Update.
I feel I am loosing who I am. Wondering in a barron waste land of my mind. A hollowed shell of what I was once. IT just seems that life is slipping away from me, and my hands are tied behind my back. It seems every time I grasp what I think is sanity, it ends up being nothing but a figment of my imagination. Crawling for my minds release and my bodies desire, and I end up empty handed and wondering what I did wrong...
I have been working more hours then any human should ever have too. Long hours, 6-7 days a week. And for what I ask? A pay check...lol. I need more out of life then a pay check. I need substance and structure. I am lacking in those departments of life...
I say I need a relationship to help me open up and be more comfortable with who I am. But when in reality, a relationship is the furthest thing that I need. Every relationship i have crumbles, mostly to my own demise due to the fact I do not want to be like him(my father). I am better then he is, or am I? Am I to follow in his footsteps and make a life of painful choices that he wish he never had made. I do not want that out of life. I want a life of no regrets. But that seems like a dream that will fail...
I find some solace in music, but even that is running thin. My mind is not evolving, its regressing to a younger age. And it seems there is nothing I can do to prevent this... Is there? can I save myself from my own demise? Is there a way to strive for something and actually achieve it? are is that all a dream?
I lay in my bed every night, wondering if its worth sleeping. Do I want to end this day and start another that will go the same way. Time wasted on me that could be used on somebody else. Or there is that one thought that maybe the next day will bring a smile or two... Ether way, I feel its getting to the point that its pointless.. I have to medicate myself to sleep due to several reasons. One I am in constant pain, both physical and emotional. the second reason being, my mind does not want to rest...
Is there more to life then this? I know there is, I just need to find it. Am I to do this on my own or is there help out there for me?
I am not asking for answers, I am seeking the way to enlightenment. Enlightenment of my own kind, enlightenment that will ease my pain and my mind.
I have been working more hours then any human should ever have too. Long hours, 6-7 days a week. And for what I ask? A pay check...lol. I need more out of life then a pay check. I need substance and structure. I am lacking in those departments of life...
I say I need a relationship to help me open up and be more comfortable with who I am. But when in reality, a relationship is the furthest thing that I need. Every relationship i have crumbles, mostly to my own demise due to the fact I do not want to be like him(my father). I am better then he is, or am I? Am I to follow in his footsteps and make a life of painful choices that he wish he never had made. I do not want that out of life. I want a life of no regrets. But that seems like a dream that will fail...
I find some solace in music, but even that is running thin. My mind is not evolving, its regressing to a younger age. And it seems there is nothing I can do to prevent this... Is there? can I save myself from my own demise? Is there a way to strive for something and actually achieve it? are is that all a dream?
I lay in my bed every night, wondering if its worth sleeping. Do I want to end this day and start another that will go the same way. Time wasted on me that could be used on somebody else. Or there is that one thought that maybe the next day will bring a smile or two... Ether way, I feel its getting to the point that its pointless.. I have to medicate myself to sleep due to several reasons. One I am in constant pain, both physical and emotional. the second reason being, my mind does not want to rest...
Is there more to life then this? I know there is, I just need to find it. Am I to do this on my own or is there help out there for me?
I am not asking for answers, I am seeking the way to enlightenment. Enlightenment of my own kind, enlightenment that will ease my pain and my mind.