Brigit's Flame Post - September Week 2 - Stripping Gears

[klsiegel]

So, this is also a bit autobiographical...okay, more than a bit. A couple people will have read the long version of the story; this is a substantially shorter, slightly different take.
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Stripping Gears

It all started innocently enough. All I said was, “Wow! That was awesome! We should do this more often!”

Sometimes a tiny push is just what the

Comments

Sorta belated gentle edit.

[mermaidbia]

This is an incredibly complex, well-crafted, mysterious and beautiful piece, and you display a beautiful voice - not only in singing, which is obviously your passion, but in using words, too. You weave your reader skilfully into the vocabulary he needs to enter your own universe, to understand your speech, in a sort of enigmatic, but still beautiful way that I've never seen before on BF. Your writing is precise, eloquent, a little strange and offbeat - but honest all the way. I love the way you initially peruse the prompt "gear" as a metaphor for things changing, fates being set in motion, as well as your own personal "gear" - your voice and your wavering confidence. I love how you keep this metaphor up, letting it slip into unexpected places before the reader forgets it. You are a sublime writer.
Like asianprincess, I really feel/see nothing sticking out here; this is an extremely private, intimate piece and I feel kind of squeamish as an editor looking too closely for "faults" that are simply part of the stream of consciousness. However, as usual I will go through this paragraph by paragraph and remark on what occurs to me.

Sometimes a tiny push is just what the Universe needs to set the wheels in motion.
I love this sentence - it could come off as cliché, but in your piece it is honest and heartfelt, gives one a vague, intruiging idea what this will be about.

The response was enthusiastic; he loves her voice as much as I do.
This confused me a tiny little bit, because I thought this friend of hers was outside the choir, but the choir master knows her. Maybe you could put in a few more hints to make this clearer?

It would have been easy to just leave it there.
I love the way you ended two paragraphs with the same sentence, it really turns into a beautiful, rhythmic monologue.

I do not know…no. That is not true, and honesty is required.
This "honesty is required", after the intimate portrayal of the paragraphs beforehand, seems almost a little too distanced in comparison, but maybe your protagonist - you - needs this distance at that point, so I'm on dangerous territory here. Suggestion: "That is not true, and I need to be honest."

Sometimes I think perhaps one of my purposes in life is simply to make God laugh. Lovely, wry-sounding sentence.

I picked up the notes to both pieces quite handily,
"handily" feels like a really odd word here. "quickly"? "aptly"? "eagerly"? Again, dangerous territory, shooting in the dark, but "handily" feels not up to par with the rest of your prose.

I kept listening, carefully, to the recording; kept lightly singing on the subway; kept trying to reassure myself that the tone would be there-but still didn’t really understand what I needed to be doing…until a week before our first booked date, when we practiced with my own choir master, and all the wheels fell off.
That. That, every single bit of that is beautiful and honest and effortless, right on - and you skilfully insert the prompt back in.

he creativity we unleashed has a momentum that is carrying it onward and outward and upward.
I want to sing that sentence. Seriously.

It is…exhilarating. Frightening as all hell, but…exhilarating.
I almost feel the "as hell" is out of synch with the rest of your prose, but - like before - it may be that extra-bit of honesty you feel you require for this piece, so I'll just leave it standing.

Good work!

Re: Sorta belated gentle edit.

[klsiegel]

Oh, blushing! Thank you.

Hadn't of course considered that it could be a speed bump - my choir master has met my partner in crime because she came to church with me a couple times, including once when he summarily drafted her into the choir for the day. He would in fact like very much to have her in our choir permanently, but she has a paid soloist/section leader job at another church, so that's not currently an option.

"Honesty is required" is there as a ritual formula; hadn't considered it as distancing, but I can see how it could be. Perhaps, with that formula in the back of my mind, "that is not true, and I need to be truthful" would work as well?

Re: "handily." I'm looking for something that says both quickly and easily, without a lot of effort; would "readily" work for you? If not, probably quickly or easily would be the best alternatives.

Re: the ending. I need "frightening as" something, for sure; and I needed it not to be too wordy, or I might have said "frightening as the plunge of a roller coaster" or "frightening as a cliff dive into dark water"...would either of those work and not be too wordy?

And overall - thank you for loving it and gently inviting me to grow it anyway; your touch is very gentle, and all this approval is really healing in ways I can't even begin to explain. Gotta keep writing.