The calm before the storm
A weird day today.
Never thought an old movie I never liked could bring so much out of me. I suppose in that particular time of emotional and spiritual famine something was bound to trigger it.
Lies and video games have made me tepid. Anything to fill in the spaces…the silences. That quote today was so cliché and yet so profound. Funny how you can hear the same thing over and over again and one day it takes the rug out from under you and sends you crashing to the ground. Silence is golden. What am I doing to myself?
So much color in that movie. Desperation and tragedy. It reminded me of the neglected world outside…while I sat. Hours of my life wasted. Days. Weeks.
People are slaughtered at the hands of persecution and hate every day. All sorts of living beings suffer catastrophe. Sometimes it’s intentionally inflicted. Sometimes it happens in dark places, far from all knowledge and eternally undiscovered. Murderers walk the earth with dirty fingers unseen to the world around them. And the world weeps and mourns for absent fathers. This immensely populated planet has never felt more alone…barren…devoid of meaning.
And here I’ve sat, holding the antidote in my hand, crushing it between my fingers. Whittling away at the time I’ve been given, numbing my brain, suppressing my suffocating spirit. Ignoring the stabbing pains my shallow exterior writhes in under the pressure of the world’s demands on my female role and form. Staring unmindfully into a brightly colored box.
What better way to render someone useless than this?
Well, I’m onto it now.
My life is on the verge of changing drastically. Scattering pieces of my former being to the wind, I wonder what the future holds. I want to live again. No, I want to live with a cinematically gigantic purpose. No, I want to live in a way I’ve never known. My imagination holds a montage of deep moments and wild experiences. I cannot wait to see how my reality will compare to these thoughts. A year ago I would’ve never fathomed being blessed with such an existence. Beyond my dreams, beyond my imagination, beyond all the special effects a movie could boast. I am prepared to become a part of the great commission…to live and die at the mercy of something so much larger than myself…to fight on the front lines of an army against the walls of a different plane of existence…to witness firsthand the curses and miracles we only hear about in tales…to love greater than my own human heart is capable. I am prepared to leave this mild flesh…shed the layers of calloused skin and remove the superficial staples holding it in place…expose all the wounds, all the holes, all the darkness and light that my soul has ached to bare for all of my life.
I will not fall at the influence of idle hands. I am purging this grey cloud and feeling my way back into the light.
I am ready to live the way I was created to live.
Never thought an old movie I never liked could bring so much out of me. I suppose in that particular time of emotional and spiritual famine something was bound to trigger it.
Lies and video games have made me tepid. Anything to fill in the spaces…the silences. That quote today was so cliché and yet so profound. Funny how you can hear the same thing over and over again and one day it takes the rug out from under you and sends you crashing to the ground. Silence is golden. What am I doing to myself?
So much color in that movie. Desperation and tragedy. It reminded me of the neglected world outside…while I sat. Hours of my life wasted. Days. Weeks.
People are slaughtered at the hands of persecution and hate every day. All sorts of living beings suffer catastrophe. Sometimes it’s intentionally inflicted. Sometimes it happens in dark places, far from all knowledge and eternally undiscovered. Murderers walk the earth with dirty fingers unseen to the world around them. And the world weeps and mourns for absent fathers. This immensely populated planet has never felt more alone…barren…devoid of meaning.
And here I’ve sat, holding the antidote in my hand, crushing it between my fingers. Whittling away at the time I’ve been given, numbing my brain, suppressing my suffocating spirit. Ignoring the stabbing pains my shallow exterior writhes in under the pressure of the world’s demands on my female role and form. Staring unmindfully into a brightly colored box.
What better way to render someone useless than this?
Well, I’m onto it now.
My life is on the verge of changing drastically. Scattering pieces of my former being to the wind, I wonder what the future holds. I want to live again. No, I want to live with a cinematically gigantic purpose. No, I want to live in a way I’ve never known. My imagination holds a montage of deep moments and wild experiences. I cannot wait to see how my reality will compare to these thoughts. A year ago I would’ve never fathomed being blessed with such an existence. Beyond my dreams, beyond my imagination, beyond all the special effects a movie could boast. I am prepared to become a part of the great commission…to live and die at the mercy of something so much larger than myself…to fight on the front lines of an army against the walls of a different plane of existence…to witness firsthand the curses and miracles we only hear about in tales…to love greater than my own human heart is capable. I am prepared to leave this mild flesh…shed the layers of calloused skin and remove the superficial staples holding it in place…expose all the wounds, all the holes, all the darkness and light that my soul has ached to bare for all of my life.
I will not fall at the influence of idle hands. I am purging this grey cloud and feeling my way back into the light.
I am ready to live the way I was created to live.