PART of the team. why? I'm not so socialable. I mean I am.. but again I'm awkward. I don't know why. I just am. like.. yesterday at practice, I always wait for my one friend when the back line of the team finishes before the forwards. And sure, I could eat dinner with the backs.. however they are all cheerleaders.. and actually good at conversation.. and joking around.. and being human. So I'm sitting there with the captain of the team.. and yeah sure we kinda talk? like random stupid questions (like 2 of them) then we're silent for 5 minutes. Then she asks, who are you waiting for?... and i realize right then.. yea.. everyone pretty much just puts up with me. They aren't really my friends. its just people who.. see you 4/7 days of the week and therefore you have to get along and pretend to be friends. but really they'll talk behind your back in an instant. ugh. whatever. anyway. I always end up in conversations like that.. with the interspersed questions.. silence... followed by more silence... and usually me just giving up. I just stop talking all together. Because it's just straining on me to actually find something to talk about with people. and usually I think they don't want to talk to me anyway. And it's fine by me. Less people who try to talk to me.. less energy I have to waste to figure out something to say. Oh plus it doesn't help that I can't make a coherent sentence most of the time. I just think too fast for my mouth to formulate the words. I just kinda suck at communicating to people, being around people, and having self confidence. That is why I watched bleach episodes on a Friday night. I like not worrying about stupid shit... like relationships and myself.